Post-Christmas

The baby's first unofficial Christmas has come and gone. He or she got a couple gifts, and I got a funny t-shirt from a fellow EA mom. I've been trying to take her advice to "rejoice and be glad" to heart. I'm slowly coming around. I never thought I would still feel so guarded at 8 weeks.

But I guess the intermittent bleeding and cramps that I'm STILL having don't help matters. I have my third ultrasound on Monday, so I'm hoping the heart is still pumping away and we've had quite a bit of growth (the baby should be about doubled in size from the last ultrasound).

I have flashes of moments that I think maybe this really could work out. It seems like a fairy tale, that a pregnancy would just progress. Maybe our baby is growing and developing and still alive. Embryos can be healthy, can't they?

Sometimes bad luck finally runs out. I've seen two friends waiting painstakingly for an adoptive placement have full arms in the past couple of weeks. They both finally were placed with babies! The sole pregnancy that came from the May transfer is here- sweet twin girls! Maybe I can join their ranks.

I'm ready to be able to have joy. I'm ready to fully open my heart. I'm ready to stop going through the motions of my day- shot, work, chores, shot, sleep, repeat- and be excited!

Growing Miracles

Tomorrow is a big day.

The ultrasound.

Is this a viable pregnancy? Will we see a heartbeat? How many sacs will there be?

I fluctuate between trying not to thinking about it, being very hopeful, being at peace, and feeling nervous about being back on the dreaded table with the dreaded ultrasound probe.

"In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. 

So after you have suffered a little while, He will restore, support, and strengthen you, 

and He will place you on a firm foundation".- 1 Peter 5:10

Beta Day (gulp)

Today is the big beta day.

There are a lot of mixed feelings swirling around regarding getting my blood drawn this time. The normal RE office I get monitoring at is closed for the holidays, so I am forced to go to another lab that I haven't had good luck with in the past. They NEVER forward the results to the ordering doctor, so you can bet that I will be camped in the lobby til a copy of the results are in my hands so I can forward them to NEDC myself.

Also, this particular lab can't do any hormones same-day so I won't even be able to get progesterone results til Monday. Yikes. I hope the shots are absorbing correctly. I can't let myself dwell on worries. There is nothing I can do.

If we get a positive beta today, we will retest on Monday and hope to see doubling 1.5x (eg: if it were 100, we would need to see 300 since it will be about 72 hours later rather than 48 hours later due to the weekend). We're both tentative about the results, so we will be sharing the results, either way, on Monday.

One of my cohorts had a positive beta on Wednesday (yay!) so hopefully hers will double today when she goes for her second beta. She has her second today, myself and two others have our first today, and the fifth person has her first on Monday. Please pray for good results and grace to handle whatever the results are for each of us.

Last Kidless Night

We made it safely to Knoxville. On the way out the door, I threw all my protocol stuff into a plastic bag- including the Lysol wipes. Apparently the lid doesn't seal well because the juice spilled out all over everything. It actually leaked into my e.strace bottle and destroyed some of my pills (see the crumbly ones?). Luckily I salvaged most of them. And luckily the important pills for transfer had cotton in the bottle so they were spared, too. 

Band aids weren't so lucky... Requiring a T.arget trip. I got some good sealing wipes, ibropfen (because duh, how could I forget that?), some NAME BRAND heat patches because store brand is worthless, and my unscented soap and lotion just in case scent harms embryos (not proven but I read it somewhere). 

It was funny- when I was picking out the lotion and soap, I went to the baby aisle. Fellow shoppers must have presumed it was for my baby or something, but in the middle of the aisle my "Shots" ringtone started blaring. Don't mind me. Mother of the year. Ha! 

I had a great evening spending time with two fellow EA moms. They each have three little embryos on board- pray for them! 

12ish hours to go, and I'm still not getting nervous. I can't wait for tomorrow! 

New Directions

I realize how glad I am that I started blogging. I would remember a tenth of what's on here without it. I'm looking back at posts around my past two transfers. I instantly know facts like past lining measurements or how much to drink the day of transfer.

But more than that, I can relive the emotions. The elation, the anxiety, the suffering, the peace. 

