Out of Our Hands

After having to reschedule twice, I finally had my phone consult with Dr. K the other day to discuss my miscarriage and next steps. He said the type of testing my local RE sent off for has a high chance of maternal cross contamination so the fact that the testing said normal, in his opinion, may or may not be correct. He said the way the baby always grew behind, was late to get a heartbeat, and had a slow heartbeat when it did indicates something "wrong from the beginning" genetically.

The fact that there were 10 embryos from this batch and not a single one resulted in a birth (between me and the surrogate the donor family used) and that the only one resulted in a pregnancy that was considered “embryonic demise” early on is strangely comforting. In my deepest heart, I feel that the embryo had some damage or mutation and that’s why I miscarried but it's still scary to not know exactly what happened.

He wants me to have a SIS soon to check for scarring/adhesions from my two d&c's and does want me to have another endo scratch this time (Darn, I hated it last time!!!).

I’ll feel unsettled until we have more sweet embryos, but I am feeling more at peace (although still sad). Dr. K ended the conversation with the exact sentiment that has been on my heart lately- how I can control things, he can control things, but in the end some of it will always be out of both of our hands. I pray God will have mercy on me and allow this next transfer to work!