Awaits Me

My fate awaits me.

I wake up at 5 AM. Eating breakfast is torture. Everything is disgusting. But the sooner I eat, the sooner some relief will come. Half of a granola bar will do. 

I push the button on the elevator at the clinic, but it never comes- only makes a strange humming. I wait and wait but nothing. I've been feeling pretty out of breath lately just from talking but it's nothing compared to hiking up two flights of stairs. 

Then, the ultrasound tech wasn't scheduled today, but was. So everything is running behind. I peer around for a trash can because I'm feeling sick. 

Waiting for my ultrasound, elbow to elbow with the others waiting, the fire alarm goes off. Staff talks of evacuating. However, I'm not going anywhere til I get my ultrasound. The other patients wince at the shrill sound and stay put, too. 

Then the moment of truth comes. 

I get to see my baby. Heart flickering away at a dizzying speed. Looking like a baby now, rather than an indistinguishable blob. Still safely tucked away in its sac, away from the annoying still-present blood pocket. 

Measuring exactly on track. Heartrate in the 170s. Oblivious to my constant concern over the blood pocket and shots and nasuea. Just growing at a rapid pace. Thriving. Looking like a baby with a chubby torso and four little limbs and a giant head.

My baby may really be here to stay! 

8 Week Check In

I'm actually 8 weeks, 2 days, but better late than never I guess.

Baby's size: Kidney bean or raspberry

Total weight gain: When I last weighed myself about a week ago, I was back to pre-estrace weight. Horray! My stomach and chest are both pretty puffy so I don't know how my weight dropped back down, but it did. Not complaining!

Sleep: I haven't noticed any changes with my sleeping patterns other than I just need more. I'm going to bed usually by 8 PM. I've been pretty darn tired.

Best moment of last week: Celebrating Christmas with family <3

Miss anything: I had another cold last week so I missed sudafed and prednisone. I got a hot mist humidifier that helped quite a bit, though.

Food cravings: Cheese, sour cream, fresh berries (random things!)

Anything that makes you sick or queasy: Going too long without eating a snack, pretty much anything in the morning (when I eat my usual of granola bar, oatmeal, or toast in the morning, it's like chewing sandpaper), carbonation (not that I need to drink Cokes or anything right now but I had been drinking sparkling water and it makes me SICK-ugh), most forms of chicken (exceptions is small pieces in a dish)

Looking forward to: Ultrasound tomorrow! I will feel a lot more comfortable if we have a good ultrasound at 8 weeks. And I will know the bleeding and cramping is not affecting anything.

The internet says: The baby has webbed fingers and toes, eyelids, developing lungs, and has almost lost the creepy tail.

Other milestones: Tuesday will be the milestone anniversary of our miscarriage <3 Also, on a lighter note, my due date is early August. My sister said to get ready for remarks about how I will be giant in the middle of the summer heat... and it happened- I got my first comment about it! Haha!

Post-Christmas

The baby's first unofficial Christmas has come and gone. He or she got a couple gifts, and I got a funny t-shirt from a fellow EA mom. I've been trying to take her advice to "rejoice and be glad" to heart. I'm slowly coming around. I never thought I would still feel so guarded at 8 weeks.

But I guess the intermittent bleeding and cramps that I'm STILL having don't help matters. I have my third ultrasound on Monday, so I'm hoping the heart is still pumping away and we've had quite a bit of growth (the baby should be about doubled in size from the last ultrasound).

I have flashes of moments that I think maybe this really could work out. It seems like a fairy tale, that a pregnancy would just progress. Maybe our baby is growing and developing and still alive. Embryos can be healthy, can't they?

Sometimes bad luck finally runs out. I've seen two friends waiting painstakingly for an adoptive placement have full arms in the past couple of weeks. They both finally were placed with babies! The sole pregnancy that came from the May transfer is here- sweet twin girls! Maybe I can join their ranks.

I'm ready to be able to have joy. I'm ready to fully open my heart. I'm ready to stop going through the motions of my day- shot, work, chores, shot, sleep, repeat- and be excited!

What Worked

Because I enjoy reading such lists in other blogs, here is a list of what I did and didn't do this (successful, so far) cycle:

I did this:
-Matched with new embryos- these were high quality blasts from a well-known clinic (all per my embryologist) [We did not do this simply to increase success- we had no more embryos from Family A and although we did have two multicells with Family C, after reviewing many multicell profiles, there was not another match we felt comfortable with. However, we did want to try blasts since it was our third and potentially last transfer.]

-Did a uterine biopsy/scraping/sratching (Biopsy is performed by monitoring clinic right around when I started my period just prior to building my lining- I did not request any results, just the mechanism of removing the tissue in my uterus.)

-Drank POM every day while building my lining (After doing three cycle of this, I am not convinced it helps at all but since it's relatively inexpensive, I did it the third time, as well.)

-Took vaginal e.strace (This is per my doctor- a lot of people build better linings than mine without it... but if yours is low, it's worth looking into.)

-Walking (My lining was the best the cycle I had just done a half marathon so I'm convinced this does help. I didn't walk a ton but tried to walk a mile at least a few times a week.)

-Took extra Vitamin D (I got my levels tested before this cycle -  I was on the low end of normal, so I started taking 1000 IU D3 soft gel each day in addition to the Vitamin D in my multivitamin.)

-Watch my diet (Trying to eat semi-organic, full fat dairy, lots of folate, avoiding too much sugar/inflammation potential, more monounsaturated fats- kettle chips, avocados).


I didn't do this:
-Raspberries (I don't think it helped, and it was just too annoying to keep up with.)

-Red raspberry leaf tea (I don't like tea, and I was sick of forcing myself to drink it.)

-Meditation mp3s (I ordered some from Circle+.Bloom and did them periodically the first two cycles but like the raspberries, it was just too much to keep up with).

Adoption Love Link Up: Adoption Language

What are your views on appropriate adoption language? (examples: Birth mom vs. expectant mom, was adopted vs. is adopted, etc.) Have you had any personal experiences with inappropriate adoption language? How, if at all, did you help educate those involved?

