Nothing Fancy

Every moment is a blessing. 

He's sprawled on the couch, sucking his fake paci (it falls out when he falls asleep but he will intermittently keep sucking). His cheeks are rosy. His hair is fuzzy from last night's bath. I'm folding laundry. 

Just our daily life. 

Nothing fancy. 

Whole. Complete. A bursting heart. 

Hollow

Every day brings a new reminder of my blessing.

On Friday, I sat in the medical records waiting room where I eagerly awaited beta results. I remember that clock. It ticked very loudly. Each. Agonizing. Second. 

Yesterday, time flew by. Baby boy was snuggled in the B.oba. I talked to him. He grinned. I bounced him and fed him a bottle. 

Before him, time was hollow. Empty. Long. 

Now time is full. Warm. Much quicker. 

Today I had baby boy down on the floor to play. He's really into reflections right now, so I let him stare at himself in a mirror. The mirror I bought to set on the counter to do my shots.

Full circle. 

We made it. 

Awe

On Wednesday, I drove from the hospital to the gym where D coaches basketball. It's the same route I drove when I had the scary bleed (we were at Walgreens on the way to his basketball game when it happened).

That night all that could run through my head was what if the baby is gone? I wasn't sure I could keep going towards a baby if I lost him/her. It was one of the scariest and saddest times of my life. 

And here I am. Headed to another season of basketball games with sweet baby boy in tow.

Almost every day there is a moment that takes my breath away. 

Yesterday, pulling out of the pediatrician office where my 4 month well baby visit was perfect (minus him bring a noisy breather and still not sleeping through the night-- such small things), U.nanswered Prayers" by G.arth Brooks came on. While I don't agree with the theology of the song, I feel the sentiment. 

For three years I prayed every day for each possibility to work. Baby boy is meant for us. God knew what he was doing (of course He did). 

Growing

My heart was healed the moment he looked into my eyes. Years of pain melted away. Tears were a distant memory. 

Now that my heart is healed, it has room to grow. 

The rolls on his little (big) legs? My heart grows. 

The way he jumps with pure joy as he learns and discovers new skills? My heart is even bigger. 

EDA Awareness

I'm a day late and a dollar short. 

EDA Awareness Day sailed by with no recognition here. 

But I still have the informational graphics to pass along. Credit goes to snowflakebabies.org. 

Feel free to save these and share on any social media. Who knows what potential donor or recipient will see them and find out about this miracle?

Gratitude

Last night he looked up at me, smiled a huge gummy smile, and grabbed my hand. 

Yesterday was the 2nd Annual Embryo Donation/Adoption Awareness Day. 

Thank my God for His provisions in a broken world. The pain of two families merged. A joyous baby was the result.

Baby boy moves me to tears. 

Some days I want to bottle him up and keep him little. But I know I'm blessed to have a healthy, growing little boy that has a new development every day. 

On today, Thanksgiving, my heart is bursting. 

Thankful for technology that makes this possible

Thankful for a clinic that loves frozen little lives 

Thankful for a family that made an unimaginable sacrifice to place him in my arms

Thankful this same family navigates unchartered territory to maintain an open relationship 

Thankful for health to get him here and to keep him growing 

Thankful for being held up through years of waiting by prayers and encouragement of so many around me 

Thankful for just this. A beautiful life entrusted to me. A tender soul with large, warm eyes and strength beyond his age. This baby has changed my life. My marriage. My purpose for living. He's my world, after all.

Year

One year ago, baby boy was a five day embryo that had just been released from being frozen in time. He was safely tucked in my belly. 

Now he's here. Sixteen pounds. Chubby cheeks. Serious eyes. Cuddled with me. 

Oh what a difference a year can make. 

2nd Annual Embryo Donation/Adoption Awareness

The big day is November 25th. Stay tuned to this blog for free graphics you can share through social media. 

Why is this important? 

You never know whose life you will touch. I found out about embryo adoption via social media (a blog). 

So because someone took the time and guts to share online, I have baby boy and my family is complete! 

You spreading the word about this beautiful option may reach a waiting family, a potential donor with embryos waiting in storage, a loved one who may be unsure about this option and just needs to learn more about it. Let's help connect families and normalize embryo adoption! 

Living Our Lives

My cats are past due for their annual vet checkup. For the past several years that would have meant we weren't qualified to be parents. (Homestudies require documentation of up to date visits). 

But now we get to live our lives just like everyone else. 

Risk

Many people have asked me why be so open, or open at all. Why tell baby boy about his very unique beginnings. Why invite his genetic family into our lives. "I don't know that I could do that" is the resounding consensus. 

I'm fully his mom. While we don't share DNA, my body built his. I threw up and endured shots and waddled to get him here. He clings to my shoulder when I hold him. His face lights up when I talk to him. I know what he needs, and I do everything in my power to get it for him. When I smile now, it's true, and from within. A deep inner joy. 

He's my baby!

But I haven't always been his mom. He had another mom at first. A mom that hoped and prayed for him. That endured shots, too. That sat in the lobby of a fertility clinic just like I did. 

Love comes at a price. Risk is involved. It can be scary and perhaps a little messy at times. It can be uncomfortable. 

But oh is it worth it! 

Only time will tell how baby boy feels about all of this. I've often thought what he will think as he reads back on these words one day when he is much older. 

Did we do right by him? Were our choices what was best for him? 

So far my heart's only answer is a resounding "yes". 

Beauty for ashes. 

This replays over and over in my heart. 

You can never have too much love. 

