Helping

I'm happy for myself, of course. Blessed beyond measure.

My heart is slowly healing from the pain of the last few years. My heart will never be the same, but I have peace and contentment. Words just can't describe the drastic change in me that seemingly came out of nowhere.

But...

I wish everyone I cared about could be in the same place of expectation as me.

My heart is truly heavy for a few friends... those who have had failed transfers at NEDC and failed IVFs on their own and failed IUIs and unsuccessful months trying to conceive on their own and are just starting out with a fertility clinic.

I guess in hindsight I was waiting, and I really do believe the waiting and barriers led me to where I am supposed to be. To this baby I am having, God willing, in two-ish months. So the timing was for a reason. But the point is- I am here (parenthood), or almost, anyway.

I'm speaking tonight at a local adoption support group about embryo adoption.  I hope I can bring hope and another option to families who are right where I was two years ago. Sitting in a stiff chair at an agency led meeting wondering when "our time" would ever come.

I just want to help other people. I guess one of the best ways I can support other people is to provide education on this option. Embryo adoption might not be for everyone, but it was the answer for us, and I'm sure it's the answer for other people who have no clue about it or how it works.

Resolve to Know... You Are Not Alone

 

National Infertility Awareness Week is coming to an end. The theme this year is that, if you are going through infertility, you are not alone. 1 in 8 couples have gone or will go through it. 

My path of infertility is different than the average path. Like I've mentioned here multiple times, I didn't have the month after month of a negative pregnancy test and wondering "what's wrong".  I don't believe that negates my experience, though. I have PCOS and have had limited opportunities to become a parent, all very high stakes emotionally and financially. I sat on the sidelines while dozens of people around me became parents. I've felt the isolation. I've had "the questions and comments", mostly unintentional, but felt the sting nonetheless.

Maybe other than my faith, nothing else in this process has held me up more than the support of people around me. I've chosen to be open with the people in my life about each step, so while I've had times of feeling overwhelmed at the gravity of that fact, I've also been love and supported. I've had cards and flowers and hugs and prayers.

What has really shaped my experience, though, is being apart of a group of people going through exactly what I am, an embryo adoption support group. I have made friends for life. People who can share experiences for such unique challenges like navigating openness and medication protocols and how to tell a child their story and selecting embryos to match with and scary bleeds. People to celebrate victories and truly understand pain of loss. A safe place. An online network to instantaneously connect with "cycle buddies". 

And the great blessing of being apart of a clinic that has transfers lumped together in cycle weeks. I've been able to meet at least ten other couples "in real life". This searing, painful process brings together perfect strangers from across the country to sit at a table, share a meal, and engage in deep and meaningful conversation. You can't explain the instant connection to a stranger unless you experience it. What has torn apart hearts brings hearts together. We get each other!

I've sent cards and leftover pregnancy tests and medication to these friends and rejoiced as they've seen ultrasounds and given birth. I've had a digital pregnancy test sent to me to bring the same joy along with cards and handmade gifts and a shirt to help me embrace my pregnancy and a M.oby wrap so I can get ready for our little one. It's really beautiful to give and receive support.

So if you're feeling alone as you wait to have a family, you're not alone in those feelings! You're not weird and shouldn't feel ashamed for the pain and loneliness and longing. There is hope out there, and you don't have be be by yourself in getting to that place. Open up as you feel comfortable, whether it is to people in your life, to an in-person support group, or even online. It's scary to be so vulnerable, but I have had no regrets. 

In closing, I want to share recent gifts I received from an online friend I've been lucky enough to meet over dinner. She made our baby the sweetest outfits and burp clothes, personalized with his name (his first personalized/monogrammed gifts!) and, of course, a snowflake. We actually "met" twice, both connecting through a Facebook group then in exchanging emails through our adoption agency. She has provided so much wisdom to me and has helped shape our decisions for our son up to this point. I can't wait to see him, put him in his snowflake onesie, and start telling him about his very special journey to get to us! If I had to go down a long path to get to a family, I have to say I am glad it was this one because my heart and life is so very enriched and full!

I Can't Believe It

I wouldn't believe some of the stuff I blog about, had it not happened to me. The immense struggle of 4 ultrasounds in 18 days: lost a twin but the other baby is okay, the other baby won't make it, the other baby has a heartbeat and may make it, the other baby lost its heartbeat and is dead. The unbelievable luck to have 2 d&c's in 5 days. Issues with my insurance company that I haven't even mentioned here (greedy scoundrels).

