My Story

My poor brain is so sluggish. I have all these thoughts and feelings but it's hard to put them into words.

There are two major reunions/social events coming up within the next two weeks, and I'm not going to either one. I have legitimate reasons why I can't attend. And I would like to be able to go to see some people who would be there.

But part of me is relieved. I honestly do not mind people asking me questions or discussing our situation. I think I'm in a minority with my comfort level of this process. I want to share so other people who may be silently suffering are aware of options. And so no one feels alone. And just because I am pretty excited about this path.

However, I can't stand the unspoken tension of poking questions or looks of pity. Anyone in my social circle "should" have kids by now... or several... or several in late elementary school. And I don't have a child or one on the way or anything. So when you go to these events, it's kinda like a small elephant following you around (maybe I read too much into things).

And while I do enjoy sharing my story, I don't want attention or pity or feeling like I am the trainwreck on someone's Facebook feed. Which is why I shared this blog publicly a few times when I first made it, but I don't put it on my Facebook feed anymore. I feel like if anyone genuinely cares to know what is happening, they follow. I don't just want views when something dramatic happens. My whole heart is all over these posts. I want that reserved for people rooting for me.

I guess all this to say that openness is a fine line. And, this situation is such a lonely place- it's lonely in social settings to not have a picture of my kid or a story to add to the conversation, but it's lonely to be left out of conversations, too.

Maybe one day soon none of this will be a consideration.

Creator

 

"You are worthy, O Lord our God,
    to receive glory and honor and power.
For you created all things,
    and they exist because you created what you pleased".

-Revelation 4:11

More drive time leads to more time for reflection and more time in creation (in a roundabout way- however much you can enjoy from your vehicle). My God is a Creator. I love the vibrant fall leaves, the glowing sunrises, the grey billowing storm clouds, the stately brown branches of a tree.

I look forward to seeing our embryos for the first time, the lives that were formed and have been frozen in a lab, suspended in time. As beautiful as our world is, I don't know of anything more so than the glossy photograph that will be in my hands of a small, round embryo full of tiny cells that will hopefully become wispy hair, soft skin, and grubby hands.

Here We Go!

Yesterday was the big day. I dropped D off at work in outskirts of Big City and headed into my monitoring appointments. Big City has four main interstates, and I drove on each one by the time I made it to the clinic!

Bloodwork was drawn, ultrasound was done, and I headed back to work. I got my own chauffeur for the afternoon scraping so I could take some pain medication. My mom and I went back to the clinic, and the scraping was said and done in no time. It was still pretty painful but much better with medication. I don't know why it is so painful for me! But, there was a lot of tissue removed this time, too, so hopefully my body will do its job!

I was lucky to get the results that my lining was nice and thin (3.8mm; for comparison it was 3.9mm the first cycle and 3.7mm the second cycle) and my estrogen was low (53; for comparison it was 41 the first cycle and 49 the second).

So, I am now able to begin adding in e.strace to my protocol. I will continue the l.upron a little while longer as I transition into building my lining. Here we go!

I know... I am every pharmaceutical company's dream. The one that really matters right now is the tiny, blue half a pill up front. I've got some fish oil and a multivitamin, vitamin D, and B complex to try to be as healthy as possible and some allergy medication and ibuprofen/midol to hold me over through the day.

A Day of Rest

Yesterday, I had a long awaited day of rest. I was physically busy all day, but I had an "off" day for my mind. Thankfully, no work, no on call phone for today. I woke up at a leisurely 7:15 AM and ate some yummy oatmeal sprinkled with walnuts (which is my new favorite after K.roger unkindly stopped carrying my other favorite oatmeal!). I proceeded to town on the backroads so I could enjoy the foggy morning sprinkled with fall leaves and hay rolls.

Once I got to town, I got a much needed massage. My headaches have been out of control the past two months. My PCP gave me a steroid pack that temporarily helped, and I'm trying to not rely on pain medication that I can't even take come my transfer. So, for over an hour, the massage therapist found all kinds of knots and showed me several things I can do myself to keep my neck loose which should help my headaches (I knew I held stress in my neck and shoulders but who knew that helped cause headaches?!?). And on a sad note, she found a pretty nice knot on my lower left hip... two months past PIO and I still relive that cycle.

