Beta Day (gulp)

Today is the big beta day.

There are a lot of mixed feelings swirling around regarding getting my blood drawn this time. The normal RE office I get monitoring at is closed for the holidays, so I am forced to go to another lab that I haven't had good luck with in the past. They NEVER forward the results to the ordering doctor, so you can bet that I will be camped in the lobby til a copy of the results are in my hands so I can forward them to NEDC myself.

Also, this particular lab can't do any hormones same-day so I won't even be able to get progesterone results til Monday. Yikes. I hope the shots are absorbing correctly. I can't let myself dwell on worries. There is nothing I can do.

If we get a positive beta today, we will retest on Monday and hope to see doubling 1.5x (eg: if it were 100, we would need to see 300 since it will be about 72 hours later rather than 48 hours later due to the weekend). We're both tentative about the results, so we will be sharing the results, either way, on Monday.

One of my cohorts had a positive beta on Wednesday (yay!) so hopefully hers will double today when she goes for her second beta. She has her second today, myself and two others have our first today, and the fifth person has her first on Monday. Please pray for good results and grace to handle whatever the results are for each of us.

Give Thanks

I am thankful for God's love and mercy. I don't have to be good enough on my own. I trust in Christ's salvation. Romans 4:7-8

I am thankful for my husband. For every time he leaves laundry on the floor, he sends me a text to tell me he loves me. He has patience with my anxiety. He gives me the freedom to be myself. His relaxation balances my neurosis. He's a hard worker.

I am thankful for my family, friends, and church family. I'm very loved. And I love being "Aunt Say".

I am thankful for my job. As much pressure and frustration I feel at work sometimes, I have flexibility. I can give back to my community. My coworkers provide laughs and a place to vent.

I am thankful for the beauty in my life. Cards, smiles, sunsets, Mexican food, music, being able to walk a half marathon through a gorgeous city, being able to experience with birth of another nephew. This year has been painful, but it's had beauty, too.

And then there's the fact that this year we've been gifted embryos. Families give such a huge gift through reading a profile about us. Tiny specks that hold a genetic footprint to a son or daughter. We are able to work with a nationally known, skilled physician and embryologist who provide experienced care (and happen to be mere hours from our house).

I've been blessed, and I am thankful for the gifts in my life.

Embryo Adoption Awareness Day

Today is the first annual Embryo Adoption Awareness Day. What can I say about embryo adoption? I hope it will finally be the answer to many prayers and make us parents. Well, it has made us parents already, parents of our embryos and of our miscarried baby, but hopefully we will have a child that sticks around.

A common phrase for people unable to have kids is to "just adopt". I know firsthand there is nothing "just" about adopting. I think different forms of adoption are right for different families, but there are so many benefits to embryo adoption. There are hundreds of thousands of waiting embryos, frozen and unable to grow without being transferred. I do not fault genetic parents for stopping at a certain point, and this provision can be a huge blessing to so many others.

When I first heard of embryo adoption, I thought it must be really expensive. I thought IVF costs PLUS adoption costs. Which is true to an extent, but in the majority of situations, it's much more affordable than an IVF cycle and many adoptive situations (fostercare aside). Granted, we've paid quite a bit, but many others are successful on the first transfer. Many people opt for closed situations or matching independently which are often more affordable. It would have been a much bigger emotional and financial gamble to do IVF with donor sperm- I struggled to produce good follicles with IUIs... then to go through a fresh IVF cycle to end up potentially only a couple embryos- or maybe even none?!? And of course our adoption struggles are documented here. International is unstable in many countries; there are a lot of unethical things happening; and we don't meet many qualifications, either. Foster care was not a good option for us. And DIA (domestic infant adoption)... crickets, disappointments, and we didn't even get to the point of scams or failed matches.

