I probably sound like a broken record, but I never imagined we'd be at 11 months without... a baby, or at least a match, or at least a meeting with an expectant mom, or at least being an expectant mom's top two... or something!
I feel, if not for pursuing embryo adoption, we'd have nothing more than more dust in our nursery and less money in our bank account. This may not be "the" answer, either- time will tell- but we are moving somewhere.
I feel very frustrated when I think about our adoption agency, their staffing decisions, the lack of adoptions. I absolutely don't want an expectant mom placing for the sake of another family "getting" her baby, but surely there are more than a handful of moms in a large metropolitan area that would like to make an adoption plan. I feel it's a disservice to waiting families to have more and more families sign on when the number of adoptions never waxes and only wanes. I get having a ministry for birthmoms, as the agency preaches, but what about the ministry for waiting families?? I work in a similar industry... it really is always feast or famine in a human services field. But why has there been a famine for a year?
We have made the best decisions we could with the information we had along this path. It's meandering, and we have to be okay with that. We can't default to our natural tendency to complain or question God in this, like the Israelites in the wilderness.
One day, this will all make sense.
Saturday, March 29, 2014
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Odd Night
We had our phone call with the mediator to negotiate the contact which went very well. It feels surreal. This is the furthest we've gotten in the process: we've had one expectant mom look at the profile book we painstakingly made, but we weren't chosen. This family has said "YES!" to us adopting their embryos. They saw our pictures and read about us and feel like we would be a great match.
Funny moment: after the call, Daniel and I were talking about the embryos which happen to have originated in an odd amount to which Daniel says, "That is really weird they would pick an odd number". I was laughing so hard I couldn't talk. He didn't know exactly how embryos came to be, thus the thought he doctor and/or parents could pick an even number of eggs to fertilize.
The unusual things you discuss when you become parents this way.
Anyway, the next step will be us as well as the donor family getting written copies of the agreement and getting them back to the mediator. Then, we will be official!
Funny moment: after the call, Daniel and I were talking about the embryos which happen to have originated in an odd amount to which Daniel says, "That is really weird they would pick an odd number". I was laughing so hard I couldn't talk. He didn't know exactly how embryos came to be, thus the thought he doctor and/or parents could pick an even number of eggs to fertilize.
The unusual things you discuss when you become parents this way.
Anyway, the next step will be us as well as the donor family getting written copies of the agreement and getting them back to the mediator. Then, we will be official!
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Great Things Take Time
Tomorrow, the genetic/donor family is scheduled to have their conference call with the mediator. Then, Thursday we will have ours. This means if we all agree from the get go, our open adoption agreements could be signed and returned to the clinic as early as next week.
Which isn't "early" when I'm only 2-3 weeks from starting the medication protocol. But great things take time, and maybe, just maybe, something positive is finally about to happen!
You Shouldn't Need a Reason for Not Having Kids [repost]
Repost from Thought Catalog by Jamie Berube
"I wore a maxi dress to work today. The frequency in which I wear dresses to work is about once per month. I am more of a jeans and blouse kind of girl. So on the spontaneous day that I wear a dress like I did today, people notice and sometimes talk about it in the same way they might if I showed up with a tattoo on my face. Most days I don’t mind this. Today was not one of those days.
It was mid-morning and I was chatting with a coworker about my decision to go to 7/11 last night for a glazed doughnut (or two) at 11:00 p.m. I ate the doughnuts right before bed (I had had a day, okay?) and this morning when I woke up the first thing I saw was my crumpled up 7/11 doughnut wrapper on my nightstand staring at me, shaming me, and reminding me of my choices from the night before. While I described this narrative to a coworker, we laughed and I put my hand over the middle of my belly and said “oh well, it was worth it.”
A few seconds later I felt a hand on my shoulder from behind. I turned around and there was a middle-aged woman from another department standing there with a big grin on her face.
“What are you hiding under that lovely dress?” she asked. She looked at my coworker and winked. I snickered and replied: ”Doughnuts.”
She didn’t think it was funny.
“Well, that’s not what I was hoping to hear,” she went on to say.
Not again, I thought. It was the hand over the belly. And the dress. Here it comes…
“I was hoping you were showing off a baby bump and you never wear dresses… I got excited,” she explained.
“Haha, sorry, no babies here. Not for a long time. Or ever,” I said, even though my coworker already knew this. She has been asking me about my plans for procreation since I started my job four years ago.
“Well that just makes me sad…” she said solemnly as she walked away.
Right. I forgot. Whether or not I am pregnant should be directly related to how you feel about my being pregnant.
I did not say this out loud. But I should have.
Her sentiments reminded me of something that happened a month ago while at church. An elderly woman with whom I have known for a couple years walked up to me amidst a conversation with a visitor in which I had stated that my husband and I would be celebrating our fifth wedding anniversary this upcoming summer. Upon hearing this comment the woman stated: “Five years already!? Oh honey, you better start popping out your babies now!”
The visitor I was talking to let out a giggle. Before I could say anything the woman continued, “Pretty soon it’ll be too late for you.”
And with that she strutted off to her seat in a pew.
It is time for those who view it as socially appropriate to make comments or jokes about a woman’s plans for child-bearing to understand that it’s not okay. It is also not okay to ask when she’s going to have kids or her reasons why she’s choosing not to. I don’t care who you are — unless you are my husband, doctor, or my best friend of fourteen years, do not ask me or make jokes about my pregnancy status. Or lack thereof. It’s not funny, cute, or kind. In fact, it’s the exact opposite, and depending on whatever my circumstances might be that you likely don’t know about it could be absolutely devastating.