I left feeling lighter and looser than ever. I could even turn my head properly in lane changes. What a simple fix! I treated myself to one of the new S.onic Splashes (I've had both the Sunshine Berry and the Hawaiian Wave, and both are pretty tasty- if you're okay with fruit pieces in your water). I picked up some tom yum soup from my favorite Thai place- heaven in a bowl! I even ran a bunch of errands but it was no big deal since I was still floating. I ended the day with homemade soup and bread at my family homestead (parents' house) and hugs and kisses from my nephew.

It's amazing how much better I feel. I still don't feel great from the medication, and I am still "it" for our family right now for chores, driving, and daily life.... but I can handle it, with this recharge. I made it through D's surgery (which his ortho specialist said was the most procedures in one case he has ever done- awesome), D's recovery thus far (one ER visit, two doctor appointments, and on his third cast), lots of chauffeuring and cleaning and packing lunches, starting up my most dreaded medication, and working a very long stretch at work. Oh, and a flat tire Thursday. You know, to spice things up a little! If I can handle these past two weeks, I can handle anything!

Anything for the Embryos

This cycle is flying so much more quickly than the previous two. I guess a big part of it is that I am pretty comfortable with what will happen, so I don't spend hours researching and agonizing each step. Shots are going okay. I am having a lot of headaches, but I have had a lot of headaches the past several weeks, anyway, so who knows what is really causing them.

I can't believe it's already time for my baseline ultrasound! I will hopefully have good news on Monday that my uterus and ovaries look okay. Surely they will, considering I had a clear SIS not even 3 weeks ago. I've got to get some baseline bloodwork, too, and if that is okay, I will begin e.strace next week. And, how can I forget... the scraping. Eek! Anything for the embryos...

No Title

L.upron is the strangest drug. It zaps my emotional ability. I led a grief group at work. Lots of genuinely sad stories. Normally I'd leave feeling pretty heavy, but I barely felt sad. And, I feel exhausted just imagining crafting a heartfelt post. Words don't dance; they sluggishly form bland sentences. I couldn't even come up with a title for this post.

I don't feel excited or nervous or really anything about our transfer. Yesterday I found out that, yay, our donors got their open donation agreement turned in. But the yay is monotone. And no explanation mark.

I know, in my brain, I am thrilled to be at this point. We have embryos! And we are four weeks away from possibly the most life changing day of our life! That is huge. Huge!

But I can only think how very tired I am, and how nothing really seems to matter. Your pituitary (I believe that's what l.upron shuts off) is such an important little part of your body, isn't it?

One of Those Days

Day four of the l.upron. I don't feel well, but not sure if it's just the medicine or if it's the stress of my job, current home life, and just the pressure of a third transfer. And my debit card was messed up in some stupid H.ome D.epot thing, so I had to get a new one. And the cats were out of cat food, and the dry cleaning needed picked up, and I was out of gas. You know, one of those days.

Not complaining about any of it- glad to have a job (especially one with great coworkers as well as flexibility) or about D (just glad he is slowly getting better). But it's hard to say if fatigue, irritability, and headaches are from stress or from the medicine.

I'm not exactly looking forward to next week. I'm already dreading the scraping!

I'm mentally exhausted just writing this post, so I'm going to bed now!

This Time

L.upron, we meet again.

I was never supposed to be an expert on injectible meds. Tonight, I eased right back into it. I remembered just what to do.

So this is it. Yeah, I've been on bcp for awhile which is technically part of the protocol, but I'm so comfortable with bcp (and actually prefer to be on it). Which is why l.upron really marks the beginning of the cycle in my mind.

I happen to be on another 12 day stretch at work. I don't know why these always fall when I am on l.upron. Some sort of cruel joke from the universe, I guess.

Last cycle, around this time, I was feeling tired, unsure, and empty.

This time I feel really scared and still a little broken.

I don't know what we will do if this transfer doesn't work, or worse, ends in another loss.

It's terrifying to plunge into try 3.

It's a whole extra layer of pain and fear and trepidation after what happened last time.

And I still miss our baby. And our first genetic family. 

Regardless, embryos, we are coming for you!

An Allegory

Our ODA (open donation agreement) has been approved by both parties. I wasn't sure how we would get our copy notarized because D is sporting a giant cast. But we needed to get it taken care of, so while we were in the big city for D's checkup, we decided to go all out and run over to the notary.