During our visit, both genetic grandmas were unsure of what to call themselves. They went out on a limb to meet us but even more to open up and ask what they should be called. 

Baby boy can never have too much love! He can have four grandmas (if his genetic ones feel comfortable with that title, of course... And they do!) Their roles may be different considering the circumstances. But they had the same eagerness to snuggle him as my mom and D's mom. They both got him gifts. It's really not all that different. It's the same core emotions, just working out in a different way. 

So baby boy has the mom who carried him and holds him now. Plus a mom who brought him to life and ensured he had a chance to live. He has a dad who calls him "buddy, buddy" plus another dad who called him the same thing (yes, really!). Plus siblings that dote on him (those are only in Oregon, though). Grandparents who beam with pride. Aunts and uncles, cousins. So much love! 

So baby boy, if you are ever reading this- I'm sorry if this ever seems confusing or weird. (I pray not, since you will grow up knowing your story). All D, I, and your Oregon Family want is what is best for you. We all love you fiercely. We've jumped into openness with no looking back. 

You deserve to know your roots. In our situation, that means to opportunity to know them first hand. 

So I can get past the nerves of meeting your genetic family. And they can get past the nerves, too. 

It's all worth it. 

<3 baby boy- It was a risk to transfer you (especially after losing your sister), but thank God we did. It was a risk for two families to meet, but we're building a heritage for you. 

How I have felt as I get to know baby boy's genetic family. My fears melt away. It's not ultimately about me or them (although we've both been blessed in our own ways). I have to put aside myself for what I believe is best for my child. 

My prayer (one of many) for baby boy

It's possible to have a family tree that intertwines with another. The beauty of adoption! 

Growing

We took two long plane rides to get there. On one leg of our journey, a soon to be grandma sat next to us. 

Many people who meet baby boy say he looks older than he is. He's big. He holds up his head well. But he also just seems wise. He really concentrates on things, and pays attention, and takes it all in. 

So the lady remarked about his wisdom. How he didn't seem at all to be around 3 months. I told her it was because his soul is really six. And we were traveling to see his first family out West. 

When we got off the second plane, we met baby boy's genetic mom and his two full genetic siblings in the waiting area. I spotted one of the sons and gave a wave. He lit up, ran up to me, and gave me a hug. 

As we were walking out with my bags, the other child quietly said he wanted to tell me something and proceeded to say that baby boy was his mom's baby but she couldn't grow him so he grew in me and was my baby. So innocent. 

This would be a special trip. Taking baby boy to even more love. To where he began. To what may have beens and what was meant to be. 

Yay and Nay: Birth-Newborn

I got a million different types of advice while pregnant and since I became a mom. Not that I am an expert by any means, but I love reading recommendation type of posts to get ideas. Take it for what it's worth. Here are some of my Yays. Nays will come in a separate post.

Postpartum
My postpartum nurses sucked. Other than offering me a pain pill and bringing me a glass of ice water, I was pretty much on my own (to their defense it was insanely busy). Thankfully, my sister ensured I had a few tricks to help things along.

Ice

Ask for some upon getting to postpartum room. It doesn't have to be fancy. A glove filled with ice cubes will do. Just get something frozen to help with the swelling. I just put it on top of my huge hospital pad.

A supply basket

I kept a dollar store bucket on the back of my toilet at home, stocked with helpful items. My go-to's were T.ucks pads (line them along pad- moisture is your friend when you have stitches), E.arth Mama Angel Baby spray (very soothing and the bottle sprays even at an angle), and a simple squirt bottle (fill with warm to hot water to rinse everything off- do this first thing after using the restroom- before applying other products). I kept my pads, mesh panties and extra toilet paper in the bucket, too.  

Support system 

If you have helpful people in your life, take advantage of them. I can't describe how much better I felt with just a 1-2 hour nap while someone sat at my house and held baby boy. I didn't cook for several weeks because family and my small group at church brought over food (setting up a meal coordination site helps plan things out so meals can be spread every few days and so you have a variety of things). 

Newborn

P.andora 

Lullabies. Kids music. It can travel anywhere in the house with you via your smart phone. My two favorite kids stations are R.ain for Roots and R.affi. 

H.appiest Baby on the Block

Never underestimate the power of shh'ing, swaddling, and a good ol paci. We love the S.hh Baby Shh app for when your mouth gets exhausted. Baby boy was never picky about a paci so he uses a soothie with a w.ubbanub (makes it hard to loose the paci and it stays in the mouth better having a stuffed animal attached). We never found a flawless swaddle so I don't have a recommendation. The one we liked the best was a.den + anais but baby boy still was able to break the swaddle several times a night (he wakes up several times a night, too, so we would just reswaddle). H.alos didn't hold him at all.

A.ngelcare bath support
Doesn't get mildewy. Is the perfect angle to wash baby whether in the sink (what we did when baby boy was really small) or in the tub (what we do now- you can fill tub with an inch or two of water and rinse with a cup OR use showerhead). By far the most superior tub.

P.ottery Barn Hooded Towels
By far the fluffiest and most absorbent. They make washcloths, too! 

Bottle washing routine
I put a large glass bowl in one side of the kitchen sink. I put empty, disassembled bottles in there as I use them. Once I have the bowl full, I fill it with hot water, regular blue D.awn soap, and a couple splashes of white vinegar (it really helps cut the film). Then obviously rinse with hot water and dry on a rack. I'm surprised at how quickly parts can get moldy if they're not well dried.