A few months ago I went out with a girlfriend who is consistently one of the most positive and visibly happy people I have ever met. She never seems to have a bad day. I pointed this out to her as a compliment and said I admired her for it. The conversation went deeper and she revealed to me that she’s not always happy, and that her greatest source if sadness comes from not having had kids yet. She explained that she is constantly asked about it and it pains her. She struggles with depression in part because she’s wanted a baby for years but isn’t in a situation conducive to making it happen.
I know another woman who has been married for seven years and trying to get pregnant for six of them. She was told she likely can’t conceive so she has been to infertility treatment clinics for years and had no luck. It crushes her. She never knows what to say when she’s asked about children but confided that the question almost always makes her want to cry.
If someone says they don’t want kids, there is a good chance that there is a reason why that you are not entitled to or need to know. Because that reason is likely not something the woman enjoys discussing.
My husband and I have had the talk and agree that having kids is not a priority for us. Not now, not in six months, and if we so choose, not ever. My plans to give birth to another human life line up perfectly with my plans to work as a back-up dancer for Justin Beiber’s intergalactic tour through outer-space. So as it stands, that equates to never. And you know what? Alongside every other woman who also shares these feelings, we do not need a reason as to why.
Yet all too often, we find ourselves stuttering to justify or explain to other people how we could possibly not want to do the thing you are supposed to do after you get married, that is, make babies, which is a decision that doesn’t fit the favored life script that so many ascribe to and expect of others. Furthermore, when we do try to explain why we don’t want children, it often snowballs into an even more demeaning, presumptuous, and ignorant conversation on behalf of the other person when they say things like “Oh, you’ll change your mind someday,” or, “Sure, you say that now… just you wait a year or two!” But unlike the type of car you drive or whether you wear glasses or contacts or sleep with one partner or five, having kids is not necessarily a choice that you can change your mind about on a whim. Particularly if, like my two girlfriends, it is not a choice you can control.
This should be a no-brainer. But sadly, it’s become a part of the package that is Westernized marriage. If you’re a wife, you’re expected to also be a mother. And if you’re not…well than, what are you doing with a husband and a house and a fresh-out-of-college career if not preparing for your flock of future baby ducklings?
For women, there is hardly anything as inappropriately invasive and ignorant as comments or questions posed to her about her baby-making abilities or parts or plans. Nothing outside of asking her why she isn’t married or why she is overweight, or underweight, or how her menstrual cycle is coming along. I wonder whether people would ever deem it acceptable to ask a woman those intimate and deeply sensitive questions in public. My guess is no.
The reality that such people seem to have failed to recognize or consider is that the process of getting pregnant can be the greatest and most painful source of agony and grief that a woman ever experiences. That’s because she may miscarry — multiple times. And money, an unstable marriage or family, mental or physical illness, lack of support or career decisions could also be factors — the list of reasons goes on.
But the list doesn’t matter. Because the reasons are nobody’s business.
My coworker has no idea whether or not I had a miscarriage last month. She has no clue about the state of my marriage or health or where I am in my life journey. But for women who have dealt with obstacles in conceiving, her comment could have triggered intense sadness and depression and feelings of inadequacy.
Most women understand the intention might be sincere and possibly one of excitement about the possibility of getting to hold your future baby and buy cute clothes and crib accessories for them. But even so, having a baby isn’t about that.
Being a parent is hard. I have incredible amount of respect for parents. I believe the act of child-rearing is among the most honorable and wonderful things someone could choose to dedicate their life to. Parenting requires courage and selflessness and an impossible measure of patience and grace because having a baby is HUGE deal. A lot more so than things like your credit score or sex life or your views on gay marriage. Yet, I doubt a woman from work or church would ask me about those things in public.
My coworker’s comments inspired me to come up with a solution to this problem that works for me and may also work for others who share these sentiments. And the best solution I can think of to get this point across when we are asked about when we will have babies or why we don’t want them is to answer with this simple question: Why do you ask?
If they have the nerve to answer, it’s unlikely the answer has anything to do with the woman who made the choice and is more about them.
Kids are not a foreseeable part of my future. And I don’t need to give anyone a reason why other than because that is a part of what makes me, me. In the same way that motherhood shapes a woman’s identity, so does her choice, involuntary or not, to remain child-free. Period."
"I wore a maxi dress to work today. The frequency in which I wear dresses to work is about once per month. I am more of a jeans and blouse kind of girl. So on the spontaneous day that I wear a dress like I did today, people notice and sometimes talk about it in the same way they might if I showed up with a tattoo on my face. Most days I don’t mind this. Today was not one of those days.
It was mid-morning and I was chatting with a coworker about my decision to go to 7/11 last night for a glazed doughnut (or two) at 11:00 p.m. I ate the doughnuts right before bed (I had had a day, okay?) and this morning when I woke up the first thing I saw was my crumpled up 7/11 doughnut wrapper on my nightstand staring at me, shaming me, and reminding me of my choices from the night before. While I described this narrative to a coworker, we laughed and I put my hand over the middle of my belly and said “oh well, it was worth it.”
A few seconds later I felt a hand on my shoulder from behind. I turned around and there was a middle-aged woman from another department standing there with a big grin on her face.
“What are you hiding under that lovely dress?” she asked. She looked at my coworker and winked. I snickered and replied: ”Doughnuts.”
She didn’t think it was funny.
