Sunday, December 29, 2013
8 Months of Waiting
It's been 8 months since our homestudy was complete (and about 28 months since we started this whole process to be parents, not that I'm counting). We should get an answer about Situation #3 sometime this week (our caseworker was off Thursday and Friday after Christmas).
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Hope in the Messiah
Nevertheless,
that time of darkness and despair will not go on forever. ... there will be a time in the
future when Galilee of the Gentiles, which lies along the road that runs
between the Jordan and the sea, will be filled with glory.
The people who walk in darkness
will see a great light.
For those who live in a land of deep darkness,
a light will shine.
will see a great light.
For those who live in a land of deep darkness,
a light will shine.
You will enlarge the nation of Israel,
and its people will rejoice.
They will rejoice before you
as people rejoice at the harvest
and like warriors dividing the plunder.
and its people will rejoice.
They will rejoice before you
as people rejoice at the harvest
and like warriors dividing the plunder.
For you will break the yoke of their slavery
and lift the heavy burden from their shoulders.
You will break the oppressor’s rod,
just as you did when you destroyed the army of Midian...
and lift the heavy burden from their shoulders.
You will break the oppressor’s rod,
just as you did when you destroyed the army of Midian...
For a child is born to us,
a son is given to us.
The government will rest on his shoulders.
And he will be called:
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
a son is given to us.
The government will rest on his shoulders.
And he will be called:
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
His government and its peace
will never end.
He will rule with fairness and justice from the throne of his ancestor David
for all eternity.
The passionate commitment of the Lord of Heaven’s Armies
will make this happen!
will never end.
He will rule with fairness and justice from the throne of his ancestor David
for all eternity.
The passionate commitment of the Lord of Heaven’s Armies
will make this happen!
-Isaiah 9:1-4, 6-7
Merry Christmas everyone! I'm so thankful that Christ was born to us, and He came to redeem us. In him, we can rejoice now, and one day, we can have complete joy.
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Holidays Can Bring Up Lots of Emotions
Holidays can bring up lots of emotions. Only a lucky few don't have mixed emotions, whether it is missing a loved one who has passed away, there has been a divorce or rift in the family, or our culture's migration of families apart from each other means long travel and not being able to spend as much time as you'd like with loved ones. Here is an excellent article about holiday pain in regards to adoption. Here is one about infertility.
Please spend a minute to pray for birth families who may be missing a loved little one, prospective adoptive families who are waiting for a child, families experiencing infertility, and kids in foster care as well as their biological and foster families.
Please spend a minute to pray for birth families who may be missing a loved little one, prospective adoptive families who are waiting for a child, families experiencing infertility, and kids in foster care as well as their biological and foster families.
Holidays cHolidays
are times when families gather to celebrate in traditional ways. Each
of these elements of holidays--family, tradition, and
recurrence--contributes to the joy. But each can also contribute to
stress. In adoptive families, the associations that different family
members bring to these elements may create different expectations or
more intense feelings.
Our culture has created the expectation of Hallmark holidays. Families are seldom greeting-card perfect, and adoptive families are no different. Yet, during the months and years we waited for our children, the fantasy of our ideal family may have crystallized into a holiday image. I remember one Easter Sunday, a few weeks after my husband and I had filed our application for our first adoption. As we sat at the kitchen table eating breakfast, we watched across the street as a four-year-old girl hunted for colored eggs. All our longing for a child was wrapped up in the joy of seeing a little girl in a ruffled dress and ski parka race around her yard clutching an Easter basket. Is it any wonder that, once we had children, our Easters would include an egg hunt that had never been part of my family tradition or my husband's?
When a ritual carries more meaning for some members of the family than for others, it may cause stress. My husband shared my association between an Easter egg hunt and my dreams of what my family would be like. But what if he hadn't? If he'd made even a casual comment that perhaps the children were getting too old for that sort of thing, it would have struck me as gross insensitivity.
Other aspects of "family" can also cause stress. If extended family members make insensitive remarks about adoption or a child's ethnic or racial group, if they favor the cousins who were born into the family over the ones who were adopted, or if they have little patience for the behaviors of children with special needs-all of these things can cause hurt feelings. Parents don't look forward to spending the holidays biting their tongues, but at the same time, they may not want to disrupt the occasion to deal with the problem either.
For infertile parents, seeing nieces and nephews who look like their parents can trigger feelings of loss they thought they had overcome. For children, the emphasis on being with family members whom they don't see often can remind them that they have a biological family somewhere else. This can be a tremendous loss for children old enough to understand that they have birth relatives, but who have no memory of them. Yet, we hold the hope that the holidays are a time for adopted children to celebrate being part of their new families-not grieve for families they don't remember.
The Impact on Older Children As adopted children reach adolescence, they begin to question what makes them part of a family and sometimes have difficulty believing that they are authentic members of their extended family. Family traditions that are distinctly ethnic may be problematic for the adoptee who does not share her adoptive family's heritage. For example, non-Jewish children adopted into Jewish families may question whether their own religious identity is valid.
Children adopted at an older age may have memories of holidays with birthfamilies, or traditions that aren't practiced in their adoptive homes. And they may have unrealistic expectations that they will hear from their biological relatives at holiday time. Holidays are usually times of indulgence for children, so they may be disappointed if all their wishes don't come true.
Some families find that holidays are stressful because it is difficult to make arrangements to spend time with all the grandparents, aunts, and uncles. Open adoptions add more layers of family; more relationships to negotiate; more expectations to satisfy.
A Time of Mixed Emotions Because the holidays are idealized as times of joyful celebration, people can be surprised that they feel sad, or unsupported if they express that grief. Parents may come home from a family gathering reluctant to admit feelings of loss at not having a child who looks like they do. Children may take to heart the admonition You'd better not pout, better not cry, believing Santa Claus will not come to their house if they are sad.
Claudia Jewett Jarrett, author of Helping Children Cope with Separation and Loss, says the emphasis on "being good" at Christmas can stir up children who believe they were placed for adoption because they were bad. In the book How It Feels to Be Adopted, author Jill Krementz quoted one boy who thought if he was bad he would get coal in his stocking and be sent back to his birthparents.
Children who were removed from their biological families due to abuse, neglect, or substance abuse may associate the holidays with traumatic times. Rather than approaching them with a sense of joyful anticipation, these children may unconsciously associate holidays with disappointment or violence.
How to Minimize Holiday Stress
Acknowledge that holidays can bring up a variety of feelings. Take the opportunity to talk with your children about them. Use stories, like Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer, to discuss how people sometimes feel they don't belong because they don't look like those around them.
Let go of any expectations that your family needs to experience holidays in a certain unvarying way to be a real family. You may find it works better for your family to rendezvous with a few relatives at a ski resort and save the big family gatherings for less emotionally charged holidays, such as the Fourth of July.
Admit that holidays don't have to be "perfect." All the food that grandma used to make might not get made-but you can still have a meaningful celebration. Talk openly with your children about expectations you have for the holidays and how you may change them or let some go. Tell them you feel sad about some of them not being realized. Be sure to take ownership of those feelings so that your kids don't feel they have to make up for what you're missing. The point is to model the reality that holidays sometimes don't live up to our expectations and that we own the expectation.
Sustain a relationship with your child's birthfamily in an open adoption all year long so that the relationship doesn't depend entirely on the holidays. With open communication all year long, and opportunities for contact throughout the year, there may be more flexibility during the holidays.
Examine the patterns of your holidays. Rather than repeating those patterns each year and hoping for a different outcome, change the patterns. Develop rituals and traditions to fit your family, even if they may be different from the rituals and traditions you had growing up or those you imagined your family would have.