Backpack diaper bag
I got a P.etunia Picklebottom backpack bag at consignment- best consignment purchase ever! It has so much room, a good amount of pockets, is wipeable, and the version I have- abundance boxy backpack- comes with built in changing pad (just unvelcro it). It's nice to have a backpack because it keeps you hands-free.

B.oba
Speaking of hands-free- you can shop, go to church, take a walk. Baby is snuggly and happy. The B.oba is easy to put on and comfortable. It has pockets for phone and debit card and a spot to clip keys. It really is worth every dollar and is a wise investment. 


[These are just my opinions. None of the links are affiliate, and I am not paid to post any of this.]

My Story

"No one here has a story quite like ours", I thought.

Baby boy lay contently in his B.oba while I stood near the edge of the crowd of people waiting for their loved ones to get off the plane. 

We had a small sign to welcome her. I scanned all around. Then, there she was. 

His genetic mom. The person who, in part, brought his little soul to the earth. And who made sure he had the opportunity to live and be in a family when he couldn't do so with her. 

It only took a few minutes to feel like I was with a friend. Even though it was nearly midnight, baby boy was right there with me, so he could be right there with her. I took him out of the B.oba when we got to the luggage claim and placed him in her arms. This sweet little blessing with the woman who, nearly 7 years ago, did shots and appointments to form him as an embryo. 

I know she loves him. He's not her son but more than a nephew. She's not just a donor. That's so cold. There are no words in the English language. In a way adoption. But my body nourished and built him. 

He looks like her. 

We spent three full days together. She was able to feed him. Rock him. Meet his extended family and visit our church and see where he might go to school. 

Before she came, she told me she wasn't sure if this trip would be a "hello" or a "goodbye". 

By the time she left, I was planning when baby boy and I would board a plane to go meet the rest of his "Oregon family". 

Openness is scary. 

She's the bravest person I know- to fly across the country and enter into the home of essentially strangers,alone, and in an emotional situation. But we both opened our hearts to each other. 

We both want baby boy to grow up knowing how loved and wanted he is by both families. I think we are doing all that's in our power to make it apparent to him. 

And a bonus- she's a friend, too. She's an experienced mom who can give me tips. We really have a lot in common. God's plans are funny like that. I wouldn't say we haphazardly chose their family, but there was a lot less thought and hope by that point. 

It all makes more and more sense. He is ours, made possible by a sacrificial gift. This was our story all along, even when we weren't sure we'd ever be parents. Even when our bank account kept dropping and I thought I couldn't do another shot. 

My heart couldn't be more grateful. 

{Note- I realize many reading have closed donations. I don't think my experience is superior in any way. It's works for us and for our donors and we both pray eventually for baby boy. But there are many paths, each beautiful in their own way. So I hope this isn't hurtful to those without openness}.

Life

I've been busy lately, but there's still plenty to write about, even now that baby boy is here. 

His genetic mom came to visit. She even stayed with us! We are heading out West at the end of the month to stay with her (and the rest of his genetic family!). 

I never would have envisioned this unfolding story. It's so beautiful, even in the pain. More to come on this. 

And now we're at the beach. We've had this trip planned since I was only a couple of months pregnant. I've had plenty of time to envision him experiencing it. 

Showing him the sunrise. He was wide eyed!

Together

(Baby boy stretching, kicking, and cooing in the morning sunshine in our hotel)

We had a great weekend at the NEDC reunion picnic, celebrating the birth of the 500th adopted embryo baby through the clinic. (Baby boy is #516) 

It was emotional to pull up and see a full parking lot. 

And seemingly typical families mingling and eating lunch. Except we were all there, with kids, thanks to many generous donors and a special clinic. 

I never could've imagined a story like this. It sucked in the valley, but the mountain is so high. I love the friendship of other EA families. You can't explain the deep connection to all these people who lead different lives all across the country. 

I'm so appreciative to be apart of an extended family like this. I hope baby boy feels the same as he grows up and begins to understand his origins. 

Completion

We went to D's company's annual benefit.

With baby boy(!!!)

It was an honor to let everyone who helped get him here see how utterly adorable he is and how eternally grateful we are. 

For two hours he took in the sights and sounds of bands playing and people marveling at him. We stood on stage briefly so D could recap our story and encourage donations for this year's charity. Baby boy joined us, propped up in my arms. He purposefully and intently scanned the room. I'm not joking. It was as if he was looking into people's eyes. 

These people love him. He is so loved. People came together, for him! 

He has such a rich story already, at only seven weeks. 

Full circle. 

The sweet reward of years of pain. 

Family. Together. Completion. 

The Breeze

Yesterday I had baby boy outside. We were walking a bit. He closed his eyes in the bright, warm sun but didn't squint or fuss. His hair was messy and damp from a deep, restful slumber in my arms. The breeze rustled his dark hair. 

I stopped. 

He almost wasn't mine. 

Had the numerous adoptive situations worked out. 

Had my first or second transfer worked out. 

He may still have been frozen in time, waiting for a family. 

I love this little life, and I'm humbled at his sweetness and perfection. 

Sailing in This Season

It's a new season. We're still on a journey, but in a different way. 

Embryo adoption has defined our lives the past year and half. I still think about embryo adoption every day. It doesn't define baby boy. It's by no means all of who he is. But it is his beginning and roots. And I honestly can't always wrap my mind around how embryos can even grow in a lab let alone travel across the country and result in a pregnancy years after they were formed. 

So most days I feel a mixture that he's mine and I know his little heart and we're connected with the reminder that he's a precious gift and a real life miracle and wasn't always mine. 

