Waiting Two Months

Today marks two months of waiting. I don't have any real updates. I was able to finish and add a video to our online profile, which I think adds a lot and shows more about us than a couple of pictures and a page of text.

Things seem to be slow right now at the agency. From what I know there's only one match, and they're working with around ten pregnant ladies.

SCOTUS Rules on ICWA

The Supreme Court issued a ruling yesterday in regards to adoption. The case before them involved a 3 year old girl, Veronica, who was adopted at birth by a couple in South Carolina. The biological parents were unmarried. Some media sources say the biological mother kept the biological father away during the pregnancy and did not let him become involved. Other media sources say the biological father had conflict with the biological mother and cut off contact with her, not supporting her during her pregnancy.

Either way, the biological father texted the biological mother early in the pregnancy saying he wouldn't support her. He signed a legal document prior to the birth stating he did not want to exercise his parental rights and did not provide support to the biological mother during her pregnancy (for those not versed in parental rights... many to most states use lack of support during pregnancy as a criteria to terminate parental rights... so this is a big deal). When Veronica was born, she was placed with the adoptive couple, as her biological mother planned.

Adoption doesn't finalize as soon as the baby is placed with the adoptive family. There is some lag, usually several months, before it can be finalized in court. When Veronica was 4 months old, the biological father was served with adoption paperwork. He did not want the adoption to occur. Since he is 2% Cherokee (and Veronica is 1% Cherokee), he was able to use the ICWA to fight the adoption in court. The proceedings drug on for months. When Veronica was 27 months, the state court decided due to the ICWA, the biological father was the rightful custodian. Veronica moved from her adoptive parents in South Carolina to her biological father in Oklahoma.

The adoptive parents filed an appeal that went all the way to the US Supreme Court (normally family/custody cases do not go to them, but since the issue was regarding a federal law, they agreed to hear it). A year and half went by, and a ruling was issued yesterday.

The Supreme Court said that since the biological father never established custody (he was not married to the biological mother, did not support her during her pregnancy, and signed paperwork saying he did not want parental rights) that the ICWA did not apply in his case. The ruling said the case should go back to the state court for additional proceedings (presumably, adoption finalization by the adoptive couple).

An excerpt from the ruling: "As the State Supreme Court read [the Indian Child Welfare Act], a biological [American] Indian father could abandon his child in utero and refuse any support for the birth mother — perhaps contributing to the mother's decision to put the child up for adoption — and then could play his ICWA trump card at the eleventh hour to override the mother's decision and the child's best interests. If this were possible, many prospective adoptive parents would surely pause before adopting any child who might possibly qualify as an Indian under the ICWA."

An excerpt from a news article explaining implications of the ICWA law the way it was used in this case: "The case also is about the autonomy of a non-Indian mother. The birth mother's lawyer, Lori Alvino McGill, contends that if Indian fathers can sweep in this way, based only on biology, and override the birth mother's decision, why couldn't sperm donors or rapists who are Indian do the same? 'No other set of men can choose to kind of sit back, renounce all responsibility but hold a back-pocket veto to an adoption choice,' she says." 

I think the court made the right decision. Adoption can have sketchy practices in regards to birth fathers. Some agencies do not make diligent efforts to locate biological fathers. Others bring birth mothers to deliver in certain states because they know it will be easier to evade the man's ability to assert his parental rights. I am firmly against any such practice. However, I also do not think it is fair for a father to bring life to a child but refuse to support the child during the pregnancy, no matter their relationship with the mother (I feel this way about pregnancies, no matter whether they lead to adoption or not).

My final thought is how I hope Veronica can be resilient with the tumultuous four short years she has already had. She has lived in two states with two different sets of caregivers. The first time she moved (from adoptive family to biological father), the "transition" was pitiful. Some adults totally uneducated in child development decided she should be given from adoptive parents to biological father at a office building. She had never met her biological father, but she was dropped off and remained with him. She drove all the way from South Carolina to Oklahoma with her blood family but virtual strangers. She had no contact with her adoptive family after that day. It's really sad to me that so many adults could not come together for what would obviously be best for the child. Hopefully there will be a more thoughtful plan this time. I hope she can have a therapeutic transition and can maintain contact with her biological father and his family. Only time will tell.