Although I am doing embryo adoption, I still have strong feelings regarding adoption language (much of which doesn't apply for my situation). I adamantly believe a pregnant lady exploring adoption is an expectant mom and only becomes a birthmom once she signs relinquishment papers and goes through with an adoption plan. And she does not "give up" a baby, ever. If she goes through with an adoption plan, she has anguished and thought long and hard about that decision, and it is what she feels is best for whatever reason. She is not dumping the child somewhere or refusing to care for it. She is putting the baby into a situation to hopefully have needs met that she can't or doesn't want to or isn't capable of doing at that time. I believe it is very disrespectful to use birthmom for a pregnant lady or to say "give up for adoption".

As far as embryo adoption goes... it is not legally adoption. And it's somewhat unchartered territory.  But, I consider my situation adoption and not merely donation. We had a homestudy, we mutually matched with a genetic family, I believe the embryos are lives, we have a continuing relationship with the genetic reason. I don't think all those factors are necessary for the situation to be considered an adoption but that is why I personally consider my situation to be adoption.

There is a whole set of verbage that goes with embryo adoption. I will give birth. But the embryos aren't genetically mine. I say "genetic family" in regards to the wonderful couple who put their embryos into our life. But it could also be "donor family" or "first family".

I will consider our child to be adopted as an embryo. I can see the point of saying was adopted instead of is adopted because that helps demonstrate it is a part of the child's history and past but not a single identifying factor. Also, identifying a child as "adopted" in regular conversation is not fair to the child, in my opinion. It singles them out that they are somehow less a part of the family. I don't think this applies to discussing the actual events that happened. Just don't say, "Oh she's the adopted one".

Feel free to visit the Adoption Love link-up to see what other bloggers have to say about this topic!

Open Wounds

I didn't know how it would be to be pregnant after a loss. I guess I figured I'd have a lot more anxiety about everything. Despite no answers in the genetic testing, I still believe the miscarriage was from something chromosomal. Maybe that helps keep this pregnancy somewhat in perspective. There was nothing I could do. It was out of my control. So there is nothing I can do to hurt or help this pregnancy either, outside taking my medication as ordered. And now that I've seen a healthy heartbeat at 7 weeks, science says I have less than a 5% chance of a miscarriage.

While I have not felt overwhelmingly anxious, I have not felt overwhelmingly anything... except perhaps hesitation. I don't want to make too many plans yet. I don't want to get too excited yet. My heart is still broken. The true healing I've had since August has been replaced with open wounds. They will heal up again, as they did before, but it will take time.

Many people don't have dozens of people know the moment they may become pregnant or early on when they pee on a stick or get a beta. So I think that is the heart of my current difficulties. Openness in our journey has been a blessing in many ways, but in this situation, it makes things difficult sometimes, too.

So many people are rooting for us, but rabid excitement is not what I need right now. Prayers, sweet comments, affirmations- yes, those all help immensely. I love the hugs, congratulations, and eager expectation. But (what seems to me) flippant, pure joy as if everything is "done deal" and there will be a baby here in August? Statements like I "just need to think positive"? Hoping for the best is fine and dandy til it didn't work for you. Those words feel like a knife stabbing me.

Stabbing me over and over as I replay all the positivity and hope I had for my last pregnancy and how the end result was the death of my baby before I met her. No matter how bad I wished and wanted her to live, her heart stopped beating. When people fail to see this huge blessing we're currently waiting for in the lens of what we've been through, it's very hurtful. I don't know if I'm half crazy, but it makes me feel defensive for my first baby. What about her? Why did she die? Was I not positive enough? (I know the answer is no, but those questions run through my mind like a raging river when I feel bombarded by people I suppose just outside the understanding of how a miscarriage taints your perspective).

Okay, I feel like maybe I complain too much about the genuinely well intended statements people have made throughout this journey. And I know no one around me means what I interpret. And none of this is directed at any one person. The majority of people in my life bring nothing but blessing in this season of very mixed feelings. So if you are reading, I am certain the support you give me is appreciated. Thank you.

I look forward to a day when this pain will settle into the background, and I can be elated. When I can give this baby the adoration and anticipation he or she deserves. When my joy as a mother can exceed the joy of those around me. But I'm just not there yet.

Another Scan

I wasn't expecting to see our little one again so soon but had another ultrasound this morning due to some bleeding. 

Growth is on track. Heartrate has increased to 153. I had a pocket of blood (not shown in this particular picture) which explains the bleeding. 

So does it feel good thinking I am miscarrying at various points throughout the day? Nope. But my brain can tell my nerves there is a reason. 

Whew. 

Introducing...

...One baby

Measuring exactly on track at 6w3d

Heartrate of 127 bpm

Growing Miracles

Tomorrow is a big day.

The ultrasound.

Is this a viable pregnancy? Will we see a heartbeat? How many sacs will there be?

I fluctuate between trying not to thinking about it, being very hopeful, being at peace, and feeling nervous about being back on the dreaded table with the dreaded ultrasound probe.

"In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. 

So after you have suffered a little while, He will restore, support, and strengthen you, 

and He will place you on a firm foundation".- 1 Peter 5:10

6 Weeks

I'm 6 weeks today. This marks the day last time that I started bleeding, at the baseball game. Today, I've been just so worn out I could've curled up in the corner of my office and had a good slumber. I'm so. Very. Tired.

Ethyl oleate is a no go. Deep down I thought it was too good to be true. It was. I ended up with knots and itching, so I'm switching back to a formulation of cottonseed. Cottonseed isn't perfect but it's ten times more bearable. 

D is finally back at work, hobbling around (abdominal surgery when you're on crutches is just the worst luck). He was also finally able to start PT to essentially relearn to walk with a new foot. It's a great milestone! 

I'm looking forward to a weekend of relaxing, cleaning out the fridge/pantry and shopping for D's new "no-more-gallbladder diet", a Christmas party, and church. I'm happy to be sleeping in my own bed (no more hospital couch turned to cot) and to lay down with my husband (between his cast and his sickness, we've slept in the same bed exactly two nights in two months- the two nights in Knoxville). 