“Well, that’s not what I was hoping to hear,” she went on to say.
Not again, I thought. It was the hand over the belly. And the dress. Here it comes…
“I was hoping you were showing off a baby bump and you never wear dresses… I got excited,” she explained.
“Haha, sorry, no babies here. Not for a long time. Or ever,” I said, even though my coworker already knew this. She has been asking me about my plans for procreation since I started my job four years ago.
“Well that just makes me sad…” she said solemnly as she walked away.
Right. I forgot. Whether or not I am pregnant should be directly related to how you feel about my being pregnant.
I did not say this out loud. But I should have.
Her sentiments reminded me of something that happened a month ago while at church. An elderly woman with whom I have known for a couple years walked up to me amidst a conversation with a visitor in which I had stated that my husband and I would be celebrating our fifth wedding anniversary this upcoming summer. Upon hearing this comment the woman stated: “Five years already!? Oh honey, you better start popping out your babies now!”
The visitor I was talking to let out a giggle. Before I could say anything the woman continued, “Pretty soon it’ll be too late for you.”
And with that she strutted off to her seat in a pew.
It is time for those who view it as socially appropriate to make comments or jokes about a woman’s plans for child-bearing to understand that it’s not okay. It is also not okay to ask when she’s going to have kids or her reasons why she’s choosing not to. I don’t care who you are — unless you are my husband, doctor, or my best friend of fourteen years, do not ask me or make jokes about my pregnancy status. Or lack thereof. It’s not funny, cute, or kind. In fact, it’s the exact opposite, and depending on whatever my circumstances might be that you likely don’t know about it could be absolutely devastating.
A few months ago I went out with a girlfriend who is consistently one of the most positive and visibly happy people I have ever met. She never seems to have a bad day. I pointed this out to her as a compliment and said I admired her for it. The conversation went deeper and she revealed to me that she’s not always happy, and that her greatest source if sadness comes from not having had kids yet. She explained that she is constantly asked about it and it pains her. She struggles with depression in part because she’s wanted a baby for years but isn’t in a situation conducive to making it happen.
I know another woman who has been married for seven years and trying to get pregnant for six of them. She was told she likely can’t conceive so she has been to infertility treatment clinics for years and had no luck. It crushes her. She never knows what to say when she’s asked about children but confided that the question almost always makes her want to cry.
If someone says they don’t want kids, there is a good chance that there is a reason why that you are not entitled to or need to know. Because that reason is likely not something the woman enjoys discussing.
My husband and I have had the talk and agree that having kids is not a priority for us. Not now, not in six months, and if we so choose, not ever. My plans to give birth to another human life line up perfectly with my plans to work as a back-up dancer for Justin Beiber’s intergalactic tour through outer-space. So as it stands, that equates to never. And you know what? Alongside every other woman who also shares these feelings, we do not need a reason as to why.
Yet all too often, we find ourselves stuttering to justify or explain to other people how we could possibly not want to do the thing you are supposed to do after you get married, that is, make babies, which is a decision that doesn’t fit the favored life script that so many ascribe to and expect of others. Furthermore, when we do try to explain why we don’t want children, it often snowballs into an even more demeaning, presumptuous, and ignorant conversation on behalf of the other person when they say things like “Oh, you’ll change your mind someday,” or, “Sure, you say that now… just you wait a year or two!” But unlike the type of car you drive or whether you wear glasses or contacts or sleep with one partner or five, having kids is not necessarily a choice that you can change your mind about on a whim. Particularly if, like my two girlfriends, it is not a choice you can control.
This should be a no-brainer. But sadly, it’s become a part of the package that is Westernized marriage. If you’re a wife, you’re expected to also be a mother. And if you’re not…well than, what are you doing with a husband and a house and a fresh-out-of-college career if not preparing for your flock of future baby ducklings?
For women, there is hardly anything as inappropriately invasive and ignorant as comments or questions posed to her about her baby-making abilities or parts or plans. Nothing outside of asking her why she isn’t married or why she is overweight, or underweight, or how her menstrual cycle is coming along. I wonder whether people would ever deem it acceptable to ask a woman those intimate and deeply sensitive questions in public. My guess is no.
The reality that such people seem to have failed to recognize or consider is that the process of getting pregnant can be the greatest and most painful source of agony and grief that a woman ever experiences. That’s because she may miscarry — multiple times. And money, an unstable marriage or family, mental or physical illness, lack of support or career decisions could also be factors — the list of reasons goes on.
But the list doesn’t matter. Because the reasons are nobody’s business.
My coworker has no idea whether or not I had a miscarriage last month. She has no clue about the state of my marriage or health or where I am in my life journey. But for women who have dealt with obstacles in conceiving, her comment could have triggered intense sadness and depression and feelings of inadequacy.
Most women understand the intention might be sincere and possibly one of excitement about the possibility of getting to hold your future baby and buy cute clothes and crib accessories for them. But even so, having a baby isn’t about that.
Being a parent is hard. I have incredible amount of respect for parents. I believe the act of child-rearing is among the most honorable and wonderful things someone could choose to dedicate their life to. Parenting requires courage and selflessness and an impossible measure of patience and grace because having a baby is HUGE deal. A lot more so than things like your credit score or sex life or your views on gay marriage. Yet, I doubt a woman from work or church would ask me about those things in public.
My coworker’s comments inspired me to come up with a solution to this problem that works for me and may also work for others who share these sentiments. And the best solution I can think of to get this point across when we are asked about when we will have babies or why we don’t want them is to answer with this simple question: Why do you ask?
