Hope & Healing

I still don't like ultrasounds. I wish I could get sedation and wake up and know the results. It's pretty sad. I alternate between laying as stiff as possible on the table and wishing I could dart off the table. The pressure is too much.

But I survived, and thank God the anatomy scan couldn't have been better.

Is there a heartbeat? Yes, I see the flicker. Obstacle passed. He's still alive. Whew.

"How's my cervix?" Oh, you think it's strange I'm asking cervix length and know that 4.2 is more than sufficient? I have no real reason to know or care. I'm just that paranoid. And now I have one less thing to worry about... until the next ultrasound, anyway.

Back to the heart. Yep, four chambers (which by the way, I was not expecting to see the heart is such detail- it was pretty cool). Check.

The spine has perfect detail. Each. Little. Vertebrae. Check.

The kidneys are both there. The bladder is there. It empties and fills back up during the scan. The stomach is there and on the correct side (I thought it would need to be in the middle) and interestingly was full of amniotic fluid. Check. Check. Check.

The head measures correctly. Check.

The arms and legs measure correctly. Actually, the legs are quite long. Who in the family is tall? "He gets that from his genetic dad". So check, check.

Baby boy did a few waves. Turned over and back again. Stretched his feet up to his face. Got complimented on his perfect head shape and how well behaved he was for the measurements. Thankfully his aunt was there to coo at him and help him feel loved in that moment.

Now.... it all feels like a dream. My stomach is getting bigger because there is a real, live, growing baby in there. Weird.

Maybe this really will work. Maybe this is where I was meant to be. He must be who I have been waiting for.

Wildest Dreams

Now that we found out we're having a boy, we know we have very little to buy. We have a mostly full nursery anyway, and plenty of hand me down clothes from boys born the same season. 

I got a couple new things since C.arters was having a great sale including a cheerful crab bib for a trip we have planned for the beach when little man will be a couple of months old. 

No pun intended, I could pinch myself. It still feels like a dream. 

We will bring a baby home in August, unforeseen circumstances aside. There will be no revoking parental right documents, no reunification plan, and hopefully no painful genetic conditions to be passed on. This will be our baby. He won't be leaving. He will be the greatest gift ever. We didn't know he or his genetic family existed last year. He was in a vial with his siblings at a clinic in Knoxville. Now he's moving all over in my stomach and ready to be apart of our family. In my wildest dreams I never thought this would happen. 

Hi World

Hi world! I'm 11 1/2 weeks. I love having my picture made at the doctor. I'm waving to let you all know despite the pains that worried my mom this weekend, I'm growing like a weed. I'm two inches!

My mom is off her shots, and I'm enjoying a more calm, relaxing environment with my mom not having to poke herself every morning and evening. We go back to the doctor next week as scheduled to do routine bloodwork. 

I still don't care much for meat, and I still love fresh fruit, like watermelon and strawberries and especially cara cara oranges my aunt introduced my mom to. 

Shot Free

Over 100 shots later, I'm off the PIO (and e.strace, too). I go back Monday to make sure my body is picking up the slack as it should. It was the scariest and most liberating thing to just skip the first shot. The alternative to my body making progesterone correctly is a miscarriage. But ultimately I trust my doctor so here I am. A couple days have already helped my hips recover, and I've treated myself to C.huy's to celebrate this HUGE milestone!!!

Half Oil Day

It's half oil day! Horray!!

That is all....

Stepping Stones

Last night I got to cut my e.strace in half. So I'll be taking half a pill twice a day, now.

Tomorrow I get to cut my shot in half, half the oil still twice a day. 

It doesn't feel like relief if I still have to prepare two shots a day and poke both sides every day, but I know this is a stepping stone towards relying on the placenta and no more artificial supplements! 

I return to monitoring clinic next week to check on my levels and see how they're doing on half the medication. My hormone levels are the one thing that have consistently been great all three transfers so let's hope the trend continues so I can get my hips back and maybe even lose some of the water weight (I know it'll creep back but I'll take any days with less puffiness lol). 

Last View for Awhile

Little one looked great today. Measuring exactly right at 9w3d and heartrate was 178. This was my last ultrasound for awhile, as long as we stay healthy. I go to the OB 3 long weeks from now. 

Awaits Me

My fate awaits me.

I wake up at 5 AM. Eating breakfast is torture. Everything is disgusting. But the sooner I eat, the sooner some relief will come. Half of a granola bar will do. 

I push the button on the elevator at the clinic, but it never comes- only makes a strange humming. I wait and wait but nothing. I've been feeling pretty out of breath lately just from talking but it's nothing compared to hiking up two flights of stairs. 

