"That Was Horrendous"

Our cat sympathizes with our plight and joins in on the fun!

As if we haven't been through enough misery in this process, we had to watch a required dreadful webinar online.

Ok, maybe it wasn't fully miserable. But Daniel's closing statement was "That was horrendous. My high school speech teacher would have stopped her three minutes into it, said, 'Go home and re-read over it and come back tomorrow'."

The webinar focused on the value of openness in embryo adoption. It had plenty of true information, but it reiterated the same thing over and over for almost an hour. It wasn't anything Daniel and I hadn't already discussed and decided upon... almost three years ago when we first thought about donor sperm. Fifty minutes into it, Daniel choked: "Ok, we get it. Don't keep it a secret from the kid!!!"

And, it had a couple pet peeves. Daniel is doing this public speaking thing at work, so he is especially attune to "umm"... which the lady said sometimes up to four times in a single sentence. And me, being the conscientious MSW I am, took offense that every single picture in the slides was of a cheerful Caucasian baby, child, or family. Are white folks the only ones adopting embryos? I think not.

Anyway, just another step on the long staircase of embryo adoption. It gave us plenty to laugh about. It was ALMOST as good as the foster care first aid class we took in a near-by but assuredly much more rural county in which:
1) Couple sitting next to us brushed their teeth with wisps during class while they wore sunglasses inside
2) Guy sitting in front of us had a self-shaved head with a giant missed stripe
3) There was a family that was a clone of Duck Dynasty
4) The (ignorant) teacher said it was important for all foster parents to wear latex gloves when they touch the newbie foster kids... because you just never know.

Homestudy Being Reviewed

Our homestudy has made the 750+ mile trek from our agency to our clinic to the reviewer. Thank goodness, in the digital age that can mean only a matter of minutes.

I am unsure what exactly is being reviewed, but hopefully everything that needs to be in there will be found. Then, the next step will be getting some profiles!

Homestudy Update Day

Last night, D and I had a little cleaning party to get ready for our homestudy update visit today. We generally keep our house fairly tidy, but it isn't always company-ready. There's normally a couple dishes in the sink, and there's almost always clean laundry to be folded (which may or may not be piled on the side of the couch).

Bitterness easily creeps in. "Who else has to clean their house to show they are fit to parent a child?"

Maybe not too many others. But at least we have a house to clean, and money to pay for a homestudy. At least we get along so we can just start cleaning and the tasks divide themselves. At least this process isn't a heavy secret for us but is a burden we share with our supportive loved ones.

No Pressure

In the quest to expeditiously update our homestudy, D and I have been rushing to and fro to complete the requirements. We have to re-prove we're not abusing drugs, we're still healthy and TB free, we haven't committed any new crimes, our cats are healthy, and our cars are registered and insured (had to get old Mable, the truck, up to date! Ooops).

Yesterday I went to get my blood taken for my annual physical, and part of that is peeing in a cup. Fine, no big deal. Except when the next stop is to get fingerprinted and do a urine drug screen! I realized my quandary and hoped my kidneys could do their thing so I didn't have to make an extra trip later to be drug screened. As I chugged a bottle of water on the way, I thought how perplexing it is that my bladder is so integral in this whole process of becoming a parent (note the 60 oz of water in Knoxville incident). 

Sometimes, this process is just weird.

Homestudy Addendum Done!

Happy Friday to us! Our homestudy addendum is complete! Next steps will be the clinic receiving the homestudy and it being reviewed (not expecting any problems there since our agency routinely does homestudies for this purpose)...  then the patient coordinator will get some match suggestions together for us to review.

Officially Waiting

Our homestudy was approved yesterday, and today we received a copy of it in the mail! This means if an expectant parent goes to our local office (or looks online), they would have the opportunity to meet with us if their situation matches up with what we are comfortable with. At this point, everything is out of our control: Who? When? Where? That's very nervewracking to me!

