7 Months of Waiting

I don't have many updates. We're still thinking about going with a second agency, but we still need to finish the looooong application (like we haven't filled out hundreds of pages about our family, health, finances, etc already) and figure some things out with our finances. We did sign up to be on another attorney's listing (we're already apart of two others). We will see what comes of all of this.

Happy Thanksgiving

Situation #2

We applied for another situation with the same attorney in Florida as Situation #1. This was for a baby who was already born. The mom ended up not showing up for the meeting with the attorney to select a family. The baby went into foster care the next day since it could not stay with either parent. It's a sad situation, but it is what it is.

Psalm 62:5

The Sunshine Award

Big thanks for Kristen at Adoption Love for nominating me for the Sunshine Award!

The Rules for the the Sunshine Award:

-Proudly post your sunshiney new award

- Answer the 11 questions from the blogger who nominated you

- Nominate 11 wonderful bloggers

- Write 11 questions for them to answer

- Let the nominated blogger know you have nominated them

Kristen’s questions for me:

1.     1. What is the best advice you've ever gotten?

I don’t know if it’s exactly advice, but my mom always taught me “To each their own”, and it helps to have that perspective in life.

2. What is your first childhood memory?

My cousin taking a baton filled with glitter away from me. Random, I know.

3. If you could choose another time in history to live, when would it be?

Oregon trail days, for sure.

4. What's the last book you read and what was it about?

I have a bad habit of starting books, then not finishing so I have 3-4 half-finished books, all adoption related.

5. How did you meet your significant other?

At a Christian group at college. The first time we really hung out was at a scavenger hunt and he was bossing the group around. ;)

6. What's the best way to get on your good side?

Be honest. Be compassionate.

7. What's your favorite thing to do on a Saturday morning?

Sleep in, then have Daniel make me blueberry pancakes. Are you reading this, Daniel?

8. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?

I really wouldn’t want to live anywhere other than where I live. We're so blessed to live within 30 minutes with everyone in both sides of our immediate families.

9. What has been your favorite "adoption moment" so far?

When my coworkers secretly collected money for me without me even suspecting! This went on several weeks, I’m told.

10. What would your family pet say to you if they could talk?

Oh… I’m embarrassed to say my cats talk all the time. Yeah, I’m weird. I make them talk to Daniel and I all the time, and they both have their own voices. They might say“Feed me, Daddy” or “I’m ready for bed!”

11. What is the airspeed velocity of a laden swallow?

Embarrassed again… had to google. My resume of “classic” movies is very short.

My Nominations: 

Adding a Burden- http://www.addingaburden.com/
From Another Mother- http://fromanothermotheradoptionstory.blogspot.com/ 
His Power, My Weakness- http://hispowermyweakness.com/
Jalara's Chronicles- http://learningtobeacanadianwoman.blogspot.com/  
Keeping Faith- http://keepingfaith-christine.blogspot.com/
Letters to Aubrey- http://www.letterstoaubrey.com/
Something Beautiful- http://mattyerika.blogspot.com/
Smiles and Trials- http://smilesandtrials.blogspot.com/
Redhead in Raleigh- http://www.redheadinraleigh.com/?wref=bif
The Life That Is Waiting for Us- http://thelifethatiswaitingforus.wordpress.com/ 
Until Forever- http://weareuntilforever.blogspot.com/
Where's Baby Miller?- http://www.wheresbabymiller.com/

My questions for my nominees:

1. What’s the most unusual food you’ve eaten?
2. What’s the most disappointing gift you’ve ever received?
3. Describe your writing utensil preference (mechanical or wood pencil, blue or black pen- a certain type?).
4. What do you associate the color yellow with?
5. What is your Myers Briggs personality type?
6. What is an achievement you are especially proud of?
7. If you could go on a trip anywhere, where would you go?
8. What’s your biggest pet peeve?
9. Describe 2013 in three words.
10. Describe what you hope 2014 will be like in four words.
11. Describe the next step you’d like to happen in your adoption process.

To-Do

I crave planning and lists. Procrastinating makes me nervous. So, I compiled a to-do list for things to do once the homestudy is done... while waiting, once matched, and after placement. Please feel free to suggest anything I should add. Also, feel free to make copies of this list. Hope it helps!

Greatest Misconceptions About Adoption (repost)

There are lots of misconceptions out there about adoption, so here are a few discussed in another blog.

Just Because Someone...

8 things to stop saying to your adoptive friends (repost)

I recently read a great post on rude things people say to adopting families along with suggestions on how to approach questions and things you wonder about an adoptive family. You can read it here.

More Positive Adoption Language

To me, this is one of the most important phrases in adoption. Except in rare cases where a baby is dropped at a safe haven, babies are not "given up" by their birth families (although even that is a loving choice when you compare the alternative of harming the baby or keeping the baby even if you know you cannot provide for its needs). Birth families anguish over adoption, and those who place deem it to be the best, most loving option for their specific situation.