Supporting and Understanding the Adoptive Family

Note: Some of these apply more to foster-adopt or international adoption situations (in regards to attachment/feeding/touching and past trauma).  However, many apply to domestic infant adoption as well. I hope this will be educational and insightful for everyone, whether it is in regard to our future adoption, or to the adoption of someone else you know. :)

By Ashlee 
Source: http://www.rainbowkids.com/ArticleDetails.aspx?id=801

Our children are not necessarily grateful to have been adopted.
And we don't expect them to be. It is not that our kids don't notice the stability of a family. It's not that they don't cherish the love that they are receiving or that they don't like their new life. It is because children are programmed to need, want and expect love. When we provide it we are not heroes, we are simply meeting one of their very basic needs. Expecting adopted children to be grateful for being adopted is like expecting our biological children to be grateful for being conceived. It was a choice that we, their parents, made and that they were brought into.

Please don't feed my kids. 
For children who have known hunger, food means love. We want them to learn to love us, their parents and siblings, before they bond with extended family, neighbors and friends. I know that they stare longingly at anything edible. I know that our two year old puts his head on the table and looks at you with puppy dog eyes. But since we were not there to meet their early needs (breast or bottle feeding, comforting them when they were sick, changing diapers, kissing boo boos) we need to make up for it by meeting as many of their physical and emotional needs as possible now. Many adopted children also have food insecurities. Some eat until they vomit and then start eating again. Others hoard food, needing the comfort of knowing that there is some saved for later. It is best to leave all feeding to the parents unless specifically directed otherwise.

Parenting an adopted child is hard work and we struggle.   We may tell you that were okay when we're really falling apart. We're worried that if we are honest about how difficult it is that you won't understand and that you'll think we're nuts. Adding a child who may or may not have anything in common with us socially, culturally, biologically or even personality-wise is challenging. Though undoubtedly beautiful and worth all of the struggles, adoption certainly isn't always easy or pretty.
 
It is greatly appreciated if you choose your wording carefully, especially around our children. 
Yes, these are all our "real" kids (though sometimes it would be nice if all of my kids, adopted and biological, had "off" switches) and, in most situations, you probably do not need to specify whether you are talking about my "adopted kids" or my "biological kids". They are all my kids even if they joined us through different paths.

If you'd like to offer support (meal, help with house cleaning, etc) when an adopted child joins the family,  please do even if we don't reach out and ask.
Many of us won't specifically ask for help or tell you what we need. However, I don't know a single adoptive mom who would turn down an offer to have a group of friends tidy/clean her house during those first few weeks at home with a new child. Likewise, coffee and chocolate are most always welcome and might be exactly what a new adoptive mom needs to get through those challenging times of adjustment!

Please don't try to get our child to like you the most.
Attachment and bonding are challenging enough without having friends and family slip our children candy, shower them with gifts, offer seconds at meals or encouraging bending and stretching of family rules. We're already working our tails off to get them to like us. With consistency and time they will learn to like you too, I promise.

Our adopted children had lives before they joined our family. 
They had/have birth families and other relatives who are important to them and who deserve recognition and credit too. They have had life experiences that, while sometimes different than ours, are still special and valuable.

Be considerate of the types of questions that you ask about our child's background and personal history, especially in their presence and especially if they are old enough to understand.
Would it offend you if someone asked if you have AIDS, if you were abandoned, if your parents were drug users or how your parents died? If so, best not to ask these questions to someone else. We understand that it is normal to be curious and to wonder about the circumstances that led to a child's adoption. However, these are things that we discuss openly in our immediate family but not elsewhere. Our children may or may not choose to divulge more of their personal stories someday when they are older but they are THEIR stories and details to share, not mine.

Sometimes adopted children need to be parented differently than biological children. 
We are not spoiling them. We aren't making excuses for poor behavior. Rather, we are parenting a child whose background may be very dissimilar to anything we've experienced. A child who has been abandoned and who has a fear of abandonment shouldn't be sent to time out alone in another room. A child who is still attaching to their adoptive family may need to be firmly held while having loving, affirming words whispered into their ear during a full-blown tantrum. The types of consequences that work for other children might not work for a child who doesn't have the same sense of value of their possessions and who doesn't understand what it means to have privileges. As parents, we must be flexible to help meet the individual needs of our child even if it means that we do things a little differently sometimes.

If you would like to give a gift to our new child, please consider something small that the whole family can enjoy together.
A few ideas are a frozen meal, a gift card to the movies, a small ornament commemorating the adoption or art supplies for all of the kids to share. We know that you want to welcome our new additions but gifts can be overwhelming for children who have had few material possessions. Also, we want our children to learn to love you for who you are, not for the fact that they hope they'll get another gift the next time they see you again. Other siblings may also experience jealousy and resentment if the new addition suddenly receives an armory of gifts and they are excluded.

