Awaits Me

My fate awaits me.

I wake up at 5 AM. Eating breakfast is torture. Everything is disgusting. But the sooner I eat, the sooner some relief will come. Half of a granola bar will do. 

I push the button on the elevator at the clinic, but it never comes- only makes a strange humming. I wait and wait but nothing. I've been feeling pretty out of breath lately just from talking but it's nothing compared to hiking up two flights of stairs. 

Then, the ultrasound tech wasn't scheduled today, but was. So everything is running behind. I peer around for a trash can because I'm feeling sick. 

Waiting for my ultrasound, elbow to elbow with the others waiting, the fire alarm goes off. Staff talks of evacuating. However, I'm not going anywhere til I get my ultrasound. The other patients wince at the shrill sound and stay put, too. 

Then the moment of truth comes. 

I get to see my baby. Heart flickering away at a dizzying speed. Looking like a baby now, rather than an indistinguishable blob. Still safely tucked away in its sac, away from the annoying still-present blood pocket. 

Measuring exactly on track. Heartrate in the 170s. Oblivious to my constant concern over the blood pocket and shots and nasuea. Just growing at a rapid pace. Thriving. Looking like a baby with a chubby torso and four little limbs and a giant head.

My baby may really be here to stay! 

8 Week Check In

I'm actually 8 weeks, 2 days, but better late than never I guess.

Baby's size: Kidney bean or raspberry

Total weight gain: When I last weighed myself about a week ago, I was back to pre-estrace weight. Horray! My stomach and chest are both pretty puffy so I don't know how my weight dropped back down, but it did. Not complaining!

Sleep: I haven't noticed any changes with my sleeping patterns other than I just need more. I'm going to bed usually by 8 PM. I've been pretty darn tired.

Best moment of last week: Celebrating Christmas with family <3

Miss anything: I had another cold last week so I missed sudafed and prednisone. I got a hot mist humidifier that helped quite a bit, though.

Food cravings: Cheese, sour cream, fresh berries (random things!)

Anything that makes you sick or queasy: Going too long without eating a snack, pretty much anything in the morning (when I eat my usual of granola bar, oatmeal, or toast in the morning, it's like chewing sandpaper), carbonation (not that I need to drink Cokes or anything right now but I had been drinking sparkling water and it makes me SICK-ugh), most forms of chicken (exceptions is small pieces in a dish)

Looking forward to: Ultrasound tomorrow! I will feel a lot more comfortable if we have a good ultrasound at 8 weeks. And I will know the bleeding and cramping is not affecting anything.

The internet says: The baby has webbed fingers and toes, eyelids, developing lungs, and has almost lost the creepy tail.

Other milestones: Tuesday will be the milestone anniversary of our miscarriage <3 Also, on a lighter note, my due date is early August. My sister said to get ready for remarks about how I will be giant in the middle of the summer heat... and it happened- I got my first comment about it! Haha!

Post-Christmas

The baby's first unofficial Christmas has come and gone. He or she got a couple gifts, and I got a funny t-shirt from a fellow EA mom. I've been trying to take her advice to "rejoice and be glad" to heart. I'm slowly coming around. I never thought I would still feel so guarded at 8 weeks.

But I guess the intermittent bleeding and cramps that I'm STILL having don't help matters. I have my third ultrasound on Monday, so I'm hoping the heart is still pumping away and we've had quite a bit of growth (the baby should be about doubled in size from the last ultrasound).

I have flashes of moments that I think maybe this really could work out. It seems like a fairy tale, that a pregnancy would just progress. Maybe our baby is growing and developing and still alive. Embryos can be healthy, can't they?

Sometimes bad luck finally runs out. I've seen two friends waiting painstakingly for an adoptive placement have full arms in the past couple of weeks. They both finally were placed with babies! The sole pregnancy that came from the May transfer is here- sweet twin girls! Maybe I can join their ranks.

I'm ready to be able to have joy. I'm ready to fully open my heart. I'm ready to stop going through the motions of my day- shot, work, chores, shot, sleep, repeat- and be excited!