So yes, we've been on the embryo adoption journey nearly a year. We've suffered a miscarriage. I've endured three transfers and all the medicine that comes with it. Our bank account has dwindled. Our relationship has been pushed to the limits. But we've allowed 9 embryos to have a chance at life, and I believe they're in heaven right now. They're not alone and stuck in a freezer. Their genetic families can have closure, too. And we still have two more inside me, results to be seen. I've been supported by people who began as strangers and have grown into friends. People from all over the country who understand my struggles and vice versa. We've had an outpouring of support from those in our lives- family, friends, coworkers, church family.

Embryo adoption has blessed my family, and I pray the journey's capstone will arrive soon!

Embryo Adoption in the News

This week has brought much publicity to embryo adoption (EA). First, there was a story in the New York Times. Then, a series of interviews on People.com and a Good Morning America segment with a fellow EA mom, Liz, who means so very much to me who has supported me and provided encouragement like you wouldn't believe (she founded the support group I'm apart of). Then, a local news story of a fellow EA family who transferred at my clinic the day after I did. Then, another story with a fellow EA mom in my support group. Google news shows several other stories, as well: here and here.

Liz's GMA interview was the morning of my transfer, so I was off work and able to watch it live. It brought tears to my eyes. It also happened to be the one year anniversary of her daughter Sammy's transfer, so I hope that brings good luck to me!

Day in the Life of an Embryo: 2 & 3

Yesterday, we headed back home but not before having breakfast with one friend (the couple we've been with for all three transfers) and lunch with another. One benefit of going through a clinic is the ability to easily meet up with other embryo adoption families! 13 embryos between five families await their fate. 

I tried going to a community event that evening, once we were home. I got there and felt dizzy and sick so I left. The meds have really gotten me this time! 

We were both back to work today. Luckily D's family helped with transport services because I barely had the energy to make it through work. Luckily, again, we were on the slow side at work so I was able to catch up on desk work (yay! My desk looks like a tornado) and minimize walking all over all day long. 

Now I'm beyond happy for the weekend. The embryos have indulged in Thai and cuddling with my favorite blanket and cuddly cat (his head is rested on my stomach right now). They can look forward to sleeping in, grocery shopping and church this weekend. Maybe not the most exciting life, but they're unfrozen and part of our family. 

Transfer Day Número Tres

HI don't ever want to forget every detail of yesterday. We woke up- well, I woke up and delivered breakfast to our clinic. They more than deserve it, especially for all the questions, requests, phone calls, and emails they get just from me! So P.anera bagels, pastry ring, and some fresh fruit it was!

D was still in bed, for the first time in nearly six weeks. Due to his giant cast, he's only been able to get comfortable on the couch. So I was happy he was able to sleep in! 

We met two fellow EA moms for breakfast which was a pleasure! There were 6 little embryos at the breakfast table in addition to the adults. 

Then, it was time to guzzle my 40 oz of fluids and take my transfer meds. We'd talked about cab vs L.yft since D has a right foot cast and had been on pain medicine and I would be on v.alium. Luckily he has recently graduated to Tylenol only so since it was just a short distance, he drove us there with his left foot. So in one day he got to drive AND sleep in a real bed. Maybe he can lose the cast next. 

In the car, I got really scared. Is it the right decision to transfer two? Can I handle the possibility of twins? Panic! D reminded me they were frozen in vials of two so there was no choice. And it was too late, anyway. 

We got there early and waited a bit in the lobby. My bladder felt vaguely full but none of the desperate pains of last three times (mock + two transfers). I went back, gowned up, and rested on the gurney. I felt much more tired on the v.alium. I kept mixing up my words.

Carol came in and handed me "the picture". A fully hatched 6AA (the one on bottom right with no shell) and an almost hatching 5AB (she said the B which is the lighter area to the left side of the embryo which will become placenta was almost an A- the darker "clump" on the right side is the baby). 

Our beautiful babies! 

I was really saddened that two died in thawing. That didn't overshadow my joy, but I didn't expect it, either. It's a really sad thing to hear. That brings the count to 9 embryos of ours in heaven. 