Some Days

Some days you just have a really bad shot that won't go in no matter where you poke or what needles you try... (Every spot that isn't bleeding is a knot)

Running Out

When do you run out of bad luck?

This has been the longest year. Start process to adopt embryos. Update homestudy. Get medically cleared. Match three times. Transfer three times. Hundreds of shots. Artificially built up and dropped hormones. Find out what a failed transfer feels like. Find out what a miscarriage feels like. Get not one but two d&c's. D goes through major foot surgery. Once home, pain pump doesn't help enough so we land in the ER. His time in a cast drags on, and he's unable to drive. He gets complications from surgery and is miserably sick for three weeks. Innumerable doctor appointments. Three more ER visits. Gallbladder surgery. Each statement seems so simple typed out. Yet each entails tears and struggle and worry. 

I don't want to complain. We're blessed to have each other, the jobs we do, great family on both sides, health insurance, the ability to use a wonderful clinic to become parents, to match with equally wonderful families who donated their embryos to us. 

But, I'm ready for life to return to normal, whatever that will look like now. I'm ready to struggle with learning to be a parent instead of struggling to become one. I'm ready for the bad luck to run out and days of wellness and togetherness to come. I'm ready to have a normal Saturday of lounging and going out to eat with D and laughing. I'm 5 1/2 weeks pregnant and ready to be able to be excited about the fact that I'm pregnant like 99% of the world when they see that second line. 

Hip Horray

I got a call from my pharmacy that made me cringe. I had to switch my PIO base. The formulation I've been using wasn't going to be carried anymore. Well darn, just one more thing to make me worried.

The new vial came and I tentatively drew it up. Ethyl oleate. It flew down into the syringe (Normal oil is a slow drip as you pull it out of the vial). It didn't even need to be warmed up to be thin enough for injection. It glided in, almost too quickly (too quick forces leakage). 

Four injections later and- knock on wood- no redness or swelling. Hip Horray (pun intended), a thinner oil! Why am I just now discovering this beauty? 

I've got about 8 more weeks of injections to go, God willing. About 112 more shots. I'll take every break I can get! 

Hope Appearing

It's chronologically backwards, but I still want to share that I will forever be grateful for a second chance, for hope, for redemption. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but worry can't change the result. I'm blessed more than I can understand. 

I haven't been writing as much mostly because we've had a lot going on. D's been pretty sick, unfortunately. The past four months have been a very trying season. I'm hopeful things will get better soon, though. 

The Post You've Been Waiting For (The News I've Been Waiting For)

Email from nurse on Friday: "As you can see, you have a positive result!! Let's get the second check on Monday..."

Email from nurse today: "The results look good! You are progressing nicely". 

Finally, some good news! I have an ultrasound scheduled for two weeks from today... because I'M PREGNANT.

Since I was using the unreliable lab this time, rather than the RE I normally go to, I thwarted any record-sending stress by directly getting a copy of the results myself and forwarding them straight to the nurse. This is how it should happen every time. I knew sooner. I knew NEDC had the results. No calling. No leaving messages. No tracking things down. But I digress.

Friday morning? A beta of 226.

This morning? A beta of 773.

Since you typically repeat after 48 hours, I had to use a beta doubling calculator to check up on things, and the beta doubled at a rate of about 40 hours, which is excellent and within range of what the doctor likes to see.

How do I feel physically? On and off queasy, not as tired as before but still ready for bed by 8 PM. I feel "less pregnant" than I did last time, or maybe I am just more used to it by now. My PIO shots are going pretty well with minimum discomfort. I think I've pretty much perfected the technique.

Emotionally and spiritually, I've maintained a deep peace this whole time. I don't feel that nervous. I just feel like things will work out. Do I have flashes of panic? Yes. But overall, I feel very calm.

I feel a little emotionally detached from the embryos this time. It makes me feel a little guilty, but I know I'm just doing the best I can. I've read them one book. The other embryos had a book or two a day. I just don't feel like doing it this time. I think deep, deep down it is hard to be joyful and this is just my heart's way of protecting itself. It's so subconscious but noticeable.

But I am grateful and happy and in shock and trying to get more excited. I'm blessed.

Thank you, Lord, for Your mercy and sustenance. Thank You for life and for allowing me to experience new life.

Because they mean so much to me- our group of five ladies has four confirmed pregnancies and one confirmed failed transfer. Please say a prayer for all the babies and moms and most importantly for my friend who lost embryos both in thawing and in transfer and is empty handed right now. It's very upsetting to cycle with someone and have them experience loss. It feels like she is left behind, and I don't understand why. I hope the next cycle will bring joy for her.

Finally, please nothing on Facebook if I know you in "real life". Thanks!

Beta Day (gulp)

Today is the big beta day.

There are a lot of mixed feelings swirling around regarding getting my blood drawn this time. The normal RE office I get monitoring at is closed for the holidays, so I am forced to go to another lab that I haven't had good luck with in the past. They NEVER forward the results to the ordering doctor, so you can bet that I will be camped in the lobby til a copy of the results are in my hands so I can forward them to NEDC myself.

Also, this particular lab can't do any hormones same-day so I won't even be able to get progesterone results til Monday. Yikes. I hope the shots are absorbing correctly. I can't let myself dwell on worries. There is nothing I can do.

If we get a positive beta today, we will retest on Monday and hope to see doubling 1.5x (eg: if it were 100, we would need to see 300 since it will be about 72 hours later rather than 48 hours later due to the weekend). We're both tentative about the results, so we will be sharing the results, either way, on Monday.

One of my cohorts had a positive beta on Wednesday (yay!) so hopefully hers will double today when she goes for her second beta. She has her second today, myself and two others have our first today, and the fifth person has her first on Monday. Please pray for good results and grace to handle whatever the results are for each of us.

Give Thanks

I am thankful for God's love and mercy. I don't have to be good enough on my own. I trust in Christ's salvation. Romans 4:7-8

I am thankful for my husband. For every time he leaves laundry on the floor, he sends me a text to tell me he loves me. He has patience with my anxiety. He gives me the freedom to be myself. His relaxation balances my neurosis. He's a hard worker.