If they have the nerve to answer, it’s unlikely the answer has anything to do with the woman who made the choice and is more about them.
Kids are not a foreseeable part of my future. And I don’t need to give anyone a reason why other than because that is a part of what makes me, me. In the same way that motherhood shapes a woman’s identity, so does her choice, involuntary or not, to remain child-free. Period."
Friday, March 21, 2014
Whirlwind
It's been a whirlwind. We got an email with 11-12 donor family profiles on Tuesday afternoon. More specifically, I got them on my email on my phone and started browsing. We had a training for our adoption agency that night, so when I met up with Daniel after work, he looked over the profiles, too. Within 45 minutes, we had both agreed on the same first and second choice. I guess with all the talking about sperm donors and potential adoptive situations, we've wound up very much on the same page.
We didn't feel like we needed to sleep on it, because we have pretty certain specifications of what we are and aren't open to, and both of these families aligned with them. I emailed our clinic to let them know our choices Tuesday night. (The choosing a family was the easy part... the difficult part was understanding the logistics behind the different stages of embryos- this set has embryos in two stages- and the implications for transfer and needing a back up).
From there, the clinic has to contact the the donors and send some information on us, to see if they want to match with us. They are able to ask questions of us before they say yes or no. We expected to hear back in several days, or maybe a week or longer.
Bright and early Thursday morning (so really just a day later), I had an email saying our first choice donors accepted us: "I wanted to let you know that donor xxxx has gladly accepted you as recipients". Big horray #1!
The open agreement/contract mediator followed up with us later that afternoon to let us know the donor family actually lives within an hour of us and wanted to know if that was ok. Fine by us! Again, we wondered if this would be a roadblock. But, we heard back within several hours that they, too, are okay with the proximity: "I am happy to tell you that I received a prompt response from the donors. They state that they 'don't have any problem with the geographic proximity' and are 'good to proceed'." . Big horray #2!
Now the next step will be that our mediator meets with them to see exactly what openness they forsee, and then meets with us to do the same. She will write a legally binding contract. We will all agree to it (hopefully). Then, the set of embryos from this family will be "reserved" for us, and we can proceed with transfer in the May cycle!
We didn't feel like we needed to sleep on it, because we have pretty certain specifications of what we are and aren't open to, and both of these families aligned with them. I emailed our clinic to let them know our choices Tuesday night. (The choosing a family was the easy part... the difficult part was understanding the logistics behind the different stages of embryos- this set has embryos in two stages- and the implications for transfer and needing a back up).
From there, the clinic has to contact the the donors and send some information on us, to see if they want to match with us. They are able to ask questions of us before they say yes or no. We expected to hear back in several days, or maybe a week or longer.
Bright and early Thursday morning (so really just a day later), I had an email saying our first choice donors accepted us: "I wanted to let you know that donor xxxx has gladly accepted you as recipients". Big horray #1!
The open agreement/contract mediator followed up with us later that afternoon to let us know the donor family actually lives within an hour of us and wanted to know if that was ok. Fine by us! Again, we wondered if this would be a roadblock. But, we heard back within several hours that they, too, are okay with the proximity: "I am happy to tell you that I received a prompt response from the donors. They state that they 'don't have any problem with the geographic proximity' and are 'good to proceed'." . Big horray #2!
Now the next step will be that our mediator meets with them to see exactly what openness they forsee, and then meets with us to do the same. She will write a legally binding contract. We will all agree to it (hopefully). Then, the set of embryos from this family will be "reserved" for us, and we can proceed with transfer in the May cycle!
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Twas the night of the profiles...
Twas the night of the profiles, when all through the house
Sara was overwhelmed, she needed her spouse.
Needed his insight to make things more clear,
In hopes that a child would someday appear.
The cats were nestled all snug and ready for bed,
While visions of 2PNs, multicells, and blasts danced in our heads.
Sara was overwhelmed, she needed her spouse.
Needed his insight to make things more clear,
In hopes that a child would someday appear.
The cats were nestled all snug and ready for bed,
While visions of 2PNs, multicells, and blasts danced in our heads.
Monday, March 17, 2014
"That Was Horrendous"
.PNG) |
| Our cat sympathizes with our plight and joins in on the fun! |
As if we haven't been through enough misery in this process, we had to watch a required dreadful webinar online.
Ok, maybe it wasn't fully miserable. But Daniel's closing statement was "That was horrendous. My high school speech teacher would have stopped her three minutes into it, said, 'Go home and re-read over it and come back tomorrow'."
The webinar focused on the value of openness in embryo adoption. It had plenty of true information, but it reiterated the same thing over and over for almost an hour. It wasn't anything Daniel and I hadn't already discussed and decided upon... almost three years ago when we first thought about donor sperm. Fifty minutes into it, Daniel choked: "Ok, we get it. Don't keep it a secret from the kid!!!"
And, it had a couple pet peeves. Daniel is doing this public speaking thing at work, so he is especially attune to "umm"... which the lady said sometimes up to four times in a single sentence. And me, being the conscientious MSW I am, took offense that every single picture in the slides was of a cheerful Caucasian baby, child, or family. Are white folks the only ones adopting embryos? I think not.
