Perspectives

Embryo adoption was on the front page of the New York Times this week! Like much of the recent coverage, it discussed a Tennessee family who may have connected in an unorthodox way, but it works well for them. Overall, the article did a great job explaining the concept and talking about options. I always tell myself to not read new article comment sections because they tend to be ignorant- no matter the topic. But it's like a train wreck, and I just can't help myself.

So much of the misunderstanding, I think, stems from the fact that people don't understand how IVF works. No one sets out to create remaining/extra embryos. People who are at the point of IVF have exhausted every other means to create a family. There is no way to predict how the body will respond to the medication. You may retrieve no eggs, three eggs, or twenty eggs. There is no way to predict how the eggs will fertilize. You may have three eggs that all fertilize into embryos, or you may have twenty eggs none of which fertilize into embryos. IVF is almost exclusively paid for out of pocket, too. It's an imperfect situation, and embryo adoption allows grace for every party involved- donors, recipients, and the child.

It really aggravates me when people judge someone for using embryo adoption because they "should" be adopting a child that already exists. Like the child that hiccups and kicks in my stomach isn't real. He didn't have a right to exist beyond the freezer? And like there is an adoption store on the corner where you "just" adopt. We couldn't adopt from most countries due to medical restrictions. We tried foster care and domestic infant adoption. Guess what- no child came to our home. And really, none of this "should" matter, anyway. For all the people who are so concerned with kids around the world without a family, why aren't they stepping in? Why is it only the responsibility of people with infertility to care for them?

Then, a New York Times selected comment talks out of their butt, with no research at all, about how could the kids possibly be healthy if they were frozen for so long... "how long--let's get real--do frozen embryos remain 'fresh' enough to make healthy, normal kids"? Them comment ends with a flippant statement that the babies born, or "survivors" of a "medical experiment" must do so at a "great expense" with "negative long term health effects".

Many more of the comments are pro life vs. pro choice. Understandable given the topic, and everyone has their own opinion on that. The most "liked" comment for the entire article starts with, "These embryos are no more "children" than an acorn tossed on a compost heap is giant oak tree". Whatever. Agree to fundamentally disagree. I am surprised, though, how many comments talk about overpopulation of the world. I guess people who can conceive naturally have a right to do so, but not those who need some extra help.

I try my hardest to remember that huge media coverage like this normalizes something near and dear to me. It is a positive thing. And I try not to fixate on ignorance. I wish I could educate everyone, but I can't. I know embryo adoption is a blessing. I wish more people who could see it the same way.

Uncle Sam and Embryo Adoption

In case anyone doing embryo adoption (or any other medical treatment) is interested, I wanted to share our experience of itemizing for our taxes. I am NOT by any means a professional, but maybe this can point you in the right direction. 

-We used Turbo.Tax, as we always do. No problems. We did pay $45 for audit protection since we've never itemized before, just incase. The program did speculate that we have a low chance of being audited. 

-Our standard deduction was around $12.5k (married filing jointly). To claim medical, our total deductions (for us things like mortgage and student loan interest, in addition to medical) had to be more than that. We could claim any medical over 10% of our AGI. Once we added up all our medical and subtracted 10% of AGI, we had around $16k. So, it was worth it for us. 

-We tracked medical expenses on a spreadsheet by date and included date, provider name, which one of us it was for, amount, and mileage to appointment (if applicable). As it turns out, Turbo Tax asks for it by category (facility, provider, pharmacy, lab, etc), so we had to divide the spreadsheet up by category. 

-We were not able to claim premiums paid on insurance since our coverage is employer based. My understanding is if you have a private policy, you may be able to. 

-We were able to claim hotels for transfer trips (IRS limited to $50/night) as well as food when we were out of town. 

-We wanted proof of payment in case of audit. For our major services we had throughout the year, we called providers and asked for statements of 2014. It was surprisingly easy. W.algreens required us to show ID and come in person. Everyone else faxed or mailed with minimum hassle. 

-We did not claim anything adoption related such as homestudy or ODAs (open donor agreement). There were random things we found we could claim such as pregnancy tests.