I've come a long way, and I think my path is about to take a new direction. I'll have happier things to write about. Answered prayers. Fulfilled longings. 

I'll put my all into work today to get ahead. I'll finish packing tonight. I'll work the morning tomorrow, then start the drive to pick D up and head eastward. That's not very much left between me and the embryos. They don't know what's about to happen. While I'm making plans and rushing around, they're perpetually frozen and just waiting at a chance to experience life. Two more days! 

Grace is Enough

I've had these horrible headaches for over two months. They were worse than hormonal migraines, and I'm not sure a single day went by in that time without a headache at least part of the day. My PCP could only suggest steroids since he wouldn't prescribe migraine medicine while TTC (which I agree with). He said I could see a neurologist, but the last thing I want right now is scans and more medicine. I tried massage, but the therapist felt like something was wrong with my neck and referred me to a chiropractor.

Except I don't believe in chiropractors, so I didn't go. I continued massage and saw another therapist who recommended the same thing. In a moment of pained desperation, I made an appointment. Just for a chiropractic consultation. In continued desperation, after the exam/consultation revealed a pinched nerve in my neck with two discs out of alignment, I let the chiropractor "adjust" me.

And for 2 1/2 days, I haven't had a headache.

This is a huge blessing to me.

I think sometimes I don't open myself to blessings. Fear and hesitation is part of human nature, I guess. 

Not only was I blessed to have my pain relieved, but the chiropractor prayed over me and our transfer. Can you say tears?

And as scary as it seems to be going for a third transfer, especially after a very painful miscarriage, I have to be open to this blessing.

It doesn't snow very often where I live. Ice? Yeah. Freezing cold rain? Yep. Snow, a few times a year maybe.

Today, on the long commute to take D to Big City, sleet turned to soft snowflakes. Delicate, unique, shimmery snowflakes.

The verse that was on my heart on the drive to the clinic the day of the bad ultrasound was 2 Corinthians 2:19: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." And today, as I looked down at the snowflakes falling on the window, Your Grace Is Enough came on.

I pray God doesn't forget me.

11 days til transfer

11 days til my transfer! Protocol update: My face is still crazy broken out. I've felt nauseous since I started taking 3 e.straces a day. On a good note, I'm expecting my brain fog to clear up now that I'm finished with the l.upron!. I've felt twinges of nervousness about my ultrasound on Friday- what if my lining isn't thick enough?! Surely I haven't come this far for yet another let down.

I'm trying to put any fears aside and trek ahead. I had another massage today in hopes of staying as relaxed as possible. I took a brisk walk after work and really enjoyed the gorgeous sunset and the remaining fall leaves. Overall, I am still feeling very positive.

I made sure to go to the dentist this week and have my yearly GYN appointment and a neck x-ray next week- I need to get all these out of the way because I plan to be pregnant very soon.

To close this random post, I will leave a song I really like that I heard this week on Pandora during one of my long commutes with D.

My Story

My poor brain is so sluggish. I have all these thoughts and feelings but it's hard to put them into words.

There are two major reunions/social events coming up within the next two weeks, and I'm not going to either one. I have legitimate reasons why I can't attend. And I would like to be able to go to see some people who would be there.

But part of me is relieved. I honestly do not mind people asking me questions or discussing our situation. I think I'm in a minority with my comfort level of this process. I want to share so other people who may be silently suffering are aware of options. And so no one feels alone. And just because I am pretty excited about this path.

However, I can't stand the unspoken tension of poking questions or looks of pity. Anyone in my social circle "should" have kids by now... or several... or several in late elementary school. And I don't have a child or one on the way or anything. So when you go to these events, it's kinda like a small elephant following you around (maybe I read too much into things).

And while I do enjoy sharing my story, I don't want attention or pity or feeling like I am the trainwreck on someone's Facebook feed. Which is why I shared this blog publicly a few times when I first made it, but I don't put it on my Facebook feed anymore. I feel like if anyone genuinely cares to know what is happening, they follow. I don't just want views when something dramatic happens. My whole heart is all over these posts. I want that reserved for people rooting for me.