Then it was time. The ultrasound showed my bladder was too full which surprised me. I barely felt like I had to go. I'm so hard on my poor bladder every day I guess. So I emptied for 12 seconds and returned to the transfer room. My crotch was cleaned and my cervix was sanitized (still stung!!). The new nurse had a little trouble at first getting the ultrasound in the right place but did end up getting the best view I've had out of three nurses and three transfers. I could see very well on the screen my huge bladder (dark area), my pretty little uterus I worked so hard to prepare, the thin white line of a catheter snake in, and even the second of a white flash of light as the embryos were dropped off. I've heard about the flash but never been able to see it. And just like that, I had two beautiful embryos inside me! 

I've about perfected sliding back on to the gurney (dig your elbows in and use your abs to slide). I rested inverted for 30 minutes. Sandy was my nurse again, sweet Sandy. We got our picture with the doctor and embryologist. We will NEED it for a baby book. 

D got us safely back to the hotel. We stopped for C.hickfila on the way back because it was well after 2 and I was starting to feel sick.

I hit the bed at the hotel and slept about an hour and a half. When I got up, we decided to get dinner and a movie. I think it's good to have a little light activity and something to occupy your mind. 

And that was our big day. It was bittersweet to be back. Our little one from July just couldn't make it. I miss her. It's a loss but I won't let that stop me. She is the "oldest" out of the 9 up there so she's in charge. I don't care that I'm in my late 20s and I brought the rabbit stuffed animal my mom gave me for her, when she died. I lay with it if I feel sad, and I laid with it last night. I'm blessed and thrilled and so very very hopeful and still at a loss, too. 

Spreading love and thanks 

Rise and shine embryos! Time to wake up! (Filling my bladder)

Verse my sister sent- she and my nephew were praying it for the embryos. 

The beautiful embryos

Catheter goes in direction of arrow and the embryos are in the white area below the plus sign 

Dinner time! 

Embryos on Board!

We've got two beautiful embryos on board! More to come soon. 

Last Kidless Night

We made it safely to Knoxville. On the way out the door, I threw all my protocol stuff into a plastic bag- including the Lysol wipes. Apparently the lid doesn't seal well because the juice spilled out all over everything. It actually leaked into my e.strace bottle and destroyed some of my pills (see the crumbly ones?). Luckily I salvaged most of them. And luckily the important pills for transfer had cotton in the bottle so they were spared, too. 

Band aids weren't so lucky... Requiring a T.arget trip. I got some good sealing wipes, ibropfen (because duh, how could I forget that?), some NAME BRAND heat patches because store brand is worthless, and my unscented soap and lotion just in case scent harms embryos (not proven but I read it somewhere). 

It was funny- when I was picking out the lotion and soap, I went to the baby aisle. Fellow shoppers must have presumed it was for my baby or something, but in the middle of the aisle my "Shots" ringtone started blaring. Don't mind me. Mother of the year. Ha! 

I had a great evening spending time with two fellow EA moms. They each have three little embryos on board- pray for them! 

12ish hours to go, and I'm still not getting nervous. I can't wait for tomorrow! 

New Directions

I realize how glad I am that I started blogging. I would remember a tenth of what's on here without it. I'm looking back at posts around my past two transfers. I instantly know facts like past lining measurements or how much to drink the day of transfer.

But more than that, I can relive the emotions. The elation, the anxiety, the suffering, the peace. 

I've come a long way, and I think my path is about to take a new direction. I'll have happier things to write about. Answered prayers. Fulfilled longings. 

I'll put my all into work today to get ahead. I'll finish packing tonight. I'll work the morning tomorrow, then start the drive to pick D up and head eastward. That's not very much left between me and the embryos. They don't know what's about to happen. While I'm making plans and rushing around, they're perpetually frozen and just waiting at a chance to experience life. Two more days! 

No Time to Be Nervous

Three more days til transfer! As jam packed as my life has been the past couple of weeks, it's left virtually no time to be nervous. 

