Russian Adoptions

There has been a lot of talk in the news the past few days about the situation of Russia wanting to ban American adoptions. It is a really heartbreaking situation. The ban is effective next week and will affect 200-250 families who are already matched with children in Russia. Almost 50 of these adoptions were nearly complete. Many of the families have already met the children and were just waiting on paperwork to go through.

Russia says the reason for the ban is the rare situations when things go wrong for adopted children once they come to the US (this story talks about a couple of cases- http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/10/world/europe/10russia.html?pagewanted=all). Apparently, though, on December 14, President Obama signed the Magnitsky Act which punishes Russians accused of human rights violations. If Russians violate human rights, they can't travel to the US or own property/assets here. This made the Russian government mad, so it seems the adoption ban is really a response to this act.

Some people in the US actually support this ban, saying there are plenty of kids in the US to adopt. My answer to that is that the very people saying this rarely take any action to actually help kids who need families, so they have no place to make that decision for those who do adopt. There are different types of adoptions for different types of families, and none is right or wrong. There are a lot of considerations, and I think all kids regardless of where they live should have the opportunity to be adopted if a family feels they are capable of doing so.

Say a prayer for these families who have invested so much time, money, and heart into adopting from Russia. Say another prayer for the 740,000 orphans in Russia who will have a much slimmer chance of leaving their orphanages in exchange for a family.

Source: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/12/28/world/europe/putin-to-sign-ban-on-us-adoptions-of-russian-children.html?pagewanted=2&_r=0

"If You Want Me To"

Changing Directions

We asked DCS to close our home to placements. There aren't hard feelings but we weren't able/willing to parent the situations they had available. I know we were only active for three months, but there were several things that made it evident it just was not going to work out. I won't get into all of them on here. It makes me sad because I know so many kids with DCS need love and stability, but in the end we can only do what we feel comfortable with.

So right now we're saving lots of money and scheduled to attend an agency orientation in January. This is by no means an easier road, so there will probably be plenty more bumps ahead.

Foster Care in the Media: Flashpoint: "Run to Me"

The new episode of Flashpoint is about a teenage girl who becomes a bank robber after getting sucked in to a crime gang. She is a homeless, runaway teen who is leaving foster care because each foster home was horrible to her- one "foster brother had grabby hands", another never even looked for her when she left.

It's such a disservice to only show the general public this "picture". Can't foster kids ever be portrayed as law abiding, relatively happy individuals? Why are foster homes always shown to be abusive or willing to let kids disappear without calling the police or contacting the foster care agency?

Room Tour: Kids Room

Again, a challenge to do a gender neutral room for a wide variety of ages, but I had fun picking things out. Toys are contained in the activity table storage bins, brown storage bins in closet, and on shelf in closet.

Beds/mattresses- Given by family member and spraypainted white
Nature duvet- Vandring Rav from Ikea
Striped duvet- From Ikea but purchased from Ebay
Lamp- Target clearance
Map- From Etsy and frame from Joanns
Nightstand and dresser- Given by family members
Bunting- From Etsy
Table/chairs- RiverRidge Kids Activity Table from Walmart
Shelving unit- ClosetMaid Cubeicals from Target
Manners art- from Etsy and hung with shoelaces and clothes pins from Dollar Tree

Room Tour: Nursery

Nursery

Crib

Art from book pages: "The world is so full of a number of things,
I'm sure we should all be as happy as kings".

Pinterest-inspired craft

DIY art

Dresser

Bookshelf

 

 

It was a challenge to come up with a gender neutral room that is ready for a baby anywhere from newborn to about to graduate from the crib. I got the look I wanted with a lot of DIY and thrift store finds.