But, we are one step closer to our child, and for that I am grateful. 

Profile Photobook

Everything is starting to become more real. For so long, it's felt like our adoption is just a story. So many people ask about it (I do appreciate the care and concern!), but it doesn't feel real to repeat details that move at a snail's pace. "We will pick an agency, then do a preapplication, then a formal application, then fill out a bunch more paperwork, then wait to be approved". Everytime someone asks, it all seems so theoretical.

And now, here we are, nearly about to be waiting!

We finally finished our profile photobook, which is what the agency will show expectant parents who are considering making an adoption plan. I'm such a perfectionist, so I have put so much time, thought, and heart into these 19 pages. How do you really convey who you are in 19 pages, anyway??

It includes an expectant parent letter (or "Dear Birthmother" letter but I hate that wording), which introduces us. I'm leaving that out to keep a little bit of sacred, but here is the rest to give all our loving friends and family an idea of what this part of the process is about (and to maybe give other prospective adoptive parents ideas... I loved looking at other examples online while I was making this).

The book was made through Mixbook, my most favorite photobook website! Our hard copies (one for us to keep because I'm sentimental and four for the agency to use in their local offices) will be here in ten days!

(Family page with pictures of us and our immediate family)

 

Adoption Fashion?

For those who are pregnant, there is maternity fashion. In the adoption world, there is an occasional opportunity to dress for the adoption. See, we are working on our photo profile book that will be shown to expectant parents. We took a couple of pictures today for the cover and some other random places within the book.

It's a little nerve wracking to take the picture that will be the first impression when your profile
book is shown. It almost felt like getting ready for a first date. Neither of us are the most fashion forward people, so with the help of a friend, we found the perfect, spring but not sugary, outfits.

I got a cute, flattering dress and cardigan from Old Navy (both 40% off in the outlet, may I add) as well as a necklace and bangles from Charlotte Russe that coordinated with Daniel's shirt.

Daniel wore this shirt from Old Navy (also 40% off) along with medium washed jeans he already had.

I keep wondering why I'm so exhausted...

Pre-application- check
Formal application including statement of faith and spiritual questionnaire- check
References- check... or I hope so; I hope they're all returned :)
22 pages of SAFE forms about our relationship and growing up years- check
Home walk-through- check
Financial agreement- check
First couple's homestudy meeting- check (and no thanks to Nissan)
96 questions answered for our "self studies"- check
Drug screens- check
Physicals with our doctor- check
Fingerprinting- check
50ish pages of signed paperwork and documentation (yes our cats are vaccinated, we're healthy as horses, we don't have tb, we have someone to raise our future child should we die, we were really born when we said we were, we were really married when we said we were, we really do have health insurance, we will appropriately discipline our child, here is our budget/expenses/assets for the third time, here is our family tree, yes we will tell you if anything in our lives changes, yes we are okay with our personal information being shared with expectant parents, yes we have driver's licenses, yes our cars and registered and insured)- check
8 hours of online training- check (yes, 8 hours- it is tracked, not that I learned from the hard way or anything)

Still left- designing a profile book using online website and getting it printed, individual homestudy meetings, and service plan meeting (discussing what situations we are open to).... then just doing some required reading and continue saving while we wait

My Lucky Day?

Today was nuts. We had our first meeting for our homestudy. It was held at the adoption agency this morning. We drove together and had time to spare, so we stopped at a gas station to get drinks and shake off a little nervousness. I found a $1 bill in the gas station. Last time I was at this gas station, I found a $5 bill. This must be my lucky gas station, or maybe my lucky day. I was joking about how I should use it to buy a lottery ticket, and we'd win big.

Daniel went to start the car... and nothing. His car's push button ignition wouldn't start ("Intelligent Key" as Nissan calls it... yeah right!). We pulled out the manual and tried to use the back up way to start it, and that wouldn't work either. By this point, we were a mile away from the agency and ten minutes til our meeting was to start. Rats! This is not my lucky day, after all. I called a cab, which was slower than molasses to arrive.