Then, the ultrasound tech wasn't scheduled today, but was. So everything is running behind. I peer around for a trash can because I'm feeling sick. 

Waiting for my ultrasound, elbow to elbow with the others waiting, the fire alarm goes off. Staff talks of evacuating. However, I'm not going anywhere til I get my ultrasound. The other patients wince at the shrill sound and stay put, too. 

Then the moment of truth comes. 

I get to see my baby. Heart flickering away at a dizzying speed. Looking like a baby now, rather than an indistinguishable blob. Still safely tucked away in its sac, away from the annoying still-present blood pocket. 

Measuring exactly on track. Heartrate in the 170s. Oblivious to my constant concern over the blood pocket and shots and nasuea. Just growing at a rapid pace. Thriving. Looking like a baby with a chubby torso and four little limbs and a giant head.

My baby may really be here to stay! 

Post-Christmas

The baby's first unofficial Christmas has come and gone. He or she got a couple gifts, and I got a funny t-shirt from a fellow EA mom. I've been trying to take her advice to "rejoice and be glad" to heart. I'm slowly coming around. I never thought I would still feel so guarded at 8 weeks.

But I guess the intermittent bleeding and cramps that I'm STILL having don't help matters. I have my third ultrasound on Monday, so I'm hoping the heart is still pumping away and we've had quite a bit of growth (the baby should be about doubled in size from the last ultrasound).

I have flashes of moments that I think maybe this really could work out. It seems like a fairy tale, that a pregnancy would just progress. Maybe our baby is growing and developing and still alive. Embryos can be healthy, can't they?

Sometimes bad luck finally runs out. I've seen two friends waiting painstakingly for an adoptive placement have full arms in the past couple of weeks. They both finally were placed with babies! The sole pregnancy that came from the May transfer is here- sweet twin girls! Maybe I can join their ranks.

I'm ready to be able to have joy. I'm ready to fully open my heart. I'm ready to stop going through the motions of my day- shot, work, chores, shot, sleep, repeat- and be excited!

Another Scan

I wasn't expecting to see our little one again so soon but had another ultrasound this morning due to some bleeding. 

Growth is on track. Heartrate has increased to 153. I had a pocket of blood (not shown in this particular picture) which explains the bleeding. 

So does it feel good thinking I am miscarrying at various points throughout the day? Nope. But my brain can tell my nerves there is a reason. 

Whew. 

Introducing...

...One baby

Measuring exactly on track at 6w3d

Heartrate of 127 bpm

The Post You've Been Waiting For (The News I've Been Waiting For)

Email from nurse on Friday: "As you can see, you have a positive result!! Let's get the second check on Monday..."

Email from nurse today: "The results look good! You are progressing nicely". 

Finally, some good news! I have an ultrasound scheduled for two weeks from today... because I'M PREGNANT.

Since I was using the unreliable lab this time, rather than the RE I normally go to, I thwarted any record-sending stress by directly getting a copy of the results myself and forwarding them straight to the nurse. This is how it should happen every time. I knew sooner. I knew NEDC had the results. No calling. No leaving messages. No tracking things down. But I digress.

Friday morning? A beta of 226.

This morning? A beta of 773.

Since you typically repeat after 48 hours, I had to use a beta doubling calculator to check up on things, and the beta doubled at a rate of about 40 hours, which is excellent and within range of what the doctor likes to see.

How do I feel physically? On and off queasy, not as tired as before but still ready for bed by 8 PM. I feel "less pregnant" than I did last time, or maybe I am just more used to it by now. My PIO shots are going pretty well with minimum discomfort. I think I've pretty much perfected the technique.

Emotionally and spiritually, I've maintained a deep peace this whole time. I don't feel that nervous. I just feel like things will work out. Do I have flashes of panic? Yes. But overall, I feel very calm.

I feel a little emotionally detached from the embryos this time. It makes me feel a little guilty, but I know I'm just doing the best I can. I've read them one book. The other embryos had a book or two a day. I just don't feel like doing it this time. I think deep, deep down it is hard to be joyful and this is just my heart's way of protecting itself. It's so subconscious but noticeable.

But I am grateful and happy and in shock and trying to get more excited. I'm blessed.

Thank you, Lord, for Your mercy and sustenance. Thank You for life and for allowing me to experience new life.

Because they mean so much to me- our group of five ladies has four confirmed pregnancies and one confirmed failed transfer. Please say a prayer for all the babies and moms and most importantly for my friend who lost embryos both in thawing and in transfer and is empty handed right now. It's very upsetting to cycle with someone and have them experience loss. It feels like she is left behind, and I don't understand why. I hope the next cycle will bring joy for her.