I guess all this to say that openness is a fine line. And, this situation is such a lonely place- it's lonely in social settings to not have a picture of my kid or a story to add to the conversation, but it's lonely to be left out of conversations, too.

Maybe one day soon none of this will be a consideration.

This Time

L.upron, we meet again.

I was never supposed to be an expert on injectible meds. Tonight, I eased right back into it. I remembered just what to do.

So this is it. Yeah, I've been on bcp for awhile which is technically part of the protocol, but I'm so comfortable with bcp (and actually prefer to be on it). Which is why l.upron really marks the beginning of the cycle in my mind.

I happen to be on another 12 day stretch at work. I don't know why these always fall when I am on l.upron. Some sort of cruel joke from the universe, I guess.

Last cycle, around this time, I was feeling tired, unsure, and empty.

This time I feel really scared and still a little broken.

I don't know what we will do if this transfer doesn't work, or worse, ends in another loss.

It's terrifying to plunge into try 3.

It's a whole extra layer of pain and fear and trepidation after what happened last time.

And I still miss our baby. And our first genetic family. 

Regardless, embryos, we are coming for you!

Sky's Still Blue

We've had a lot of stormy, wet, grey days lately. Even if the dark clouds are all I can see, there is still a blue sky there, somewhere, and eventually it will pop out.

On days of grey
When doubt clouds my view
Its so hard to see past my fears
My strength seems to fade
And its all I can do
To hold on, till the light reappears.
Still, I believe though some rain's bound to fall
That you're here next to me
And you're over it all.
Lord, the sky's still blue
For my hope is in you
You're my joy, You're the dream that's still alive
Like the wind at my back
And the sun on my face
You are life,You're grace.
You are blue skies, You're my blue skies

(Blue Skies)

Out of Our Hands

After having to reschedule twice, I finally had my phone consult with Dr. K the other day to discuss my miscarriage and next steps. He said the type of testing my local RE sent off for has a high chance of maternal cross contamination so the fact that the testing said normal, in his opinion, may or may not be correct. He said the way the baby always grew behind, was late to get a heartbeat, and had a slow heartbeat when it did indicates something "wrong from the beginning" genetically.

The fact that there were 10 embryos from this batch and not a single one resulted in a birth (between me and the surrogate the donor family used) and that the only one resulted in a pregnancy that was considered “embryonic demise” early on is strangely comforting. In my deepest heart, I feel that the embryo had some damage or mutation and that’s why I miscarried but it's still scary to not know exactly what happened.

He wants me to have a SIS soon to check for scarring/adhesions from my two d&c's and does want me to have another endo scratch this time (Darn, I hated it last time!!!).

I’ll feel unsettled until we have more sweet embryos, but I am feeling more at peace (although still sad). Dr. K ended the conversation with the exact sentiment that has been on my heart lately- how I can control things, he can control things, but in the end some of it will always be out of both of our hands. I pray God will have mercy on me and allow this next transfer to work!  

Lots of Small Updates

We're making slow but steady progress towards our third transfer. We officially told our clinic that we are interested in matching with Family D. D and I sat down in front of some profiles, read through them together, and both concluded that this family seems open, fairly similar to us and a plus is that they have a very good health history. Unlike Family A and Family C, they live completely across the country- on the West Coast.

Going into this the third time, I have lower expectations. Family A was everything we could have asked for, and although I think we will always have a relationship and keep in touch, we will never have a child in common. I think that hurt made choosing this time have less pressure. We just want to find someone we both agreed with. Obviously picking the "perfect" family for us didn't work out. That disappointment clouds our desire to look high and low for another "perfect" family.

So, now we wait for an answer from Family D. We received very quick responses from Family A and C (we had a wait awhile  to hear "no" from Family B). Family D has five kids, so they're probably pretty busy. I hope we don't have to wait too terribly long, though. The clinic said they emailed the family. I hope whichever parent they emailed actually checks their email! If someone emailed D about something important, they might wait awhile for a response! :)

After we both agreed to pursue a match with Family D, I talked with Carol, the embryologist about these embryos. Quality doesn't guarantee success, but we are interested in it. Much to my surprise, she said they are from an excellent clinic she's had good success from before. On top of that, all six embryos are very excellent quality. As in all the very best and second best a blast can be (multicells are rated less stringently, but blasts are rated 1-6 and then with two sets of letters A-C... so there are lots of ratings a blast can be- 6AA, 5AB, 4CC, etc). That makes us feel hopeful.