Attachment takes time and work.
It doesn't happen overnight. Even if it appears that our child is securely attached to us it may take many months or years and every child and every family bonds differently. Many times we're faking it until we make it but one day we will wake up and realize that we're not faking it anymore and that our love is deep and real.

Parents who have recently added a child through adoption need support, friendship, love and encouragement.
Even if we're somewhat withdrawn and spending a lot of time at home cocooning with our new addition we value our friendships. Please continue to check up on us and to email, text, call or stop by. If you were in our life before we still want you in our life and in the lives of our children!

Please refrain from commenting on our child's appearance (specifically relating to ethnicity/race) in front of him or her.
All children want to feel included and to fit in. Pointing out how dark they are, how differently they look from the rest of us or how unique their hair feels only makes them feel like they stand out more.

Please do not ask adopted children if they like their new parents/family.
Adopted children do not usually get to hand pick their family. Adoption is similar to an arranged marriage and unique, sometimes very different people are brought together. With hard work and patience true love may grow. However, ask ANY child, biological or adopted (especially any older child!) if they like their parents and be prepared for some interesting answers!

It takes time to help children start to heal from a difficult past.
Just because they have been with us for a certain amount of time does not mean that the are "fixed". On the other hand, just because children are adopted does not necessarily mean that they will be any more difficult, defiant, less successful or anything else as teenagers or adults.

Educating your children about adoption and diversity helps my children.  Talking openly about adoption, children who look different than one or both parents and other "nontraditional" family structures helps our children feel accepted and secure at extracurricular activities, church, school and elsewhere in our community.
 
Our new additions are not celebrities.
We appreciate all of the love and support that we were shown during our adoption process and we know that everyone is excited to meet them. However, taking photos of just our adopted child or pouring attention on them while ignoring our other children is not healthy for anyone. The child who is receiving all of the attention often feels singled out and siblings quickly become resentful.

Our children may be "delayed" when they join our family but often they just need time.   
Adopted children are placed into environments that may be very different than anything they've ever experienced. They may be overstimulated, confused and sometimes there are language barriers. With time and patience most emotional, intellectual and physical delays will be overcome. 
 
Please do not tell us how amazing we (parents) are because we have chosen to adopt.  We know that this comment is usually intended as a compliment but our adopted kids are not burdens, charity cases or a community service project to be completed.  As parents we gladly invest the time and energy needed to ensure the happiness and well-being of any of our children. 
 
We may discourage physical contact with our child for the first several months that they are home or until we feel like they are securely attached to us.
Please do not insist on holding them, hugging them or having them sit on your lap. Many children who have lived in orphanages and institutions learn to fight for adult attention. Often they can put on quite the show and act like the most friendly, charming child to draw attention to themselves. While it may be cute and though it gives the false impression that they are well-adjusted and confident, it is very important that initially the parents are the only adults who help fulfill these children's need for physical affection. This also teaches healthy boundaries and is a safety consideration since no child, adopted or biological, should feel obligated to have close physical contact with someone that they do not know well.

We do not advertise our child's "cost".
If you would like to know how expensive our adoption process was, please ask when our children are not present, call after our kids are in bed or send us an email. Most adoptive families are happy to share our experiences and to provide helpful information but we do not ever want our children to feel like they were bought or that they are commodities.

When the going gets tough please do not ask if we regret our decision to adopt or imply that "we asked for it".
Few people would tell a sleep-deprived mother of a colicky newborn "well, you asked for this" and it would be considered rude to ask a new mother if she regretted her decision to have a baby. Just because something is difficult does not mean that we regret it. There are bumps in the road of every journey.

Even the happiest of adoptions are a result of challenging or difficult circumstances.  Though we like to think of adoption as a "happy ending", birth parents may have made difficult decisions, children may have faced losses and many lives were forever changed. Though most adopted children grow to be happy, well-adjusted adults and though most adoptive families are beautiful and full of love, it is important not to romanticize adoption. 
 
And, most importantly:
No one is perfect.
If you slip and call our biological kids our "real" kids or if you've already asked "What happened to his mother?" we won't hold a grudge. We know that our family is different. We understand that it is impossible to be sensitive and politically correct in every situation all the time. These are ideas and suggestions, not commandments.

We appreciate that you care about our family. We cannot thank you enough for wanting to learn more about supporting and understanding the adoptive family and for helping make this transition as smooth as possible for all of us!

The Wait Is Not Worthless

I really like this quote, discussing how the wait is not worthless (from Mercy Ink "For the Weary, Waiting Mama").