Finally, please nothing on Facebook if I know you in "real life". Thanks!

Transfer Day Número Tres

HI don't ever want to forget every detail of yesterday. We woke up- well, I woke up and delivered breakfast to our clinic. They more than deserve it, especially for all the questions, requests, phone calls, and emails they get just from me! So P.anera bagels, pastry ring, and some fresh fruit it was!

D was still in bed, for the first time in nearly six weeks. Due to his giant cast, he's only been able to get comfortable on the couch. So I was happy he was able to sleep in! 

We met two fellow EA moms for breakfast which was a pleasure! There were 6 little embryos at the breakfast table in addition to the adults. 

Then, it was time to guzzle my 40 oz of fluids and take my transfer meds. We'd talked about cab vs L.yft since D has a right foot cast and had been on pain medicine and I would be on v.alium. Luckily he has recently graduated to Tylenol only so since it was just a short distance, he drove us there with his left foot. So in one day he got to drive AND sleep in a real bed. Maybe he can lose the cast next. 

In the car, I got really scared. Is it the right decision to transfer two? Can I handle the possibility of twins? Panic! D reminded me they were frozen in vials of two so there was no choice. And it was too late, anyway. 

We got there early and waited a bit in the lobby. My bladder felt vaguely full but none of the desperate pains of last three times (mock + two transfers). I went back, gowned up, and rested on the gurney. I felt much more tired on the v.alium. I kept mixing up my words.

Carol came in and handed me "the picture". A fully hatched 6AA (the one on bottom right with no shell) and an almost hatching 5AB (she said the B which is the lighter area to the left side of the embryo which will become placenta was almost an A- the darker "clump" on the right side is the baby). 

Our beautiful babies! 

I was really saddened that two died in thawing. That didn't overshadow my joy, but I didn't expect it, either. It's a really sad thing to hear. That brings the count to 9 embryos of ours in heaven. 

Then it was time. The ultrasound showed my bladder was too full which surprised me. I barely felt like I had to go. I'm so hard on my poor bladder every day I guess. So I emptied for 12 seconds and returned to the transfer room. My crotch was cleaned and my cervix was sanitized (still stung!!). The new nurse had a little trouble at first getting the ultrasound in the right place but did end up getting the best view I've had out of three nurses and three transfers. I could see very well on the screen my huge bladder (dark area), my pretty little uterus I worked so hard to prepare, the thin white line of a catheter snake in, and even the second of a white flash of light as the embryos were dropped off. I've heard about the flash but never been able to see it. And just like that, I had two beautiful embryos inside me! 

I've about perfected sliding back on to the gurney (dig your elbows in and use your abs to slide). I rested inverted for 30 minutes. Sandy was my nurse again, sweet Sandy. We got our picture with the doctor and embryologist. We will NEED it for a baby book. 

D got us safely back to the hotel. We stopped for C.hickfila on the way back because it was well after 2 and I was starting to feel sick.

I hit the bed at the hotel and slept about an hour and a half. When I got up, we decided to get dinner and a movie. I think it's good to have a little light activity and something to occupy your mind. 

And that was our big day. It was bittersweet to be back. Our little one from July just couldn't make it. I miss her. It's a loss but I won't let that stop me. She is the "oldest" out of the 9 up there so she's in charge. I don't care that I'm in my late 20s and I brought the rabbit stuffed animal my mom gave me for her, when she died. I lay with it if I feel sad, and I laid with it last night. I'm blessed and thrilled and so very very hopeful and still at a loss, too. 

Spreading love and thanks 

Rise and shine embryos! Time to wake up! (Filling my bladder)

Verse my sister sent- she and my nephew were praying it for the embryos. 

The beautiful embryos

Catheter goes in direction of arrow and the embryos are in the white area below the plus sign 

Dinner time! 

New Directions

I realize how glad I am that I started blogging. I would remember a tenth of what's on here without it. I'm looking back at posts around my past two transfers. I instantly know facts like past lining measurements or how much to drink the day of transfer.

But more than that, I can relive the emotions. The elation, the anxiety, the suffering, the peace. 

I've come a long way, and I think my path is about to take a new direction. I'll have happier things to write about. Answered prayers. Fulfilled longings. 

I'll put my all into work today to get ahead. I'll finish packing tonight. I'll work the morning tomorrow, then start the drive to pick D up and head eastward. That's not very much left between me and the embryos. They don't know what's about to happen. While I'm making plans and rushing around, they're perpetually frozen and just waiting at a chance to experience life. Two more days! 