We finally got there fifteen minutes late (I hate to be late!) and got the first meeting under our belt. We got a HUGE packet of paperwork to fill out. Then, we had to get back to the gas station and tow the car to the dealership. We still haven't heard about what's wrong with it, but thank goodness for family coming to rescue us and get us back home!

Two Weeks

Two weeks til we have our first meeting to begin the homestudy. We'll meet at the agency office. We have to bring tax forms so we can establish the total we'll pay for the adoption (if it happens this year, anyway... it will change next year depending on changes in our income).

Tonight, we filled out 11 pages each for our SAFE questionnaires (structured analysis family evaluation). This is a standardized form used to write homestudies in our state and had almost identical questions to those we filled out for the state/DCS. If anyone is nerdy like me and interested in more information on this format, you can read it here.

To be honest, I feel pretty exhausted after filling it out. Delving back into hard times in the past, conflict with your spouse, etc. is not the most exciting way to spend your night. It does make me glad the rough times I've had are far and few between compared to many, though.

Approved

Our formal application was approved, so now the next step is beginning our homestudy. We'll have a joint meeting, individual meetings, and a home visit from our case worker. We'll supply much of the same documentation we did for our previous homestudy (financial documentation, medical physicals, etc). They'll instruct us on the online training we need to do, and I believe we'll need to read a book ("The Connected Child", which I had already bought back several months ago when we were still on the foster care path). Our case worker should call within a week to set up our joint meeting. Yay!

Formal Application is In!

We finally finished filling out our formal application... and this is what popped up on our adoption portal. The formal application was all online (very handy) and included doing a bunch of math to add up bank accounts, look at assets and debts, etc... not fun for this right brained girl but thank goodness for a left brained husband!

Now, we will wait for our application to be (hopefully) approved, and we can proceed with the homestudy. It feels good to be moving along, but it's also overwhelming to think about how much money we still need to save!

Preliminary Application

It was sent! Along with our preliminary application, we had to include a signed statement of faith, a faith questionnaire, a signed notice of privacy practices, and a profession about criminal history, mental health history, abuse history, and addiction history. I put it in the mail today, but I forgot to take a picture... oops. I love how so much of the process is online- I was able to log onto our portal and pay the pre-application fee very easily.Wohoo, now to wait for it to be approved so we can begin the homestudy process!

Steps and Timeline

 Hopefully this checklist will better explain the domestic adoption process we're beginning. I've had lots of questions- "Do you have to "re-do" your homestudy?"... Yes. "What is the expected wait?"... Can vary really widely and we don't have a good answer. It's intimidating to type all this out and think, eventually one day, all this will come to pass. It's scary to think about a failed match or any other bumps that may come up.

1. FINISHED- Attend Orientation Meeting. This is a two hour event to educate us on the agency and process. 
Time: Occurs monthly (attended on 1/15/13)

2. FINISHED- Fill out Preliminary Application and pay initial $50 application fee.  
Time: Can fill out once loaded to online portal (mailed on 1/25/13 and approved on 1/31/13)

3. FINISHED- Fill out Formal Application and pay $900 application fee.  
Time: Can fill out once preliminary application is approved (submitted on 2/12/13 and approved on 2/22/13)

4. FNISHED- Begin training to include online trainings and reading books  
Time: Once formal application is approved (submitted documentation on 3/27/13)

5. FINISHED- Begin homestudy process to include home walk-though, couples interview, and individual interview. We will have to gather most of the same type of documents and do the same things we did for our previous home study to include financial information, references, medical exam, fingerprinting, etc. We will be working with an adoptive parent worker (expectant parents have their own worker).
Time: Once formal application is approved. This process should last about 6 weeks. ( home walk through on 3/19/13, submitted documentation on 3/27/13)