Anyway, just another step on the long staircase of embryo adoption. It gave us plenty to laugh about. It was ALMOST as good as the foster care first aid class we took in a near-by but assuredly much more rural county in which:
1) Couple sitting next to us brushed their teeth with wisps during class while they wore sunglasses inside
2) Guy sitting in front of us had a self-shaved head with a giant missed stripe
3) There was a family that was a clone of Duck Dynasty
4) The (ignorant) teacher said it was important for all foster parents to wear latex gloves when they touch the newbie foster kids... because you just never know.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Utah Adoption Lawsuit
Fathers Blast Utah's Strict Adoption Laws
Suit Filed on Behalf of Men Who Fought to Keep Their Biological Babies From Being Adopted
A federal lawsuit is taking aim at Utah's
adoption laws, claiming they don't adequately protect the rights of
unmarried biological fathers in the name of getting newborns into
stable, two-parent families.
Utah's laws
are among the most "adoption-friendly" in the nation, say legal
experts, and largely reflect the state's desire to discourage both
abortions and a proliferation of single-parent families.
An
unwed mother living in Utah generally can relinquish her rights to a
baby to an adoption agency 24 hours after she gives birth, sooner than
is allowed in most other states. Utah also bars her from undoing her
decision if she changes her mind. Fathers, meanwhile, have limited
grounds to challenge the adoptive parents' custody of their child. It
typically isn't enough to argue that the mother failed to disclose her
plans to seek an adoption or outright misled the father.
The
lawsuit was filed last month in Salt Lake City federal court on behalf
of 12 men who fought to keep their babies from being placed into
adoption by their mothers. Three succeeded; nine didn't. It names the
state attorney general's office and two former state attorneys general
as defendants. A spokeswoman for the attorney general's office declined
to comment.
It is the latest challenge
to Utah's adoption laws, which place hundreds of children a year into
two-parent homes. Last March, the Utah Supreme Court heard arguments in a
case challenging the constitutionality of the laws. The court, which
has yet to rule, will soon consider two other suits making similar
claims.
"Compared to most others',
Utah's laws are draconian," said
Bruce Boyer,
director of the Civitas ChildLaw Clinic at the Loyola University
Chicago School of Law. "The state does not make it easy for fathers to
protect their rights."
An unwed father
living in Utah who seeks to block an adoption in the state must first
file a paternity action in court and submit a filing that includes a
parenting plan for after the child's birth and proof that he has paid—or
attempted to pay—for much of the mother's prenatal care. The father
must then let the state's Office of Vital Records know about the suit.
All of this requires hiring a lawyer, and can cost thousands of dollars.
It also has to happen quickly.
If a
father hasn't completed these requirements by the time the mother
relinquishes the baby to an adoption agency, he is typically out of
luck, even if he didn't know the mother was planning an adoption,
according to several Utah family lawyers.
Defenders
of the laws say they reflect a valid and justifiable legislative
determination. "It's a religious state in which the traditional
two-parent family structure is still very highly cherished," said
Lorie Fowlke,
a Republican former member of the state's House of
Representatives and now a family lawyer in Provo.
Ms.
Fowlke said that while Utah's laws may be less forgiving for fathers
than those elsewhere, they still afford rights to those who show a
commitment to parenting. "We say, 'OK, dad, if you've been involved,
buying diapers and prenatal vitamins and you file your paperwork on
time, then yes, you can have the rights,' " she said. "Otherwise, we
think mothers should be empowered to decide this on their own."
Utah
courts have dealt with a number of cases on this issue. In 2010,
Jake Strickland,
then a 23-year-old Salt Lake City-area resident, began a
relationship with a married woman who became pregnant with his child.
The couple stayed in communication and had discussed co-parenting,
according to court papers filed by Mr. Strickland's attorney in a suit
challenging the child's adoption. Based on her assurances, he didn't
take the necessary legal steps to protect his rights before the child's
birth.
Toward the end of her pregnancy,
the mother told Mr. Strickland that a caesarean section had been
scheduled for Jan. 12, 2011, according to Mr. Strickland's court papers.
But on Jan. 5, 2011, the mother told Mr. Strickland that she had
delivered the baby a week earlier and already had put the boy up for
adoption.
Mr. Strickland, also one of
the plaintiffs in the new suit, has been unsuccessful in trying to
invalidate the adoption in the lower courts and his case is pending with
the Utah Supreme Court. "I wouldn't wish this on anyone," he said.
Larry
Jenkins, the lawyer for the adoptive parents in Mr. Strickland's
lawsuit to invalidate the adoption, didn't respond to requests for
comment. In court papers, Mr. Jenkins said Mr. Strickland ignored advice
to take certain steps to protect his rights. "By statute, Strickland
had the responsibility to protect his own rights. He must bear the
burden of his failure."
A lawyer who
represented the biological mother shortly after the adoption declined to
comment. But in court papers filed in 2011, the lawyer argued that Mr.
Strickland "was fully aware of the pregnancy and discussed with [the
mother] her desire to place the child for adoption," and that Mr.
Strickland acknowledged that he knew of his legal obligations but failed
to follow through.
As recently as the
1970s, states afforded fathers relatively few rights in regard to
children conceived out of wedlock. Over time, legislatures softened
their positions and allowed unwed fathers more say over their children.
Utah didn't follow the trend, and in recent years has made the laws even less forgiving for fathers, say legal experts.
Wes Hutchins,
the lawyer representing the 12 men, said Utah's courts have been
slow to address the problems, part of the reason he turned to the
federal courts to declare key sections of the state's adoption laws
unconstitutional. "Utah has focused so intensely on 'finality and
stability' with its adoption laws that it's lost sight of what's in the
best interest of the children in many of these cases," he said.