We've already had our phone conference with the new contract mediator (the CEO who is covering). We prefer the same openness as with our two previous contracts but understand if this family isn't comfortable with that. She will discuss everything with Family D, should they agree to match with us. So, that's one more formality that's checked off the to-do list.

My weekly post-d&c pee stick this weekend was such a faint positive, that I'm sure by tomorrow it would be completely negative. I hope this means no more retained tissue and proper healing. I am so happy to have paid $2.40 rather than $484.00 to monitor this (not to mention the gas, time, hassle, and emotional distress to get to and from clinic).

After having to reschedule twice, I finally have my consultation with Dr. K this week on Wednesday. The genetic testing results came back with no answers. They didn't find anything genetically wrong with the baby. I have a whole list of questions typed up that I want to discuss with him. Please pray for him to have wisdom in my treatment. I'm sure he hates practicing medicine in the age of google and everyone talking to each other online- but I want to address my concerns and advocate for myself (and my future embryos).

Impatient

I don't want to jinx myself, but since I'm not truly superstitious I will say it- I think I'm physically on the tail end of the miscarriage/d&c/month-long worst period ever. This makes me happy just as I live my life but also hopefully soon I can schedule the SIS and make sure there's no further damage. November finally seems realistic at this point.

Which brings me to... I am starting to get annoyed with how long we've been waiting just to receive profiles. I asked for them the day of our miscarriage, because D and I had already talked about our plans and intentions during the scare two weeks before. Once we get the profiles, we still have to choose, see if the family agrees to match, and orchestrate another open adoption agreement. I'm ready to get the show on the road.

What Just Can't Be

Well, darn. Last night, I had some symptoms come back. TMI symptoms that are indicative that I am still not healed. I was relieved to know I was already scheduled see an RE this morning. Once I arrived, we had a short chat in the consultation room- not much to talk about since the genetic testing has not yet been received. They should be here within the next few days.

Then, we moved to an exam room. Sure enough, the doctor pointed out the black areas in the middle of the screen (inside what looks like a 'C') which are areas of fluid/tissue in my uterus (TMI: read blood and/or clots). He said the report of what they got from the second d&c was that there was no fetal tissue so he believes all the baby/tissue was successfully removed the first time (there was no way for them to know that without a second d&c, and with the symptoms I was having- bad enough for an ER visit- they were apparently too concerned to wait and see).

The RE said there are a lot of paths people body's take after a miscarriage/d&c and that some people have few symptoms, some people have a lot of symptoms, and some people have sporadic symptoms of both degrees (me). All I can do is continue to wait. Wait for my body to heal.

He did say to talk to Dr. K about a SIS after I finally stop bleeding. This will check for any scar tissue or adhesions that would affect future transfers. I do want to be cautious because I don't want to transfer embryos into a hostile environment. But it is annoying to have to pay for yet another procedure. I wonder if it is coded as infertility or complication of miscarriage? That will make a difference, I'm sure.

I called NEDC immediately after leaving the clinic to cancel my consultation with Dr. K. I want to have the full picture before we discuss plan for transfer #3. The soonest I could reschedule for was the 25th. Rats.

I was really disappointed in the outcome of the morning. When can I catch a break? I know nothing more today except my body is taking a turn backwards. It hurts physically. It's emotionally draining. I can't close this chapter. I can't formulate plans. I have to keep reliving the miscarriage. Who knows if we can even go back by November, at this rate? I don't want to wait until January. It makes me so mad. I'm trying to be patient, but I feel so weary. I want to stomp my feet and ball up my fists and scream at the top of my lungs, "It's not fair"!

I feel like there are three categories of people at the RE. First, the waiting room normally has several couples. They might be clutching the stupid brown folder you get when you sign up with the clinic. They are nervous and hopeful: making idle chat, eyes darting around, or trying to look busy on their phones. They still come together because they haven't missed that much work yet. There were several of those couples there today.