A Day of Rest

Yesterday, I had a long awaited day of rest. I was physically busy all day, but I had an "off" day for my mind. Thankfully, no work, no on call phone for today. I woke up at a leisurely 7:15 AM and ate some yummy oatmeal sprinkled with walnuts (which is my new favorite after K.roger unkindly stopped carrying my other favorite oatmeal!). I proceeded to town on the backroads so I could enjoy the foggy morning sprinkled with fall leaves and hay rolls.

Once I got to town, I got a much needed massage. My headaches have been out of control the past two months. My PCP gave me a steroid pack that temporarily helped, and I'm trying to not rely on pain medication that I can't even take come my transfer. So, for over an hour, the massage therapist found all kinds of knots and showed me several things I can do myself to keep my neck loose which should help my headaches (I knew I held stress in my neck and shoulders but who knew that helped cause headaches?!?). And on a sad note, she found a pretty nice knot on my lower left hip... two months past PIO and I still relive that cycle.

I left feeling lighter and looser than ever. I could even turn my head properly in lane changes. What a simple fix! I treated myself to one of the new S.onic Splashes (I've had both the Sunshine Berry and the Hawaiian Wave, and both are pretty tasty- if you're okay with fruit pieces in your water). I picked up some tom yum soup from my favorite Thai place- heaven in a bowl! I even ran a bunch of errands but it was no big deal since I was still floating. I ended the day with homemade soup and bread at my family homestead (parents' house) and hugs and kisses from my nephew.

It's amazing how much better I feel. I still don't feel great from the medication, and I am still "it" for our family right now for chores, driving, and daily life.... but I can handle it, with this recharge. I made it through D's surgery (which his ortho specialist said was the most procedures in one case he has ever done- awesome), D's recovery thus far (one ER visit, two doctor appointments, and on his third cast), lots of chauffeuring and cleaning and packing lunches, starting up my most dreaded medication, and working a very long stretch at work. Oh, and a flat tire Thursday. You know, to spice things up a little! If I can handle these past two weeks, I can handle anything!

I Can't Believe It

I wouldn't believe some of the stuff I blog about, had it not happened to me. The immense struggle of 4 ultrasounds in 18 days: lost a twin but the other baby is okay, the other baby won't make it, the other baby has a heartbeat and may make it, the other baby lost its heartbeat and is dead. The unbelievable luck to have 2 d&c's in 5 days. Issues with my insurance company that I haven't even mentioned here (greedy scoundrels).

But incredible things have happened, too. Three families we've never even met have gifted us with precious embryos. People came together and, through this blog, donated money for the kinship adoption of a close family friend of mine. I work in a small, close-knit environment and, last year for my birthday, my coworkers secretly gathered money for our adoption. Someone anonymously paid for our hotel for our first transfer, unknown to us til we checked out and expected to get a bill.

So there are all these horrible forces out there, causing death and suffering and greed. But there are also people who chose to give sacrificially to bless others

With that said, the other night, D and I went to a benefit dinner his work was hosting. Music performed by various employees and a silent auction for a local family in need. Since I am blogging about the benefit, I am sure you can guess where this is going.

Posted at the door

Some of the music for the night

The pub was packed shoulder to shoulder. Everyone enjoyed refreshments and catching up, while they waited for the big reveal of just who this money was helping. Except every single person there- except us- knew the benefit was for us (and had known for 1+ month- how this stayed a secret, I have no idea!).

At the moment of the big revel, ten members of both mine and D's extended family sheepishly and tearfully walked out. We were both in shock- and I think still are to some extent. His company had a wild goal to raise $2,000, and they nearly doubled that! So many people gave of their time, money, and talents so sacrificially. It's the most humbling experience to know so many people are there for you. And to receive money towards being able to have a family- there are really no words.

This huge and amazing blessing, and it really pushes us into this third transfer with not only peace that we will have funds for all the expenses that comes along with it but the knowledge that literally hundreds of people care about us and want this for us. And they're willing to put action to that love. Wow! I can't get over it!

Everything is Relative

If you're just here for the highlights, you may not be interested in this post. TMI- you've been warned.

I finally finished my first pack of active BCP which I started about a week and half after the d&c. I never thought I could be happy to see CD1. I hope my body is repairing itself. Adhesions (which I am terrified I may have developed) can cause "blockages". I hope having CD1 is a sign I don't have any. And to top it off, now that I'm far enough post d&c, I can finally trade in pads and pantiliners for tampons. Moving on up!

Everything is relative. What would normally be an annoyance at best or a difficult time (such as in a failed cycle) is a joy. Who ever thought I'd want a negative pregnancy test and to be able to use tampons?