Recognize that the human experience brings sadness as well as joy. Children could not experience the benefits of adoptive families without the loss of the birthfamily. Often, adoptive parents would not experience the joy of family without the pain of infertility. Holidays are not failures if they bring both sadness and joy. The abundance and joy of the first Thanksgiving would not have happened had there not been near starvation the previous year. The deliverance of Hanukkah would not have happened without there first being death. A Redeemer's birth would not be celebrated had there not been human failings.
Lois Melina, author of the highly regarded books Raising Adopted Children and Making Sense of Adoption has published Adopted Child newsletter since 1981. Melina's newsletter has gained an international reputation as a trusted resource for adoptive parents. We are pleased that Adopted Child is published exclusively in Adopted Families. © 2001 Copyright Adoptive Families Magazine. - See more at: http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=26#sthash.OF5rdhNM.dpuf
Our culture has created the expectation of Hallmark holidays. Families are seldom greeting-card perfect, and adoptive families are no different. Yet, during the months and years we waited for our children, the fantasy of our ideal family may have crystallized into a holiday image. I remember one Easter Sunday, a few weeks after my husband and I had filed our application for our first adoption. As we sat at the kitchen table eating breakfast, we watched across the street as a four-year-old girl hunted for colored eggs. All our longing for a child was wrapped up in the joy of seeing a little girl in a ruffled dress and ski parka race around her yard clutching an Easter basket. Is it any wonder that, once we had children, our Easters would include an egg hunt that had never been part of my family tradition or my husband's?
When a ritual carries more meaning for some members of the family than for others, it may cause stress. My husband shared my association between an Easter egg hunt and my dreams of what my family would be like. But what if he hadn't? If he'd made even a casual comment that perhaps the children were getting too old for that sort of thing, it would have struck me as gross insensitivity.
Other aspects of "family" can also cause stress. If extended family members make insensitive remarks about adoption or a child's ethnic or racial group, if they favor the cousins who were born into the family over the ones who were adopted, or if they have little patience for the behaviors of children with special needs-all of these things can cause hurt feelings. Parents don't look forward to spending the holidays biting their tongues, but at the same time, they may not want to disrupt the occasion to deal with the problem either.
For infertile parents, seeing nieces and nephews who look like their parents can trigger feelings of loss they thought they had overcome. For children, the emphasis on being with family members whom they don't see often can remind them that they have a biological family somewhere else. This can be a tremendous loss for children old enough to understand that they have birth relatives, but who have no memory of them. Yet, we hold the hope that the holidays are a time for adopted children to celebrate being part of their new families-not grieve for families they don't remember.
The Impact on Older Children As adopted children reach adolescence, they begin to question what makes them part of a family and sometimes have difficulty believing that they are authentic members of their extended family. Family traditions that are distinctly ethnic may be problematic for the adoptee who does not share her adoptive family's heritage. For example, non-Jewish children adopted into Jewish families may question whether their own religious identity is valid.
Children adopted at an older age may have memories of holidays with birthfamilies, or traditions that aren't practiced in their adoptive homes. And they may have unrealistic expectations that they will hear from their biological relatives at holiday time. Holidays are usually times of indulgence for children, so they may be disappointed if all their wishes don't come true.
Some families find that holidays are stressful because it is difficult to make arrangements to spend time with all the grandparents, aunts, and uncles. Open adoptions add more layers of family; more relationships to negotiate; more expectations to satisfy.
A Time of Mixed Emotions Because the holidays are idealized as times of joyful celebration, people can be surprised that they feel sad, or unsupported if they express that grief. Parents may come home from a family gathering reluctant to admit feelings of loss at not having a child who looks like they do. Children may take to heart the admonition You'd better not pout, better not cry, believing Santa Claus will not come to their house if they are sad.
Claudia Jewett Jarrett, author of Helping Children Cope with Separation and Loss, says the emphasis on "being good" at Christmas can stir up children who believe they were placed for adoption because they were bad. In the book How It Feels to Be Adopted, author Jill Krementz quoted one boy who thought if he was bad he would get coal in his stocking and be sent back to his birthparents.
Children who were removed from their biological families due to abuse, neglect, or substance abuse may associate the holidays with traumatic times. Rather than approaching them with a sense of joyful anticipation, these children may unconsciously associate holidays with disappointment or violence.
How to Minimize Holiday Stress
Acknowledge that holidays can bring up a variety of feelings. Take the opportunity to talk with your children about them. Use stories, like Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer, to discuss how people sometimes feel they don't belong because they don't look like those around them.
Let go of any expectations that your family needs to experience holidays in a certain unvarying way to be a real family. You may find it works better for your family to rendezvous with a few relatives at a ski resort and save the big family gatherings for less emotionally charged holidays, such as the Fourth of July.
Admit that holidays don't have to be "perfect." All the food that grandma used to make might not get made-but you can still have a meaningful celebration. Talk openly with your children about expectations you have for the holidays and how you may change them or let some go. Tell them you feel sad about some of them not being realized. Be sure to take ownership of those feelings so that your kids don't feel they have to make up for what you're missing. The point is to model the reality that holidays sometimes don't live up to our expectations and that we own the expectation.
Sustain a relationship with your child's birthfamily in an open adoption all year long so that the relationship doesn't depend entirely on the holidays. With open communication all year long, and opportunities for contact throughout the year, there may be more flexibility during the holidays.
Examine the patterns of your holidays. Rather than repeating those patterns each year and hoping for a different outcome, change the patterns. Develop rituals and traditions to fit your family, even if they may be different from the rituals and traditions you had growing up or those you imagined your family would have.
Recognize that the human experience brings sadness as well as joy. Children could not experience the benefits of adoptive families without the loss of the birthfamily. Often, adoptive parents would not experience the joy of family without the pain of infertility. Holidays are not failures if they bring both sadness and joy. The abundance and joy of the first Thanksgiving would not have happened had there not been near starvation the previous year. The deliverance of Hanukkah would not have happened without there first being death. A Redeemer's birth would not be celebrated had there not been human failings.
Lois Melina, author of the highly regarded books Raising Adopted Children and Making Sense of Adoption has published Adopted Child newsletter since 1981. Melina's newsletter has gained an international reputation as a trusted resource for adoptive parents. We are pleased that Adopted Child is published exclusively in Adopted Families. © 2001 Copyright Adoptive Families Magazine. - See more at: http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=26#sthash.OF5rdhNM.dpuf
Holidays
are times when families gather to celebrate in traditional ways. Each
of these elements of holidays--family, tradition, and
recurrence--contributes to the joy. But each can also contribute to
stress. In adoptive families, the associations that different family
members bring to these elements may create different expectations or
more intense feelings.
Our culture has created the expectation of Hallmark holidays. Families are seldom greeting-card perfect, and adoptive families are no different. Yet, during the months and years we waited for our children, the fantasy of our ideal family may have crystallized into a holiday image. I remember one Easter Sunday, a few weeks after my husband and I had filed our application for our first adoption. As we sat at the kitchen table eating breakfast, we watched across the street as a four-year-old girl hunted for colored eggs. All our longing for a child was wrapped up in the joy of seeing a little girl in a ruffled dress and ski parka race around her yard clutching an Easter basket. Is it any wonder that, once we had children, our Easters would include an egg hunt that had never been part of my family tradition or my husband's?
When a ritual carries more meaning for some members of the family than for others, it may cause stress. My husband shared my association between an Easter egg hunt and my dreams of what my family would be like. But what if he hadn't? If he'd made even a casual comment that perhaps the children were getting too old for that sort of thing, it would have struck me as gross insensitivity.
Other aspects of "family" can also cause stress. If extended family members make insensitive remarks about adoption or a child's ethnic or racial group, if they favor the cousins who were born into the family over the ones who were adopted, or if they have little patience for the behaviors of children with special needs-all of these things can cause hurt feelings. Parents don't look forward to spending the holidays biting their tongues, but at the same time, they may not want to disrupt the occasion to deal with the problem either.