I am thankful for my family, friends, and church family. I'm very loved. And I love being "Aunt Say".

I am thankful for my job. As much pressure and frustration I feel at work sometimes, I have flexibility. I can give back to my community. My coworkers provide laughs and a place to vent.

I am thankful for the beauty in my life. Cards, smiles, sunsets, Mexican food, music, being able to walk a half marathon through a gorgeous city, being able to experience with birth of another nephew. This year has been painful, but it's had beauty, too.

And then there's the fact that this year we've been gifted embryos. Families give such a huge gift through reading a profile about us. Tiny specks that hold a genetic footprint to a son or daughter. We are able to work with a nationally known, skilled physician and embryologist who provide experienced care (and happen to be mere hours from our house).

I've been blessed, and I am thankful for the gifts in my life.

Embryo Adoption Awareness Day

Today is the first annual Embryo Adoption Awareness Day. What can I say about embryo adoption? I hope it will finally be the answer to many prayers and make us parents. Well, it has made us parents already, parents of our embryos and of our miscarried baby, but hopefully we will have a child that sticks around.

A common phrase for people unable to have kids is to "just adopt". I know firsthand there is nothing "just" about adopting. I think different forms of adoption are right for different families, but there are so many benefits to embryo adoption. There are hundreds of thousands of waiting embryos, frozen and unable to grow without being transferred. I do not fault genetic parents for stopping at a certain point, and this provision can be a huge blessing to so many others.

When I first heard of embryo adoption, I thought it must be really expensive. I thought IVF costs PLUS adoption costs. Which is true to an extent, but in the majority of situations, it's much more affordable than an IVF cycle and many adoptive situations (fostercare aside). Granted, we've paid quite a bit, but many others are successful on the first transfer. Many people opt for closed situations or matching independently which are often more affordable. It would have been a much bigger emotional and financial gamble to do IVF with donor sperm- I struggled to produce good follicles with IUIs... then to go through a fresh IVF cycle to end up potentially only a couple embryos- or maybe even none?!? And of course our adoption struggles are documented here. International is unstable in many countries; there are a lot of unethical things happening; and we don't meet many qualifications, either. Foster care was not a good option for us. And DIA (domestic infant adoption)... crickets, disappointments, and we didn't even get to the point of scams or failed matches.

So yes, we've been on the embryo adoption journey nearly a year. We've suffered a miscarriage. I've endured three transfers and all the medicine that comes with it. Our bank account has dwindled. Our relationship has been pushed to the limits. But we've allowed 9 embryos to have a chance at life, and I believe they're in heaven right now. They're not alone and stuck in a freezer. Their genetic families can have closure, too. And we still have two more inside me, results to be seen. I've been supported by people who began as strangers and have grown into friends. People from all over the country who understand my struggles and vice versa. We've had an outpouring of support from those in our lives- family, friends, coworkers, church family.

Embryo adoption has blessed my family, and I pray the journey's capstone will arrive soon!

Embryo Adoption in the News

This week has brought much publicity to embryo adoption (EA). First, there was a story in the New York Times. Then, a series of interviews on People.com and a Good Morning America segment with a fellow EA mom, Liz, who means so very much to me who has supported me and provided encouragement like you wouldn't believe (she founded the support group I'm apart of). Then, a local news story of a fellow EA family who transferred at my clinic the day after I did. Then, another story with a fellow EA mom in my support group. Google news shows several other stories, as well: here and here.

Liz's GMA interview was the morning of my transfer, so I was off work and able to watch it live. It brought tears to my eyes. It also happened to be the one year anniversary of her daughter Sammy's transfer, so I hope that brings good luck to me!

Day in the Life of an Embryo: 2 & 3

Yesterday, we headed back home but not before having breakfast with one friend (the couple we've been with for all three transfers) and lunch with another. One benefit of going through a clinic is the ability to easily meet up with other embryo adoption families! 13 embryos between five families await their fate. 

I tried going to a community event that evening, once we were home. I got there and felt dizzy and sick so I left. The meds have really gotten me this time! 

We were both back to work today. Luckily D's family helped with transport services because I barely had the energy to make it through work. Luckily, again, we were on the slow side at work so I was able to catch up on desk work (yay! My desk looks like a tornado) and minimize walking all over all day long. 

Now I'm beyond happy for the weekend. The embryos have indulged in Thai and cuddling with my favorite blanket and cuddly cat (his head is rested on my stomach right now). They can look forward to sleeping in, grocery shopping and church this weekend. Maybe not the most exciting life, but they're unfrozen and part of our family. 

Transfer Day Número Tres

HI don't ever want to forget every detail of yesterday. We woke up- well, I woke up and delivered breakfast to our clinic. They more than deserve it, especially for all the questions, requests, phone calls, and emails they get just from me! So P.anera bagels, pastry ring, and some fresh fruit it was!

D was still in bed, for the first time in nearly six weeks. Due to his giant cast, he's only been able to get comfortable on the couch. So I was happy he was able to sleep in! 

We met two fellow EA moms for breakfast which was a pleasure! There were 6 little embryos at the breakfast table in addition to the adults. 

Then, it was time to guzzle my 40 oz of fluids and take my transfer meds. We'd talked about cab vs L.yft since D has a right foot cast and had been on pain medicine and I would be on v.alium. Luckily he has recently graduated to Tylenol only so since it was just a short distance, he drove us there with his left foot. So in one day he got to drive AND sleep in a real bed. Maybe he can lose the cast next. 

In the car, I got really scared. Is it the right decision to transfer two? Can I handle the possibility of twins? Panic! D reminded me they were frozen in vials of two so there was no choice. And it was too late, anyway. 

We got there early and waited a bit in the lobby. My bladder felt vaguely full but none of the desperate pains of last three times (mock + two transfers). I went back, gowned up, and rested on the gurney. I felt much more tired on the v.alium. I kept mixing up my words.