I'm really soaking in every day with him. I'm grateful that, after such a long wait, I'm able to take a full maternity leave. 

A new and precious aspect of this leave is a continued relationship with baby boy's genetic family. We've been able to FaceTime with the family as well as share pictures and videos. I can see glimpses of baby boy in his genetic parents and siblings. For us, it's a such good thing. I hope the same outcome for his genetic family, and one day for him, too, when he is old enough to understand. 

So this wild journey is not about linings and shots and appointments anymore. It's about cuddling and nurturing and a soul that is sailing. 

Amen

To all who mourn in Israel, He will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. - Isaiah 61:3

Longer

5 weeks together. 

It feels like so much longer, in a good way. 

Life had meaning and fulfillment before, but not like this. 

Baby boy depends on us. He's growing. Every day I see a new crease as he gets chubbier. He is changing every day, too. He's been alert since birth, but he can really focus in on what he's looking at now. He's cooing more and trying to find his voice. 

What a miracle that a frozen ball of cells was gifted to me and has blessed me with tiny but strong hands that hold mine. Soft, fuzzy hair and round cheeks. Dark, wise eyes and a sweet spirit. 

He's already more than I ever imagined. I'm so glad I didn't give up. And so glad that things worked out the way they did. 

D&C Part III

I had two d&c's last year. August 29th and September 3rd. 

I got another one yesterday.... Really. A year to the day pretty much. The doctor suspects I had retained placenta. 

By the third time, you're not even nervous. The worst part was being away from baby boy for about five hours. And having it done with still-healing episiotomy stitches. Ugh. 

But it wasn't traumatic or sad. He's here and that's all that matters. 

And I'm not worried like I was last time about adhesions and scarring. My uterus has done its job. 

Everything and Nothing

I'm 3.5 weeks into motherhood. It's everything I thought it would be but more and with some unexpected, too. 

It's easier in some ways. I know baby boy. His cues are easy for me to pick up on. I can anticipate his needs and normally fulfill them before he gets too upset. 

Feeding has been a burden. It's been one struggle after another. I won't let guilt corner me into feeding him one certain way. I just want what's best for him, and for us, it's just not possible to exclusively nurse him OR exclusively give him breastmilk. Right now I'm pumping what I can, which is about a fourth to third of what he needs (with prescription medicine, herbs, and a hospital grade pump). 

It was so hard to get him here. I'm not going to lose out on time with him fretting. So I'm taking it day by day. I'm just grateful we live in America in 2015 where he got donor milk and now gets the best formula money can buy. It convicts me for the mothers around the world in my situation- physically unable to sustain their baby- but without the luxury of online shopping to procure nutrition in a can at my doorstep. 

Nothing in my life works out how I plan. I had boxes of freezer bags. I was going to feed him and hopefully have enough to donate to adoptive families. It's what I envisioned. 

But he's sleeping well with a full belly from a bottle and he's growing and gaining little rolls and content and healthy. I'm so thankful for him. 

Redemption

One year ago, I was in the darkest time of my life. I couldn't even pray. I didn't understand. My heart was black. 

I have thought about it a lot lately but haven't had a chance to express myself til now because I've been busy feeding a baby and changing his diapers and snuggling him. 

Redemption. 

He's worth everything. 

There's so much pain and sacrifice and struggle til this point. It really came to a head exactly a year ago. 

And here he is. 

I had a hard time bonding with him before he got here. I don't care about genetics but wondered what it would be like looking at an unfamiliar face (all the other babies I've met have had familiarities- he has his mom's nose or she has her dad's lips). 

The second he was placed on my chest, he looked into my eyes. Yeah I was high on adrenaline. But it was a spiritual moment. I almost can't explain it. I knew him. He knew me. It seemed like I had seen him before. He was familiar. When I hold him, he fits just right. 

Obviously our bond will only grow, but I love him already. Not just oh he's cute, infatuated love. We complete each other. 

Birth Story

This is extra long, but I don't want to forget anything. The story of how baby boy came into the world...

7/29/15- Wednesday night: I went to the OB and was 1.5cm and 60% effaced. He said a 50/50 chance to have the baby on my own by my appointment next week (Wednesday). If not, they would induce me. That evening, I started getting a lot of cramping and irregular contractions, enough that I figured I better take a shower and shave my legs, just in case. Once I went to sleep, I tossed and turned a lot but did get some sleep.

7/30/15- Thursday: I woke up with contractions. They were pretty painful but not regular. I went into work so I could at least get everything situated there in case it was my last day. While I was at work they became regular and closer together. I felt overall just sick.

I called my OB around lunch and they said to go to L&D. Obviously I would do what they said, but I just kept feeling nervous that they would say "Sorry- false alarm". I turned off all my emotions at this point til I could see what they said.

Once I got there and got strapped to the monitor, I could feel contractions but couldn't see them on the screen. You can see other people's screens, too, and I felt so jealous of their screens... until a nurse pointed out that I was looking at the wrong screen. I was one of the screens I was jealous of!

Over about 3 hours, the contractions went from every 5 minutes to every 3-4 minutes and they all lasted about a minute. Hill after hill showed up on the screen. But when it was time to check me, I was exactly the same as at the appointment! I was also told I had a "weird" cervix and it felt like maybe my bladder was pushing on it. Of course I know I have a "weird" bladder because during all my transfers I held an unusually large amount of pee, during ultrasounds I didn't even feel like I needed to pee and they said it was too full to see anything, and only in the past couple weeks have I had to get up to pee at night. So great- regular, painful contractions that aren't progressing me and a weird cervix to top it off.