I Don't See the Problem

Embryo adoption has been in the news again. A Tennessee family used social media to help expedite the placement of their embryos with an adoptive family. I shouldn't ever read news story comments because they never cease to infuriate me. The personal nature of the story makes me even more upset.

The general public apparently doesn't support (understand?) embryo adoption, especially if it's open. Comments on some of the stories included that the family's choice to pursue a recipient family was a "freakshow", a "hot mess", and "a tragedy waiting to happen with any stipulations [an open relationship]" and that it was best for the frozen embryos to be "dumped".

I was further disappointed to see the lack of research by the multiple journalists who covered the story. One story referenced that there didn't appear to be anything [legally] "wrong" with embryo adoption. Hello, Tennessee specifically has a law that discusses embryo adoption making it very much a legal process with clear parameters. Another story interviewed an RE (reproductive endocrinologist) who does not specifically work often with embryo adoption- especially those that are open- who said that "there's a lot of room for there to be problems". Thanks for the vote of confidence. A third story discussed what the psychological impact would be on the adopted embryo children... "What will the adopted children think about their biological parents?"

Obviously yes, there are ethical issues with IVF itself and with using donor "parts" in this procedure. Does that mean the children will grow up poorly adjusted? Will they hate their biological parents for deciding to place them for adoption as embryos? Will they love their adoptive parents less?

Embryo adoption may be a relatively new phenomenon, but adoption is not. Answer those questions for a traditionally adopted child. Some resent their past. Some were not raised in a home of positive regard. Some were caused to feel shame due to the secretive nature of their past. But research shows that the majority of individuals who were adopted do not have persistent, pervasive problems due to their history, especially when they understand their story from a young age and it is normalized rather than shamed.

We chose this path because we didn't want our child to grow up with a 50% chance of physical pain and disability. We didn't want our child to go through surgeries and injuries. However, we very mindfully chose the things we did in this path as to cause our child the very least emotional pain as possible. We have thought long and hard- for over three years- to get to this point and if we had any indication our child would have pervasive problems, we would have just never brought a child into the world.

We fully expect our child to have questions as they grow up, and we will be honest with them. Embryo adoption allowed us to have a child. Our donors loved them enough to place them with us and loved us enough (sight unseen) to give us this blessing. Luckily with the situation we are in, our child will be able to ask questions of the donors, too, if they wish. They can know their roots, and their roots can know them.

I don't see the problem.

In a perfect world, our donors never would have needed to use IVF for a pregnancy and there never would have been remaining embryos. In a perfect world, D and I could procreate and have healthy child. But this is a broken, fallen world. In the midst of this pain, we are experiencing redemption. We fiercely love our child. Our family is not a freakshow. I will certainly do all I can to ensure tragedy never befalls my family.

What Worked

Because I enjoy reading such lists in other blogs, here is a list of what I did and didn't do this (successful, so far) cycle:

I did this:
-Matched with new embryos- these were high quality blasts from a well-known clinic (all per my embryologist) [We did not do this simply to increase success- we had no more embryos from Family A and although we did have two multicells with Family C, after reviewing many multicell profiles, there was not another match we felt comfortable with. However, we did want to try blasts since it was our third and potentially last transfer.]

-Did a uterine biopsy/scraping/sratching (Biopsy is performed by monitoring clinic right around when I started my period just prior to building my lining- I did not request any results, just the mechanism of removing the tissue in my uterus.)

-Drank POM every day while building my lining (After doing three cycle of this, I am not convinced it helps at all but since it's relatively inexpensive, I did it the third time, as well.)

-Took vaginal e.strace (This is per my doctor- a lot of people build better linings than mine without it... but if yours is low, it's worth looking into.)

-Walking (My lining was the best the cycle I had just done a half marathon so I'm convinced this does help. I didn't walk a ton but tried to walk a mile at least a few times a week.)

-Took extra Vitamin D (I got my levels tested before this cycle -  I was on the low end of normal, so I started taking 1000 IU D3 soft gel each day in addition to the Vitamin D in my multivitamin.)