But incredible things have happened, too. Three families we've never even met have gifted us with precious embryos. People came together and, through this blog, donated money for the kinship adoption of a close family friend of mine. I work in a small, close-knit environment and, last year for my birthday, my coworkers secretly gathered money for our adoption. Someone anonymously paid for our hotel for our first transfer, unknown to us til we checked out and expected to get a bill.

So there are all these horrible forces out there, causing death and suffering and greed. But there are also people who chose to give sacrificially to bless others

With that said, the other night, D and I went to a benefit dinner his work was hosting. Music performed by various employees and a silent auction for a local family in need. Since I am blogging about the benefit, I am sure you can guess where this is going.

Posted at the door

Some of the music for the night

The pub was packed shoulder to shoulder. Everyone enjoyed refreshments and catching up, while they waited for the big reveal of just who this money was helping. Except every single person there- except us- knew the benefit was for us (and had known for 1+ month- how this stayed a secret, I have no idea!).

At the moment of the big revel, ten members of both mine and D's extended family sheepishly and tearfully walked out. We were both in shock- and I think still are to some extent. His company had a wild goal to raise $2,000, and they nearly doubled that! So many people gave of their time, money, and talents so sacrificially. It's the most humbling experience to know so many people are there for you. And to receive money towards being able to have a family- there are really no words.

This huge and amazing blessing, and it really pushes us into this third transfer with not only peace that we will have funds for all the expenses that comes along with it but the knowledge that literally hundreds of people care about us and want this for us. And they're willing to put action to that love. Wow! I can't get over it!

"God Won't Give You More Than You Can Handle"

When someone is grieving, it's probably better to reach out even if you're not quite sure what to say (Well, there are some things better left unsaid, like "God needed an angel". But I'll digress..). Yes, it's awkward. It's uncomfortable. But infertility and miscarriage are more lonely than most types of loss. Even a simple "I'm sorry" or a hug or "I'm thinking of you" or a uplifting card can mean a ton.

Not to get on the negativity train, but my Bible doesn't say "God will never give you more than you can handle". No, I am not picking on anyone specific. Thank you to everyone who has loved me through this! I don't want to hurt feelings or put anyone down, I really don't. But this is such a common, trite, (unbiblical) phrase, and I read a really good article about this subject:

Recently, I was going back through my journals and I read words I had written years before: “God, I can’t handle this anymore. I don’t know what to do, but I can’t do this.”

The circumstances in my life had become overwhelming, everything was crumbling, and my world was falling apart.

To be honest, if someone had come alongside me at that point and tried to reassure me by saying, “God won’t give you more than you can handle,” I may have punched them square in the face.

That tired, old phrase often sounds more like a taunt than a comfort. When we are down and out and feeling discouraged, hearing those words can cause us to feel like we are not measuring up. It causes us to ask, “If I am supposed to handle this, then why can’t I handle it?”

The truth is, God never said He wouldn’t give you more than you can handle. There will be times in life when you will feel like you are drowning and there is no one to help you.

The words that are meant for encouragement can often serve to only create discouragement. Worse yet, this phrase can tempt us to ignore our suffering and pretend it’s not there. It can lead us to believe the lie that we can do it ourselves; that we can handle it. Which raises the question, “If we can handle anything that comes our way, then why do we need God at all?”

We need to realize that sometimes we can’t make it on our own.

So, where did the phrase about God not giving us too much come from? To answer that question, we need to go back 2,000 years to a small church in the city of Corinth. The Apostle Paul wrote them a few letters, and in his first letter, he reminded them that all people are tempted and often choose to do the wrong thing. Paul’s warning is tied to the reality of temptation and sin that meets us everyday.
With his warning he also gave a promise. He wrote, “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it” (1 Corinthians 10:13). This is the verse that is so often misquoted.

With regard to temptation and sin, Paul pointed out that we always have a choice: engage in sin or run from it. The promise is that God will always provide a way for us to run from it.

Let’s be clear: Paul was talking about temptation, not suffering.

With temptation, we have a choice, but with suffering we often don’t have a choice.

A few months ago, I sat with a good friend who had just learned of his son’s terminal diagnosis. He wept and said, “I’d do anything to give my life for him.” It was one of the most powerless feelings I have ever experienced. All we could do was sit together and weep.

He did not choose this.