There is a second category. I was in the elevator with two of them today. They have been through strife, but it has worked out. For example, they pull off the stupid blue clinic ID bracelets and toss them in the trashcan on their way out, talking about moving their toddlers to beds to make room for the new babies inside them. They may have their partner there for an ultrasound, clutching the beloved black and white picture. I was in this category for one visit. I know the welling joy, deep inside.

Then there is the third category. From both online and "real life", I know I am not alone in this category. You go by yourself because you can't count how many appointments you've been to. There doesn't seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel; if it is there it is very dim. You go through the motions of consultations and protocols and procedures like a robot because there's not much left in you. You don't want to give up with your dreams, but you wish you didn't have to continue on the path to get there. Every day, somewhere, there is a painful reminder of what just can't be.

In His Arms

Our baby has had so many prayers in it's short life, from the time he or she was a three day, 8 celled embryo to now.

"Search for the Lord and for his strength; continually seek him".-1 Chronicles 16:11

Praying tomorrow brings an appointment where we see a baby who is growing well and has a strong heartbeat.

Cautiously Optimistic

What does "cautiously optimistic" really look like?

Is it a 50-50 type thing? More like 60-40 or even 70-30? I'd say for something to be optimistic it has to probably be at least 51-49, but from there, I am not sure.

The dictionary says cautiously optimistic is to be "hopeful about something, but recognizing the problems involved".

I have a burning desire to quantify my future, but it looks like I will just need to wait and see.

Perhaps a "Miracle Baby"

The tech slowly scanned around. She didn't have to tell me to hold my breath this time. I knew.

"We have some growth. And we have fetal heart motion".
 
Fetal heart motion! What in the heck! There's a heartbeat!

The baby grew 3mm in 6 days, which is still very slow growth; but previously the baby grew 1mm in 5 days last week, so it's an improvement. The baby is still measuring almost a week behind, though.

The heart rate was measured at 106 which is on the slow side but not necessarily bad from what my doctor said.

When I was getting dressed, I didn't feel happy or sad. I didn't feel much of anything other than, I guess, shock. I wish we had a more definitive idea, but obviously I am thrilled to have a heartbeat, be it slow.

The nurse practitioner at the monitoring clinic said, "It could go either way. You can be cautiously optimistic". 

I have started to feel calmer and less sad throughout the day. I'm sure the anxiety will rev back up closer to the next ultrasound which will be a week from today.

I know people who say they have a "miracle baby"; I hope that will be the case for us. I hope the little one keeps growing and has a stronger heartbeat by next week!

Just So Tired

I made it through work today, mostly unscathed. I didn't want to get out of my car when I pulled in the parking lot, but once I made myself get out & go in, I was okay. I was actually pretty productive and kept my composure.

Still, I am blunted to the world around me.

It takes so much effort to do anything.

My body feels heavy.

I am continuing to try to not overthink things....

But...

I felt tired and queasy today, so hopefully that's good.

But I put two and two together and realized the CRL measurements of my two ultrasounds are pitifully behind, especially the more recent one. So maybe that's foreboding.

All I know is I don't know anything at this point, so it is not helpful for me to brood and fret.

Thursday will bring answers. 

Unhinged

I gave myself today off, so I could figure out the game plan and let it sink in.

When I got up, I emailed the nurse to remind her we'd sure like to know the opinion as soon as possible. Because it had been a looong weekend, after all.

Three hours later, I hadn't heard anything, so I called the nurse. No answer. Rats. My chest was tight, and I felt like my head was going to explode.

I refreshed my email on my phone and saw that the nurse was asking me to contact the monitoring clinic because she hadn't received the results. So not my understanding based on our conversation Friday.

My hackles were up. Uh oh.

I called monitoring clinic and, surprise surprise, got the voicemail. I left a message requesting (again) that the results be sent. As I hung up, I started stewing.

This happens EVERY. TIME. I. HAVE. RESULTS. TO. BE. SEEN. Every time!

I went unhinged.

I threw on some clothes, ran a brush through my wild hair, grabbed a bottle of water. And apparently dropped the apple I was eating onto the pile of laundry I was folding, so I noticed later on. Yeah, I was in rare form by this point.