They asked me my birth plan. I said my only plan is I want an epidural and I want to avoid a c-section if possible. The doctor gave me the option to start induction if I wanted. Since I wanted to minimize the chance of a c-section and since the L&D unit was extremely packed to the point there wasn't even a nurse to monitor the pitocin yet (hello full moon) I opted to head home to wait and see. No point in laying flat in a hospital bed unable to eat or drink when it's not even getting me anywhere.

As the evening progressed, the contractions slowed down. Probably a good choice to not induce.

7/31/15- Friday: I tossed and turned all night. My right rib felt like it was truly broken. I didn't go into work because I felt miserable. My thoughts that day- "Back at square one: It's a very depressing place to be. I'm fine with waiting til next week if that's what is best but the unknown, the build up then let down, the excitement swirling around me (like I've said before, this is one very loved baby)... it's all very draining. I could go into a cave til next week's appointment. I know that's not the healthiest thing, but it seems the easiest.

As I should well know by now, things happen the way they are supposed to. I can't control this. It's out of my hands. It breaks my spirit, which, in this instance, is probably a good lesson.

All the November babies from "my group" have been born (except mine of course). Two on Tuesday, one today. They are healthy and perfect. We sat together nervously in the hotel lobby in Knoxville with these tiny babies that were just blibs of cells in us, and now they are warm, squirmy, crying babies. It's so amazing".

8/3/15- Monday: All weekend was more of the same. Contractions. Rib pain. Malaise. I lost my mucus plug. I decided to go into the OB as soon as they opened on Monday morning. My blood pressure was up 20 points from what it had been running all third trimester, so the OB decided to induce me a day early- later that night (officially Tuesday morning). I straightened up the house and tried to rest. I got Thai with my family and didn't have much of an appetite. D and I went to bed early to try to get a couple of hours of sleep.

I woke up at 11 PM with sharp contractions. I got up and walked around the house and sat on the birthing ball. Nothing gave me relief. I ate a piece of peanut butter toast and some cheese cubes in case it would be the last thing I was able to eat for awhile.

8/4/15- Tuesday: A little after midnight, I woke D up. I couldn't wait until our 2 AM hospital arrive time. I wanted to go NOW. I knew it was the real deal when he sloooowly sat up, took a leisurely yawn, and I wanted to punch him. I told him to hurry up and get dressed!

The L&D entrance was closed since it was the middle of the night. We went through ER admitting. They wheeled me to L&D to room 3. It was the same room I was in a little over a week before when I was dehydrated and couldn't feel him moving. The nurse said I was still 1.5 (really?!?!) but my cervix was now "paper thin". She said now that it was so thin, I should start dilating soon.

They planned to go ahead and hook me up to the pitocin, so I requested my epidural. I wanted it working before the contractions REALLY got going because I was mentally exhausted from the last 5 days. There wasn't in-house so I had to wait for the on-call provider to come. The nurse gave me a shot of stadol in my IV to tide me over. It hit me like a ton of bricks and helped take of the edge.

Around 2 AM, the anesthesia provider walked in with a wrinkly scrub top, capri jeans, and, according to D (I didn't get that far), sparkly sandals. I got really nervous that she was going to stick a needle in my spine! A tech came in to help me lean over and stay still. She was so comforting and kind. I found out we have a mutual friend and that her mom works at the day care our baby will go to. Small world! I kept waiting for some major pain, but it never came. In the epidural went, and soon I felt numb in my core but could still somewhat move my legs. The provider who seemed so flighty did an excellent job! Thank goodness!!!

A few family members started to come around breakfast time. The doctor stopped by and broke my water. I was eager for shift change so I could be checked. Mentally, I had to hear I was making progress. The day shift nurse came and said I was fully effaced and now to a 3. For the next three hours, I tried to rest. I talked to family. I tried to listen to music, but nothing sounded good. I got checked again around 10 AM. I was hoping to be at least a 4-5. That was my goal. The nurse was down there for a lot longer. She said, "You're at a 9. You can start pushing soon".

OMG!!!!!

She sat the head of the bed up and had me put my legs in a frog position. She said to let her know when I was feeling consistent pressure down low, and she'd give the doctor a call. I waited for about the next hour. No consistent pressure. The only thing I kept feeling was that my right rib had to have indeed broken. I couldn't take it anymore. Was I the first person in the history of the world to have counter pressure in their rib telling them it's time to push??

My mom pushed the call light, and the nurse came in. Yep. At a 10. Ready to push. I asked if we were going to wait for the doctor. The nurse laughed and said he would be on his way (his office is near the hospital) but that it would take quite a bit of pushing since it was my first.

I didn't really read or put much thought into the pushing part of labor ahead of time, which turned out okay. The nurse guided everything. It was hard to tell that I was making progress but she assured me I was. There was his hair, she said. It was DARK. She could feel his ear now. I kept feeling queasy and ended up throwing up.

The doctor breezed in and gowned up. By now I couldn't push only when they told me. I had to push when I felt it. What a blessing- I had no pain at all. But I could feel baby's head and I knew I had to keep going. The doctor said I was going to tear and asked to do an episiotomy. I didn't care. "Whatever you have to do!"

50 minutes of pushing later, out came sweet baby boy. 12:05 PM. He let out a cry. I was in a trance. They put him on my chest. He lifted his head up and looked at me with dark eyes. I felt like I knew him already. He was so calm and perfect.