For infertile parents, seeing nieces and nephews who look like their parents can trigger feelings of loss they thought they had overcome. For children, the emphasis on being with family members whom they don't see often can remind them that they have a biological family somewhere else. This can be a tremendous loss for children old enough to understand that they have birth relatives, but who have no memory of them. Yet, we hold the hope that the holidays are a time for adopted children to celebrate being part of their new families-not grieve for families they don't remember.
The Impact on Older Children As adopted children reach adolescence, they begin to question what makes them part of a family and sometimes have difficulty believing that they are authentic members of their extended family. Family traditions that are distinctly ethnic may be problematic for the adoptee who does not share her adoptive family's heritage. For example, non-Jewish children adopted into Jewish families may question whether their own religious identity is valid.
Children adopted at an older age may have memories of holidays with birthfamilies, or traditions that aren't practiced in their adoptive homes. And they may have unrealistic expectations that they will hear from their biological relatives at holiday time. Holidays are usually times of indulgence for children, so they may be disappointed if all their wishes don't come true.
Some families find that holidays are stressful because it is difficult to make arrangements to spend time with all the grandparents, aunts, and uncles. Open adoptions add more layers of family; more relationships to negotiate; more expectations to satisfy.
A Time of Mixed Emotions Because the holidays are idealized as times of joyful celebration, people can be surprised that they feel sad, or unsupported if they express that grief. Parents may come home from a family gathering reluctant to admit feelings of loss at not having a child who looks like they do. Children may take to heart the admonition You'd better not pout, better not cry, believing Santa Claus will not come to their house if they are sad.
Claudia Jewett Jarrett, author of Helping Children Cope with Separation and Loss, says the emphasis on "being good" at Christmas can stir up children who believe they were placed for adoption because they were bad. In the book How It Feels to Be Adopted, author Jill Krementz quoted one boy who thought if he was bad he would get coal in his stocking and be sent back to his birthparents.
Children who were removed from their biological families due to abuse, neglect, or substance abuse may associate the holidays with traumatic times. Rather than approaching them with a sense of joyful anticipation, these children may unconsciously associate holidays with disappointment or violence.
How to Minimize Holiday Stress
Acknowledge that holidays can bring up a variety of feelings. Take the opportunity to talk with your children about them. Use stories, like Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer, to discuss how people sometimes feel they don't belong because they don't look like those around them.
Let go of any expectations that your family needs to experience holidays in a certain unvarying way to be a real family. You may find it works better for your family to rendezvous with a few relatives at a ski resort and save the big family gatherings for less emotionally charged holidays, such as the Fourth of July.
Admit that holidays don't have to be "perfect." All the food that grandma used to make might not get made-but you can still have a meaningful celebration. Talk openly with your children about expectations you have for the holidays and how you may change them or let some go. Tell them you feel sad about some of them not being realized. Be sure to take ownership of those feelings so that your kids don't feel they have to make up for what you're missing. The point is to model the reality that holidays sometimes don't live up to our expectations and that we own the expectation.
Sustain a relationship with your child's birthfamily in an open adoption all year long so that the relationship doesn't depend entirely on the holidays. With open communication all year long, and opportunities for contact throughout the year, there may be more flexibility during the holidays.
Examine the patterns of your holidays. Rather than repeating those patterns each year and hoping for a different outcome, change the patterns. Develop rituals and traditions to fit your family, even if they may be different from the rituals and traditions you had growing up or those you imagined your family would have.
Recognize that the human experience brings sadness as well as joy. Children could not experience the benefits of adoptive families without the loss of the birthfamily. Often, adoptive parents would not experience the joy of family without the pain of infertility. Holidays are not failures if they bring both sadness and joy. The abundance and joy of the first Thanksgiving would not have happened had there not been near starvation the previous year. The deliverance of Hanukkah would not have happened without there first being death. A Redeemer's birth would not be celebrated had there not been human failings.
Lois Melina, author of the highly regarded books Raising Adopted Children and Making Sense of Adoption has published Adopted Child newsletter since 1981. Melina's newsletter has gained an international reputation as a trusted resource for adoptive parents. We are pleased that Adopted Child is published exclusively in Adopted Families. © 2001 Copyright Adoptive Families Magazine. - See more at: http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=26#sthash.OF5rdhNM.dpuf
Our culture has created the expectation of Hallmark holidays. Families are seldom greeting-card perfect, and adoptive families are no different. Yet, during the months and years we waited for our children, the fantasy of our ideal family may have crystallized into a holiday image. I remember one Easter Sunday, a few weeks after my husband and I had filed our application for our first adoption. As we sat at the kitchen table eating breakfast, we watched across the street as a four-year-old girl hunted for colored eggs. All our longing for a child was wrapped up in the joy of seeing a little girl in a ruffled dress and ski parka race around her yard clutching an Easter basket. Is it any wonder that, once we had children, our Easters would include an egg hunt that had never been part of my family tradition or my husband's?
When a ritual carries more meaning for some members of the family than for others, it may cause stress. My husband shared my association between an Easter egg hunt and my dreams of what my family would be like. But what if he hadn't? If he'd made even a casual comment that perhaps the children were getting too old for that sort of thing, it would have struck me as gross insensitivity.
Other aspects of "family" can also cause stress. If extended family members make insensitive remarks about adoption or a child's ethnic or racial group, if they favor the cousins who were born into the family over the ones who were adopted, or if they have little patience for the behaviors of children with special needs-all of these things can cause hurt feelings. Parents don't look forward to spending the holidays biting their tongues, but at the same time, they may not want to disrupt the occasion to deal with the problem either.
For infertile parents, seeing nieces and nephews who look like their parents can trigger feelings of loss they thought they had overcome. For children, the emphasis on being with family members whom they don't see often can remind them that they have a biological family somewhere else. This can be a tremendous loss for children old enough to understand that they have birth relatives, but who have no memory of them. Yet, we hold the hope that the holidays are a time for adopted children to celebrate being part of their new families-not grieve for families they don't remember.
The Impact on Older Children As adopted children reach adolescence, they begin to question what makes them part of a family and sometimes have difficulty believing that they are authentic members of their extended family. Family traditions that are distinctly ethnic may be problematic for the adoptee who does not share her adoptive family's heritage. For example, non-Jewish children adopted into Jewish families may question whether their own religious identity is valid.
Children adopted at an older age may have memories of holidays with birthfamilies, or traditions that aren't practiced in their adoptive homes. And they may have unrealistic expectations that they will hear from their biological relatives at holiday time. Holidays are usually times of indulgence for children, so they may be disappointed if all their wishes don't come true.
Some families find that holidays are stressful because it is difficult to make arrangements to spend time with all the grandparents, aunts, and uncles. Open adoptions add more layers of family; more relationships to negotiate; more expectations to satisfy.
A Time of Mixed Emotions Because the holidays are idealized as times of joyful celebration, people can be surprised that they feel sad, or unsupported if they express that grief. Parents may come home from a family gathering reluctant to admit feelings of loss at not having a child who looks like they do. Children may take to heart the admonition You'd better not pout, better not cry, believing Santa Claus will not come to their house if they are sad.
Claudia Jewett Jarrett, author of Helping Children Cope with Separation and Loss, says the emphasis on "being good" at Christmas can stir up children who believe they were placed for adoption because they were bad. In the book How It Feels to Be Adopted, author Jill Krementz quoted one boy who thought if he was bad he would get coal in his stocking and be sent back to his birthparents.
Children who were removed from their biological families due to abuse, neglect, or substance abuse may associate the holidays with traumatic times. Rather than approaching them with a sense of joyful anticipation, these children may unconsciously associate holidays with disappointment or violence.