We stopped by the same notary we've used before. Today, we were the only ones there, minus the notary and her coworker. The day was rainy and cool, and she was fanning herself saying how hot she was. She asked us if we were warm, and we politely danced around the question. Her coworker stood in the background, making a cut-throat gesture, begging us to stop, and mouthed "HOT FLASHES" (poor gal, I will be right there with her come this weekend! I'm starting the dreaded l.upron on Saturday).

She  s l o w l y  notarized the document. It does have an abrupt ending with just a signature line, lacking the usual phrasing used in notary documents ("So and so personally appeared before me blah blah"), so for some reason even though this is the third time she has done an ODA for us, she wanted to hand write in some extra verbiage. So, we finally got everything painstakingly notarized and headed back to the car so I could get my patient home to elevate his foot. As we stepped out of the door, we heard the most horrendous, loud series of crashing and crunching noises. People from almost every business in the strip mall ran outside to see what happened.

A wreck. A hit and run wreck, right in the intersection we were getting ready to enter. I happened to see a busted up car limp into our parking lot and seemingly attempt to hide in between other cars (Another sidebar- Hit and run wrecks infuriate me, by the way. Don't drive if you can't be responsible for your actions. Luckily for D's foot, other people noticed, too, so we were able to head on home).

I felt bad for the people who were hit, but it seemed like everyone was okay. I was very relieved that our notary decided to add her own flair to our ODA, because we very likely would have been in the intersection at the time of the accident had she not extended our meeting.

It reminds me that there are so many aspects of our life we think we know best. But in reality, we can only see small parts, so we really may not have the total picture. I hope this can be an allegory for our adoption experience. That we get irritated and impatient but the timing is really for the best.

Sky's Still Blue

We've had a lot of stormy, wet, grey days lately. Even if the dark clouds are all I can see, there is still a blue sky there, somewhere, and eventually it will pop out.

On days of grey
When doubt clouds my view
Its so hard to see past my fears
My strength seems to fade
And its all I can do
To hold on, till the light reappears.
Still, I believe though some rain's bound to fall
That you're here next to me
And you're over it all.
Lord, the sky's still blue
For my hope is in you
You're my joy, You're the dream that's still alive
Like the wind at my back
And the sun on my face
You are life,You're grace.
You are blue skies, You're my blue skies

(Blue Skies)

In Sickness and In Health

When I was in the ER, D joked I was trying to catch up to him with the whole "in sickness" part of our vows. In the almost decade we've been together, I'd never been the ER patient til that day. He was there a few months after we got together with a sprained ankle from intramural soccer. Then three times a few years ago, all surrounding a bleeding ulcer. Then last year when he sprained his ankle at a little league basketball game and also when he caught some nasty food poisoning (there's a reason you shouldn't eat at McDonalds!).

Well, I guess he decided he didn't want me to catch up to him after all, because we were back again this weekend- this time for him. He did have the planned ankle surgery on Friday. The surgery itself went really well, says the surgeon (I hope he's right). D had a hard time waking up, which is usual for him. He went home with a neat fanny pack holding medicine for a nerve block, so we figured this would be a fairly easy recovery. Then, the pain caught up to him, and since it was the weekend, we ended up in the ER. He's finally back on another upswing, and I am hoping it stays that way.

While I was in the waiting room during his surgery, my protocol came (yay!), and I stayed busy for at least an hour of the five hour wait with scheduling ultrasounds, bloodwork, and a uterine scraping and moving around my work schedule to accommodate all of those festivities. So, I have a transfer date (yay)! And I start l.upron this weekend (not yay!). I've ordered all the medication (yay!). We still need to get the embryo contract notarized (it will be fun to haul him somewhere with a casted foot but it all adds to our character). From here on out, time will fly by til transfer.

I Can't Believe It

I wouldn't believe some of the stuff I blog about, had it not happened to me. The immense struggle of 4 ultrasounds in 18 days: lost a twin but the other baby is okay, the other baby won't make it, the other baby has a heartbeat and may make it, the other baby lost its heartbeat and is dead. The unbelievable luck to have 2 d&c's in 5 days. Issues with my insurance company that I haven't even mentioned here (greedy scoundrels).