Crib- Sundvik from Ikea
Crib Mattress- Vyssa Vinka from Ikea
Sheets- aden + anais "Up, Up, and Away Elephant" from Amazon
Grey knit blanket- Crocheted by a dear friend 
Book page art on walls and dresser- Thrift store book "A Child's Garden of Verses" by RL Stevenson and Ikea frames
Hoop art- Inspired from Pinterest (I lost the link) and made by me (cut out shapes with fabric and sewed via thick thread)
Verse art- Made by me on Word and Hobby Lobby frame
Milk glass mirror- Thrift store
Quilt- Family heirloom
Dresser- Repainted a dresser given from family member
Shelf- Expedit from Ikea and baskets from Ikea

Three More Calls

We've had three more calls- 2 for a sibling group of three where all of the kids were school aged and 1 for a baby that needs a stay at home parent due to injuries and possible medical issues. So, still no placement yet.

Six calls already in less than a month. Fifteen total kids. And this is just in my county/immediate area, and is probably not even all of the kids that have come into custody in that time. It really shows the need for more foster families, especially ones where people have the space and experience to parent elementary school aged sibling groups.

Two More Calls

We've gotten two more calls already, but we aren't qualified for either of them. The first was a sibling group of three elementary school age children removed by CPS in the middle of the night. This would have been a temporary placement until they could go with relatives, but we don't have three beds. We both would have loved to help on this one. I felt so sad when we had to say no. I can imagine how scared they were to come into foster care in the middle of the night. :(

The other call was for a teenage girl. We're not comfortable with parenting any teenager right now, even on a temporary basis. So, that was an easy "sorry, but no".

Foster Care in the Media: SVU

Law and Order- SVU is one of my favorite shows, and unfortunately is one of the biggest offenders for misportraying foster care.

Season 3, Episode 9 "Care": A 5 year old girl in foster care "Cassie" is killed... First, DCS doesn't even contact the biological mom, and she has to find out from the detectives coming to her door to question her boyfriend. The biological mom took the other two children from the foster home (kidnapped them and was taking a bus out of state).

It all comes out... the foster parent let previous kids live in soiled clothes and missed appointments. When the detectives confront the foster care agency, they make excuses while she was allowed to continue being a foster parent and eventually care for the above sibling group. Then, the foster grandmother trumps all that, and it is revealed she is the one who beat Cassie to death with her cane... after forcing Cassie to drink a lot of water and wet the bed.

Yes, there are times biological parents take off with children (although it's rare), and foster parents are abusive... but these events are in the minority. When this is the only face shown to foster care, it is very misleading.

Foster Care in the Media: Pretty Little Liars

I have always had a soapbox about the way foster care is portrayed in the media. The news loves to rehash isolated incidents. Fictional shows feed the stereotype that foster parents are in it for the money, foster children are pathological, and CPS workers could care less and "lose" kids on their caseload. So, I will be doing an ongoing post of pointing these stereotypes out.

In Pretty Little Liars, one of the characters, Caleb, is in foster care. His foster mom, Janet, berates him when she comes to the school. He hates living with her so much he is homeless at times and living with other characters' families at times- all so he won't have to go "home". It is pointed out several times that she still receives a check for him, although he is not staying with her. She is portrayed as a cruel, money hungry lady. The show portrays him as able to live elseswhere and CPS never notices or cares.

Welcome Packet

Our "welcome packet" came today, which is a giant informational packet on everything from the foster parent bill of rights...to policy information... to resource information... to copies of forms to bring to the doctor and to get filled out when going out of state... and everything in between. It actually has some handy things.

It sure is interesting to be on the other side of this. For several years, I was the one who filled out the placement checklist for foster parents. Now I will be on the receiving end. I was the one who had to backtrack with doctors offices when foster parents forgot to fill out the form and get it signed at appointments. I better keep a stack of copies in my car so I'm not "that person". :) It is still a lot, but definitely less intimidating since I am familiar with a lot of what's in the packet. We'll see!

What's New in Adoption?

I subscribed to Adoptive Families magazine. Once I smoothed out all the pages (our postman crumbled it all up in our mailbox), I really enjoyed reading it. There was an interesting article with recent laws, rulings, and study results that affect adoptive families, so I thought I'd share some of the information.