Carol came in and handed me "the picture". A fully hatched 6AA (the one on bottom right with no shell) and an almost hatching 5AB (she said the B which is the lighter area to the left side of the embryo which will become placenta was almost an A- the darker "clump" on the right side is the baby). 

Our beautiful babies! 

I was really saddened that two died in thawing. That didn't overshadow my joy, but I didn't expect it, either. It's a really sad thing to hear. That brings the count to 9 embryos of ours in heaven. 

Then it was time. The ultrasound showed my bladder was too full which surprised me. I barely felt like I had to go. I'm so hard on my poor bladder every day I guess. So I emptied for 12 seconds and returned to the transfer room. My crotch was cleaned and my cervix was sanitized (still stung!!). The new nurse had a little trouble at first getting the ultrasound in the right place but did end up getting the best view I've had out of three nurses and three transfers. I could see very well on the screen my huge bladder (dark area), my pretty little uterus I worked so hard to prepare, the thin white line of a catheter snake in, and even the second of a white flash of light as the embryos were dropped off. I've heard about the flash but never been able to see it. And just like that, I had two beautiful embryos inside me! 

I've about perfected sliding back on to the gurney (dig your elbows in and use your abs to slide). I rested inverted for 30 minutes. Sandy was my nurse again, sweet Sandy. We got our picture with the doctor and embryologist. We will NEED it for a baby book. 

D got us safely back to the hotel. We stopped for C.hickfila on the way back because it was well after 2 and I was starting to feel sick.

I hit the bed at the hotel and slept about an hour and a half. When I got up, we decided to get dinner and a movie. I think it's good to have a little light activity and something to occupy your mind. 

And that was our big day. It was bittersweet to be back. Our little one from July just couldn't make it. I miss her. It's a loss but I won't let that stop me. She is the "oldest" out of the 9 up there so she's in charge. I don't care that I'm in my late 20s and I brought the rabbit stuffed animal my mom gave me for her, when she died. I lay with it if I feel sad, and I laid with it last night. I'm blessed and thrilled and so very very hopeful and still at a loss, too. 

Spreading love and thanks 

Rise and shine embryos! Time to wake up! (Filling my bladder)

Verse my sister sent- she and my nephew were praying it for the embryos. 

The beautiful embryos

Catheter goes in direction of arrow and the embryos are in the white area below the plus sign 

Dinner time! 

Embryos on Board!

We've got two beautiful embryos on board! More to come soon. 

Last Kidless Night

We made it safely to Knoxville. On the way out the door, I threw all my protocol stuff into a plastic bag- including the Lysol wipes. Apparently the lid doesn't seal well because the juice spilled out all over everything. It actually leaked into my e.strace bottle and destroyed some of my pills (see the crumbly ones?). Luckily I salvaged most of them. And luckily the important pills for transfer had cotton in the bottle so they were spared, too. 

Band aids weren't so lucky... Requiring a T.arget trip. I got some good sealing wipes, ibropfen (because duh, how could I forget that?), some NAME BRAND heat patches because store brand is worthless, and my unscented soap and lotion just in case scent harms embryos (not proven but I read it somewhere). 

It was funny- when I was picking out the lotion and soap, I went to the baby aisle. Fellow shoppers must have presumed it was for my baby or something, but in the middle of the aisle my "Shots" ringtone started blaring. Don't mind me. Mother of the year. Ha! 

I had a great evening spending time with two fellow EA moms. They each have three little embryos on board- pray for them! 

12ish hours to go, and I'm still not getting nervous. I can't wait for tomorrow! 

New Directions

I realize how glad I am that I started blogging. I would remember a tenth of what's on here without it. I'm looking back at posts around my past two transfers. I instantly know facts like past lining measurements or how much to drink the day of transfer.

But more than that, I can relive the emotions. The elation, the anxiety, the suffering, the peace. 

I've come a long way, and I think my path is about to take a new direction. I'll have happier things to write about. Answered prayers. Fulfilled longings. 

I'll put my all into work today to get ahead. I'll finish packing tonight. I'll work the morning tomorrow, then start the drive to pick D up and head eastward. That's not very much left between me and the embryos. They don't know what's about to happen. While I'm making plans and rushing around, they're perpetually frozen and just waiting at a chance to experience life. Two more days! 

No Time to Be Nervous

Three more days til transfer! As jam packed as my life has been the past couple of weeks, it's left virtually no time to be nervous. 

The PIO has affected me more than I remember last time. I was really winded doing therapy yesterday. I started to feel almost like I was having a panic attack- dizzy and short of breath. I figured it had to be from the progesterone, and I did discover that progesterone can cause shortness of breath. 

So now? Off to pack for a trip to frigid Knoxville! 

Tomorrow begins thawing for some embryos for ladies from my cycle group. Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday will bring transfers and more thawing. This time around, I know four of the other families. Please pray for K, J, L, and C as well as me- for safe travels and healthy embryos and a smooth transfer. Pray for linings that aren't quite thick enough, trips from across the country, and for nervous third tries, first tries, and hopes to add siblings. Please pray for the doctor, embryologist, and the nurse (who is new- yes, having a different nurse for all three transfers is nerve wracking!!!). 

SHOTS

The first PIO of the cycle is over. It was thankfully uneventful. It's amazing what you can overcome. I was initially hesitant to do embryo adoption strictly based on the shots. Now I can do them myself, with no tears. It's all a matter of your mindset. 

So I've got my alarms set- and earlier this time since my morning routine now includes a Big City commute before work. I chose some upbeat music to remind me, rather than the drab default tone. I can't take credit for the idea; one of my fellow friends shared it with me prior to our first transfer together, and the chorus has been stuck in my head ever since. 

It's Go Time

That's right. It's a sharpied bullseye. 

My lining was 7.9mm (one mm thicker than last time, although still definitely on the low end of what they prefer) and my estrogen was a whopping 2012 (hence the unpleasant swelling). 

So tomorrow I cut my e.strace back to two pills a day (rather than three) and begin the PIO injections. I've unpacked my box of shot supplies and sterilized the counter so I will be ready to go bright and early in the morning. The bulls eyes are sharpied onto my hips. 

It's go time! 