As you wait, tell yourself again and again that you have not been singled out. Remind yourself that you are part of a vast company of people who are being called to wait. Reflect on the biblical story. Abraham waited many years for his promised son. Israel waited 420 years for deliverance from Egypt, then another 40 years before they could enter the land God had promised them. God’s people waited generation after generation for the Messiah, and the church now waits for his return. The whole world groans as it waits for the final renewal of all things that God has promised. In ministry, it is vital to understand that waiting is not an interruption of God’s plan. It is his plan. And you can know this as well: the Lord who has called you to wait is with you in your wait. He hasn’t gone off to do something else, like the doctor you’re waiting to see. No, God is near, and he provides for you all that you need to be able to wait. (Paul Tripp) - See more at: http://www.mercyinkblog.com/2013/05/for-the-weary-waiting-mama.html#sthash.SXTRqOFA.dpu

"As you wait, tell yourself again and again that you have not been singled out. Remind yourself that you are part of a vast company of people who are being called to wait. Reflect on the biblical story. Abraham waited many years for his promised son. Israel waited 420 years for deliverance from Egypt, then another 40 years before they could enter the land God had promised them. God's people waited generation after generation for the Messiah, and the church now waits for his return. The whole world groans as it waits for the final renewal of all things that God has promised. In ministry, it is vital to understand that waiting is not an interruption of God's plan. It is his plan. And you can know this as well: the Lord who has called you to wait is with you in your wait. He hasn't gone off to do something else, like the doctor you're waiting to see. No, God is near, and he provides for you all that you need to be able to wait". (Paul Tripp)

Read more from the article here and more from Paul Tripp's article here. 

In fact, I am sure that God works in the wait. To refine. To allow us time to lean in and lean on Him. I’ve shared this quote several times before, and I think it’s worth sharing once again as we remind our tender hearts that He has not forgotten us: - See more at: http://www.mercyinkblog.com/2013/05/for-the-weary-waiting-mama.html#sthash.SXTRqOFA.dpuf

In fact, I am sure that God works in the wait. To refine. To allow us time to lean in and lean on Him. I’ve shared this quote several times before, and I think it’s worth sharing once again as we remind our tender hearts that He has not forgotten us: - See more at: http://www.mercyinkblog.com/2013/05/for-the-weary-waiting-mama.html#sthash.SXTRqOFA.dpuf

The The wait is not worthless.

In fact, I am sure that God works in the wait. To refine. To allow us time to lean in and lean on Him. I’ve shared this quote several times before, and I think it’s worth sharing once again as we remind our tender hearts that He has not forgotten us:

As you wait, tell yourself again and again that you have not been singled out. Remind yourself that you are part of a vast company of people who are being called to wait. Reflect on the biblical story. Abraham waited many years for his promised son. Israel waited 420 years for deliverance from Egypt, then another 40 years before they could enter the land God had promised them. God’s people waited generation after generation for the Messiah, and the church now waits for his return. The whole world groans as it waits for the final renewal of all things that God has promised. In ministry, it is vital to understand that waiting is not an interruption of God’s plan. It is his plan. And you can know this as well: the Lord who has called you to wait is with you in your wait. He hasn’t gone off to do something else, like the doctor you’re waiting to see. No, God is near, and he provides for you all that you need to be able to wait. (Paul Tripp)

- See more at: http://www.mercyinkblog.com/2013/05/for-the-weary-waiting-mama.html#sthash.SXTRqOFA.dpuf

The wait is not worthless.

In fact, I am sure that God works in the wait. To refine. To allow us time to lean in and lean on Him. I’ve shared this quote several times before, and I think it’s worth sharing once again as we remind our tender hearts that He has not forgotten us:

As you wait, tell yourself again and again that you have not been singled out. Remind yourself that you are part of a vast company of people who are being called to wait. Reflect on the biblical story. Abraham waited many years for his promised son. Israel waited 420 years for deliverance from Egypt, then another 40 years before they could enter the land God had promised them. God’s people waited generation after generation for the Messiah, and the church now waits for his return. The whole world groans as it waits for the final renewal of all things that God has promised. In ministry, it is vital to understand that waiting is not an interruption of God’s plan. It is his plan. And you can know this as well: the Lord who has called you to wait is with you in your wait. He hasn’t gone off to do something else, like the doctor you’re waiting to see. No, God is near, and he provides for you all that you need to be able to wait. (Paul Tripp)

- See more at: http://www.mercyinkblog.com/2013/05/for-the-weary-waiting-mama.html#sthash.SXTRqOFA.dpuf

"His Eye Is On The Sparrow"

"I wished for you"

When our homestudy was approved, I got myself a beautiful necklace from Etsy. It arrived this week!!