How to Minimize Holiday Stress
Acknowledge that holidays can bring up a variety of feelings. Take the opportunity to talk with your children about them. Use stories, like Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer, to discuss how people sometimes feel they don't belong because they don't look like those around them.
Let go of any expectations that your family needs to experience holidays in a certain unvarying way to be a real family. You may find it works better for your family to rendezvous with a few relatives at a ski resort and save the big family gatherings for less emotionally charged holidays, such as the Fourth of July.
Admit that holidays don't have to be "perfect." All the food that grandma used to make might not get made-but you can still have a meaningful celebration. Talk openly with your children about expectations you have for the holidays and how you may change them or let some go. Tell them you feel sad about some of them not being realized. Be sure to take ownership of those feelings so that your kids don't feel they have to make up for what you're missing. The point is to model the reality that holidays sometimes don't live up to our expectations and that we own the expectation.
Sustain a relationship with your child's birthfamily in an open adoption all year long so that the relationship doesn't depend entirely on the holidays. With open communication all year long, and opportunities for contact throughout the year, there may be more flexibility during the holidays.
Examine the patterns of your holidays. Rather than repeating those patterns each year and hoping for a different outcome, change the patterns. Develop rituals and traditions to fit your family, even if they may be different from the rituals and traditions you had growing up or those you imagined your family would have.
Recognize that the human experience brings sadness as well as joy. Children could not experience the benefits of adoptive families without the loss of the birthfamily. Often, adoptive parents would not experience the joy of family without the pain of infertility. Holidays are not failures if they bring both sadness and joy. The abundance and joy of the first Thanksgiving would not have happened had there not been near starvation the previous year. The deliverance of Hanukkah would not have happened without there first being death. A Redeemer's birth would not be celebrated had there not been human failings.
Lois Melina, author of the highly regarded books Raising Adopted Children and Making Sense of Adoption has published Adopted Child newsletter since 1981. Melina's newsletter has gained an international reputation as a trusted resource for adoptive parents. We are pleased that Adopted Child is published exclusively in Adopted Families. © 2001 Copyright Adoptive Families Magazine. - See more at: http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=26#sthash.OF5rdhNM.dpuf
Holidays
are times when families gather to celebrate in traditional ways. Each
of these elements of holidays--family, tradition, and
recurrence--contributes to the joy. But each can also contribute to
stress. In adoptive families, the associations that different family
members bring to these elements may create different expectations or
more intense feelings.
Our culture has created the expectation of Hallmark holidays. Families are seldom greeting-card perfect, and adoptive families are no different. Yet, during the months and years we waited for our children, the fantasy of our ideal family may have crystallized into a holiday image. I remember one Easter Sunday, a few weeks after my husband and I had filed our application for our first adoption. As we sat at the kitchen table eating breakfast, we watched across the street as a four-year-old girl hunted for colored eggs. All our longing for a child was wrapped up in the joy of seeing a little girl in a ruffled dress and ski parka race around her yard clutching an Easter basket. Is it any wonder that, once we had children, our Easters would include an egg hunt that had never been part of my family tradition or my husband's?
When a ritual carries more meaning for some members of the family than for others, it may cause stress. My husband shared my association between an Easter egg hunt and my dreams of what my family would be like. But what if he hadn't? If he'd made even a casual comment that perhaps the children were getting too old for that sort of thing, it would have struck me as gross insensitivity.
Other aspects of "family" can also cause stress. If extended family members make insensitive remarks about adoption or a child's ethnic or racial group, if they favor the cousins who were born into the family over the ones who were adopted, or if they have little patience for the behaviors of children with special needs-all of these things can cause hurt feelings. Parents don't look forward to spending the holidays biting their tongues, but at the same time, they may not want to disrupt the occasion to deal with the problem either.
For infertile parents, seeing nieces and nephews who look like their parents can trigger feelings of loss they thought they had overcome. For children, the emphasis on being with family members whom they don't see often can remind them that they have a biological family somewhere else. This can be a tremendous loss for children old enough to understand that they have birth relatives, but who have no memory of them. Yet, we hold the hope that the holidays are a time for adopted children to celebrate being part of their new families-not grieve for families they don't remember.
The Impact on Older Children As adopted children reach adolescence, they begin to question what makes them part of a family and sometimes have difficulty believing that they are authentic members of their extended family. Family traditions that are distinctly ethnic may be problematic for the adoptee who does not share her adoptive family's heritage. For example, non-Jewish children adopted into Jewish families may question whether their own religious identity is valid.
Children adopted at an older age may have memories of holidays with birthfamilies, or traditions that aren't practiced in their adoptive homes. And they may have unrealistic expectations that they will hear from their biological relatives at holiday time. Holidays are usually times of indulgence for children, so they may be disappointed if all their wishes don't come true.
Some families find that holidays are stressful because it is difficult to make arrangements to spend time with all the grandparents, aunts, and uncles. Open adoptions add more layers of family; more relationships to negotiate; more expectations to satisfy.
A Time of Mixed Emotions Because the holidays are idealized as times of joyful celebration, people can be surprised that they feel sad, or unsupported if they express that grief. Parents may come home from a family gathering reluctant to admit feelings of loss at not having a child who looks like they do. Children may take to heart the admonition You'd better not pout, better not cry, believing Santa Claus will not come to their house if they are sad.
Claudia Jewett Jarrett, author of Helping Children Cope with Separation and Loss, says the emphasis on "being good" at Christmas can stir up children who believe they were placed for adoption because they were bad. In the book How It Feels to Be Adopted, author Jill Krementz quoted one boy who thought if he was bad he would get coal in his stocking and be sent back to his birthparents.
Children who were removed from their biological families due to abuse, neglect, or substance abuse may associate the holidays with traumatic times. Rather than approaching them with a sense of joyful anticipation, these children may unconsciously associate holidays with disappointment or violence.
How to Minimize Holiday Stress
Acknowledge that holidays can bring up a variety of feelings. Take the opportunity to talk with your children about them. Use stories, like Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer, to discuss how people sometimes feel they don't belong because they don't look like those around them.
Let go of any expectations that your family needs to experience holidays in a certain unvarying way to be a real family. You may find it works better for your family to rendezvous with a few relatives at a ski resort and save the big family gatherings for less emotionally charged holidays, such as the Fourth of July.
Admit that holidays don't have to be "perfect." All the food that grandma used to make might not get made-but you can still have a meaningful celebration. Talk openly with your children about expectations you have for the holidays and how you may change them or let some go. Tell them you feel sad about some of them not being realized. Be sure to take ownership of those feelings so that your kids don't feel they have to make up for what you're missing. The point is to model the reality that holidays sometimes don't live up to our expectations and that we own the expectation.
Sustain a relationship with your child's birthfamily in an open adoption all year long so that the relationship doesn't depend entirely on the holidays. With open communication all year long, and opportunities for contact throughout the year, there may be more flexibility during the holidays.
Examine the patterns of your holidays. Rather than repeating those patterns each year and hoping for a different outcome, change the patterns. Develop rituals and traditions to fit your family, even if they may be different from the rituals and traditions you had growing up or those you imagined your family would have.
Recognize that the human experience brings sadness as well as joy. Children could not experience the benefits of adoptive families without the loss of the birthfamily. Often, adoptive parents would not experience the joy of family without the pain of infertility. Holidays are not failures if they bring both sadness and joy. The abundance and joy of the first Thanksgiving would not have happened had there not been near starvation the previous year. The deliverance of Hanukkah would not have happened without there first being death. A Redeemer's birth would not be celebrated had there not been human failings.