Grace is Enough

I've had these horrible headaches for over two months. They were worse than hormonal migraines, and I'm not sure a single day went by in that time without a headache at least part of the day. My PCP could only suggest steroids since he wouldn't prescribe migraine medicine while TTC (which I agree with). He said I could see a neurologist, but the last thing I want right now is scans and more medicine. I tried massage, but the therapist felt like something was wrong with my neck and referred me to a chiropractor.

Except I don't believe in chiropractors, so I didn't go. I continued massage and saw another therapist who recommended the same thing. In a moment of pained desperation, I made an appointment. Just for a chiropractic consultation. In continued desperation, after the exam/consultation revealed a pinched nerve in my neck with two discs out of alignment, I let the chiropractor "adjust" me.

And for 2 1/2 days, I haven't had a headache.

This is a huge blessing to me.

I think sometimes I don't open myself to blessings. Fear and hesitation is part of human nature, I guess. 

Not only was I blessed to have my pain relieved, but the chiropractor prayed over me and our transfer. Can you say tears?

And as scary as it seems to be going for a third transfer, especially after a very painful miscarriage, I have to be open to this blessing.

It doesn't snow very often where I live. Ice? Yeah. Freezing cold rain? Yep. Snow, a few times a year maybe.

Today, on the long commute to take D to Big City, sleet turned to soft snowflakes. Delicate, unique, shimmery snowflakes.

The verse that was on my heart on the drive to the clinic the day of the bad ultrasound was 2 Corinthians 2:19: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." And today, as I looked down at the snowflakes falling on the window, Your Grace Is Enough came on.

I pray God doesn't forget me.

Adoption Love Link-Up: October

How did you/will you chose to tell your child they are adopted, and how do you/will you celebrate this blessing with them? 

I'm a bit late in answering, but the l.upron is over and I can tell- my brain flows freely again! 

We're in an open match because it is important to us for our child to know their history and hopefully have understanding of why we've made the decisions we have (and why the genetic parents made the decisions they have). I don't want my child to ever feel ashamed or "less". They were/are very much loved and wanted by four adults, and embryo adoption (I hope) was just our story. 

Going along with our open match, we plan to be honest from infanthood. We are the parents but their genetic family played an integral part in their beginnings. I don't want them to remember having to learn their history through a sit down discussion one day. I want them to just "always know". Of course, as children meet developmental milestones they will come to new understandings. And this information may be "okay" or it may be challenging, and I'd like to address it, if it becomes challenging. 

How we will actually go about it? I plan to make developmentally appropriate photo books with our story. I would read it to the child from infancy. I will try to answer any questions as they come. We've already emailed and shared pictures with Family D. I hope that relationship can continue to grow and maybe in the future we can head out to the West coast to meet them. 

I realize an open relationship can't always be part of everyone's story. I don't want to put down another parent who did not or could not make this choice. I think the most important decision we can make as adoptive parents- be it embryo or infant- is to never hide the past. We have to be confident that our children will feel our love and that we will bond, regardless of genetics. However, our children deserve to know their history as much as we are able to give it to them. That will look different for different families, and that's ok. 

PIO Nightmares

You might have some deep seeded anxiety if you have dreams two nights in a row about PIO gone wrong. 

I drempt very matter of factly that my PIO syringe was the size of a 20 oz coke bottle with an equally large and very crooked needle. The syringe was full of bubbles as if it were a fish tank. I kept standing there trying to figure out a way to make the injection work. 

Three more days til I start the hopefully less scary and less eventful PIO shots. 

The Fun Starts Tonight

To any straggler males reading, don't.

These pills aren't always just to be swallowed, and the fun starts tonight. Grow lining, grow! 

Joy Ahead

Tis the Season

I've had a sudden burst of energy this weekend. I've cleaned my house and washed a half dozen loads of laundry. In between work and getting my house in order, I've picked up (and wrapped) some Christmas presents, including this ornament for our embryos' genetic families.

Shopping Trip

I bought something today for the embryos whom I'll meet not this week but next. Even if the only picture I end up having of them is the one from the day of transfer, it will be put to good use. I'm not a fan of most ultrasound frames that are cheaply made and an explosion of pale pink or baby blue. This one is just right!

And as a side note, while I was perusing H.allmark, I noticed there was not a single adoption, infertility, OR miscarriage card to be found. There were loss of dog and cat, cancer, new home and everything in between (not that those occasions don't call for a card). 

Finally, if anyone is interested in the frame: http://shop.hallmark.com/baby/baby-gifts/already-sweet-sonogram-frame-1FRG7101.html. 

11 days til transfer

11 days til my transfer! Protocol update: My face is still crazy broken out. I've felt nauseous since I started taking 3 e.straces a day. On a good note, I'm expecting my brain fog to clear up now that I'm finished with the l.upron!. I've felt twinges of nervousness about my ultrasound on Friday- what if my lining isn't thick enough?! Surely I haven't come this far for yet another let down.

I'm trying to put any fears aside and trek ahead. I had another massage today in hopes of staying as relaxed as possible. I took a brisk walk after work and really enjoyed the gorgeous sunset and the remaining fall leaves. Overall, I am still feeling very positive.

I made sure to go to the dentist this week and have my yearly GYN appointment and a neck x-ray next week- I need to get all these out of the way because I plan to be pregnant very soon.

To close this random post, I will leave a song I really like that I heard this week on Pandora during one of my long commutes with D.

They Changed My Life

There's been a lot of abortion talk where I live, with the recent elections and some legislation about abortion up for vote.

I have a lot of empathy for people in a situation to choose abortion. I see the struggles firsthand. I try to help the lasting damage some environments cause. Kids can't help the families they are born into, and some adults are not in a place to be parents. It's a sad reality.

I have always believed life begins at conception, so abortion is stopping that life.

Having embryos puts a whole new perspective on abortion. Physically seeing life from the time of countable cells to a heartbeat flicker on a screen only weeks later. I'd bet any mom feels this way, but it is magnified when you go through IVF and see each step as it is happening.