6. FINISHED- Meet with social worker to discuss type of situations we are open to (locations/states, drug exposure, health situations, race, gender, etc). Also we will decide on how much openness in the adoption we are open to (ongoing visits and contact). Our agency has a minimum requirement of monthly pictures and updates for the first year and then quarterly pictures and updates until age three. All of this is called a "service plan".  
Time: Concurrent with the homestudy process (developed on 4/10/13)

7. FINISHED- Develop a profile book and online profile. The profile book will be a photobook with information and pictures about us. When an expectant parent comes into the office, she/they will meet with their expectant parent worker and review all profile books that match the situation (which families are open to what their situation is). The expectant parent is in full control of what family she/they select. We will also make an online profile so if an expectant mother in another state doesn't find a family out of their office or wants to place in another geographical area, they can do an online search.
Time: Concurrent with the homestudy process (turned in books and submitted online profile on 4/16/13)

8. Our homestudy (again, like a book report on our family discussing our history, relationship, health, finances, home, intentions, etc) will be approved. Once it is approved, we will become a "waiting family". This means our profile book can begin to be shown.  We will pay $5,000 at this time to pay for our homestudy and to go towards a fund to help expectant parents with physical needs, bills, and to provide counseling. All adoptive parents pay into one fund, and with that money, any expectant parents who comes to the agency, whether they place or not, can be served.

Time: Because the expectant parent is in control of which family she/they select, we could be in the waiting period for a few months to a few years. Our agency does not tell us when our profile is shown (so no let downs to "nos") but when an expectant parent selects us, we will have an opportunity to get all the known details of the situation and say "yes" or "no". Our agency's shortest wait was a couple of weeks and longest wait was 4 years. There is currently a 2:1 ratio meaning they have twice as many waiting families as they make placements per year. This is actually a good ratio compared to other agencies I have looked into.

9. This is where things can branch into many directions. The expectant parent gets to decide whether they want to meet us. The majority chose to meet the potential adoptive parents ahead of time. The meeting usually happens at the agency office and the agency workers are present, as well.  
Time: This can occur early on in the pregnancy or even once the baby has already been born, depending on when the mother turns to the agency. Our agency's average time for a match is when the mother is 7 months along.

10. After birth, the baby is placed with us. We may or may not be present in the hospital at the birth, depending on the timeline, the birth mother's wishes, and even if it is in another state. At this point, we pay our remaining agency fees (amount TBD depending on when this occurs since our fee is dependent on past 3 years' income).  
Time: Upon hospital discharge

11. At this point, the birth parents' rights are still intact. The birth mother will go to the courthouse about a week after birth and sign a voluntary TPR (termination of parental rights). This is not final until 10 days after signed. During this period, the birth mother can change her mind (I was happy to note our agency has had only 1 revocation out of about 100 adoptions in the past 5 years) . The birth father may go sign the same papers, as well (same revocation period), or he may have signed a waiver of parental rights before birth (no revocation period). If the father is unknown or cannot be located, the agency will have to publish an ad in the newspaper and have a court date to involuntarily terminate his parental rights.  
Time: About 17 days-several months, depending on the circumstances

12. Keep in mind, that the process described in #11 only happens if the baby we are matched with is born in TN. Every state has their own laws. Some states let the birth mother sign in the hospital and there is no revocation period. Most states do have revocation periods but they vary widely from a few days up to a month. Also keep in mind that if we go to another state, there is a federal law called ICPC (Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children) that applies. Due to this, we cannot cross state lines with a baby until given approval by the respective state.  
Time: Several weeks

13. At any time in this process until the parents' rights are terminated, they are able to change their mind and regain custody of the baby. They can also, obviously, change their mind even before the birth. If this happens, we will return to step #8, waiting for a match.  
Time: Several weeks to several months, as described above