Lois Melina, author of the highly regarded books Raising Adopted Children and Making Sense of Adoption has published Adopted Child newsletter since 1981. Melina's newsletter has gained an international reputation as a trusted resource for adoptive parents. We are pleased that Adopted Child is published exclusively in Adopted Families. © 2001 Copyright Adoptive Families Magazine. - See more at: http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=26#sthash.OF5rdhNM.dpuf
Our culture has created the expectation of Hallmark holidays. Families are seldom greeting-card perfect, and adoptive families are no different. Yet, during the months and years we waited for our children, the fantasy of our ideal family may have crystallized into a holiday image. I remember one Easter Sunday, a few weeks after my husband and I had filed our application for our first adoption. As we sat at the kitchen table eating breakfast, we watched across the street as a four-year-old girl hunted for colored eggs. All our longing for a child was wrapped up in the joy of seeing a little girl in a ruffled dress and ski parka race around her yard clutching an Easter basket. Is it any wonder that, once we had children, our Easters would include an egg hunt that had never been part of my family tradition or my husband's?
When a ritual carries more meaning for some members of the family than for others, it may cause stress. My husband shared my association between an Easter egg hunt and my dreams of what my family would be like. But what if he hadn't? If he'd made even a casual comment that perhaps the children were getting too old for that sort of thing, it would have struck me as gross insensitivity.
Other aspects of "family" can also cause stress. If extended family members make insensitive remarks about adoption or a child's ethnic or racial group, if they favor the cousins who were born into the family over the ones who were adopted, or if they have little patience for the behaviors of children with special needs-all of these things can cause hurt feelings. Parents don't look forward to spending the holidays biting their tongues, but at the same time, they may not want to disrupt the occasion to deal with the problem either.
For infertile parents, seeing nieces and nephews who look like their parents can trigger feelings of loss they thought they had overcome. For children, the emphasis on being with family members whom they don't see often can remind them that they have a biological family somewhere else. This can be a tremendous loss for children old enough to understand that they have birth relatives, but who have no memory of them. Yet, we hold the hope that the holidays are a time for adopted children to celebrate being part of their new families-not grieve for families they don't remember.
The Impact on Older Children As adopted children reach adolescence, they begin to question what makes them part of a family and sometimes have difficulty believing that they are authentic members of their extended family. Family traditions that are distinctly ethnic may be problematic for the adoptee who does not share her adoptive family's heritage. For example, non-Jewish children adopted into Jewish families may question whether their own religious identity is valid.
Children adopted at an older age may have memories of holidays with birthfamilies, or traditions that aren't practiced in their adoptive homes. And they may have unrealistic expectations that they will hear from their biological relatives at holiday time. Holidays are usually times of indulgence for children, so they may be disappointed if all their wishes don't come true.
Some families find that holidays are stressful because it is difficult to make arrangements to spend time with all the grandparents, aunts, and uncles. Open adoptions add more layers of family; more relationships to negotiate; more expectations to satisfy.
A Time of Mixed Emotions Because the holidays are idealized as times of joyful celebration, people can be surprised that they feel sad, or unsupported if they express that grief. Parents may come home from a family gathering reluctant to admit feelings of loss at not having a child who looks like they do. Children may take to heart the admonition You'd better not pout, better not cry, believing Santa Claus will not come to their house if they are sad.
Claudia Jewett Jarrett, author of Helping Children Cope with Separation and Loss, says the emphasis on "being good" at Christmas can stir up children who believe they were placed for adoption because they were bad. In the book How It Feels to Be Adopted, author Jill Krementz quoted one boy who thought if he was bad he would get coal in his stocking and be sent back to his birthparents.
Children who were removed from their biological families due to abuse, neglect, or substance abuse may associate the holidays with traumatic times. Rather than approaching them with a sense of joyful anticipation, these children may unconsciously associate holidays with disappointment or violence.
How to Minimize Holiday Stress
Acknowledge that holidays can bring up a variety of feelings. Take the opportunity to talk with your children about them. Use stories, like Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer, to discuss how people sometimes feel they don't belong because they don't look like those around them.
Let go of any expectations that your family needs to experience holidays in a certain unvarying way to be a real family. You may find it works better for your family to rendezvous with a few relatives at a ski resort and save the big family gatherings for less emotionally charged holidays, such as the Fourth of July.
Admit that holidays don't have to be "perfect." All the food that grandma used to make might not get made-but you can still have a meaningful celebration. Talk openly with your children about expectations you have for the holidays and how you may change them or let some go. Tell them you feel sad about some of them not being realized. Be sure to take ownership of those feelings so that your kids don't feel they have to make up for what you're missing. The point is to model the reality that holidays sometimes don't live up to our expectations and that we own the expectation.
Sustain a relationship with your child's birthfamily in an open adoption all year long so that the relationship doesn't depend entirely on the holidays. With open communication all year long, and opportunities for contact throughout the year, there may be more flexibility during the holidays.
Examine the patterns of your holidays. Rather than repeating those patterns each year and hoping for a different outcome, change the patterns. Develop rituals and traditions to fit your family, even if they may be different from the rituals and traditions you had growing up or those you imagined your family would have.
Recognize that the human experience brings sadness as well as joy. Children could not experience the benefits of adoptive families without the loss of the birthfamily. Often, adoptive parents would not experience the joy of family without the pain of infertility. Holidays are not failures if they bring both sadness and joy. The abundance and joy of the first Thanksgiving would not have happened had there not been near starvation the previous year. The deliverance of Hanukkah would not have happened without there first being death. A Redeemer's birth would not be celebrated had there not been human failings.
Lois Melina, author of the highly regarded books Raising Adopted Children and Making Sense of Adoption has published Adopted Child newsletter since 1981. Melina's newsletter has gained an international reputation as a trusted resource for adoptive parents. We are pleased that Adopted Child is published exclusively in Adopted Families. © 2001 Copyright Adoptive Families Magazine. - See more at: http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=26#sthash.OF5rdhNM.dpuf
Friday, December 20, 2013
Still No Decision
Today marks the second deadline for Situation #3. Originally, we were supposed to hear by this past Tuesday, and then we were supposed to hear by today. Apparently our agency's expectant mom counselor has been busy with a baby born this week (yay for one of our fellow families!) so she has not been able to meet with the expectant mom looking at our books to discuss her decision. So, books are in hand, but we are still waiting. The agency says not to expect an answer one way or the other until after Christmas.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
No Decision Yet
I talked to the agency and found out the expectant mom didn't end up getting the profile books until yesterday (instead of last week). I don't know if that's because all of Nashville basically shut down last Tuesday due to ice or because she is hesitant. There's supposed to be a decision by the end of the week.
Nothing goes as planned. Time drags on. But when we have our son or daughter, it will be worth it. I'm still praying for this woman and her family to have peace and clarity. I pray when the situation is right, it will be evident to us and our future child's birthparent.
Monday, December 16, 2013
Grant #1
I applied for two grants. I heard back on one of them today.
"Thank you for applying for a grant from Helpusadopt.org.
We received an overwhelming response to our call for applications and had a limited amount of funds to disperse. Unfortunately, we are not able to grant your request.
This grant cycle we received 380 applications with financial requests approximating $3 million dollars. We had $100,000 to award.
Though we understand that it is no consolation for the disappointment you must feel at receiving this news, please know that we are actively working to increase the amount of funds we can grant in the future. Our commitment to helping families grow through adoption only becomes stronger with each letter like this that we must send.
We sincerely wish you all the best as you continue your adoption journey".
"Thank you for applying for a grant from Helpusadopt.org.
We received an overwhelming response to our call for applications and had a limited amount of funds to disperse. Unfortunately, we are not able to grant your request.
This grant cycle we received 380 applications with financial requests approximating $3 million dollars. We had $100,000 to award.
Though we understand that it is no consolation for the disappointment you must feel at receiving this news, please know that we are actively working to increase the amount of funds we can grant in the future. Our commitment to helping families grow through adoption only becomes stronger with each letter like this that we must send.