I know my embryos are/were lives. It's pitiful to think the sacrifices that have already been made for mine but others are sucked out of their mom before they even have a chance or say-so.  Furthermore, having d&c's (essentially the same procedure as a surgical abortion) makes me realize how traumatic an abortion is, I imagine even if the pregnancy was "unwanted".

The moment I knew the church I was going to was "my church" was when, in a sermon about abortion, the pastor reminded the congregation that caring about life is more than just abortion but helping the mom/family in a crisis pregnancy, etc. To me, that is the key to my moderate beliefs. Protect life but don't stop there- love all people and serve those in need.

I don't really know the point of all this other than to say although my gift of seeing all perspectives can be dangerous, I think I have cemented truth about life forever in my soul through this experience.

I never knew 8 cells could change my life so much!

Two Weeks

Two weeks from today I will be waking up to meet my embryos! I can't wait to see them! Tomorrow is my last l.upron (yay since it's my least favorite drug and because my face is totally broke out!). I also bump up to three e.straces a day which is always a burden to remember, but that's what iphones are for!

I found a great route to walk on my lunchbreak that is exactly one mile. It's nice to know my blood is flowing, and the fresh air, sunshine, as well as peace and quiet are a great bonus! I'm still drinking the POM and using heat. I gave up on the raspberries, though. I'll know in about nine days what my lining measures!

I'm worried that maybe I'm too optimistic. I feel about 95% sure this cycle will work. It just seems so matter of fact in my mind.

Two more weeks!!!!

No Big Deal

Just walking through K.roger and an email comes through... my first correspondence from our genetic family, Family D. With pictures!

You know, no big deal. Just standing in the chip aisle, seeing the faces of the couple who gifted us with embryos and the embryos' genetic siblings!!!!

16 Days Til Transfer

16 days til we transfer! I don't have any days off between now and transfer day- so 16 straight days of work. I'm confident, then, that this remaining time will fly by. Please say a prayer that my stress level will stay low and that my headaches can subside.  I've had a hormonal migraine, tension headache, or combination of the two almost every day for over 2 months, and I am worn out. I've tried heat, ice, massage, stretching, excedrin, my prescription migraine pills, steroid dose pack, caffeine, no caffeine... with sporadic relief. I bought a new flax seed heating pack (No, I don't get paid to say this- I LOVE my R.elax W.raps!!!), and I am on the hunt for the perfect new pillow.

I'm feeling positive. I feel more positive than ever. I can't imagine that this won't work. The statistics are overwhelmingly in our favor. We just can't keep being the unlucky ones. I know I can get pregnant. We have some strong embryos that are nearly hatching already. I know God can breathe life into the tiny frozen embryos and allow them to grow into a baby. We have 100s of people praying for us.  

Okay, I know we can keep being the unlucky ones, we really can, but please oh please not!

I just need to keep doing my part to stay healthy and minimize my stress. I won't take too much on (work and D are enough right now). I will keep eating well and taking my vitamins so I can avoid any kind of virus pre-transfer (I was sick prior to the first one and still coughing a lot at night for the first one). I will keep up drinking the P.OM and walking and using heat packs in hopes of a thick lining. THIS IS IT! We're in the home stretch of our successful cycle!

Weight Gain

You might be on e.strace when your eating habits haven't changed but you step on the scale and you've gained 5 pounds in 5 days... This is a really depressing part of embryo adoption!

Birthday Protocol

I had a birthday this week. I love emojis and I love emojji stories (eg: M.iley story). I was very humored to see the emoji story my sister texted me in honor of my big day.

It's probably tacky to talk publicly too much about work, so I left that part out, but she nailed just about everything... get up and drive D to work... then work... then drive to pick up D and drive to Mexican (hence the tomato for salsa) then celebrate my birthday and end the day with my l.upron and e.strace, a quick trip to the computer, and of course curling up with my cats for the night.

Yep, I'd say she got just about everything!

My Story

My poor brain is so sluggish. I have all these thoughts and feelings but it's hard to put them into words.

There are two major reunions/social events coming up within the next two weeks, and I'm not going to either one. I have legitimate reasons why I can't attend. And I would like to be able to go to see some people who would be there.

But part of me is relieved. I honestly do not mind people asking me questions or discussing our situation. I think I'm in a minority with my comfort level of this process. I want to share so other people who may be silently suffering are aware of options. And so no one feels alone. And just because I am pretty excited about this path.

However, I can't stand the unspoken tension of poking questions or looks of pity. Anyone in my social circle "should" have kids by now... or several... or several in late elementary school. And I don't have a child or one on the way or anything. So when you go to these events, it's kinda like a small elephant following you around (maybe I read too much into things).

And while I do enjoy sharing my story, I don't want attention or pity or feeling like I am the trainwreck on someone's Facebook feed. Which is why I shared this blog publicly a few times when I first made it, but I don't put it on my Facebook feed anymore. I feel like if anyone genuinely cares to know what is happening, they follow. I don't just want views when something dramatic happens. My whole heart is all over these posts. I want that reserved for people rooting for me.

I guess all this to say that openness is a fine line. And, this situation is such a lonely place- it's lonely in social settings to not have a picture of my kid or a story to add to the conversation, but it's lonely to be left out of conversations, too.

Maybe one day soon none of this will be a consideration.

Creator

 

"You are worthy, O Lord our God,
    to receive glory and honor and power.
For you created all things,
    and they exist because you created what you pleased".

-Revelation 4:11

More drive time leads to more time for reflection and more time in creation (in a roundabout way- however much you can enjoy from your vehicle). My God is a Creator. I love the vibrant fall leaves, the glowing sunrises, the grey billowing storm clouds, the stately brown branches of a tree.

I look forward to seeing our embryos for the first time, the lives that were formed and have been frozen in a lab, suspended in time. As beautiful as our world is, I don't know of anything more so than the glossy photograph that will be in my hands of a small, round embryo full of tiny cells that will hopefully become wispy hair, soft skin, and grubby hands.

Here We Go!

Yesterday was the big day. I dropped D off at work in outskirts of Big City and headed into my monitoring appointments. Big City has four main interstates, and I drove on each one by the time I made it to the clinic!