What Worked

Because I enjoy reading such lists in other blogs, here is a list of what I did and didn't do this (successful, so far) cycle:

I did this:
-Matched with new embryos- these were high quality blasts from a well-known clinic (all per my embryologist) [We did not do this simply to increase success- we had no more embryos from Family A and although we did have two multicells with Family C, after reviewing many multicell profiles, there was not another match we felt comfortable with. However, we did want to try blasts since it was our third and potentially last transfer.]

-Did a uterine biopsy/scraping/sratching (Biopsy is performed by monitoring clinic right around when I started my period just prior to building my lining- I did not request any results, just the mechanism of removing the tissue in my uterus.)

-Drank POM every day while building my lining (After doing three cycle of this, I am not convinced it helps at all but since it's relatively inexpensive, I did it the third time, as well.)

-Took vaginal e.strace (This is per my doctor- a lot of people build better linings than mine without it... but if yours is low, it's worth looking into.)

-Walking (My lining was the best the cycle I had just done a half marathon so I'm convinced this does help. I didn't walk a ton but tried to walk a mile at least a few times a week.)

-Took extra Vitamin D (I got my levels tested before this cycle -  I was on the low end of normal, so I started taking 1000 IU D3 soft gel each day in addition to the Vitamin D in my multivitamin.)

-Watch my diet (Trying to eat semi-organic, full fat dairy, lots of folate, avoiding too much sugar/inflammation potential, more monounsaturated fats- kettle chips, avocados).


I didn't do this:
-Raspberries (I don't think it helped, and it was just too annoying to keep up with.)

-Red raspberry leaf tea (I don't like tea, and I was sick of forcing myself to drink it.)

-Meditation mp3s (I ordered some from Circle+.Bloom and did them periodically the first two cycles but like the raspberries, it was just too much to keep up with).

Adoption Love Link Up: Adoption Language

What are your views on appropriate adoption language? (examples: Birth mom vs. expectant mom, was adopted vs. is adopted, etc.) Have you had any personal experiences with inappropriate adoption language? How, if at all, did you help educate those involved?

Although I am doing embryo adoption, I still have strong feelings regarding adoption language (much of which doesn't apply for my situation). I adamantly believe a pregnant lady exploring adoption is an expectant mom and only becomes a birthmom once she signs relinquishment papers and goes through with an adoption plan. And she does not "give up" a baby, ever. If she goes through with an adoption plan, she has anguished and thought long and hard about that decision, and it is what she feels is best for whatever reason. She is not dumping the child somewhere or refusing to care for it. She is putting the baby into a situation to hopefully have needs met that she can't or doesn't want to or isn't capable of doing at that time. I believe it is very disrespectful to use birthmom for a pregnant lady or to say "give up for adoption".

As far as embryo adoption goes... it is not legally adoption. And it's somewhat unchartered territory.  But, I consider my situation adoption and not merely donation. We had a homestudy, we mutually matched with a genetic family, I believe the embryos are lives, we have a continuing relationship with the genetic reason. I don't think all those factors are necessary for the situation to be considered an adoption but that is why I personally consider my situation to be adoption.

There is a whole set of verbage that goes with embryo adoption. I will give birth. But the embryos aren't genetically mine. I say "genetic family" in regards to the wonderful couple who put their embryos into our life. But it could also be "donor family" or "first family".

I will consider our child to be adopted as an embryo. I can see the point of saying was adopted instead of is adopted because that helps demonstrate it is a part of the child's history and past but not a single identifying factor. Also, identifying a child as "adopted" in regular conversation is not fair to the child, in my opinion. It singles them out that they are somehow less a part of the family. I don't think this applies to discussing the actual events that happened. Just don't say, "Oh she's the adopted one".

Feel free to visit the Adoption Love link-up to see what other bloggers have to say about this topic!

Open Wounds

I didn't know how it would be to be pregnant after a loss. I guess I figured I'd have a lot more anxiety about everything. Despite no answers in the genetic testing, I still believe the miscarriage was from something chromosomal. Maybe that helps keep this pregnancy somewhat in perspective. There was nothing I could do. It was out of my control. So there is nothing I can do to hurt or help this pregnancy either, outside taking my medication as ordered. And now that I've seen a healthy heartbeat at 7 weeks, science says I have less than a 5% chance of a miscarriage.