-Watch my diet (Trying to eat semi-organic, full fat dairy, lots of folate, avoiding too much sugar/inflammation potential, more monounsaturated fats- kettle chips, avocados).


I didn't do this:
-Raspberries (I don't think it helped, and it was just too annoying to keep up with.)

-Red raspberry leaf tea (I don't like tea, and I was sick of forcing myself to drink it.)

-Meditation mp3s (I ordered some from Circle+.Bloom and did them periodically the first two cycles but like the raspberries, it was just too much to keep up with).

Give Thanks

I am thankful for God's love and mercy. I don't have to be good enough on my own. I trust in Christ's salvation. Romans 4:7-8

I am thankful for my husband. For every time he leaves laundry on the floor, he sends me a text to tell me he loves me. He has patience with my anxiety. He gives me the freedom to be myself. His relaxation balances my neurosis. He's a hard worker.

I am thankful for my family, friends, and church family. I'm very loved. And I love being "Aunt Say".

I am thankful for my job. As much pressure and frustration I feel at work sometimes, I have flexibility. I can give back to my community. My coworkers provide laughs and a place to vent.

I am thankful for the beauty in my life. Cards, smiles, sunsets, Mexican food, music, being able to walk a half marathon through a gorgeous city, being able to experience with birth of another nephew. This year has been painful, but it's had beauty, too.

And then there's the fact that this year we've been gifted embryos. Families give such a huge gift through reading a profile about us. Tiny specks that hold a genetic footprint to a son or daughter. We are able to work with a nationally known, skilled physician and embryologist who provide experienced care (and happen to be mere hours from our house).

I've been blessed, and I am thankful for the gifts in my life.

Embryo Adoption Awareness Day

Today is the first annual Embryo Adoption Awareness Day. What can I say about embryo adoption? I hope it will finally be the answer to many prayers and make us parents. Well, it has made us parents already, parents of our embryos and of our miscarried baby, but hopefully we will have a child that sticks around.

A common phrase for people unable to have kids is to "just adopt". I know firsthand there is nothing "just" about adopting. I think different forms of adoption are right for different families, but there are so many benefits to embryo adoption. There are hundreds of thousands of waiting embryos, frozen and unable to grow without being transferred. I do not fault genetic parents for stopping at a certain point, and this provision can be a huge blessing to so many others.

When I first heard of embryo adoption, I thought it must be really expensive. I thought IVF costs PLUS adoption costs. Which is true to an extent, but in the majority of situations, it's much more affordable than an IVF cycle and many adoptive situations (fostercare aside). Granted, we've paid quite a bit, but many others are successful on the first transfer. Many people opt for closed situations or matching independently which are often more affordable. It would have been a much bigger emotional and financial gamble to do IVF with donor sperm- I struggled to produce good follicles with IUIs... then to go through a fresh IVF cycle to end up potentially only a couple embryos- or maybe even none?!? And of course our adoption struggles are documented here. International is unstable in many countries; there are a lot of unethical things happening; and we don't meet many qualifications, either. Foster care was not a good option for us. And DIA (domestic infant adoption)... crickets, disappointments, and we didn't even get to the point of scams or failed matches.

So yes, we've been on the embryo adoption journey nearly a year. We've suffered a miscarriage. I've endured three transfers and all the medicine that comes with it. Our bank account has dwindled. Our relationship has been pushed to the limits. But we've allowed 9 embryos to have a chance at life, and I believe they're in heaven right now. They're not alone and stuck in a freezer. Their genetic families can have closure, too. And we still have two more inside me, results to be seen. I've been supported by people who began as strangers and have grown into friends. People from all over the country who understand my struggles and vice versa. We've had an outpouring of support from those in our lives- family, friends, coworkers, church family.

Embryo adoption has blessed my family, and I pray the journey's capstone will arrive soon!