The PIO has affected me more than I remember last time. I was really winded doing therapy yesterday. I started to feel almost like I was having a panic attack- dizzy and short of breath. I figured it had to be from the progesterone, and I did discover that progesterone can cause shortness of breath. 

So now? Off to pack for a trip to frigid Knoxville! 

Tomorrow begins thawing for some embryos for ladies from my cycle group. Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday will bring transfers and more thawing. This time around, I know four of the other families. Please pray for K, J, L, and C as well as me- for safe travels and healthy embryos and a smooth transfer. Pray for linings that aren't quite thick enough, trips from across the country, and for nervous third tries, first tries, and hopes to add siblings. Please pray for the doctor, embryologist, and the nurse (who is new- yes, having a different nurse for all three transfers is nerve wracking!!!). 

SHOTS

The first PIO of the cycle is over. It was thankfully uneventful. It's amazing what you can overcome. I was initially hesitant to do embryo adoption strictly based on the shots. Now I can do them myself, with no tears. It's all a matter of your mindset. 

So I've got my alarms set- and earlier this time since my morning routine now includes a Big City commute before work. I chose some upbeat music to remind me, rather than the drab default tone. I can't take credit for the idea; one of my fellow friends shared it with me prior to our first transfer together, and the chorus has been stuck in my head ever since. 

It's Go Time

That's right. It's a sharpied bullseye. 

My lining was 7.9mm (one mm thicker than last time, although still definitely on the low end of what they prefer) and my estrogen was a whopping 2012 (hence the unpleasant swelling). 

So tomorrow I cut my e.strace back to two pills a day (rather than three) and begin the PIO injections. I've unpacked my box of shot supplies and sterilized the counter so I will be ready to go bright and early in the morning. The bulls eyes are sharpied onto my hips. 

It's go time! 

Grace is Enough

I've had these horrible headaches for over two months. They were worse than hormonal migraines, and I'm not sure a single day went by in that time without a headache at least part of the day. My PCP could only suggest steroids since he wouldn't prescribe migraine medicine while TTC (which I agree with). He said I could see a neurologist, but the last thing I want right now is scans and more medicine. I tried massage, but the therapist felt like something was wrong with my neck and referred me to a chiropractor.

Except I don't believe in chiropractors, so I didn't go. I continued massage and saw another therapist who recommended the same thing. In a moment of pained desperation, I made an appointment. Just for a chiropractic consultation. In continued desperation, after the exam/consultation revealed a pinched nerve in my neck with two discs out of alignment, I let the chiropractor "adjust" me.

And for 2 1/2 days, I haven't had a headache.

This is a huge blessing to me.

I think sometimes I don't open myself to blessings. Fear and hesitation is part of human nature, I guess. 

Not only was I blessed to have my pain relieved, but the chiropractor prayed over me and our transfer. Can you say tears?

And as scary as it seems to be going for a third transfer, especially after a very painful miscarriage, I have to be open to this blessing.

It doesn't snow very often where I live. Ice? Yeah. Freezing cold rain? Yep. Snow, a few times a year maybe.

Today, on the long commute to take D to Big City, sleet turned to soft snowflakes. Delicate, unique, shimmery snowflakes.

The verse that was on my heart on the drive to the clinic the day of the bad ultrasound was 2 Corinthians 2:19: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." And today, as I looked down at the snowflakes falling on the window, Your Grace Is Enough came on.

I pray God doesn't forget me.

Adoption Love Link-Up: October

How did you/will you chose to tell your child they are adopted, and how do you/will you celebrate this blessing with them? 

I'm a bit late in answering, but the l.upron is over and I can tell- my brain flows freely again! 

We're in an open match because it is important to us for our child to know their history and hopefully have understanding of why we've made the decisions we have (and why the genetic parents made the decisions they have). I don't want my child to ever feel ashamed or "less". They were/are very much loved and wanted by four adults, and embryo adoption (I hope) was just our story. 