1. Domestic adoptions decreasing
There were 18,078 domestic infant adoptions in 2007 (last National Council for Adoption survey... the next one should be done this year) compared to 22,291 domestic infant adoptions in the previous survey in 2002. One major reason for this is most never-married mothers choose to parent; 9% of never-married mothers made adoption plans in the 1970s whereas less than 1% do now.

2. Change afoot in intercountry adoption
Intercountry adoptions fell 16% in the past year from 11,059 to 9,319. This is a 16 year low. There are multiple reasons for this including policy changes and tightened restrictions in many countries as well as increasing travel times and costs. The top sending countries are China, Ethipoia, Russia, South Korea, and Ukraine. 

3. Foster adoption: on the rise until 2010
There were 52,891 children adopted from the foster care system in 2010 (down from 57,466 the year before). The 2011 numbers are still being calculated, so only time will tell if this area of adoption is also declining, too.

4. Adoption tax credit set to expire
This one is a biggie. The current credit is $12,650 (non-refundable) and helps defray the costs of adoption. If there is no new legislation, starting next year there will be a credit of only $6,000 that is for special needs children only. There is a current act in Congress but there doesn't seem to be a good chance it will be passed. You can advocate here and track the progress and send a letter to your legislator here.

5. Openness in adoption is increasing
There was a major report released in 2012 that says only 5% of adoptions are closed infant adoptions (meaning birth family and adoptive family have no contact with each other), 40% are mediated (meaning birth family and adoptive family stay in contact with each other through a third party such as the adoption agency), and 55% are open (meaning the birth family and adoptive family directly exchange information and have visits to some extent).

Credit to Adoptive Families magazine including contributor Elisa Rosman, Ph.D.

Our first call

We had our first call this week... for a sibling group of 4, all under 10 years old. Nope, not equipped for that. :) Still waiting, waiting.

Homestudy Approved

I heard the homestudy is approved. We have a home visit later this month with the case manager from our county. I suppose we'll know more then. :)

And I am copying and pasting the timeline into this blog post. It took about 5 months from start to finish:
4/19/12- Inquired into PATH classes (to become foster parent)
4/30/12- Started PATH classes
6/7/12- Finished PATH classes
7/5/12- Homestudy visit #1
7/11/12- Homestudy visit #2
7/24/12- Homestudy visit #3
9/5/12- Notified homestudy approved

Waiting for Stamp of Approval

The home study process is complete. Yay! Now that the "report" is written and our house is set up to standards, we just have to wait for two supervisors to approve the report. Once that happens, our home will be open for placement. This final approval process will probably take about a month. Let the count down begin!

Forward Motion

In the last week or so, I've hit a few annoyances. We now have a home phone thanks to Magic Jack Plus. I was pretty bitter having to spend $80 for one (we wanted the "Plus" version that doesn't have to be plugged into a computer since we both have laptops- really, $80?!? I was thinking it would be 15 bucks tops). But, the State says in order to be a safe household, you must have a home phone.

Our medication has to be literally locked (not just secured with a childproof knob lock). If you know me, you know I hate clutter, so I cringed at the thought of a gaudy lockbox sitting on my counter. We rearranged a couple of cabinets and have ordered a lock for one cabinet so all the medication can be secured in there. It's been a big project because apparently most people don't install locks on their cabinets so finding one that fits was tough.

It makes me feel belittled. I'm a cautious person (D says I take after my mom... hi mom!). I would take precautions above and beyond reasonable to protect any child in my home. It's can be difficult to have so many guidelines over you. At times I feel angry: "What other parent that I know has to go through this? What about all of the people who willy nilly have kids and fly by the seat of their pants? Why do they get to do what they want?"

Then, I remember that every guidelines is set up because something bad has happened before to some kid somewhere. The ultimate goal is to protect kids who are vulnerable and are only in this situation in the first place because they weren't protected. I have to adjust my attitude and take the guidelines with grace.