Embryo Adoption in the News

This week has brought much publicity to embryo adoption (EA). First, there was a story in the New York Times. Then, a series of interviews on People.com and a Good Morning America segment with a fellow EA mom, Liz, who means so very much to me who has supported me and provided encouragement like you wouldn't believe (she founded the support group I'm apart of). Then, a local news story of a fellow EA family who transferred at my clinic the day after I did. Then, another story with a fellow EA mom in my support group. Google news shows several other stories, as well: here and here.

Liz's GMA interview was the morning of my transfer, so I was off work and able to watch it live. It brought tears to my eyes. It also happened to be the one year anniversary of her daughter Sammy's transfer, so I hope that brings good luck to me!

Transfer Day Número Tres

HI don't ever want to forget every detail of yesterday. We woke up- well, I woke up and delivered breakfast to our clinic. They more than deserve it, especially for all the questions, requests, phone calls, and emails they get just from me! So P.anera bagels, pastry ring, and some fresh fruit it was!

D was still in bed, for the first time in nearly six weeks. Due to his giant cast, he's only been able to get comfortable on the couch. So I was happy he was able to sleep in! 

We met two fellow EA moms for breakfast which was a pleasure! There were 6 little embryos at the breakfast table in addition to the adults. 

Then, it was time to guzzle my 40 oz of fluids and take my transfer meds. We'd talked about cab vs L.yft since D has a right foot cast and had been on pain medicine and I would be on v.alium. Luckily he has recently graduated to Tylenol only so since it was just a short distance, he drove us there with his left foot. So in one day he got to drive AND sleep in a real bed. Maybe he can lose the cast next. 

In the car, I got really scared. Is it the right decision to transfer two? Can I handle the possibility of twins? Panic! D reminded me they were frozen in vials of two so there was no choice. And it was too late, anyway. 

We got there early and waited a bit in the lobby. My bladder felt vaguely full but none of the desperate pains of last three times (mock + two transfers). I went back, gowned up, and rested on the gurney. I felt much more tired on the v.alium. I kept mixing up my words.

Carol came in and handed me "the picture". A fully hatched 6AA (the one on bottom right with no shell) and an almost hatching 5AB (she said the B which is the lighter area to the left side of the embryo which will become placenta was almost an A- the darker "clump" on the right side is the baby). 

Our beautiful babies! 

I was really saddened that two died in thawing. That didn't overshadow my joy, but I didn't expect it, either. It's a really sad thing to hear. That brings the count to 9 embryos of ours in heaven. 

Then it was time. The ultrasound showed my bladder was too full which surprised me. I barely felt like I had to go. I'm so hard on my poor bladder every day I guess. So I emptied for 12 seconds and returned to the transfer room. My crotch was cleaned and my cervix was sanitized (still stung!!). The new nurse had a little trouble at first getting the ultrasound in the right place but did end up getting the best view I've had out of three nurses and three transfers. I could see very well on the screen my huge bladder (dark area), my pretty little uterus I worked so hard to prepare, the thin white line of a catheter snake in, and even the second of a white flash of light as the embryos were dropped off. I've heard about the flash but never been able to see it. And just like that, I had two beautiful embryos inside me! 

I've about perfected sliding back on to the gurney (dig your elbows in and use your abs to slide). I rested inverted for 30 minutes. Sandy was my nurse again, sweet Sandy. We got our picture with the doctor and embryologist. We will NEED it for a baby book. 

D got us safely back to the hotel. We stopped for C.hickfila on the way back because it was well after 2 and I was starting to feel sick.

I hit the bed at the hotel and slept about an hour and a half. When I got up, we decided to get dinner and a movie. I think it's good to have a little light activity and something to occupy your mind. 

And that was our big day. It was bittersweet to be back. Our little one from July just couldn't make it. I miss her. It's a loss but I won't let that stop me. She is the "oldest" out of the 9 up there so she's in charge. I don't care that I'm in my late 20s and I brought the rabbit stuffed animal my mom gave me for her, when she died. I lay with it if I feel sad, and I laid with it last night. I'm blessed and thrilled and so very very hopeful and still at a loss, too. 

Spreading love and thanks 

Rise and shine embryos! Time to wake up! (Filling my bladder)

Verse my sister sent- she and my nephew were praying it for the embryos. 