I don't really remember the next 10-15 minutes. Everyone who was there says I held baby boy. I don't remember that. I remember the doctor who is calm as a cucumber suddenly seeming distressed. I was bleeding a lot, and the placenta wasn't coming out. They took baby boy away and went ahead and did measuring, assessing, etc. He had aunties and grandmas with him, so I wasn't worried about him. I knew he was okay. I remember feeling scared and looking at D, but no words would come out. I wasn't sure exactly what was happening, but I could sense a thick tension in the air.

The doctor said he was going to have to get the placenta out manually. By this point my epidural was apparently turned off, so I had regained a lot of feeling. They gave me another stadol shot which made me loopier than I already was, but they didn't give it time to kick fully in. I had no idea this was a possibility, but the doctor had to stick his hand inside me and fish the placenta out. It was the worst pain of my life. I remember screaming and wishing it would end. The doctor was telling the nurse to get this medicine and that medicine. She jabbed a shot in each thigh.

Everything from this point was a blur. Everything felt heavy. People were trying to help me breastfeed. A few more family members came in. I had no sense of time. I think they took baby boy away to give him a bath. My legs were no longer numb so nurses helped me get up to use the bathroom. From there, I went to the recovery room.

I would say that, overall, I had a better birth experience than I anticipated. I really didn't labor too long. Pushing didn't hurt. He got here safely. I lost out on time with him right after he was born, but at least we were reunited within the hour.

He's curled up on my chest as I type this. Nothing else matters.

Welcome Baby

8lbs, 10 oz, 20 inches, perfect in every way. Thick dark hair, very alert, very snugly. I couldn't ask for more! 

Pumpkin

Little (big) 40 week pumpkin. Whew. 

Almost There

This time last year, I knew I was pregnant but didn't know further details. That didn't turn out too well. A year later, I am days away from (God willing) meeting my baby. A different baby, but apparently the baby meant for me. I am making some progress towards labor, so more waiting for now and possibly an induction next week but at least an end of pregnancy in sight.

My nerves have settled a lot about giving birth and all the dynamics around that (mostly being in a facility and with a practice that wasn't my first choice but is my only option). I'm letting it go and trying to believe it will all be okay. It's out of my control. I've taken the best care of myself I know how, and being on this side of everything I have been through the past year, I have more mental strength than I ever knew.

I am grateful for aspects of pregnancy, but I will be relieved for it to end. Not because it's uncomfortable to be 39 weeks pregnant but because I just want my baby here safely. I want to look at him instead of hearing the dreaded doppler. I want to hold him instead of looking at toilet paper expecting blood. I want to (God willing) stay very far away from doctors offices as much as possible (yes he will get shots and check ups, but I pray for health over my whole family in this next season). I'm ready to leave the trauma behind and ENJOY what I have been blessed with.

I am also excited to see how our relationship with our loving donors will develop and grow as our baby arrives. I recently spoke with our donor mom by phone for almost an hour and am honored for them to be involved. I know this is an emotional time for them as they will look into the eyes (a picture, anyway) of the child that they sacrificed to bring into initial existence and could have potentially been in their family. He really is loved by so many people already.

I won't be giving a play by play on here as things move a long for privacy reasons, but I will be very excited to share the birth announcement here for everyone who has held me up through support and prayers.

38.5 Week Check-In

This is potentially my last check-in. Not because I am necessarily near labor but because I'm a lot more lazy. As of now, unless I go into labor in my own, induction won't be an option til another two and a half weeks.

Baby's size: A pumpkin

Total weight gain: 20 pounds

Sleep: Worse in the last month but still not horrible. I have a lot of rib pain so I flip back and forth a lot. Sometimes I sleep in the recliner. I am getting up once in the night to go pee. My nosebleeds are settling down, thankfully.

Best recent moment: Continuing to develop a relationship with our donor family <3

Miss anything: Being anonymous. Babies just make people go nuts. It's not my thing to have a lot of attention, and it wears on me to be a spectacle everywhere I go. I want to wear a shirt that says, "It's a boy, and we're expecting him early August".

Food cravings: Beef. Hamburgers, steak fajitas, etc. I haven't taken a vitamin in over a month because they are making me sick so I assume my body is trying to get iron.

Anything that makes you sick or queasy: Vitamins. Ick.

Looking forward to: Getting through labor and meeting our baby.

The internet says: He is about 7 pounds. He's basically plumping up and finishing his lung and brain development before birth.

Other milestones: I've had more braxton hicks. They're getting increasingly painful. He is way head down when the doctor checks me, but there's no progress other than that. Multiple people commented how difficult a late summer pregnancy is, but I think I'm handling it as well as non-pregnant people I know (complaining less, anyway, and I'm still alive). We'll see how the next couple of weeks go as I transition into the hottest and most humid month of the year! :)

Going All the Way

I did it once before in a not entirely public setting. Today I walked through my state's capital city unashamed. Compression socks, shorts, tennis shoes. I asked D isn't it soccer players that wear tall socks with shorts. He said yes but not when they're 9 months pregnant. 

I'm 37 weeks, 4 days. The heat index was over 105. I did the farmers market and dinner, and I didn't die from embarrassment. I still kinda have ankles, and my feet aren't even tired. I call it a success. 

Note I had to carry supplies in my hand since I didn't opt for fanny pack addition. 

Retreat

I've had the last week off since there was some PTO I had that I was unable to use during my maternity leave (thanks corporate America). It was very frustrating at first, but it's turned out to be a nice time of retreat.