Todd Weiler,
a Republican state senator from Woods Cross who largely supports
Utah's adoption laws, said, "As a policy matter, the state has taken the
position that we want adoptions to happen easily and quickly—and the
vast majority of adoptions of Utah do." Mr. Weiler said that of all the
adoptions processed in the state every year, "only a minuscule number
have problems," and that the state's courts do a good job of clamping
down on abuses.
A number of lawsuits in
recent years have involved mothers who travel to Utah to take advantage
of Utah's adoption-friendly laws. Under Utah law, an out-of-state
mother can put a child up for adoption in Utah without explicitly
telling a father she's doing so.
"The
law is just riddled with traps for fathers," said
Scott Wiser,
a family lawyer in Salt Lake City who has represented fathers in
paternity and other actions. "But for out-of-state fathers, Utah can be
brutal."
By: Ashby Jones Source: Wall Street Journal
Homestudy Being Reviewed
Our homestudy has made the 750+ mile trek from our agency to our clinic to the reviewer. Thank goodness, in the digital age that can mean only a matter of minutes.
I am unsure what exactly is being reviewed, but hopefully everything that needs to be in there will be found. Then, the next step will be getting some profiles!
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Adoption, Commodification and Normalcy [repost]
Adoption, Commodification and Normalcy [repost]
"Maybe I missed it in earlier issues of the country's largest and oldest magazine on adoption, Adoptive Families, but the ads in the latest issue, Winter 2014, show the definitive commodification of adoption in the U.S.. Similac pays for a full-page ad in an issue with an article on breastfeeding without birthing and offers its specific product, "Similac for Supplementation." Then there are two full-page ads for businesses that deal with embryo adoption: "Embryos available now to start your family," exclaims AER. And the company with the smart name, "Building Blocks to Baby Steps," uses its page to take a swipe at the usual providers of babies, the presumed unhealthy birth mothers: "Embryo adoption is usually quicker and less expensive than traditional adoption with the added bonus of the mom-to-be having control over the pre-natal environment, raising the chances of delivering a healthy baby." And then a bank -- a Christian bank -- offers "Adoption Loans" with rates as low as 8.65 APR. Again, an implicit swipe to the God-forgotten birth moms. It quotes a customer: 'Without this loan, God's plan for our lives and the life of our child would not be possible." Bored already with the quotes? Please wait for this last one, the most expensive, presumably, because it enhances the back cover of the magazine. The ad is from a company called Adoptimist, who promises: "We build effective adoption profiles and marketing campaigns for families hoping to adopt." And they have "marketing plans for every budget." Market yourself to the first mothers and families in competition with other parents to get your baby? What are these people thinking? And what is Adoptive Families thinking?
In the Winter issue there are many more ads: Half and quarter pages from less affluent adoption businesses like agencies and adoption professionals. The magazine allows the following smaller ads: "Children are waiting for you," they say; or they express messages along the lines of 'We deliver right from the hospital, fresh from somebody else's womb in a third world country through surrogacy, from the Philippines, Poland, from Colombia, and so on.' Taken together, they make adoption -- "real body" or embryo adoption with or without a "gestational carrier" (sic) -- look like as just other ways to build a family.
It must be said that the contents of Adoptive Families gives a somewhat less commercial, more realistic image of what adoption is. There are articles on language disabilities in adopted kids, about race and racism in transracial adoptions, some interesting personal stories and there is a book list which contains "real" titles like Cris Beam's To the End of June on our failing foster care system and Kathryn Joyce's investigation in the corrupt world of international adoption. But in the end, the magazine exudes the same message at its ads, and the commodification shows in its contents. In this issue, there is a chart like you can find in car magazines of the costs of adoption and timing involved per country.
There is one small ad that leads away from the adoptive family as a 'normal-family-in-a-normal-commercial-context' narrative. The ad is for Cono Christian School, a boarding school in Iowa. It offers support for children and families "struggling after adoption, divorce, remarriage." Here we get a look into the troubles that can come with adoption: traumatized kids out of control who need to be brought back to "normal" life.
Adoption is not a normal way to build a family. It is a complicated way, which next to happiness for adoptive parents brings sorrow and sadness for all involved. To part from your child in whatever situation you may be in is traumatizing. To be parted from your parents, whoever they may be, is traumatizing. To create a family with a child who is traumatized by her or his adoption is a tough call, because trauma can be contagious, and triggers unresolved trauma in the adoptive parents.
The push for normalcy that Adoptive Families -- or the larger adoption industry, for that matter -- displays does an enormous disservice to the adoption community, to the kids, to the first parents and to the adoptive parents. That normalcy prohibits thinking about adoption in terms of adoption itself and those terms are all about difference. My kids are Black and I am white. I, being gay, have a biological mother, who cared for me from day one. They have a first mother, who they seldom see. I have one set of parents and they have two. They have the traumatic experience of abandonment, which I don't have. They are the exception in almost every crowd, while I am the norm. They are displaced from a foreign world, while I stayed home. They are poor, and I am rich. And so the list goes on. A similar list can be made for the differences between first parents and me, where class difference might be the most prominent.