In moments like these we feel ground to dust. Rather than stand and proclaim that we can handle it, we should imitate Jesus.

The night before Jesus was executed, He cried out in the garden, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death” (Matthew 26:38). Jesus told His father, “This is too much for me!”
We see this kind of thing in the Psalms, too. The Psalmists ball their fists in rage, and shout at God, “Why have you forsaken me?” (Psalm 22) In their sadness they say, “darkness is my closest friend” (Psalm 88).

What these verses teach us is that it’s OK to feel like we can’t handle it, like we are going to give up. We can cry out, “My soul is overwhelmed to the point of death.” And when we do this, we find God—the one who, in the person of Jesus, suffers with us.

When we become aware that life will give us more than we can handle, we find a promise: God is faithful to meet us in the mess and in the pain.

When we become aware that life will give us more than we can handle and come to grips with this, we find a promise: God is faithful to meet us in the mess and in the pain.

And when He does, we learn to recognize our constant need to depend on Him. This is why Peter instructs the Church to cast our fears, worries, suffering and pain on God. He reasons we can do this because God cares for us. When life deals us more than we can handle, we can rest in the reality that God can handle it.

But, if we’re honest, even this can seem like a tired old phrase. Because when it really hurts, God can seem so far away. This is where you and I come in. We need each other to move ahead, and we need far more than tired old phrases.

In times when life becomes unmanageable, we need to be willing to walk alongside one another. When we do this, we put flesh and bone on the person of Jesus. We can be with one another in the midst of suffering, helping each other carry the weight. Which means, that we, as the Body of Christ, have an opportunity.

When we are willing to sit in the pain, to walk with one another when life’s path is difficult and to shoulder one another’s burdens when they are too heavy, we become an embodied promise. We become living proof that while life can sometimes be too much, through the goodness of our loving of God displayed within us, we can move forward together (emphasis is mine).

Source: Relevant Magazine  - Michael Hildago

Honoring Our Embryos, Part II

 

 The embryos are loved and missed in their very short lives. I wanted to share some of the things that have been done to honor their memory. My aunt sent a delicious box of chocolate dipped fruit. My dear friend sent a gorgeous flower arrangement (hydrangeas- my favorite!). My mom took me to the d&c very bright and early and took care of me all day since D has already missed so much work. She got me lunch including a tasty Panera pastry and got my medication filled for me (had to go to 2 pharmacies in two cities to accomplish this). She stayed with me until D got home. My sister has visited twice and gave me very special tiny blankets for the embryos (see one in the shadowbox). Several others have texted, messaged, called, prayed, sent verses, and just checked in- which means a lot!

Here is the shadowbox I made. Originally I picked it up after the transfer because I knew, at a minimum, one had died during thawing so I'd need it. I accidentally got a larger size than last time but maybe it was a fruedian slip... I needed a larger one this time. The top pictures are the two embryos who survived the thaw up close as well as once they were transferred. The ultrasound pictures are both of Embryo C, who we lost last week. I never did get a picture of the empty sac of Embryo B with every visit to the RE being wild. The vials are from the three embryos. The blue lid was the two that were transferred and the pink lid was the one who died in thawing.

Refreshment

A soft sunset while we ate dinner

Carry each others' burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.
- Galatians 2:6 

We had a refreshing evening yesterday enjoying the company of my nephew (oh, and sister and brother in law, can't forget them). Splash pad, grilling out, and chairs circled around the fire pit. Roasted farm-fresh CSA veggies and smores and being led by the hand all around the yard by my nephew are good for the soul.

From the rising of the sun to its setting The name of the LORD is to be praised. - See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Sunsets#sthash.qQtOahfn.dpuf

From the rising of the sun to its setting The name of the LORD is to be praised. - See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Sunsets#sthash.qQtOahfn.dpuf

The Aftermath, Part 2

I can't explain how tired I am. I am physically and emotionally tired deep in my bones. Stress, sadness, hormonal drops, and just the grind of daily life suck everything out of me. I took a two hour nap yesterday evening and still slept most of the night.

Really the only hard part of the day was calling my local RE to cancel my second beta appointment. They are the ones that did the first one, so they should know I won't be needing it, but I knew it would still be on the books. Sure enough, it was. The lady asked if I needed to reschedule. I said, "No, sorry my first beta was negative". Talk about salt in the wound lady. You work at an RE. If someone is canceling a beta, I am sure they would ask to reschedule and not cancel if they had a reason to need to. Call me crazy, but it's not like that is a test that will just slip your mind! I digress.