We sincerely wish you all the best as you continue your adoption journey".
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Isaiah 61
The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me,
for the Lord has anointed me
to bring good news to the poor.
He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted
and to proclaim that captives will be released
and prisoners will be freed.
He has sent me to tell those who mourn
that the time of the Lord’s favor has come,
and with it, the day of God’s anger against their enemies.
To all who mourn in Israel,
he will give a crown of beauty for ashes,
a joyous blessing instead of mourning,
festive praise instead of despair.
In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks
that the Lord has planted for his own glory.
They will rebuild the ancient ruins,
repairing cities destroyed long ago.
They will revive them,
though they have been deserted for many generations.
Foreigners will be your servants.
They will feed your flocks
and plow your fields
and tend your vineyards.
You will be called priests of the Lord,
ministers of our God.
You will feed on the treasures of the nations
and boast in their riches.
Instead of shame and dishonor,
you will enjoy a double share of honor.
You will possess a double portion of prosperity in your
land,
and everlasting joy will be yours.
“For I, the Lord, love justice.
I hate robbery and wrongdoing.
I will faithfully reward my people for their suffering
and make an everlasting covenant with them.
Their descendants will be recognized
and honored among the nations.
Everyone will realize that they are a people
the Lord has blessed.”
I am overwhelmed with joy in the Lord my God!
For he has dressed me with the clothing of salvation
and draped me in a robe of righteousness.
I am like a bridegroom in his wedding suit
or a bride with her jewels.
The Sovereign Lord will show his justice to the nations of
the world.
Everyone will praise him!
His righteousness will be like a garden in early spring,
with plants springing up everywhere.
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Monday, December 9, 2013
Ten Things Everyone Should Know About Babies [repost]
Note: While I don't agree with everything in this article, I think it has a lot of prudent points to approach parenting.
Have you noticed all the stressed babies? Maybe one in 30 I see has glowing eyes, a sign of thriving. What's up? Perhaps ignorance about babies and their needs. Here are 10 things to know.
1. Babies are social mammals with social mammalian needs. Social mammals emerged more than 30 million years ago with intensive parenting (the developmental nest or niche). This is one of the many (extra-genetic) things that evolved other than genes. This developmental nest is required for an individual to develop properly. Intensive parenting practices include years of breastfeeding to develop brain and body systems, nearly constant touch and physical presence of caregivers, responsiveness to needs without distress, free play with multi-aged playmates, and soothing perinatal experiences. Each of these has significant effects on physical health.
2. Human babies are born "half-baked" and require an external womb. Humans are born way early compared to other animals: 9 months early in terms of mobility and 18 months early in terms of bone development and foraging capacities. Full-term babies have 25% of adult brain volume and most of it grows in the first 5 years. Thus, the human nest for its young evolved to be even more intense than for other social mammals because of the underdeveloped newborn, lasting for 3-5 years. Humans also added to the list of expected care a village of positive social support for both mother and baby. Actually, human brain development lasts into the third decade of life, suggesting that social support and mentoring continue at least that long.
3. If adults mess up on the post-birth “baking,” longterm problems can result. Each of the caregiving practices mentioned above has longterm effects on the physical health but also social health of the individual. For example, distressing babies regularly or intensively (by not giving them what they need) undermines self-regulatory systems. This is common knowledge in other cultures and was so in our past. In Spanish, there is a term used for adolescents and adults who misbehave: malcriado (misraised).
4. Babies thrive on affectionate love. When babies receive food and diaper changes and little else, they die. If they receive partial attention and stay alive, it is still not enough--they won’t reach their full potential. Urie Bronfenbrenner, who emphasized the multiple systems of support that foster optimal development, said that babies do best when at least one person is crazy about them. Others have noted that children grow best with three affectionate, consistent caregivers. In fact, babies expect more than mom and dad for loving care. Babies are ready for a community of close, responsive caregivers that includes mother nearby.
5. Babies’ right hemisphere of the brain is developing rapidly in the first three years. The right hemisphere develops in response to face-to-face social experience, with extended shared eye gaze. The right hemisphere governs self-regulatory systems. If babies are placed in front of screens, ignored or isolated, they are missing critical experiences.
6. Babies expect to play and move. Babies expect to be “in arms” or on the body of the caregiver most of the time. Skin-to-skin contact is a calming influence. After learning this one of my students when at a family gathering took a crying baby and held it to his neck, which calmed it down. Babies expect companionship not isolation or intrusion. They expect to be in the middle of community social life.They are ready to play from birth. Play is a primary method for learning self-control and social skills. Companionship care—friendship, mutual responsiveness and playfulness—builds social and practical intelligence. Babies and caregivers share intersubjective states, building the child’s capacities for the interpersonal “dances” that fill social life.
7. Babies have built-in warning systems. If they are not getting what they need, babies let you know. It is best, as most cultures have long known, to respond to a baby’s grimace or gesture and not to wait till crying occurs. Young babies have difficulty stopping crying once it starts. The best advice for baby care is to sensitively follow the baby, not the experts.
8. Babies lock their experiences into procedural memory vaults that will be inaccessible but apparent in later behavior and attitudes. Babies can be traumatized from neglecting the list of needs above. They won’t forget. It will undermine their trust of others, their health and social wellbeing, and lead to self-centered morality which can do much destruction to the world.
9. Culture does not erase the evolved needs babies have. Babies cannot retract their mammalian needs. Yet, some adult cultures advocate violating baby needs as if they do not matter and despite the protests of the baby. Everyday violations include baby isolation like sleeping alone, “crying it out” sleep training, infant formula, or baby videos and flashcards.* When violations occur regularly, at critical time periods or are intense, they undermine optimal development. These violations are encoded in the baby’s body as the optimal development of systems is undermined (e.g., immunity, neurotransmitters, endocrine systems like oxytocin). Surprisingly, some developmental psychologists think it fine to violate these needs** in order for the child to fit into their culture.
The rationalization of “culture over biology” reflects a lack of understanding not only of human nature but of optimal development. This has occurred in laboratories with other animals whose natures were misunderstood. For example, Harry Harlow, known for his experiments with monkeys and “mother love,” at first did not realize he was raising abnormal monkeys when he isolated them in cages. Similarly, at least one of the aggressive rat strains used in lab studies today were first created when scientists isolated offspring after birth, again not realizing the abnormality of isolation. Note how the cultural assumptions of the scientists created the abnormal animals. So it matters what cultural assumptions you have.
The culture-over-biology view may be doing the same thing with human beings. By not understanding babies and their needs, we are creating species-atypical human beings. We can only know this to be the case in light of knowledge about human beings who develop under evolved conditions, with the evolved developmental nest: typically, small-band hunter-gatherers. They are much wiser, perceptive and virtuous than we humans in the USA today.
Thus the final point:
10. Experiences that consistently violate evolution undermine human nature. When species-atypical childrearing occurs, we end up with people whose health and sociality are compromised (which we can see all over the USA today with epidemics of depression, anxiety, high suicide and drug use rates***). Such mis-raised creatures might do all right on achievement tests or IQ measures but they may also be dangerous reptiles whose world revolves around themselves. A lot of smart reptiles (“snakes in suits”) on Wall Street and elsewhere have been running the country into the ground.
What to do?
(1) Inform others about the needs of babies.
(2) Be aware of the needs of babies around you and interact sensitively with the babies you encounter.
(3) Support parents to be sensitive to the needs of their babies. This will also require many more institutional and social supports for families with children, including extensive parental leave which other developed nations provide.
(4) Read books that convey the evolved principles of caregiving, like the following:
The Science of Parenting
Attached at the Heart
The Attachment Parenting Book
The Other Baby Book
Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids
The Science of Mother-Baby Sleep
* Note that sometimes violations (e.g., formula, isolation) are required under emergency conditions that are matters of life and death.