But incredible things have happened, too. Three families we've never even met have gifted us with precious embryos. People came together and, through this blog, donated money for the kinship adoption of a close family friend of mine. I work in a small, close-knit environment and, last year for my birthday, my coworkers secretly gathered money for our adoption. Someone anonymously paid for our hotel for our first transfer, unknown to us til we checked out and expected to get a bill.

So there are all these horrible forces out there, causing death and suffering and greed. But there are also people who chose to give sacrificially to bless others

With that said, the other night, D and I went to a benefit dinner his work was hosting. Music performed by various employees and a silent auction for a local family in need. Since I am blogging about the benefit, I am sure you can guess where this is going.

Posted at the door

Some of the music for the night

The pub was packed shoulder to shoulder. Everyone enjoyed refreshments and catching up, while they waited for the big reveal of just who this money was helping. Except every single person there- except us- knew the benefit was for us (and had known for 1+ month- how this stayed a secret, I have no idea!).

At the moment of the big revel, ten members of both mine and D's extended family sheepishly and tearfully walked out. We were both in shock- and I think still are to some extent. His company had a wild goal to raise $2,000, and they nearly doubled that! So many people gave of their time, money, and talents so sacrificially. It's the most humbling experience to know so many people are there for you. And to receive money towards being able to have a family- there are really no words.

This huge and amazing blessing, and it really pushes us into this third transfer with not only peace that we will have funds for all the expenses that comes along with it but the knowledge that literally hundreds of people care about us and want this for us. And they're willing to put action to that love. Wow! I can't get over it!

Blastocyst Primer

Since I journeyed into the lesser known world of 2PNs and multicells for my last transfers, I have a bit of studying to do on blasts.

If you remember the four multicell (3 day) embryos we have pictures of, you can count the cells within the embryo very clearly (one had only two cells, the other three had 8+). Blastocysts, or blasts, are 5 day embryos that have developed from noticeable cells you can count to a big "clump". They are able to be graded/examined for quality more specifically than multicells.

Clinics can vary in their system for grading but most blasts are graded in three parts: one number and two letters. The number describes the expansion of the embryo (healthy blasts should expand and eventually hatch out of their shell). The number normally ranges from 1 to 6; the higher the number, the better the expansion. The letters describe the inner cell mass (what becomes the baby) and the trophectoderm (what becomes the placenta). The letters can be A, B, or C; A is best.

A good website that explains further detail on the grading and gives pictures of different grades of blasts for comparison can be found here. 

We are now matched with six blasts. After choosing the family, our embryologist informed us that the embryos are graded very well. Four of them are 5AA, and two of them are 6AA. Keep in mind, this is their grading upon being frozen, so they could improve (at the least the 5AA's, anyway) or decline upon thawing.

Obviously we are thrilled to have embryos with such high grades. That is not a guarantee of a successful cycle, but we hope it is be an indicator of one!

Walking on Sunshine

Gorgeous morning!

Yesterday, I awoke to a beautiful, foggy morning. This was the view as I headed down my driveway. Traffic was amazing. It was still rush hour, but it's fall break so it was the lightest rush hour I've ever seen.

I made it to my monitoring RE where I reluctantly waited in the waiting room. Everyone around me was hacking up a storm. I've been diligent about washing my hands and trying to keep my immune system up, so they last thing I wanted to do was pick up a bug. Maybe they need a well area and a sick area, just like a pediatrician...

All set up and ready to go

Once I was called back, I was ushered to an exam room with an ultrasound machine. I had a SIS at my NEDC consult, but there was ten things jam packed into that day, so I don't remember much about it. Plus, I think Dr. K had the lights down. Well, I chuckled at the mini IV pole and little bag of saline. I sat nervously on the edge of the table, with the giant napkin over my lap. Finally, two nurse practitioners came in. I'm pretty familiar with one of them, and I could tell she was teaching the other one.

First was a regular transvaginal ultrasound. It's funny to compare the difference of ultrasounds from the tech, doctor, and nurse practitioners. The tech does it all day long, and you can tell. She's wam, bam, thank you ma'am. She's quick but gets the job done and can always find things right away. The doctor is slower and more methodical. The male doctor even apologizes when he jams the wand around too much. The nurse practitioners are a good mix, but they explain each step... "You will feel ____". You can tell the difference in training between the three groups (not a bad thing, just funny).