We didn't chose this path; it chose us. The process continues to be a humbling experience. Finances revealed, body parts inspected, opening up our homes and lives for critiquing. I know this is really only the beginning.

For those wondering, we have one more visit/check in. Our home study should be finished in about 2-3 weeks!

Finally to a Home Study

Next week is our first of three home study visits by the case manager. This will include a walk through of our house. The purpose of this is to make sure the house is clean and safe for kids. Although some of it is a given for most people (stable heat supply, garbage disposed of in a sanitary way, etc), we've had to make a few modifications.

Things that will be evaluated include making sure our water isn't too hot (less than 120 degrees), having emergency number list posted, having smoke and carbon monoxide detectors, having fire extinguishers, having a flashlight (somehow flashlights always disappear around here, so this one could become a problem!), all weapons made inoperable and stored in locked cabinet separate from ammunition, all medications and cleaning supplies are locked, and pets are current on shots.

This meant buying a carbon monoxide detector (we never had one), some extra flashlights, tons of safety things (door knob protectors, cabinet locks, etc), and temporarily getting rid of weapons until we have the space to put a lock box. I had to rearrange our cleaning supplies to put them all in one place to more easily lock them up. I still need to rearrange our medication storage so they are all in one place more easily locked up, as well. I had to develop and draw out a fire escape plan. We cleaned out our spare bedroom and have been getting it ready.We had a long night of exploring our water heater... to find you can't adjust temperature through the heater itself since it has a mechanism to mix hot water with cool water when it's put out through the faucet.

D bought a new car last month, so we're still in the process of getting it registered in our county. We'll need to show that proof of registration. We both still need to get to the doctor to get our thumbs up that we are healthy enough to parent. With me changing jobs, our health insurance, income, and some bills are changing... which means another round of updating our budget and income documentation.

All cleaning things behind a handle cover

Baby gates

Plug covers

Requirements to Become Resource Parents

Because several people have asked, here is some information on TN's requirements of becoming a resource parent:

You can be married or single. You have to be at least 21 years old (18 if you're becoming resource parents to care for a relative). You have to be mentally and physically healthy enough to parent (a physician must agree to this). You have to make enough money to provide for the kids without the state board payment and have stable housing. You shouldn't smoke in your home or car with the kids.You should be able to work with birth parents as well as DCS.

Baby "J"

UPDATE 9/22/12: $457 raised in Chip In/cash donations directly to me), $870 raised on GiveForward, $560 raised at yard sale, $200 raised at spaghetti supper... $2087 raised towards Baby J's adoption. The $457 was the amount I came up with, and I paid the attorney on 7/19/12. Legal proceedings have begun.

UPDATE 6/30/12: $425 raised on Chip In, $275 raised on GiveForward, and $560 raised at a yard sale today! That means a total of $1,260 has been raised to get started on Baby J's adoption. This will be given to the lawyer as a retainer to get started soon ($1,000 was the minimum needed to begin). A spaghetti supper is being planned for July 14. Details to follow.

UPDATE 6/29/12: $425 raised so far. Only $75 left to hit my goal of $500!

UPDATE 6/23/12: $325 raised so far.

UPDATE 6/22/12: $295 raised so far. Thanks to all the generous people who have given!

UPDATE 6/21/12:  $145 raised so far. It should be showing up soon on the Chip In below (I had to verify the paypal account I set up for this before it would show up).

I have a heartfelt request to make. I have very close family friends who have temporary custody of a sweet 11 month baby boy "J". Both birth parents had a variety of issues why they aren't able to take care of "J", so my family friends went to court at his birth to get custody so they could make sure "J" was taken care of (they are related to one of the parents).

"J" is now happy, healthy, and bonded to their whole family- mom, dad, and three kids. Now that the year mark is approaching, they want to give "J" all he deserves, which is permanency. That is just a fancy way of saying he has stability, a "forever family", and he is fully theirs just like their three birth kids.