The beautiful embryos

Catheter goes in direction of arrow and the embryos are in the white area below the plus sign 

Dinner time! 

Embryos on Board!

We've got two beautiful embryos on board! More to come soon. 

Grace is Enough

I've had these horrible headaches for over two months. They were worse than hormonal migraines, and I'm not sure a single day went by in that time without a headache at least part of the day. My PCP could only suggest steroids since he wouldn't prescribe migraine medicine while TTC (which I agree with). He said I could see a neurologist, but the last thing I want right now is scans and more medicine. I tried massage, but the therapist felt like something was wrong with my neck and referred me to a chiropractor.

Except I don't believe in chiropractors, so I didn't go. I continued massage and saw another therapist who recommended the same thing. In a moment of pained desperation, I made an appointment. Just for a chiropractic consultation. In continued desperation, after the exam/consultation revealed a pinched nerve in my neck with two discs out of alignment, I let the chiropractor "adjust" me.

And for 2 1/2 days, I haven't had a headache.

This is a huge blessing to me.

I think sometimes I don't open myself to blessings. Fear and hesitation is part of human nature, I guess. 

Not only was I blessed to have my pain relieved, but the chiropractor prayed over me and our transfer. Can you say tears?

And as scary as it seems to be going for a third transfer, especially after a very painful miscarriage, I have to be open to this blessing.

It doesn't snow very often where I live. Ice? Yeah. Freezing cold rain? Yep. Snow, a few times a year maybe.

Today, on the long commute to take D to Big City, sleet turned to soft snowflakes. Delicate, unique, shimmery snowflakes.

The verse that was on my heart on the drive to the clinic the day of the bad ultrasound was 2 Corinthians 2:19: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." And today, as I looked down at the snowflakes falling on the window, Your Grace Is Enough came on.

I pray God doesn't forget me.

Joy Ahead

Tis the Season

I've had a sudden burst of energy this weekend. I've cleaned my house and washed a half dozen loads of laundry. In between work and getting my house in order, I've picked up (and wrapped) some Christmas presents, including this ornament for our embryos' genetic families.

Shopping Trip

I bought something today for the embryos whom I'll meet not this week but next. Even if the only picture I end up having of them is the one from the day of transfer, it will be put to good use. I'm not a fan of most ultrasound frames that are cheaply made and an explosion of pale pink or baby blue. This one is just right!

And as a side note, while I was perusing H.allmark, I noticed there was not a single adoption, infertility, OR miscarriage card to be found. There were loss of dog and cat, cancer, new home and everything in between (not that those occasions don't call for a card). 

Finally, if anyone is interested in the frame: http://shop.hallmark.com/baby/baby-gifts/already-sweet-sonogram-frame-1FRG7101.html. 

11 days til transfer

11 days til my transfer! Protocol update: My face is still crazy broken out. I've felt nauseous since I started taking 3 e.straces a day. On a good note, I'm expecting my brain fog to clear up now that I'm finished with the l.upron!. I've felt twinges of nervousness about my ultrasound on Friday- what if my lining isn't thick enough?! Surely I haven't come this far for yet another let down.

I'm trying to put any fears aside and trek ahead. I had another massage today in hopes of staying as relaxed as possible. I took a brisk walk after work and really enjoyed the gorgeous sunset and the remaining fall leaves. Overall, I am still feeling very positive.

I made sure to go to the dentist this week and have my yearly GYN appointment and a neck x-ray next week- I need to get all these out of the way because I plan to be pregnant very soon.

To close this random post, I will leave a song I really like that I heard this week on Pandora during one of my long commutes with D.

They Changed My Life

There's been a lot of abortion talk where I live, with the recent elections and some legislation about abortion up for vote.

I have a lot of empathy for people in a situation to choose abortion. I see the struggles firsthand. I try to help the lasting damage some environments cause. Kids can't help the families they are born into, and some adults are not in a place to be parents. It's a sad reality.

I have always believed life begins at conception, so abortion is stopping that life.