Blessings and An Honor

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,

because the Lord has anointed me

to proclaim good news to the poor.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

to proclaim freedom for the captives

and release from darkness for the prisoners

to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor

and the day of vengeance of our God,

to comfort all who mourn,

and provide for those who grieve in Zion—

to bestow on them a crown of beauty

instead of ashes,

the oil of joy

instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise

instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of righteousness,

a planting of the Lord

for the display of his splendor.

They will rebuild the ancient ruins

and restore the places long devastated;

they will renew the ruined cities

that have been devastated for generations.

-Isaiah 61:1-4

I'm still on the brokenhearted side at times, captive to darkness and in mourning. However, I also have blessings in my life that reveal joy, beauty, and praise. I will choose to spend time thanking God for the goodness in my life and the precious blessings I am surrounded by. 

One of the biggest honors I have is being an aunt, both by blood and by friendship. Spontaneous and genuine hugs from chubby arms; holding a warm and peaceful baby; eager goodbye waves from a grinning toddler; a painted butterfly from a preschooler that is on my bulletin board at work; cheering on a lanky boy at a soccer game. 

The kids in my life redeem my emptiness. They can't replace my losses, but they surround me with such wonder, affection, and joy.

Lots of Small Updates

We're making slow but steady progress towards our third transfer. We officially told our clinic that we are interested in matching with Family D. D and I sat down in front of some profiles, read through them together, and both concluded that this family seems open, fairly similar to us and a plus is that they have a very good health history. Unlike Family A and Family C, they live completely across the country- on the West Coast.

Going into this the third time, I have lower expectations. Family A was everything we could have asked for, and although I think we will always have a relationship and keep in touch, we will never have a child in common. I think that hurt made choosing this time have less pressure. We just want to find someone we both agreed with. Obviously picking the "perfect" family for us didn't work out. That disappointment clouds our desire to look high and low for another "perfect" family.

So, now we wait for an answer from Family D. We received very quick responses from Family A and C (we had a wait awhile  to hear "no" from Family B). Family D has five kids, so they're probably pretty busy. I hope we don't have to wait too terribly long, though. The clinic said they emailed the family. I hope whichever parent they emailed actually checks their email! If someone emailed D about something important, they might wait awhile for a response! :)

After we both agreed to pursue a match with Family D, I talked with Carol, the embryologist about these embryos. Quality doesn't guarantee success, but we are interested in it. Much to my surprise, she said they are from an excellent clinic she's had good success from before. On top of that, all six embryos are very excellent quality. As in all the very best and second best a blast can be (multicells are rated less stringently, but blasts are rated 1-6 and then with two sets of letters A-C... so there are lots of ratings a blast can be- 6AA, 5AB, 4CC, etc). That makes us feel hopeful.

We've already had our phone conference with the new contract mediator (the CEO who is covering). We prefer the same openness as with our two previous contracts but understand if this family isn't comfortable with that. She will discuss everything with Family D, should they agree to match with us. So, that's one more formality that's checked off the to-do list.

My weekly post-d&c pee stick this weekend was such a faint positive, that I'm sure by tomorrow it would be completely negative. I hope this means no more retained tissue and proper healing. I am so happy to have paid $2.40 rather than $484.00 to monitor this (not to mention the gas, time, hassle, and emotional distress to get to and from clinic).

After having to reschedule twice, I finally have my consultation with Dr. K this week on Wednesday. The genetic testing results came back with no answers. They didn't find anything genetically wrong with the baby. I have a whole list of questions typed up that I want to discuss with him. Please pray for him to have wisdom in my treatment. I'm sure he hates practicing medicine in the age of google and everyone talking to each other online- but I want to address my concerns and advocate for myself (and my future embryos).

In Between

For the past week and a half, I've just been trying to survive. Get through each day. Process my loss. It helps me, I think, that I anticipated the loss after the first bad ultrasound. I started disconnecting and mourning then. Now, I think I'm ready to move to the next phase. I'm still sad, and I know some days will be worse than others. But I don't want to be depressed. I want to heal. I want to look towards the future. I believe something good can still happen.

I started back on all my normal vitamins and supplements. I didn't feel like there was a point to bother taking them after the miscarriage was official. I finally feel I need to get my strength back up after two surgeries, blood loss, sudden drop in hormones, and the saddest loss of my life. I'm looking forward to getting back to walking and pilates, just in time for the cooler weather and fall leaves to arrive.

I am in between the loss of my first baby and the preparation to be healthy for my second (I hope).