In order to accomplish that, they will have to go back to court to terminate the birth parents' rights and go through the adoption process. This is a fairly expensive feat and could range anywhere from $3,000-$6,000 depending on how much the birth parents fight back.

I really believe when people do the right thing, society needs to pitch in and help. This baby didn't go to foster care and didn't languish with parents who weren't able to provide for his needs. This happened because a family opened up their hearts and, so far, have sacrificed to provide for "J's" needs.

The family is having a yard sale next weekend to kick things off. If you live locally and have things to donate, please email or call me. I am helping plan a food event (maybe a spaghetti supper) in the near future to raise money. I am also going to put up a chip in button so if you are unable to be apart of these things, you can still give. I will give all donations to the family and am aiming to help them raise $500.

Would you consider helping them take this final step to give "J" the chance to grow up knowing he is forever apart of a loving family?

Graduation

Completion certificate- yay!

All our certificates for the seven classes we went to as well as all the homework we completed

Well, we have officially finished all of our classes as of last week. We're now "certified" in cultural awareness, understanding the child welfare system, understanding the impact of trauma, effective discipline, CPR, first aid, and administering medication. It was all very familiar given our backgrounds in social work and psychology and my past work in child welfare, but it was something we had to finish.

The next step is making sure our house is ready for a walk through.This is less about cleaning baseboards and windows and more about making sure certain safety criteria is met. I'll share more about that soon.

I hear we should expect to wait 30-60 days for the walk through to happen. At this time, the social worker will meet with us to check out our house and get all the documentation we've rounded up (proof of car insurance and registration, income documentation, vet documentation, marriage and birth certificates, etc). The social worker will then write the home study (what I like to think of as the book report on us).

We already have most of our paperwork together. There's a few things we're missing since I just started a new job and D just bought a new car, but we'll be getting all that soon. We both have to get to our PCP for a physical soon, though.

What We've Been Doing

Homework and classes. Watching Dvds. Filling out forms. Gathering documents.

What Does It Take to Become a Resource Parent?

Several people have asked me about the process to become certified, so I thought I'd give some more details. (And by the way, resource parent is the newer term for foster parent... I will probably use both because while I was trained to say resource parent, I still say foster parent most of the time).

• Seven courses including orientation, understanding the child welfare system, impact of trauma on children, effective discipline for hurt children, cultural exploration, medication administration, and CPR/first aid.
• Home visits/interviews- there will be at least four of these including one as a walk through of our home to make sure we don't have any loose guns, danger/filth, and that we have smoke and carbon monoxide detectors, fire extinguishers, a written fire exit plan, etc.
• Tons of paperwork- marriage certificate, proof of employment, monthly budget, form from our PCP saying we're healthy enough to parent, references, proof our cats are up to date on shots, copies of vital documents, etc.
• Background checks including fingerprints, local background check, meth offender check, sex offender check, felony offender check, and child abuse offender check
• Agree to some things like discipline policy (no corporal punishment, no cruel punishment), confidentiality (when we are fostering, the details of the removal/child are on a need to know basis), and child restraint laws (follow all the car seat, booster seat rules)

Once we complete all of this, a home study will be written for our family. The home study talks about our individual pasts, our relationship, and our home, jobs, & routine. I think of it as a "book report" on our lives. All of the above documentation as well as the home study will stay on file. Once it is, we will be able to accept placements.

Started Classes

Last night was our first foster parent class (or PATH, Parents As Tender Healers). We had an introductory presentation and filled out an application, fingerprint form, and some other demographic paperwork. We also have some homework this week. D said he didn't do homework in college, and he is disappointed he has to start now. :) We have six more classes after this. 

At a Cross Road

I finally have more of an update...