**Of course they don’t think it’s a violation because they don’t take the set of mammalian needs seriously.
*** In the USA, everyone under 50 has numerous health disadvantages compared to citizens in 16 other developed nations (National Research Council, 2013).
Source: Psychology Today
Have you noticed all the stressed babies? Maybe one in 30 I see has glowing eyes, a sign of thriving. What's up? Perhaps ignorance about babies and their needs. Here are 10 things to know.
1. Babies are social mammals with social mammalian needs. Social mammals emerged more than 30 million years ago with intensive parenting (the developmental nest or niche). This is one of the many (extra-genetic) things that evolved other than genes. This developmental nest is required for an individual to develop properly. Intensive parenting practices include years of breastfeeding to develop brain and body systems, nearly constant touch and physical presence of caregivers, responsiveness to needs without distress, free play with multi-aged playmates, and soothing perinatal experiences. Each of these has significant effects on physical health.
2. Human babies are born "half-baked" and require an external womb. Humans are born way early compared to other animals: 9 months early in terms of mobility and 18 months early in terms of bone development and foraging capacities. Full-term babies have 25% of adult brain volume and most of it grows in the first 5 years. Thus, the human nest for its young evolved to be even more intense than for other social mammals because of the underdeveloped newborn, lasting for 3-5 years. Humans also added to the list of expected care a village of positive social support for both mother and baby. Actually, human brain development lasts into the third decade of life, suggesting that social support and mentoring continue at least that long.
3. If adults mess up on the post-birth “baking,” longterm problems can result. Each of the caregiving practices mentioned above has longterm effects on the physical health but also social health of the individual. For example, distressing babies regularly or intensively (by not giving them what they need) undermines self-regulatory systems. This is common knowledge in other cultures and was so in our past. In Spanish, there is a term used for adolescents and adults who misbehave: malcriado (misraised).
4. Babies thrive on affectionate love. When babies receive food and diaper changes and little else, they die. If they receive partial attention and stay alive, it is still not enough--they won’t reach their full potential. Urie Bronfenbrenner, who emphasized the multiple systems of support that foster optimal development, said that babies do best when at least one person is crazy about them. Others have noted that children grow best with three affectionate, consistent caregivers. In fact, babies expect more than mom and dad for loving care. Babies are ready for a community of close, responsive caregivers that includes mother nearby.
5. Babies’ right hemisphere of the brain is developing rapidly in the first three years. The right hemisphere develops in response to face-to-face social experience, with extended shared eye gaze. The right hemisphere governs self-regulatory systems. If babies are placed in front of screens, ignored or isolated, they are missing critical experiences.
6. Babies expect to play and move. Babies expect to be “in arms” or on the body of the caregiver most of the time. Skin-to-skin contact is a calming influence. After learning this one of my students when at a family gathering took a crying baby and held it to his neck, which calmed it down. Babies expect companionship not isolation or intrusion. They expect to be in the middle of community social life.They are ready to play from birth. Play is a primary method for learning self-control and social skills. Companionship care—friendship, mutual responsiveness and playfulness—builds social and practical intelligence. Babies and caregivers share intersubjective states, building the child’s capacities for the interpersonal “dances” that fill social life.
7. Babies have built-in warning systems. If they are not getting what they need, babies let you know. It is best, as most cultures have long known, to respond to a baby’s grimace or gesture and not to wait till crying occurs. Young babies have difficulty stopping crying once it starts. The best advice for baby care is to sensitively follow the baby, not the experts.
8. Babies lock their experiences into procedural memory vaults that will be inaccessible but apparent in later behavior and attitudes. Babies can be traumatized from neglecting the list of needs above. They won’t forget. It will undermine their trust of others, their health and social wellbeing, and lead to self-centered morality which can do much destruction to the world.
9. Culture does not erase the evolved needs babies have. Babies cannot retract their mammalian needs. Yet, some adult cultures advocate violating baby needs as if they do not matter and despite the protests of the baby. Everyday violations include baby isolation like sleeping alone, “crying it out” sleep training, infant formula, or baby videos and flashcards.* When violations occur regularly, at critical time periods or are intense, they undermine optimal development. These violations are encoded in the baby’s body as the optimal development of systems is undermined (e.g., immunity, neurotransmitters, endocrine systems like oxytocin). Surprisingly, some developmental psychologists think it fine to violate these needs** in order for the child to fit into their culture.
The rationalization of “culture over biology” reflects a lack of understanding not only of human nature but of optimal development. This has occurred in laboratories with other animals whose natures were misunderstood. For example, Harry Harlow, known for his experiments with monkeys and “mother love,” at first did not realize he was raising abnormal monkeys when he isolated them in cages. Similarly, at least one of the aggressive rat strains used in lab studies today were first created when scientists isolated offspring after birth, again not realizing the abnormality of isolation. Note how the cultural assumptions of the scientists created the abnormal animals. So it matters what cultural assumptions you have.
The culture-over-biology view may be doing the same thing with human beings. By not understanding babies and their needs, we are creating species-atypical human beings. We can only know this to be the case in light of knowledge about human beings who develop under evolved conditions, with the evolved developmental nest: typically, small-band hunter-gatherers. They are much wiser, perceptive and virtuous than we humans in the USA today.
Thus the final point:
10. Experiences that consistently violate evolution undermine human nature. When species-atypical childrearing occurs, we end up with people whose health and sociality are compromised (which we can see all over the USA today with epidemics of depression, anxiety, high suicide and drug use rates***). Such mis-raised creatures might do all right on achievement tests or IQ measures but they may also be dangerous reptiles whose world revolves around themselves. A lot of smart reptiles (“snakes in suits”) on Wall Street and elsewhere have been running the country into the ground.
What to do?
(1) Inform others about the needs of babies.
(2) Be aware of the needs of babies around you and interact sensitively with the babies you encounter.
(3) Support parents to be sensitive to the needs of their babies. This will also require many more institutional and social supports for families with children, including extensive parental leave which other developed nations provide.
(4) Read books that convey the evolved principles of caregiving, like the following:
The Science of Parenting
Attached at the Heart
The Attachment Parenting Book
The Other Baby Book
Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids
The Science of Mother-Baby Sleep
* Note that sometimes violations (e.g., formula, isolation) are required under emergency conditions that are matters of life and death.
**Of course they don’t think it’s a violation because they don’t take the set of mammalian needs seriously.
*** In the USA, everyone under 50 has numerous health disadvantages compared to citizens in 16 other developed nations (National Research Council, 2013).
Source: Psychology Today
Sunday, December 8, 2013
Hope
Hope: (noun) the feeling of wanting something to happen and thinking that it could happen : a feeling that something good will happen or be true; (verb) to want something to happen or be true and think that it could happen or be true; to cherish a desire with anticipation; to desire with expectation of obtainment; to expect with confidence
"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life".- Proverbs 13:12
'"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'- Jeremiah 29:11
"But I will keep on hoping for Your help; I will praise You more and more".- Psalm 71:14
"LORD, you know the hopes of the helpless. Surely you will hear their cries and comfort them."- Psalm 10:17
"Behold, the eye of the LORD is on those who fear him, on those who hope in his steadfast love"- Psalm 33:18
"The unfailing love of the LORD never ends! By his mercies we have been kept from complete destruction. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each day. I say to myself, "The LORD is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!"- Lamentations 3:22-24
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope."- Romans 15:13
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Situation #3
Our agency let us know today that next Tuesday, our profile book will be shown to an expectant mom due in April. Six other families' profiles will shown, as well. I am hopeful but know realistically that we have about a 14.2% chance of being selected (not that I'm counting...), and that is if she even goes through with her adoption plan.