Normalcy is an unhealthy place for adopted kids. We have to raise our kids in profound understanding and authentic celebration of their difference. Those who want to raise their kids as "normal" kids and try to conform them to their own image just shouldn't adopt. Those who go the path of difference should be trained in an adequate manner before they bring their child home and should get comprehensive support after the adoption. There is nothing "normal" about adoption: For me, that is the greatest gift my kids have given me. I hope I am strong enough to reciprocate."
by Frank Ligtvoet
Source: Huffington Post
I really enjoyed this article and agree with its overall premise. It's unfortunate that adoption has turned into such a money-making arena. I think money needs to be exchanged to ensure children are protected, birthfamilies are well-informed and have the support they need, and everything is legally binding through the court, but it doesn't take $30,000+ to do that. Commercialization of the adoption realm has its place in some aspects, but when people are making a very comfortable living off a family's infertility and another's unintended pregnancy, that's sad. It's sad that adoptive families become in competition with each other. It's sad when unethical agencies siphon money from broken couples. It's sad that some races of babies are "worth" more than others.
"Maybe I missed it in earlier issues of the country's largest and oldest magazine on adoption, Adoptive Families, but the ads in the latest issue, Winter 2014, show the definitive commodification of adoption in the U.S.. Similac pays for a full-page ad in an issue with an article on breastfeeding without birthing and offers its specific product, "Similac for Supplementation." Then there are two full-page ads for businesses that deal with embryo adoption: "Embryos available now to start your family," exclaims AER. And the company with the smart name, "Building Blocks to Baby Steps," uses its page to take a swipe at the usual providers of babies, the presumed unhealthy birth mothers: "Embryo adoption is usually quicker and less expensive than traditional adoption with the added bonus of the mom-to-be having control over the pre-natal environment, raising the chances of delivering a healthy baby." And then a bank -- a Christian bank -- offers "Adoption Loans" with rates as low as 8.65 APR. Again, an implicit swipe to the God-forgotten birth moms. It quotes a customer: 'Without this loan, God's plan for our lives and the life of our child would not be possible." Bored already with the quotes? Please wait for this last one, the most expensive, presumably, because it enhances the back cover of the magazine. The ad is from a company called Adoptimist, who promises: "We build effective adoption profiles and marketing campaigns for families hoping to adopt." And they have "marketing plans for every budget." Market yourself to the first mothers and families in competition with other parents to get your baby? What are these people thinking? And what is Adoptive Families thinking?
In the Winter issue there are many more ads: Half and quarter pages from less affluent adoption businesses like agencies and adoption professionals. The magazine allows the following smaller ads: "Children are waiting for you," they say; or they express messages along the lines of 'We deliver right from the hospital, fresh from somebody else's womb in a third world country through surrogacy, from the Philippines, Poland, from Colombia, and so on.' Taken together, they make adoption -- "real body" or embryo adoption with or without a "gestational carrier" (sic) -- look like as just other ways to build a family.
It must be said that the contents of Adoptive Families gives a somewhat less commercial, more realistic image of what adoption is. There are articles on language disabilities in adopted kids, about race and racism in transracial adoptions, some interesting personal stories and there is a book list which contains "real" titles like Cris Beam's To the End of June on our failing foster care system and Kathryn Joyce's investigation in the corrupt world of international adoption. But in the end, the magazine exudes the same message at its ads, and the commodification shows in its contents. In this issue, there is a chart like you can find in car magazines of the costs of adoption and timing involved per country.
There is one small ad that leads away from the adoptive family as a 'normal-family-in-a-normal-commercial-context' narrative. The ad is for Cono Christian School, a boarding school in Iowa. It offers support for children and families "struggling after adoption, divorce, remarriage." Here we get a look into the troubles that can come with adoption: traumatized kids out of control who need to be brought back to "normal" life.
Adoption is not a normal way to build a family. It is a complicated way, which next to happiness for adoptive parents brings sorrow and sadness for all involved. To part from your child in whatever situation you may be in is traumatizing. To be parted from your parents, whoever they may be, is traumatizing. To create a family with a child who is traumatized by her or his adoption is a tough call, because trauma can be contagious, and triggers unresolved trauma in the adoptive parents.
The push for normalcy that Adoptive Families -- or the larger adoption industry, for that matter -- displays does an enormous disservice to the adoption community, to the kids, to the first parents and to the adoptive parents. That normalcy prohibits thinking about adoption in terms of adoption itself and those terms are all about difference. My kids are Black and I am white. I, being gay, have a biological mother, who cared for me from day one. They have a first mother, who they seldom see. I have one set of parents and they have two. They have the traumatic experience of abandonment, which I don't have. They are the exception in almost every crowd, while I am the norm. They are displaced from a foreign world, while I stayed home. They are poor, and I am rich. And so the list goes on. A similar list can be made for the differences between first parents and me, where class difference might be the most prominent.
Normalcy is an unhealthy place for adopted kids. We have to raise our kids in profound understanding and authentic celebration of their difference. Those who want to raise their kids as "normal" kids and try to conform them to their own image just shouldn't adopt. Those who go the path of difference should be trained in an adequate manner before they bring their child home and should get comprehensive support after the adoption. There is nothing "normal" about adoption: For me, that is the greatest gift my kids have given me. I hope I am strong enough to reciprocate."
by Frank Ligtvoet
Source: Huffington Post
I really enjoyed this article and agree with its overall premise. It's unfortunate that adoption has turned into such a money-making arena. I think money needs to be exchanged to ensure children are protected, birthfamilies are well-informed and have the support they need, and everything is legally binding through the court, but it doesn't take $30,000+ to do that. Commercialization of the adoption realm has its place in some aspects, but when people are making a very comfortable living off a family's infertility and another's unintended pregnancy, that's sad. It's sad that adoptive families become in competition with each other. It's sad when unethical agencies siphon money from broken couples. It's sad that some races of babies are "worth" more than others.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Health and Self-Care While Waiting
I'm in yet another waiting phase... waiting to hear that our homestudy has been sent, waiting to hear it has been reviewed/approved, waiting for packets of potential embryos, waiting to hear if the genetic family(ies) approve of us, waiting for a hopeful mid-May transfer.