Overall, my day went better than expected. As always, W.oody and J.im had me laughing out loud in my car on the way to work. I felt a migraine coming on, and guess what... I could have a 20 oz Diet Dr. Pepper, so I raided the Coke machine at work. As soon as I hit the unit, I ran til it was time to leave. And my coworkers love me and are more like friends and family than coworkers.

I continue to have a lot of support from loved ones. What helps the most is acknowledgement of the loss. [I hope this is not misinterpreted. I am sincerely appreciative of each person who has reached out to me.] Do I need to hear "Don't give up!"?... absolutely. But I would never make parenthood decisions based on someone else's opinion if I am the one who is going through the pain/work. I am a strong-willed (or maybe stubborn) person.

What helps me the most is the acknowledgement that we lost the embryos. They're more than some cells for me... we went through so much to be able to adopt them and to lose them is to lose the possibility of a child. To my core, I don't care whether they are my DNA or not. They were my potential kids. What's lost of more than not being able to have a cute baby but the possibility of attending field day and getting a report card and having summer break plans and sports games and graduation. A future embryo may become that- I don't know- but I do know the sun sets every day and we really don't know how or if we will be parents. That I know.

An Anonymous Blessing

Someone anonymously paid for our hotel room for the transfer. Thank you to whoever you are. That was an unexpected surprise and means a lot to us! You sure are sneaky, too, because we have no clue who it could be. :)

Supporting the Waiting Adoptive Family

"Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ. If you think you are too important to help someone, you are only fooling yourself. You are not that important"- Galatians 6:2-3


People come to adoption from different paths and backgrounds. Some families feel a "call" to add to their family through adoption. Others come to adoption after struggling with infertility. Sometimes, the path is a combination of the two. Regardless, adoption is not an easy process. All waiting adoptive families need support and understanding of those around them. 

1. Meet people where they are.
 This probably applies more for families adopting after infertility. Don't shy away from supporting someone who has dealt with infertility, but don't overstep the boundaries they set, either. People have varying amounts of comfort levels of talking about their history and where they are in the process. Don't pry, but if someone confides in you, take their lead in the conversation.

Something anyone can do to help themselves meet people where they are is to educate themselves about infertility. It's a medical condition. It is sometimes caused within the woman's body, or man's body, or both, or can even be unexplained. It shouldn't be embarrassing. 1 in 8 couples experience it.

2. Mind your manners.
I have already talked about some of the rude things people say, but please, whatever you do, do not ask anyone when they are starting a family. It's none of your business, unless they bring it up. The only time you should ask this question is of your own partner. 

Once you've established that boundary, learn some other infertility etiquette. The person in the middle of infertility needs support, not unsolicited advice or trite religious catchphrases.

3. Move!
Any waiting adoptive family goes through emotional and financial pressure. Finding the right agency can be difficult. Homestudies are tedious and time intensive. And the waiting for the child... it's not easy! 

Do something, anything, to support the waiting adoptive family. Whether you pray for them, send a card, give any practical gift to show you care and they aren't alone (flowers, a meal), coordinate a fundraiser. Ask for updates (if they are comfortable), and LISTEN. You don't have to necessarily say a lot (see #2- support is not unsolicited advice or trite religious catchphrases). To me, sharing a burden means saying, "Yes, it sucks what you are going through! I agree with that" vs. saying "It will be worth it in the end".

I have saved all the notes and cards I've gotten during this process (I will put them in a baby book, one day). I appreciate friends, family, and co-workers checking in throughout the process, just to ask if there are any updates (note: that may be too hard for some people to get too many questions- when in doubt, instead of assuming it is too hard and just never asking, just ask how you can best be supportive!). 

I have a whole board on Pinterest devoted to ideas on this topic. 

Thoughtful flowers can be supportive!

Just Because Someone...

8 things to stop saying to your adoptive friends (repost)

I recently read a great post on rude things people say to adopting families along with suggestions on how to approach questions and things you wonder about an adoptive family. You can read it here.

Work Family

Today was the 6th month mark of waiting since we've been homestudy approved, but it also happens to be my birthday. My very supportive, caring, and generous co-workers secretly collected a donation for our adoption fund... $422!!!! This was an unexpected blessing, and it was very encouraging to know that even though we're still waiting, we are not waiting alone!