While I have not felt overwhelmingly anxious, I have not felt overwhelmingly anything... except perhaps hesitation. I don't want to make too many plans yet. I don't want to get too excited yet. My heart is still broken. The true healing I've had since August has been replaced with open wounds. They will heal up again, as they did before, but it will take time.

Many people don't have dozens of people know the moment they may become pregnant or early on when they pee on a stick or get a beta. So I think that is the heart of my current difficulties. Openness in our journey has been a blessing in many ways, but in this situation, it makes things difficult sometimes, too.

So many people are rooting for us, but rabid excitement is not what I need right now. Prayers, sweet comments, affirmations- yes, those all help immensely. I love the hugs, congratulations, and eager expectation. But (what seems to me) flippant, pure joy as if everything is "done deal" and there will be a baby here in August? Statements like I "just need to think positive"? Hoping for the best is fine and dandy til it didn't work for you. Those words feel like a knife stabbing me.

Stabbing me over and over as I replay all the positivity and hope I had for my last pregnancy and how the end result was the death of my baby before I met her. No matter how bad I wished and wanted her to live, her heart stopped beating. When people fail to see this huge blessing we're currently waiting for in the lens of what we've been through, it's very hurtful. I don't know if I'm half crazy, but it makes me feel defensive for my first baby. What about her? Why did she die? Was I not positive enough? (I know the answer is no, but those questions run through my mind like a raging river when I feel bombarded by people I suppose just outside the understanding of how a miscarriage taints your perspective).

Okay, I feel like maybe I complain too much about the genuinely well intended statements people have made throughout this journey. And I know no one around me means what I interpret. And none of this is directed at any one person. The majority of people in my life bring nothing but blessing in this season of very mixed feelings. So if you are reading, I am certain the support you give me is appreciated. Thank you.

I look forward to a day when this pain will settle into the background, and I can be elated. When I can give this baby the adoration and anticipation he or she deserves. When my joy as a mother can exceed the joy of those around me. But I'm just not there yet.

Another Scan

I wasn't expecting to see our little one again so soon but had another ultrasound this morning due to some bleeding. 

Growth is on track. Heartrate has increased to 153. I had a pocket of blood (not shown in this particular picture) which explains the bleeding. 

So does it feel good thinking I am miscarrying at various points throughout the day? Nope. But my brain can tell my nerves there is a reason. 

Whew. 

Introducing...

...One baby

Measuring exactly on track at 6w3d

Heartrate of 127 bpm

Growing Miracles

Tomorrow is a big day.

The ultrasound.

Is this a viable pregnancy? Will we see a heartbeat? How many sacs will there be?

I fluctuate between trying not to thinking about it, being very hopeful, being at peace, and feeling nervous about being back on the dreaded table with the dreaded ultrasound probe.

"In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. 

So after you have suffered a little while, He will restore, support, and strengthen you, 

and He will place you on a firm foundation".- 1 Peter 5:10

6 Weeks

I'm 6 weeks today. This marks the day last time that I started bleeding, at the baseball game. Today, I've been just so worn out I could've curled up in the corner of my office and had a good slumber. I'm so. Very. Tired.

Ethyl oleate is a no go. Deep down I thought it was too good to be true. It was. I ended up with knots and itching, so I'm switching back to a formulation of cottonseed. Cottonseed isn't perfect but it's ten times more bearable. 

D is finally back at work, hobbling around (abdominal surgery when you're on crutches is just the worst luck). He was also finally able to start PT to essentially relearn to walk with a new foot. It's a great milestone! 

I'm looking forward to a weekend of relaxing, cleaning out the fridge/pantry and shopping for D's new "no-more-gallbladder diet", a Christmas party, and church. I'm happy to be sleeping in my own bed (no more hospital couch turned to cot) and to lay down with my husband (between his cast and his sickness, we've slept in the same bed exactly two nights in two months- the two nights in Knoxville). 

Some Days

Some days you just have a really bad shot that won't go in no matter where you poke or what needles you try... (Every spot that isn't bleeding is a knot)

Running Out

When do you run out of bad luck?