I have really tried to focus on my health the past few years. After college, I worked in a very stressful, thankless, and demanding job in foster care. I grew really unhealthy. I let the stress get the better of me. I gained 30 pounds, had no energy, and felt sad and helpless much of the time. Once I left that job to go back to school, I realized that I can't let stress do that to me ever again. I started eating healthier, started exercising more, and lost half of the weight. (I've also learned about setting boundaries in my work life, which has helped tremendously).
The wait, especially now that it is a dual wait of infant adoption and embryo adoption, is very stressful. Type-A planner, organizer, tending to be obsessive me doesn't know how and when I will become a parent. There's the financial stress. And now the stress of medical procedures.
I am determined to continue self-care through the wait. I don't want to be an unhealthy, lethargic, and sad parent by the time something works out. I don't want that for myself in the meantime, either. I want to share a few areas of health and self-care that have been helpful for me to focus on.
1. My faith
My faith is the biggest source of strength I have. Being apart of a vibrant church, reading the Bible or any religious texts, prayer, listening to music with a focus on faith... all help me stay focused on what really matters and remember the source of all my sustenance.
2. Exercise
My niches are walking and pilates. To help save money, we cancelled our gym membership. That makes exercising in this cold weather a bit tricky, but I try to walk at the park days where it is at least sunny and then just bundle up. I am signed up for a half-marathon coming up, so it helps with my motivation level. I had a back injury in December which was chalked up by the physical therapist to me slacking off my pilates/a weak core, so I am back to doing pilates 4-5 nights a week, and I feel great! I currently do mat pilates but recently got some bands to try some resistance to mix things up.
3. Diet
Not going on a "diet" (although I am a part of a team weight loss challenge at work right now, so I am trying to pull my weight, so to speak). I grew up being fed a fairly healthy diet, so I definitely have a palate for fruits, veggies, and whole grains. My problem is the planning and energy to prepare good lunches and dinners in advance. I am making an effort to keep my pantry stocked with greek yogurt, cheese, almonds, fruits and veggies, and protein bars so it will make healthy choices easier.
4. Support
Everyone has varying comfort levels in their sharing. Luckily, our families are behind us and we are comfortable sharing with our friends and coworkers, too. I'm connected with some really knowledgeable and caring ladies on a private online group. Being open is the right decision for us. Whether it is from your loved ones, a support group in person or online, or a therapist, it is important to have affirmation and support.
I have really tried to focus on my health the past few years. After college, I worked in a very stressful, thankless, and demanding job in foster care. I grew really unhealthy. I let the stress get the better of me. I gained 30 pounds, had no energy, and felt sad and helpless much of the time. Once I left that job to go back to school, I realized that I can't let stress do that to me ever again. I started eating healthier, started exercising more, and lost half of the weight. (I've also learned about setting boundaries in my work life, which has helped tremendously).
The wait, especially now that it is a dual wait of infant adoption and embryo adoption, is very stressful. Type-A planner, organizer, tending to be obsessive me doesn't know how and when I will become a parent. There's the financial stress. And now the stress of medical procedures.
I am determined to continue self-care through the wait. I don't want to be an unhealthy, lethargic, and sad parent by the time something works out. I don't want that for myself in the meantime, either. I want to share a few areas of health and self-care that have been helpful for me to focus on.
1. My faith
My faith is the biggest source of strength I have. Being apart of a vibrant church, reading the Bible or any religious texts, prayer, listening to music with a focus on faith... all help me stay focused on what really matters and remember the source of all my sustenance.
2. Exercise
My niches are walking and pilates. To help save money, we cancelled our gym membership. That makes exercising in this cold weather a bit tricky, but I try to walk at the park days where it is at least sunny and then just bundle up. I am signed up for a half-marathon coming up, so it helps with my motivation level. I had a back injury in December which was chalked up by the physical therapist to me slacking off my pilates/a weak core, so I am back to doing pilates 4-5 nights a week, and I feel great! I currently do mat pilates but recently got some bands to try some resistance to mix things up.
3. Diet
Not going on a "diet" (although I am a part of a team weight loss challenge at work right now, so I am trying to pull my weight, so to speak). I grew up being fed a fairly healthy diet, so I definitely have a palate for fruits, veggies, and whole grains. My problem is the planning and energy to prepare good lunches and dinners in advance. I am making an effort to keep my pantry stocked with greek yogurt, cheese, almonds, fruits and veggies, and protein bars so it will make healthy choices easier.
4. Support
Everyone has varying comfort levels in their sharing. Luckily, our families are behind us and we are comfortable sharing with our friends and coworkers, too. I'm connected with some really knowledgeable and caring ladies on a private online group. Being open is the right decision for us. Whether it is from your loved ones, a support group in person or online, or a therapist, it is important to have affirmation and support.
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| It's not always easy to keep a positive mind set, but working on what I can control right now sure helps! |
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Yikes
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I got my medication in the mail today. More e.strace, a l.upron injection kit, progesterone in oil (PIO) and tons of needles, and a v.alium for the procedure.
All I can say is... yikes!!!!
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