Obviously there are pros and cons to any decision we make (international adoption, domestic adoption on our own, domestic adoption through an agency, foster care). Going into this, we both fully expected to do domestic adoption through an agency. We met with two, and they both had a lot of advantages over other local agencies, such as being on a sliding scale (although that still means a cost of about $15,000-$23,000 for our income level!) and not doing "pass through" costs (this means that if you get "matched" and pay fees, then the birth parent(s) change their mind and decide to parent, you are not out the fees you paid). 

But... one agency has a high ratio of waiting families to placements which means it can take quite awhile to get a match. Also, they were encouraging us to get our home study through them and then branch out and work with out of state agencies at the same time. This can lead to a lot of financial risk and the potential to have to travel out of state and stay there several weeks before being authorized to leave- which we don't want to do. The other agency is having major budget reductions and laid off two employees this month. We don't want to invest our savings into a situation like this, either.

So, we are starting the process to become foster parents. The first step is taking a series of weekly classes. We're signed up, and they start this coming week. Given my background, we know the risks this entails. There is little financial risk but there is plenty of emotional risk. Talking with a wise friend made me realize there is plenty of emotional risk with being a parent, period. You can have a miscarriage or stillbirth. Your child can die of SIDS or cancer or in a car wreck. Even if we adopted domestically, birth parents have ten days to revoke their surrender (and this ten days doesn't usually start until at least a week after the birth).

D and I are going into this with the understanding eventually whatever child is meant to permanently be apart of our family will come to us. Whether that is the first child we take care of or not, we will love anyone placed with us. I know it would be a huge loss for a child to return home after x amount of time in our home, but I also know we have plenty of loving and supportive people in our lives to be there for us. And, I believe if we've been led here, we will have what we need to get through it.

Positive Adoption Language

Adoption language is something that I noticed on my own before learning about it school. I hate words like "real parent" and "illegitimate child". Before starting the adoption process, I hated seeing every adopted child prefaced as one ("This is Lewis, their adopted child"). Like I heard someone say once, no one would introduce a child as "Lewis, the failed birth control baby". How they became a part of the family is not a qualifier as to their role in the family!

I am copying this from adoptivefamilies.com, so all the credit goes to them... The way we talk—and the words we choose—say a lot about what we think and value. When we use positive adoption language, we say that adoption is a way to build a family just as birth is. Both are important, but one is not more important than the other.

Choose the following positive adoption language instead of the negative talk that helps perpetuate the myth that adoption is second best. By using positive adoption language, you’ll reflect the true nature of adoption, free of innuendo.

Paths

Just a short update- D and I have now met with two local agencies and gotten information from at least 15 other agencies. We're closer to a decision but adoption can mean so many things and there are so many paths there that we're trying to take the time to be as sure as we can that we're where we need to be. We appreciate thoughts, encouragement, and especially prayers! Hopefully I'll have more of an update soon.

Baby Steps

I'm creating this blog to document our adoption process. I would say we're in the beginning stages of adoption, but truthfully, it was a long journey just to get to this point! We've sifted through piles of information on agencies and are making a final decision on which agency to apply through.

My main purpose for this blog is to keep a journal of what happens both for us to remember as well as to inform our friends and family. I'm sure I will have some soapbox moments, too, so please humor me.

Since I'm sure you're wondering, a short synopsis of what brought us to this point...

D and I both imagined we might adopt "one day". One of D's favorite memories was working at an orphanage in Portugal for a week during college. While the majority of my foster kids at work went home, I was fortunate to witness seven of my DCS kids be adopted into loving families.

D has CMT which means he lives an ordinary life but has been through more than his fair share of pain. Since this is inherited, he decided he didn't want to have his own biological kids. A way to experience our own pregnancy was to use a sperm donor- except it didn't work because I have unexplained infertility. After three rounds of treatments and a big fat nothing, it was time to move on.

So, here we are, leaving one uncertainty for another. We'll be applying soon and saving money in the meantime! We fully expect this to be a lengthy process, but I'm sure we will have lots of exciting things to share along the way.