14.Once the parents' rights are terminated, whether voluntarily or involuntarily, the baby will remain with us although it will then be in the legal custody of the agency. The agency will visit us three times during the first 6 months. TN law allows for adoption finalizations only after the child has been in your home 6 months. So, at 6 months, we will find an attorney (this part is separate from the agency and is an additional cost) to file a petition to adopt in the county we live in.
Time: Six months from birth

15. Finalization happens in court. Once this occurs, the baby is permanently our child. We will get a birth certificate with our names listed and a new SSN. As the judge always said in adoptions I was apart of in my previous job, they are fully apart of your family, down to having the right to inherit property. It's permanent and final (despite "Lifetime Movie" depictions) as long as there was no coercion (eg: exchanging money with birth parent) and fraud (eg: hiding things from birth father).
Time: Hopefully only a couple of weeks after filing a petition to adopt

We Had Orientation

We had our orientation meeting this week. It went well. The next step is to submit a preliminary application once it is uploaded to our online adoption portal website. Once that is submitted and approved, we will turn in our full application and begin the home study process.

Welcome Packet

Our "welcome packet" came today, which is a giant informational packet on everything from the foster parent bill of rights...to policy information... to resource information... to copies of forms to bring to the doctor and to get filled out when going out of state... and everything in between. It actually has some handy things.

It sure is interesting to be on the other side of this. For several years, I was the one who filled out the placement checklist for foster parents. Now I will be on the receiving end. I was the one who had to backtrack with doctors offices when foster parents forgot to fill out the form and get it signed at appointments. I better keep a stack of copies in my car so I'm not "that person". :) It is still a lot, but definitely less intimidating since I am familiar with a lot of what's in the packet. We'll see!

Homestudy Approved

I heard the homestudy is approved. We have a home visit later this month with the case manager from our county. I suppose we'll know more then. :)

And I am copying and pasting the timeline into this blog post. It took about 5 months from start to finish:
4/19/12- Inquired into PATH classes (to become foster parent)
4/30/12- Started PATH classes
6/7/12- Finished PATH classes
7/5/12- Homestudy visit #1
7/11/12- Homestudy visit #2
7/24/12- Homestudy visit #3
9/5/12- Notified homestudy approved

Waiting for Stamp of Approval

The home study process is complete. Yay! Now that the "report" is written and our house is set up to standards, we just have to wait for two supervisors to approve the report. Once that happens, our home will be open for placement. This final approval process will probably take about a month. Let the count down begin!

Forward Motion

In the last week or so, I've hit a few annoyances. We now have a home phone thanks to Magic Jack Plus. I was pretty bitter having to spend $80 for one (we wanted the "Plus" version that doesn't have to be plugged into a computer since we both have laptops- really, $80?!? I was thinking it would be 15 bucks tops). But, the State says in order to be a safe household, you must have a home phone.

Our medication has to be literally locked (not just secured with a childproof knob lock). If you know me, you know I hate clutter, so I cringed at the thought of a gaudy lockbox sitting on my counter. We rearranged a couple of cabinets and have ordered a lock for one cabinet so all the medication can be secured in there. It's been a big project because apparently most people don't install locks on their cabinets so finding one that fits was tough.

It makes me feel belittled. I'm a cautious person (D says I take after my mom... hi mom!). I would take precautions above and beyond reasonable to protect any child in my home. It's can be difficult to have so many guidelines over you. At times I feel angry: "What other parent that I know has to go through this? What about all of the people who willy nilly have kids and fly by the seat of their pants? Why do they get to do what they want?"

Then, I remember that every guidelines is set up because something bad has happened before to some kid somewhere. The ultimate goal is to protect kids who are vulnerable and are only in this situation in the first place because they weren't protected. I have to adjust my attitude and take the guidelines with grace.

We didn't chose this path; it chose us. The process continues to be a humbling experience. Finances revealed, body parts inspected, opening up our homes and lives for critiquing. I know this is really only the beginning.

For those wondering, we have one more visit/check in. Our home study should be finished in about 2-3 weeks!