I zipped to Big City, no traffic at this time of day. As I stormed the front desk, a nurse simultaneously called to let me know she had faxed the results. I begged to talk to her in person, and she accommodated my request. I wanted matters to be in my hands, darn it. I took a picture of the report with my phone and emailed it to Dr K's nurse. With a "woosh" of my phone, I knew it was finally going to be in the hands of my doctor!

I was really worked up and upset. I was going on 75 hours with the news that my baby was probably dead, but maybe not.

I looked over the report and noticed two important facts: 1) They had me at 7w on Friday, when I was really 6w5d 2) They had me measuring at 6w2d, not 6w as I was told.

So I was really measuring 3 days behind, not almost a week as I was lead to believe. 

WHAT IN THE HECK?!?

I decided I had just enough time to head across the state to Dr K's office, if I drove straight there. I'd sit in the lobby if I had to, if I still didn't have answers, if the nurse hadn't called me. I wasn't prepared to have another night of not knowing, and I'd assume to just drive there and be a squeaky wheel if that's what it took.

My mom met me to join in on the ride, ready with pitchforks... errr... a deep desire to have some answers.

I felt a la the lady astronaut who wore a diaper and drove all day over a boyfriend issue. Nothing was stopping me. My mom felt a la Terms of Endearment meltdown. I have to admit, both offices were very nice today, but one cross look, and this would have been me!

Luckily, before I got too, too far, I heard back from the nurse.

She said Dr. K noticed right away that the dating was incorrect. He didn't say if the report itself was good or bad but he had enough hope to order another ultrasound for this Thursday. At that point I will be 7w4d. Measuring 3 days behind feels not as scary, and knowing the baby grew 3 days in 4 days (between bleeding ultrasound and scheduled ultrasound) rather than 1 day in 4 days feels so comforting. Now, if only we could get a heartbeat!!

I immediately felt a cool rush after talking to her. There is hope. There is a plan. It sucks to wait til Thursday, but I'd prefer to have the most accurate interpretation so a miscarriage isn't forced on a viable baby.

Several people have told me they have "good feelings" about this pregnancy (before all this mess) including the donors as well as close friends. I have felt that way myself, down in my heart. If we get bad news, I will be resigned to it and will find a way to cope, but I will no longer believe in intuition.

I am fully prepared for bad news. I've been living a literal nightmare for four days now.

But I am pleading for good news.

Opening a Can of Worms

I don't have any reason to doubt, which I am grateful for. I don't have any bleeding (which is very common in IVF pregnancies), and I still have plenty of symptoms.

The pressure is mounting, though.

Being so open has been positive in a lot of ways. Our loved ones are supportive. We've had lots of prayers on our behalf. I work in a job where I have risks during pregnancy that coworkers can help minimize.

However, it's overwhelming at times to have so many people know. The whole world doesn't know, but mostly everyone close to us knows. And everyone we've told has told a person or two, so the information can tend to get out of hand.

Which is fine if we go Friday and everything looks good. There will be a lot of celebration!

I just don't want to have to tell everyone if things don't look good.

I can't think about it too much.

This process comes with so many emotions you could never dream up.

For example, in a way I keep thinking that I don't want everyone to be disappointed on Friday. But the other part of me feels almost defensive to that thought because I have done literally everything I can do, and if someone in my life is disappointed or sad... well, sorry. I know I can't control this. And I know me having a child is ultimately not about other people but is about me and D. I know no one else in my life probably thinks about it this way, but that's my inclination. I don't know why I battle with myself about this. I guess because I am a natural people pleaser and I overthink things and internalize everything. And maybe concerning myself with how others will feel or what I will say lets me avoid the scary reality that although chances are we will see a heartbeat and have a healthy pregnancy, so much can still go wrong, and a positive early pregnancy could still go either way.

I try to let thoughts like this go. It will be what it will be. Like Dr. K said at the moment of transfer, "It's out of our hands now". It's in God's hands.

I have no idea what is happening inside me right now. And I won't know til Friday morning.

Sunday. Monday. Tuesday. Wednesday. Thursday.

Five more days.