i don’t understand

I don’t understand how we went through 11 embryos and three hard cycles for baby boy. Two lone embryos left. Frozen for nearly ten years. And they both thawed. Both implanted. Are both growing and both have solid heartbeats! 

Still in shock. 

waiting

I waited only four days between transfer and getting my first positive pregnancy test. I waited five days between my first positive pregnancy test and my first bloodwork (beta). I waited three days between the first beta and the second beta. Now I’m waiting over two and a half weeks for the first ultrasound.

The very telling first ultrasound where there should be a gestational sac, a yolk sac, and baby AND a strongly beating heart.

It’s hard to know what to expect. My first pregnancy, I had “Singleton level” betas doubling nicely and had twins- although one was an empty sac and the other ended up dying. My second pregnancy I had “twin level” betas doubling nicely and one healthy baby (baby boy) by the day of ultrasound. I’m not going to try to guess what will happen. I’m trying to avoid playing any scenarios through my mind. I hope to show up, muster onto the table, and just see!

This wait is so different. It is hard, but it isn’t intense. I have thought what if I’m not pregnant anymore? I’m on progesterone so it’s unlikely I would miscarry even if my baby died. But there are no more reassurances. No more betas. No way to get an early ultrasound.

I even had a dream where I had pain on the left side and told the ER I thought I had an ectopic pregnancy and needed an ultrasound right away. When I woke up, my left side was aching (normal cramping with this process).  As much as my conscious tries to stay busy, my unconscious expresses concern.

I will know by the end of next week. If you are a heartbeat in the sixth week, there’s a 75% chance for a take home baby. I know all the odds, each week and milestone. The scars I carry.

crossing a bridge

703!

What does that mean? I have either one overachiever Singleton or possibly twins. I’ll know in a couple weeks once I can have an ultrasound. Of course assuming I don’t have a miscarriage before then.

The past still haunts. Therapy, medication and faith applied, it still haunts.

I’m just going to try to live in the moment and cross bridges when I get to them.

My symptoms: very tired, sore boobs (this part is from the estrogen- it’s such a nasty medicine that swells everything!), queasey. My sense of smell is in rare form meaning I can smell people smoking in other cars when I’m at a light. I detailed my toilets yesterday, taking apart things I didn’t know I could, to remove any pee smell (boys- baby boy plus nephews plus husband). Even though I’m tired, my obsessive commitment of my anxiety is flaring up.

transfer result is as follows...

I’m pregnant! I know all too well that doesn’t mean a lot at this point. But I turned a digital test positive 5 days past transfer which is pretty unheard of. I had my first beta and it was 170. I will have a repeat early next week and we will see if it doubles appropriately.

I never in a million years thought I would be writing this. We sold ALL of our baby stuff.

A day at a time...

two embryos tucked away

Bracelet from an embryo adoption mama friend- such an encouragement

Dark spot is bladder, round darker area is uterus, and white line is the embryos

Introducing our final two embryos

The embryos are in. Yes, they both survived the thaw! We did pretty much the same routine we've done before. Spend the night before in the same hotel near NEDC. Walk off nerves in T.arget. I even filled my bladder with the same orange V.itaminwater Zero as last time and ate the same Mexican after transfer/insanely long nap to sleep off meds (three hours this time!). You may notice, if you are an embryo junkie like me, that both are pretty perfect. These are both fully hatched and 6AA which is the top quality they can be. 

* * * * * * * *

It was pouring rain the day of transfer. Their number popped up on my phone and I thought surely it was them telling us not to come because they didn't thaw. D was in the restroom, so I had to answer it. It was the receptionist asking me to go ahead and take my pre-transfer meds ASAP because they were running ahead of schedule. I had actually just emptied my bladder (it has to be full to do transfer) so I chugged several drinks and took my meds. We made our way to the clinic. We sat in the waiting room almost no time. 

I went back, got in my gown, put on the blue hairnet. Sat nervously on the bed. I didn't know what would happen if they didn't thaw. At what point we would know. Surely they would have told us by now. But maybe not.

Then I saw the embryologist through the edge of the curtain, and she was holding a piece of paper as well as an embryo picture. She came in and explained they both thawed well and they were both 6AA. We signed the paper, and before I knew it.... it was my turn.

This time was much less pressure. My bladder was way overfull, because I have an amazing bladder, so I emptied for ten seconds and came back. The alcohol to clean my insides didn't burn as much. I think it's because I delivered a 9 lb baby and had a stuck placenta that required manual extraction. Anything is a breeze after that. 

I tried to take some deep breaths and relax as fully as I could. I used imagery of melting down into the table. Legs up and spread and three people looking down at my crotch, and I had no worries in the world. The catheter went in, and Dr K. said it had to go over a bump in my cervix (what a weird job!). I saw it on the screen, no explanation needed. I didn't see the flash of light this time. My hands were pressed tightly against my torso, holding onto my gown that was folded up. And just like that, they were in.

With some new research, they have changed the protocol so you can walk right off the table, go pee, and sit up straight on the hospital bed. D was just chilling in the chair next to the bed, after I peed and returned to my curtained area. 

I had my vitals taken. A dear embryo mama friend stopped by to give me hugs (it meant a whole lot for her to do this!). And we left. Just like that. Two gorgeous, plump embryos tucked safely away inside me. 

* * * * * * * *

How am I feeling? I don't know how to feel. I really didn't think they would survive thawing. I was really fixated on that. But they did. Its scary. But relieving. No more embryos in the freezer. No more souls I am responsible for, in the sense of deciding their fates.