Multiple people told me I would need the time to rest. And I have. I worked 7 days in a row prior to the break and had braxton hicks all weekend (days 6 and 7). No more, though, since being off work and away from all that stress.

I had a really long to-do list, and I've finished most of it. I wouldn't call it nesting because the cleaning and organizing are things I typically do anyway (I can't stand clutter).  Past cleaning, I've tried to get things done that I know will need to be done but may be difficult with a baby. Address labels and stamps for birth announcements. Check. Clear memory off phone to make room for an influx of pictures. Check. Order a gift and buy a card for our donor family. Check. Snacks for nighttime feedings. Check.

I've had plenty of time to try to mentally prepare for L&D and having a newborn without strictly worrying and focusing on the negative what-if's (that's about all I've been able to do up til this point). I'm almost fully believing "I can do it" (give birth).

Excitement still isn't my primary emotion- it hasn't been this whole pregnancy. I imagine once he gets here, though, the fear and loss issues will become more background noise since I will be able to look at him and talk to him. He won't be an abstract concept that feels barely in my grasp.

I hope I'm right. I'm ready to be able to enjoy having a long awaited member added to my family and ready to move past struggles and fear. I'm ready to meet the soul that was meant for us.

Out and About Ramblings

It is SO hot out. I had shorts and sandals so of course the sandals made edema identions into my foot. I got coconut water which was a taste I couldn't acquire no matter how hard I tried. So I stopped by Z.axbys because I love their lemonade. I ordered a water, too, for good measure. It felt a little random being alone in my car and ordering nothing but two drinks... But it was so refreshing! 

I'm working on a gift for our donors. I went to Hallmark to try to find the perfect card. I think I've posted on this before... But it's pretty tricky to find cards to express yourself in such unusual circumstances. Thank you doesn't seem like enough. But what other section do you look for a card? One day maybe an embryo adoption card can be in the "unique needs" section. They had a miscarriage one which was good to see. 

Gleaming Sign

After a very long work week, I have never been so happy to pull into a very full parking lot and see an empty space up front with a gleaming sign warmly inviting me to pull in. 

I've been trying to park in the back of lots to get my f.it bit step count up, but I guess my counts will just be down from here on out. 

Honeydew Invasion

This is what a honeydew melon looks like when it's taken over. (I've never heard of a 6+ pound honeydew that is a foot and a half but that's just what the sticker says). 

Help Parking

Pregnancy brain has to be real. 

Which can create a dilemma when parking. 

So pick the tackiest or most identifiable landmark or vehicle in the parking lot. Park next to it. Hope they don't move. 

Shop. Walk out and forget where you parked. Glance across the lot and cha-ching... There's your car!

This isn't a political blog so I'll refrain from delving into the quite easy to identify truck I parked by today. I will say I hung my head a little less when, according to the plate, it wasn't from my home state but from our friendly neighbor GA. :)

Waddling

I was walking through a store today. One visibly pregnant lady was listening to an apparently pregnant lady (apparent by conversation, not by appearance- she was maybe 5 months?). Apparently pregnant lady motioned to me and said, "See, there's another one", laughed, and, still staring at me as I walked by, laughed about how *some* pregnant people waddle. 

Really? 

I hope when she hits 8.5 months, her relaxin kicks in overtime, too. My ribs feel like they're breaking. I can't stand up without feeling like my legs are going to pop off. My tailbone feels broken. I can barely get out of bed, and it's torture to get out of my car. I was all fine and dandy til about two weeks ago, too, lady. 

I couldn't exactly turn the other cheek other than immediately exiting the store to avoid punching her. That wouldn't be very becoming now would it? 

Still TBD if I walked, waltzed, or waddled out. 

Latest on the Changing Table

Do you see what I see? A stubborn cat laying in the sun on a chair. He's also recently been spotted UNDER the crib (good boy). 

But since I moved the changing table away from the window, took the pad off, and put junk on it- he hasn't tried to get up there! (In case you're wondering, I didn't return the grim reaper- even though it totally doesn't live up to its description of 'motion sensored'- because I'm too tired and lazy. And it is still perched up on the changing table in the off chance the cat jumps up there). 

Maybe in 5 or so weeks when my child gets here, he won't have to lay in a pile of cat hair 10x a day to get his diaper changed! 

To Come This Far

Most everyone worries during pregnancy, from what I've heard and observed. Nervous for labor pains. Hoping the baby is healthy. A little neurotic with nesting.

I had anxiety to begin with. I always have. A lot of my anxiety revolves around being prepared. I took a two day class, bought three books and a cd, and spent numerous hours making flash cards before my professional licensure test. Vacations can be difficult with me. I want to research and plan for everything. Everyone has a vice- control is mine.

This process to have a child, every step of the way, has challenged me. I have had very little control. I took the medicine and ordered top quality donor sperm. Nope. I perfected a profile book that was literally my heart on paper but it mostly sat at the adoption agency collecting dust. Again and again, doors closed.

This challenged me. And my faith. But I believed the right situation would come.

Finally, a pregnancy. Two great betas. Then an ultrasound with a sac and fetal pole. This was it.

But it slipped through my grasp.

Medical complication after complication for myself and for my husband. Nothing we could do but keep hoping the pain and struggles would come to an end. It was a dark cloud for almost a year.

And pregnancy after loss and fertility treatments and medical complications has not been easy. This trauma programs you to expect more loss. One thought can spiral into certain demise.

The anxiety I have managed for so long became a trap. I went to counseling with a wonderful, skilled therapist. I leaned on my faith. It helped but not enough. I couldn't control the intrusive thoughts, the compulsions to have control, the what-if's, the expecting the worst, the constant researching and obsessing over medical issues.