Having embryos puts a whole new perspective on abortion. Physically seeing life from the time of countable cells to a heartbeat flicker on a screen only weeks later. I'd bet any mom feels this way, but it is magnified when you go through IVF and see each step as it is happening.

I know my embryos are/were lives. It's pitiful to think the sacrifices that have already been made for mine but others are sucked out of their mom before they even have a chance or say-so.  Furthermore, having d&c's (essentially the same procedure as a surgical abortion) makes me realize how traumatic an abortion is, I imagine even if the pregnancy was "unwanted".

The moment I knew the church I was going to was "my church" was when, in a sermon about abortion, the pastor reminded the congregation that caring about life is more than just abortion but helping the mom/family in a crisis pregnancy, etc. To me, that is the key to my moderate beliefs. Protect life but don't stop there- love all people and serve those in need.

I don't really know the point of all this other than to say although my gift of seeing all perspectives can be dangerous, I think I have cemented truth about life forever in my soul through this experience.

I never knew 8 cells could change my life so much!

Two Weeks

Two weeks from today I will be waking up to meet my embryos! I can't wait to see them! Tomorrow is my last l.upron (yay since it's my least favorite drug and because my face is totally broke out!). I also bump up to three e.straces a day which is always a burden to remember, but that's what iphones are for!

I found a great route to walk on my lunchbreak that is exactly one mile. It's nice to know my blood is flowing, and the fresh air, sunshine, as well as peace and quiet are a great bonus! I'm still drinking the POM and using heat. I gave up on the raspberries, though. I'll know in about nine days what my lining measures!

I'm worried that maybe I'm too optimistic. I feel about 95% sure this cycle will work. It just seems so matter of fact in my mind.

Two more weeks!!!!

No Big Deal

Just walking through K.roger and an email comes through... my first correspondence from our genetic family, Family D. With pictures!

You know, no big deal. Just standing in the chip aisle, seeing the faces of the couple who gifted us with embryos and the embryos' genetic siblings!!!!

16 Days Til Transfer

16 days til we transfer! I don't have any days off between now and transfer day- so 16 straight days of work. I'm confident, then, that this remaining time will fly by. Please say a prayer that my stress level will stay low and that my headaches can subside.  I've had a hormonal migraine, tension headache, or combination of the two almost every day for over 2 months, and I am worn out. I've tried heat, ice, massage, stretching, excedrin, my prescription migraine pills, steroid dose pack, caffeine, no caffeine... with sporadic relief. I bought a new flax seed heating pack (No, I don't get paid to say this- I LOVE my R.elax W.raps!!!), and I am on the hunt for the perfect new pillow.

I'm feeling positive. I feel more positive than ever. I can't imagine that this won't work. The statistics are overwhelmingly in our favor. We just can't keep being the unlucky ones. I know I can get pregnant. We have some strong embryos that are nearly hatching already. I know God can breathe life into the tiny frozen embryos and allow them to grow into a baby. We have 100s of people praying for us.  

Okay, I know we can keep being the unlucky ones, we really can, but please oh please not!

I just need to keep doing my part to stay healthy and minimize my stress. I won't take too much on (work and D are enough right now). I will keep eating well and taking my vitamins so I can avoid any kind of virus pre-transfer (I was sick prior to the first one and still coughing a lot at night for the first one). I will keep up drinking the P.OM and walking and using heat packs in hopes of a thick lining. THIS IS IT! We're in the home stretch of our successful cycle!

Weight Gain

You might be on e.strace when your eating habits haven't changed but you step on the scale and you've gained 5 pounds in 5 days... This is a really depressing part of embryo adoption!

Birthday Protocol

I had a birthday this week. I love emojis and I love emojji stories (eg: M.iley story). I was very humored to see the emoji story my sister texted me in honor of my big day.

It's probably tacky to talk publicly too much about work, so I left that part out, but she nailed just about everything... get up and drive D to work... then work... then drive to pick up D and drive to Mexican (hence the tomato for salsa) then celebrate my birthday and end the day with my l.upron and e.strace, a quick trip to the computer, and of course curling up with my cats for the night.

Yep, I'd say she got just about everything!