This has been the longest year. Start process to adopt embryos. Update homestudy. Get medically cleared. Match three times. Transfer three times. Hundreds of shots. Artificially built up and dropped hormones. Find out what a failed transfer feels like. Find out what a miscarriage feels like. Get not one but two d&c's. D goes through major foot surgery. Once home, pain pump doesn't help enough so we land in the ER. His time in a cast drags on, and he's unable to drive. He gets complications from surgery and is miserably sick for three weeks. Innumerable doctor appointments. Three more ER visits. Gallbladder surgery. Each statement seems so simple typed out. Yet each entails tears and struggle and worry. 

I don't want to complain. We're blessed to have each other, the jobs we do, great family on both sides, health insurance, the ability to use a wonderful clinic to become parents, to match with equally wonderful families who donated their embryos to us. 

But, I'm ready for life to return to normal, whatever that will look like now. I'm ready to struggle with learning to be a parent instead of struggling to become one. I'm ready for the bad luck to run out and days of wellness and togetherness to come. I'm ready to have a normal Saturday of lounging and going out to eat with D and laughing. I'm 5 1/2 weeks pregnant and ready to be able to be excited about the fact that I'm pregnant like 99% of the world when they see that second line. 

Hip Horray

I got a call from my pharmacy that made me cringe. I had to switch my PIO base. The formulation I've been using wasn't going to be carried anymore. Well darn, just one more thing to make me worried.

The new vial came and I tentatively drew it up. Ethyl oleate. It flew down into the syringe (Normal oil is a slow drip as you pull it out of the vial). It didn't even need to be warmed up to be thin enough for injection. It glided in, almost too quickly (too quick forces leakage). 

Four injections later and- knock on wood- no redness or swelling. Hip Horray (pun intended), a thinner oil! Why am I just now discovering this beauty? 

I've got about 8 more weeks of injections to go, God willing. About 112 more shots. I'll take every break I can get! 

Hope Appearing

It's chronologically backwards, but I still want to share that I will forever be grateful for a second chance, for hope, for redemption. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but worry can't change the result. I'm blessed more than I can understand. 

I haven't been writing as much mostly because we've had a lot going on. D's been pretty sick, unfortunately. The past four months have been a very trying season. I'm hopeful things will get better soon, though. 

The Post You've Been Waiting For (The News I've Been Waiting For)

Email from nurse on Friday: "As you can see, you have a positive result!! Let's get the second check on Monday..."

Email from nurse today: "The results look good! You are progressing nicely". 

Finally, some good news! I have an ultrasound scheduled for two weeks from today... because I'M PREGNANT.

Since I was using the unreliable lab this time, rather than the RE I normally go to, I thwarted any record-sending stress by directly getting a copy of the results myself and forwarding them straight to the nurse. This is how it should happen every time. I knew sooner. I knew NEDC had the results. No calling. No leaving messages. No tracking things down. But I digress.

Friday morning? A beta of 226.

This morning? A beta of 773.

Since you typically repeat after 48 hours, I had to use a beta doubling calculator to check up on things, and the beta doubled at a rate of about 40 hours, which is excellent and within range of what the doctor likes to see.

How do I feel physically? On and off queasy, not as tired as before but still ready for bed by 8 PM. I feel "less pregnant" than I did last time, or maybe I am just more used to it by now. My PIO shots are going pretty well with minimum discomfort. I think I've pretty much perfected the technique.

Emotionally and spiritually, I've maintained a deep peace this whole time. I don't feel that nervous. I just feel like things will work out. Do I have flashes of panic? Yes. But overall, I feel very calm.

I feel a little emotionally detached from the embryos this time. It makes me feel a little guilty, but I know I'm just doing the best I can. I've read them one book. The other embryos had a book or two a day. I just don't feel like doing it this time. I think deep, deep down it is hard to be joyful and this is just my heart's way of protecting itself. It's so subconscious but noticeable.

But I am grateful and happy and in shock and trying to get more excited. I'm blessed.

Thank you, Lord, for Your mercy and sustenance. Thank You for life and for allowing me to experience new life.

Because they mean so much to me- our group of five ladies has four confirmed pregnancies and one confirmed failed transfer. Please say a prayer for all the babies and moms and most importantly for my friend who lost embryos both in thawing and in transfer and is empty handed right now. It's very upsetting to cycle with someone and have them experience loss. It feels like she is left behind, and I don't understand why. I hope the next cycle will bring joy for her.

Finally, please nothing on Facebook if I know you in "real life". Thanks!