How could I have come this far, only weeks away from (God willing) holding my son in my arms, and be so paralyzed?

It wasn't a decision I made lightly by any means. The mere anxiety surrounding harming my baby I've worked so hard to bring to the earth was enough to stop me in my tracks.

I came to realize that it wasn't going to get better without trying something else. My biggest priority is the health and wellbeing of my baby, but how healthy was he, really, being flooded with stress hormones?

And how would it be for him to get here and all I am able to do is feed him but obsess was it enough, and lay him to sleep but obsess if he was still breathing? I didn't come this far for that to be my baby's beginning to life. All babies are a miracle, but mine is of course the biggest miracle in my own eyes. There has been trauma with his early days, but he doesn't know that. He doesn't know he had a sister I lost. He doesn't know I had bleeds that made me certain he was dead. All he should know right now is that he is very loved by me, his dad, and our entire circle of family and friends. He deserves that, and so do I.

It was time for me to be ready to fully open my heart to the risks of loving someone. There's no reason for me to expect he will die or I will die (I was to that point, and got a will made in case I did die). All of our lives are but a vapor. I can think of so many instances where God has had His hand on my life. God has done the same, already, for my son. I knew that without a shadow of a doubt, but I couldn't live it no matter how hard I tried, if that makes sense.

So, I started this tiny green pill called Z.oloft. It's typically used for depression but can also help with anxiety. It helps the brain have more steady serotonin supply. Apparently I really was trying all I could, because while the medicine is not a cure... it has markedly improved my anxiety. It takes the edge off. I don't feel as hypervigilant. My pulse doesn't race as bad, and my chest doesn't feel as tight. It's easier for me to use my skills from therapy to help reframe or control my anxiety when my brain isn't a constant barrage of worry.

Anxiety is real. It's not a weakness or something you can snap out of or will yourself not to have or even necessarily something you can pray away (you pray with cancer, but you still take the treatments, right?). Anxiety is a common response to infertility and loss. Reproductive trauma. Trauma changes your brain. Therapy can certainly help, but I can say for me it was not enough on its own. And that's okay. I don't want others to feel alone in their struggles, which is why I share this.

I am so grateful to have the resources to address this on this side of pregnancy. I am hopeful for a safe and beautiful birth and a long, slow, peaceful maternity leave with my little guy. I have fought to see his face. He will be here soon enough, and everything about my life will change. I don't deserve this. I'm so very blessed!

Ridiculous

When heat and stretching aren't enough for back pain. 

Thank you A.mazon Prime. 

It looks pretty ridiculous. We'll see if it helps.... 

34 Week Check-In

Not sure how much of a weekly check-in this is since I haven't done one in 8 weeks, but here ya go...

Baby's size: Butternut squash

Total weight gain: Around 15 pounds

Sleep: Sleeping better than I was at 26 weeks. I have the body pillow positioning perfected. I keep an extra pillow under my feet. And I am experimenting with an extra pillow under my ribs. I pretty much sleep through the night other than flipping like a rotisserie every 2ish hours. I am a rare person- I still don't get up to pee, and if I do it's not til maybe an hour before I get up. Everyone says the lack of sleep during pregnancy is to prepare you for the baby. Will my boy be a good sleeper? Or am I jinxing myself?

Best recent moment: We've had two more showers. Everyone loves this baby so much! And having an ultrasound yesterday. It's always reassuring to see him.

Miss anything: Feta cheese, my taste for veggies and salads (I can eat them but I feel ambivalent towards them). At the last check in, I thought I wouldn't be able to bend very much longer. I can still tie my shoes and shave my legs (though not as easily).

Food cravings: Fruit, Sprite Zero

Anything that makes you sick or queasy: Still not normal with my chicken. So I have pretty much lost a staple of my diet. I also still feel sick taking vitamins in the morning. It's hard to remember them if I wait til later in the day.

Looking forward to: Last minute touches. Installing car seat base. Practicing with my wraps and B.oba. Hoping I go into labor on my own on the Friday night before my due date so I can finish the work week and not be induced.

The internet says: He is 4.2-5.8 pounds (ultrasound puts him at the high end of this range). He can recognize songs. Too bad I haven't sung to him, unless it is in the car.

Other milestones: He moves frequently enough to let me know he's okay but isn't wild. A few times I've felt like I have a broken rib but I think it's more stretching vs. him kicking. I may be partial, but I think he is a good, sweet baby. <3

Boys, if there are any, can stop reading here. As far as symptoms, my main ones are carpal tunnel (no one ever said that was a "thing"), swollen ankles fairly controlled with compression socks, my stomach has gotten so high it merged with my bra line (disturbing- thank goodness for band expanders), my lower back hurts (trying to use heat and stretching), heartburn well controlled with z.antac, and a lot of pressure when I stand up (I feel like I need to pee when I don't- his big old head is down there now, though). Oh and most disturbing of all, I've never had a yeast infection in my life and have had two since pregnant. What the heck?

Ultrasound 11

Baby boy looked great today. 77th percentile. 5 lbs, 11 oz (+\- 7 oz). He was yawning, moving his hands up to his face, and practicing breathing. He is for sure head down so hoping he stays that way. He still has a head full of hair apparently. (My heartburn is pretty intense. So we'll see if he comes out with this hair the ultrasound techs see. If he does I think it'll be the first old wives tale that's been true). 

It's always relieving and reassuring to get good updates. I really can't ask for more.