Going along with our open match, we plan to be honest from infanthood. We are the parents but their genetic family played an integral part in their beginnings. I don't want them to remember having to learn their history through a sit down discussion one day. I want them to just "always know". Of course, as children meet developmental milestones they will come to new understandings. And this information may be "okay" or it may be challenging, and I'd like to address it, if it becomes challenging. 

How we will actually go about it? I plan to make developmentally appropriate photo books with our story. I would read it to the child from infancy. I will try to answer any questions as they come. We've already emailed and shared pictures with Family D. I hope that relationship can continue to grow and maybe in the future we can head out to the West coast to meet them. 

I realize an open relationship can't always be part of everyone's story. I don't want to put down another parent who did not or could not make this choice. I think the most important decision we can make as adoptive parents- be it embryo or infant- is to never hide the past. We have to be confident that our children will feel our love and that we will bond, regardless of genetics. However, our children deserve to know their history as much as we are able to give it to them. That will look different for different families, and that's ok. 

PIO Nightmares

You might have some deep seeded anxiety if you have dreams two nights in a row about PIO gone wrong. 

I drempt very matter of factly that my PIO syringe was the size of a 20 oz coke bottle with an equally large and very crooked needle. The syringe was full of bubbles as if it were a fish tank. I kept standing there trying to figure out a way to make the injection work. 

Three more days til I start the hopefully less scary and less eventful PIO shots. 

The Fun Starts Tonight

To any straggler males reading, don't.

These pills aren't always just to be swallowed, and the fun starts tonight. Grow lining, grow! 

Joy Ahead

Tis the Season

I've had a sudden burst of energy this weekend. I've cleaned my house and washed a half dozen loads of laundry. In between work and getting my house in order, I've picked up (and wrapped) some Christmas presents, including this ornament for our embryos' genetic families.

Shopping Trip

I bought something today for the embryos whom I'll meet not this week but next. Even if the only picture I end up having of them is the one from the day of transfer, it will be put to good use. I'm not a fan of most ultrasound frames that are cheaply made and an explosion of pale pink or baby blue. This one is just right!

And as a side note, while I was perusing H.allmark, I noticed there was not a single adoption, infertility, OR miscarriage card to be found. There were loss of dog and cat, cancer, new home and everything in between (not that those occasions don't call for a card). 

Finally, if anyone is interested in the frame: http://shop.hallmark.com/baby/baby-gifts/already-sweet-sonogram-frame-1FRG7101.html. 

11 days til transfer

11 days til my transfer! Protocol update: My face is still crazy broken out. I've felt nauseous since I started taking 3 e.straces a day. On a good note, I'm expecting my brain fog to clear up now that I'm finished with the l.upron!. I've felt twinges of nervousness about my ultrasound on Friday- what if my lining isn't thick enough?! Surely I haven't come this far for yet another let down.

I'm trying to put any fears aside and trek ahead. I had another massage today in hopes of staying as relaxed as possible. I took a brisk walk after work and really enjoyed the gorgeous sunset and the remaining fall leaves. Overall, I am still feeling very positive.

I made sure to go to the dentist this week and have my yearly GYN appointment and a neck x-ray next week- I need to get all these out of the way because I plan to be pregnant very soon.

To close this random post, I will leave a song I really like that I heard this week on Pandora during one of my long commutes with D.

They Changed My Life

There's been a lot of abortion talk where I live, with the recent elections and some legislation about abortion up for vote.

I have a lot of empathy for people in a situation to choose abortion. I see the struggles firsthand. I try to help the lasting damage some environments cause. Kids can't help the families they are born into, and some adults are not in a place to be parents. It's a sad reality.

I have always believed life begins at conception, so abortion is stopping that life.

Having embryos puts a whole new perspective on abortion. Physically seeing life from the time of countable cells to a heartbeat flicker on a screen only weeks later. I'd bet any mom feels this way, but it is magnified when you go through IVF and see each step as it is happening.