Bloodwork was drawn, ultrasound was done, and I headed back to work. I got my own chauffeur for the afternoon scraping so I could take some pain medication. My mom and I went back to the clinic, and the scraping was said and done in no time. It was still pretty painful but much better with medication. I don't know why it is so painful for me! But, there was a lot of tissue removed this time, too, so hopefully my body will do its job!

I was lucky to get the results that my lining was nice and thin (3.8mm; for comparison it was 3.9mm the first cycle and 3.7mm the second cycle) and my estrogen was low (53; for comparison it was 41 the first cycle and 49 the second).

So, I am now able to begin adding in e.strace to my protocol. I will continue the l.upron a little while longer as I transition into building my lining. Here we go!

I know... I am every pharmaceutical company's dream. The one that really matters right now is the tiny, blue half a pill up front. I've got some fish oil and a multivitamin, vitamin D, and B complex to try to be as healthy as possible and some allergy medication and ibuprofen/midol to hold me over through the day.

A Day of Rest

Yesterday, I had a long awaited day of rest. I was physically busy all day, but I had an "off" day for my mind. Thankfully, no work, no on call phone for today. I woke up at a leisurely 7:15 AM and ate some yummy oatmeal sprinkled with walnuts (which is my new favorite after K.roger unkindly stopped carrying my other favorite oatmeal!). I proceeded to town on the backroads so I could enjoy the foggy morning sprinkled with fall leaves and hay rolls.

Once I got to town, I got a much needed massage. My headaches have been out of control the past two months. My PCP gave me a steroid pack that temporarily helped, and I'm trying to not rely on pain medication that I can't even take come my transfer. So, for over an hour, the massage therapist found all kinds of knots and showed me several things I can do myself to keep my neck loose which should help my headaches (I knew I held stress in my neck and shoulders but who knew that helped cause headaches?!?). And on a sad note, she found a pretty nice knot on my lower left hip... two months past PIO and I still relive that cycle.

I left feeling lighter and looser than ever. I could even turn my head properly in lane changes. What a simple fix! I treated myself to one of the new S.onic Splashes (I've had both the Sunshine Berry and the Hawaiian Wave, and both are pretty tasty- if you're okay with fruit pieces in your water). I picked up some tom yum soup from my favorite Thai place- heaven in a bowl! I even ran a bunch of errands but it was no big deal since I was still floating. I ended the day with homemade soup and bread at my family homestead (parents' house) and hugs and kisses from my nephew.

It's amazing how much better I feel. I still don't feel great from the medication, and I am still "it" for our family right now for chores, driving, and daily life.... but I can handle it, with this recharge. I made it through D's surgery (which his ortho specialist said was the most procedures in one case he has ever done- awesome), D's recovery thus far (one ER visit, two doctor appointments, and on his third cast), lots of chauffeuring and cleaning and packing lunches, starting up my most dreaded medication, and working a very long stretch at work. Oh, and a flat tire Thursday. You know, to spice things up a little! If I can handle these past two weeks, I can handle anything!

Anything for the Embryos

This cycle is flying so much more quickly than the previous two. I guess a big part of it is that I am pretty comfortable with what will happen, so I don't spend hours researching and agonizing each step. Shots are going okay. I am having a lot of headaches, but I have had a lot of headaches the past several weeks, anyway, so who knows what is really causing them.

I can't believe it's already time for my baseline ultrasound! I will hopefully have good news on Monday that my uterus and ovaries look okay. Surely they will, considering I had a clear SIS not even 3 weeks ago. I've got to get some baseline bloodwork, too, and if that is okay, I will begin e.strace next week. And, how can I forget... the scraping. Eek! Anything for the embryos...

No Title

L.upron is the strangest drug. It zaps my emotional ability. I led a grief group at work. Lots of genuinely sad stories. Normally I'd leave feeling pretty heavy, but I barely felt sad. And, I feel exhausted just imagining crafting a heartfelt post. Words don't dance; they sluggishly form bland sentences. I couldn't even come up with a title for this post.

I don't feel excited or nervous or really anything about our transfer. Yesterday I found out that, yay, our donors got their open donation agreement turned in. But the yay is monotone. And no explanation mark.

I know, in my brain, I am thrilled to be at this point. We have embryos! And we are four weeks away from possibly the most life changing day of our life! That is huge. Huge!

But I can only think how very tired I am, and how nothing really seems to matter. Your pituitary (I believe that's what l.upron shuts off) is such an important little part of your body, isn't it?

One of Those Days

Day four of the l.upron. I don't feel well, but not sure if it's just the medicine or if it's the stress of my job, current home life, and just the pressure of a third transfer. And my debit card was messed up in some stupid H.ome D.epot thing, so I had to get a new one. And the cats were out of cat food, and the dry cleaning needed picked up, and I was out of gas. You know, one of those days.

Not complaining about any of it- glad to have a job (especially one with great coworkers as well as flexibility) or about D (just glad he is slowly getting better). But it's hard to say if fatigue, irritability, and headaches are from stress or from the medicine.

I'm not exactly looking forward to next week. I'm already dreading the scraping!

I'm mentally exhausted just writing this post, so I'm going to bed now!

This Time

L.upron, we meet again.

I was never supposed to be an expert on injectible meds. Tonight, I eased right back into it. I remembered just what to do.

So this is it. Yeah, I've been on bcp for awhile which is technically part of the protocol, but I'm so comfortable with bcp (and actually prefer to be on it). Which is why l.upron really marks the beginning of the cycle in my mind.

I happen to be on another 12 day stretch at work. I don't know why these always fall when I am on l.upron. Some sort of cruel joke from the universe, I guess.

Last cycle, around this time, I was feeling tired, unsure, and empty.

This time I feel really scared and still a little broken.

I don't know what we will do if this transfer doesn't work, or worse, ends in another loss.

It's terrifying to plunge into try 3.

It's a whole extra layer of pain and fear and trepidation after what happened last time.

And I still miss our baby. And our first genetic family. 

Regardless, embryos, we are coming for you!