They were quiet as the "teacher" wrote down what the "student" was scanning. I jumped as the machine made the distinguishable noise of printing a picture. I hate that sound. It's right by my ear and it reminds me of the sad ultrasounds with pictures of single digit mm baby that never would grow. Then, they finally murmured, "So far so good". At this point, I almost cried tears of joy.

Next came the saline catheter and filling my uterus with fluid. I took two ibuprofen before leaving the house, and the catheter didn't hurt a bit. The "teacher" took the reins since the "student" found a weird looking notch. "NO!", my brain screamed. After MUCH prodding, they concluded it was just the shape of my uterus. Crisis averted.

They continued to take lots of glamor shots of my uterus. The made two copies of each picture, one for their chart and one to mail to Dr. K since the pictures don't translate well via fax (Another difference- the doctors just dictate a report and must not care about the pictures, and the tech has me take a picture with my phone and email my clinic nurse).

A little blurry, but what a scar-free, saline filled uterus should look like!

Nothing else mattered after that. I got a clean bill of health. No scarring, no adhesions. My body made a full recovery from two traumatic surgeries of scraping and suctioning!!! My worries are put to rest (for now)! 

I was happy to proceed to the counter to pay my bill because I had a credit where insurance finally kicked in for some of my past early-pregnancy visits. That was just the cherry on the sundae. My feet felt light as I glided out the door. I wanted to skip down the hall.

I came to rest on the bench outside the elevator. I always stop here and get myself together- file receipts in my notebook and get my keys out and send a quick text to "my people" about whatever the outcome was for that day's appointment and decompress before I hit the road. Apparently I was too happy, because I got in the elevator and headed to my car, only to realize I didn't have my keys! I dashed back upstairs and saw them sitting on the bench.

I was so excited I left my keys behind!

So.... horray! I am clear to transfer in November, as long as my lining will build correctly. I should be getting an open donation agreement/contract any day for us to sign and notarize. And the nurse should have my protocol to me by Friday!

And, in closing, because I think it's random and hilarious, another picture from the RE's fine collection of art:

Nothing says "Let's Make a Baby" like this picture lol!

Lots of Hope

We've had two phone calls about the open donor agreement, and our donors have had one (one pre-match consult for us and a match consult for us as well as donors). The open donation agreements are being typed now and we should have them notarized before long. This will finalize our match with these embryos.

It feels great to know we are matched with more embryos! Lots of hope!

It's nervous excitement to begin a relationship with a third sweet donor family! Lots of hope!

It feel more real to know that in another month or so, we will have embryos on board. Lots of hope!

And, I have my SIS today. Prayers that I am cleared to proceed with transfer! "Eeeks", as my mom- and now my nephew- say (hi mom!). 

Confessions

I have a confession. Although I did get my first pairs of skinny jeans and leggings last year, most of my closet is circa 2009. For one, I hate spending money on clothes. It's gotten worse since I started working in a job where I wear scrubs every day (and a mandated color at that, so no fancy patterns or anything). To make matters worse, I always tell myself when I lose some weight, I will go buy new clothes. I'm at my "in between" size, not big enough that I am too unhappy but not small enough that I feel excited about going clothes shopping.

And since this spring, I've had another excuse- why bother getting up to date on my wardrobe, because I will probably be pregnant soon (and who knows what my body will be like after that). But since it's clear that hasn't happened yet, I went a little wild (for me) this past weekend and got some new stuff: four tunics/blouses, one pair of skinny jeans, one pair of leggings, two sweaters, two undershirts, and a new jacket (if there's one piece of clothing I am not sad to spend money on, it's a North Face osito jacket- so soft and smooth and cute and comfy! I already have the dark grey one I affectionately call 'Old Grey' and this one will be 'Blackie').

I haven't even worn any of the stuff yet, but I feel better already. Bring on the fall and winter. No matter what happens, I will be (relatively) in style. I will keep walking and eating healthy, because size really is secondary to health. I will feel good, no matter what.

My style consists of either t-shirt or tunics, so I got several versions of a similar shirt today!

Ohhh, ahhh. Meet Blackie!

Winner of Giveaway

Thank you to everyone who left comments on my 300th post. It was great to hear all the feedback and encouragement!
 
Now for what you're really reading to find out...

I did the random number generator, and it spit out.... number 7. Congratulations, Andrea, you are the winner! Email me at chroniclesofanadoption at gmail dot com to arrange shipping of the giftcard! As a side note, be sure to visit Andrea's blog! Her story is a great one to follow- twins from embryo adoption and recently pregnant through a subsequent transfer!