I know my embryos are/were lives. It's pitiful to think the sacrifices that have already been made for mine but others are sucked out of their mom before they even have a chance or say-so.  Furthermore, having d&c's (essentially the same procedure as a surgical abortion) makes me realize how traumatic an abortion is, I imagine even if the pregnancy was "unwanted".

The moment I knew the church I was going to was "my church" was when, in a sermon about abortion, the pastor reminded the congregation that caring about life is more than just abortion but helping the mom/family in a crisis pregnancy, etc. To me, that is the key to my moderate beliefs. Protect life but don't stop there- love all people and serve those in need.

I don't really know the point of all this other than to say although my gift of seeing all perspectives can be dangerous, I think I have cemented truth about life forever in my soul through this experience.

I never knew 8 cells could change my life so much!

Two Weeks

Two weeks from today I will be waking up to meet my embryos! I can't wait to see them! Tomorrow is my last l.upron (yay since it's my least favorite drug and because my face is totally broke out!). I also bump up to three e.straces a day which is always a burden to remember, but that's what iphones are for!

I found a great route to walk on my lunchbreak that is exactly one mile. It's nice to know my blood is flowing, and the fresh air, sunshine, as well as peace and quiet are a great bonus! I'm still drinking the POM and using heat. I gave up on the raspberries, though. I'll know in about nine days what my lining measures!

I'm worried that maybe I'm too optimistic. I feel about 95% sure this cycle will work. It just seems so matter of fact in my mind.

Two more weeks!!!!

No Big Deal

Just walking through K.roger and an email comes through... my first correspondence from our genetic family, Family D. With pictures!

You know, no big deal. Just standing in the chip aisle, seeing the faces of the couple who gifted us with embryos and the embryos' genetic siblings!!!!

16 Days Til Transfer

16 days til we transfer! I don't have any days off between now and transfer day- so 16 straight days of work. I'm confident, then, that this remaining time will fly by. Please say a prayer that my stress level will stay low and that my headaches can subside.  I've had a hormonal migraine, tension headache, or combination of the two almost every day for over 2 months, and I am worn out. I've tried heat, ice, massage, stretching, excedrin, my prescription migraine pills, steroid dose pack, caffeine, no caffeine... with sporadic relief. I bought a new flax seed heating pack (No, I don't get paid to say this- I LOVE my R.elax W.raps!!!), and I am on the hunt for the perfect new pillow.

I'm feeling positive. I feel more positive than ever. I can't imagine that this won't work. The statistics are overwhelmingly in our favor. We just can't keep being the unlucky ones. I know I can get pregnant. We have some strong embryos that are nearly hatching already. I know God can breathe life into the tiny frozen embryos and allow them to grow into a baby. We have 100s of people praying for us.  

Okay, I know we can keep being the unlucky ones, we really can, but please oh please not!

I just need to keep doing my part to stay healthy and minimize my stress. I won't take too much on (work and D are enough right now). I will keep eating well and taking my vitamins so I can avoid any kind of virus pre-transfer (I was sick prior to the first one and still coughing a lot at night for the first one). I will keep up drinking the P.OM and walking and using heat packs in hopes of a thick lining. THIS IS IT! We're in the home stretch of our successful cycle!

Weight Gain

You might be on e.strace when your eating habits haven't changed but you step on the scale and you've gained 5 pounds in 5 days... This is a really depressing part of embryo adoption!

Birthday Protocol

I had a birthday this week. I love emojis and I love emojji stories (eg: M.iley story). I was very humored to see the emoji story my sister texted me in honor of my big day.

It's probably tacky to talk publicly too much about work, so I left that part out, but she nailed just about everything... get up and drive D to work... then work... then drive to pick up D and drive to Mexican (hence the tomato for salsa) then celebrate my birthday and end the day with my l.upron and e.strace, a quick trip to the computer, and of course curling up with my cats for the night.

Yep, I'd say she got just about everything!