The funny thing with this is that you never know what will cause an expectant mother to choose a particular family, so you have to just be yourself and trust that in the right timing the right child will come to you. I am not praying that we will be chosen but that God will direct the expectant mom in the best path that honors Him. It's hard not to pray "Please, us", but I realize that my feeble mind knows very little.
Let's just hope we don't go crazy waiting. I don't know about anyone else who's waiting, but it's so hard not to look for "signs", too. I could name signs with every situation we've looked at (and I have looked at a lot online, trust me). For example, the expectant mom gets the profile books on the 10th of the month, which is our anniversary date (different month). The birth is set for April, which is my sister's birthday, and a nice warm month for fun birthday parties. This situation would be through our agency, so it should be within our budget. Maybe that all sounds silly to most of you, but I read similar things in an adoption memoir The Russian Word for Snow, so maybe it's more than just me. :)
The funny thing with this is that you never know what will cause an expectant mother to choose a particular family, so you have to just be yourself and trust that in the right timing the right child will come to you. I am not praying that we will be chosen but that God will direct the expectant mom in the best path that honors Him. It's hard not to pray "Please, us", but I realize that my feeble mind knows very little.
Let's just hope we don't go crazy waiting. I don't know about anyone else who's waiting, but it's so hard not to look for "signs", too. I could name signs with every situation we've looked at (and I have looked at a lot online, trust me). For example, the expectant mom gets the profile books on the 10th of the month, which is our anniversary date (different month). The birth is set for April, which is my sister's birthday, and a nice warm month for fun birthday parties. This situation would be through our agency, so it should be within our budget. Maybe that all sounds silly to most of you, but I read similar things in an adoption memoir The Russian Word for Snow, so maybe it's more than just me. :)
Monday, December 2, 2013
Stupid Things People Say...
I have always heard of people being told to "just relax" or "go on vacation" to get pregnant, but no one has said that to me... until today. Somehow, I wonder how those things would get me pregnant. Should I relax on a fertility center's table in say, Hawaii or Florida, while they implant donor sperm embryos in me??
People, learn when to keep your trap shut. Don't ask people when they are starting a family. It's none of your business and may be out of their control anyway. And please don't give "tips". I shouldn't have to explain that my husband had a vasectomy because he has an inheritable genetic disease that we didn't want to pass on, unless I want to bring it up.
Yes, I have a blog documenting our process, and yes I believe for me it is important to be open because so many people live in shame, isolation, or secrecy when they should not have to. However, sensitive information should be my prerogative to share, not something I am pressured to say when people have no manners.
People, learn when to keep your trap shut. Don't ask people when they are starting a family. It's none of your business and may be out of their control anyway. And please don't give "tips". I shouldn't have to explain that my husband had a vasectomy because he has an inheritable genetic disease that we didn't want to pass on, unless I want to bring it up.
Yes, I have a blog documenting our process, and yes I believe for me it is important to be open because so many people live in shame, isolation, or secrecy when they should not have to. However, sensitive information should be my prerogative to share, not something I am pressured to say when people have no manners.
Friday, November 29, 2013
7 Months of Waiting
I don't have many updates. We're still thinking about going with a second agency, but we still need to finish the looooong application (like we haven't filled out hundreds of pages about our family, health, finances, etc already) and figure some things out with our finances. We did sign up to be on another attorney's listing (we're already apart of two others). We will see what comes of all of this.
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Situation #2
We applied for another situation with the same attorney in Florida as Situation #1. This was for a baby who was already born. The mom ended up not showing up for the meeting with the attorney to select a family. The baby went into foster care the next day since it could not stay with either parent. It's a sad situation, but it is what it is.
Friday, November 22, 2013
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
The Sunshine Award
Big thanks for Kristen at Adoption Love for nominating me for the Sunshine Award!
The Rules for the the Sunshine Award:
-Proudly post your sunshiney new award
- Answer the 11 questions from the blogger who nominated you
- Nominate 11 wonderful bloggers
- Write 11 questions for them to answer
- Let the nominated blogger know you have nominated them
Kristen’s questions for me:
1. 1. What is the best advice you've ever gotten?
I don’t know if it’s exactly advice, but my
mom always taught me “To each their own”, and it helps to have that perspective
in life.
2. What is your first childhood memory?
My cousin taking a baton filled with glitter away from me.
Random, I know.
3. If you could choose another time in history to live, when
would it be?
Oregon trail days, for sure.
4. What's the last book you read and what was it about?
I have a bad habit of starting books, then not finishing so
I have 3-4 half-finished books, all adoption related.
5. How did you meet your significant other?
At a Christian group at college. The first time we really
hung out was at a scavenger hunt and he was bossing the group around. ;)
6. What's the best way to get on your good side?
Be honest. Be compassionate.
7. What's your favorite thing to do on a Saturday morning?
Sleep in, then have Daniel make me blueberry pancakes. Are you reading
this, Daniel?
8. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it
be?
I really wouldn’t want to live anywhere other than where I
live. We're so blessed to live within 30 minutes with everyone in both sides of our immediate families.
9. What has been your favorite "adoption moment"
so far?
When my coworkers secretly collected money for me without me
even suspecting! This went on several weeks, I’m told.
10. What would your family pet say to you if they could
talk?
Oh… I’m embarrassed to say my cats talk all the time. Yeah,
I’m weird. I make them talk to Daniel and I all the time, and they both have their own voices. They might say“Feed me, Daddy” or “I’m
ready for bed!”
11. What is the airspeed velocity of a laden swallow?
Embarrassed again… had to google. My resume of “classic”
movies is very short.
My Nominations:
Adding a Burden- http://www.addingaburden.com/
From Another Mother- http://fromanothermotheradoptionstory.blogspot.com/
His Power, My Weakness- http://hispowermyweakness.com/
Jalara's Chronicles- http://learningtobeacanadianwoman.blogspot.com/
Keeping Faith- http://keepingfaith-christine.blogspot.com/
Letters to Aubrey- http://www.letterstoaubrey.com/
Something Beautiful- http://mattyerika.blogspot.com/
Smiles and Trials- http://smilesandtrials.blogspot.com/
Redhead in Raleigh- http://www.redheadinraleigh.com/?wref=bif
The Life That Is Waiting for Us- http://thelifethatiswaitingforus.wordpress.com/
Until Forever- http://weareuntilforever.blogspot.com/
Where's Baby Miller?- http://www.wheresbabymiller.com/
From Another Mother- http://fromanothermotheradoptionstory.blogspot.com/
His Power, My Weakness- http://hispowermyweakness.com/
Jalara's Chronicles- http://learningtobeacanadianwoman.blogspot.com/
Keeping Faith- http://keepingfaith-christine.blogspot.com/
Letters to Aubrey- http://www.letterstoaubrey.com/
Something Beautiful- http://mattyerika.blogspot.com/
Smiles and Trials- http://smilesandtrials.blogspot.com/
Redhead in Raleigh- http://www.redheadinraleigh.com/?wref=bif
The Life That Is Waiting for Us- http://thelifethatiswaitingforus.wordpress.com/
Until Forever- http://weareuntilforever.blogspot.com/
Where's Baby Miller?- http://www.wheresbabymiller.com/
My questions for my nominees:
- What’s the most unusual food you’ve eaten?
- What’s the most disappointing gift you’ve ever received?
- Describe your writing utensil preference (mechanical or wood pencil, blue or black pen- a certain type?).
- What do you associate the color yellow with?
- What is your Myers Briggs personality type?
- What is an achievement you are especially proud of?
- If you could go on a trip anywhere, where would you go?
- What’s your biggest pet peeve?
- Describe 2013 in three words.
- Describe what you hope 2014 will be like in four words.
- Describe the next step you’d like to happen in your adoption process.
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