Yes

The donors said "yes". We still have to mutually agree on a contact and get everything in writing. But we are matched with six more embryos! And I have my SIS scheduled for Wednesday. It can only get better from here.

I would have never guessed the highs and lows of this journey.

Out of Our Hands

After having to reschedule twice, I finally had my phone consult with Dr. K the other day to discuss my miscarriage and next steps. He said the type of testing my local RE sent off for has a high chance of maternal cross contamination so the fact that the testing said normal, in his opinion, may or may not be correct. He said the way the baby always grew behind, was late to get a heartbeat, and had a slow heartbeat when it did indicates something "wrong from the beginning" genetically.

The fact that there were 10 embryos from this batch and not a single one resulted in a birth (between me and the surrogate the donor family used) and that the only one resulted in a pregnancy that was considered “embryonic demise” early on is strangely comforting. In my deepest heart, I feel that the embryo had some damage or mutation and that’s why I miscarried but it's still scary to not know exactly what happened.

He wants me to have a SIS soon to check for scarring/adhesions from my two d&c's and does want me to have another endo scratch this time (Darn, I hated it last time!!!).

I’ll feel unsettled until we have more sweet embryos, but I am feeling more at peace (although still sad). Dr. K ended the conversation with the exact sentiment that has been on my heart lately- how I can control things, he can control things, but in the end some of it will always be out of both of our hands. I pray God will have mercy on me and allow this next transfer to work!  

Check Yes or No

Do you love me? 

Do you want to be my friend? 

And if you do, well then don't be 

afraid to take me by the hand. 

I think this is how love goes. 

Check yes or no!

Nearly a week of silence since our clinic contacted the donors we are interested in matching with. Maybe they don't check their email regularly. Maybe they are busy with their big family. Maybe they are second guessing their decision to donate. Maybe they don't like something about us.

Eek! An email from the clinic... asking when we will choose a donor? Uh, we already did, and we heard you were emailing them! A response back from the clinic. Yep, they were mistaken. The donors were indeed emailed. Since it's getting close to protocol time, they will call them to check in.

Check email religiously all day. An email about a CEU for professional training. Boring! A junk email from Huggies. Don't know how they got my email. They don't how I have no reason to buy diapers right now. An email from my monitoring clinic with a breakdown of all the billing for the year. Wohoo! Another email about a CEU. I really need to get off some of these lists.

Once 4 PM hits, I know I won't hear anything today. It's 5 PM at the clinic.

The pressure mounts knowing a phone call was made. It may be easy to miss an email, but it's pretty difficult to miss a call. During the two times we were chosen, we heard back within two days. The time we weren't chosen, it took about a week to hear. In my mind, longer waits mean bad answers. So many things race through my head. I don't want any donor to feel pressured, but I sure would like to know if these are our embryos!

Maybe they emailed or called back once the clinic was closed (the donors are on Pacific time, the clinic is on Eastern time). Maybe they are on a fall vacation (does the West coast take fall breaks?!?)? Maybe their kids are involved in a lot of activities, or maybe one of them has been sick. Maybe it's just really difficult to finalize your decision with saying "yes, this family can transfer our embryos".

300th Post Giveaway

In honor of my 300th post, I'd like to do a giveaway to celebrate the life of this blog. Thank you to everyone who reads. This blog is a blessing to me. It allows me to process my experience, and I receive so much love and support! I hope the blog can be a blessing to others, too.

To enter, leave any comment in the comment section. Sometime after the weekend, I will randomly choose one winner of a giftcard to one of my most favorite places, Target.

Everything is Relative

If you're just here for the highlights, you may not be interested in this post. TMI- you've been warned.

I finally finished my first pack of active BCP which I started about a week and half after the d&c. I never thought I could be happy to see CD1. I hope my body is repairing itself. Adhesions (which I am terrified I may have developed) can cause "blockages". I hope having CD1 is a sign I don't have any. And to top it off, now that I'm far enough post d&c, I can finally trade in pads and pantiliners for tampons. Moving on up!

Everything is relative. What would normally be an annoyance at best or a difficult time (such as in a failed cycle) is a joy. Who ever thought I'd want a negative pregnancy test and to be able to use tampons?