Nature v. Nurture

You can find varying opinions on "nature v. nurture" or "biology v. environment". I remember learning in child psychology class (in the opinion of my professor) that people's lives are roughly 75% environment, 25% biology. After working with multiple populations in child welfare and mental health, I'd tend to agree with that assessment. In general, an unstable, abusive, unpredictable, or neglectful environment tends to have poorer outcomes that can't be explained just from genetics. However, genetics are definitely a real factor in personality and health.

I found recent research findings that are interesting and wanted to share:

Researchers are making strides in understanding how genes work with the environment to shape behavior, adding a new twist to the age-old debate over whether nature or nurture is mostly responsible for how people develop.

They are finding that sensitivity to the environment resides in the biology of the nervous system. And some people, because of their genetic makeup and life experiences, are more sensitive to outside influences than others. Scientists point to a type they call orchids—people who wilt under poor conditions but flourish in supportive climes. Meanwhile, dandelions aren't much affected by the world around them, whether supportive or harsh.

Who Wilts, Who Flourishes

The interplay of the brain's biology and the environment makes some people more sensitive to outside influences than others, research shows. People more susceptible to external factors, both positive and negative, are called orchids. Others are hardy dandelions.

Orchids

• Prone to anxiety, depression, aggression in difficult conditions
• Trouble maintaining attention amid distractions
• Act out more when parents fight, but pay more attention in school when have happy home life
• Better students, more likely to share when praised
• Poverty, marital conflict, negativity speed up puberty
• Puberty starts later and progresses more slowly if higher quality relationship with parents
• Meditation likely to reduce stress levels dramatically

Dandelions

• Affected relatively little by adversity
• Can focus amid distractions
• Learning doesn't vary with home life
• Sharing doesn't improve more when praised
• Whatever the family life, puberty tends to proceed at about the same pace
• Meditation cuts stress levels, but not as much as in orchids

Part of the difference stems from variation in genes like DRD4, which helps regulate a chemical in the brain called dopamine, a neurotransmitter that helps people experience pleasure and reward. Evidence suggests that people who produce less dopamine—the orchids—don't learn as well from negative feedback or in a distracting environment, but do perform well in a warm but strict setting.
About 30% of Caucasians could be called orchids as a result of the genetic variation to DRD4, one review of research on the subject has shown. Prevalence in other ethnicities is less well known.
Researchers say the most startling discovery is that while sensitive orchids are hurt by bad outside influences, they can benefit profoundly from positive environments. Children who acted out more and did worse in school than classmates while coping with fighting parents, for example, shared more and performed better than peers after an intervention to promote a happier home life, according to a 2010 study of 338 children in the journal Child Development.

"The very characteristics that were often thought of as children's greatest frailties can also be their greatest strengths," says Bruce Ellis, a University of Arizona professor of family studies and human development who helped coin the orchid and dandelion designations and develop the theory.
The most recent study, published in August in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, looked at the impact of the economy on mothers' parenting.

The study found mothers with a particular genetic variation yelled, cursed and slapped their children more as the economy plunged during the recent downturn of 2008, though they parented less harshly than mothers who didn't have the genetic change as the economy improved in the early 2000s.
Mothers with the sensitive kind of gene do parenting "worse when conditions are deteriorating," says Irwin Garfinkel, a professor at Columbia University's School of Social Work who helped author the study. "But those with the sensitive gene do better when conditions are improving."

The findings that only certain people may be sensitive to outside influences have triggered a spirited debate about how best to help troubled youths and adults. Some say treatment might need to be different for those identified as orchids than those who are dandelions.

Much is still unknown about the mechanics behind people's environmental susceptibility. It is likely that most people aren't either an orchid or a dandelion, but have the qualities of each to varying degrees.

Critics like Glenn Roisman, a professor at the University of Minnesota's Institute of Child Development, question the strength of the evidence implicating particular genetic hitches in environmental sensitivity and say more rigorous study is needed.

Dr. Roisman says the research must better distinguish how good or how bad outside influences need to be to have a significant effect, and whether a person's susceptibility is specific to certain factors.
"If you're an orchid, you may be an orchid susceptible to specific environmental circumstances," such as parenting but not peer pressure, Dr. Roisman says.

Jay Belsky, a University of California, Davis, professor of human development, was among those who pioneered the idea that certain people are developmentally malleable.

Researchers had long thought that childhood experiences shaped how people turned out later in life. Dr. Belsky figured it made evolutionary sense that some children would be more susceptible to early influences than others because the future is uncertain.

If the future turned out as anticipated, these developmentally malleable children would be in a great position to flourish because they wound up fitting the environment in which they found themselves. But if the future was unexpected, these same kids would be mismatched, perhaps disastrously so.
To ensure survival over generations regardless of what the future brought, parents would have both orchid and dandelion offspring, Dr. Belsky thought.

Evidence hashing out the biology behind the theory and supporting its validity began pouring in about five years ago, once the technology for parsing genetic data was more widely available to researchers.

Researcher Marinus Van IJzendoorn and colleagues at Leiden University in the Netherlands took a sample of 157 children at risk for aggression and disobedience. They swabbed the inside of the study subjects' cheeks and analyzed the cells to see who had a variation of DRD4, the dopamine-regulating gene.

At a laboratory, Dr. Van IJzendoorn filmed the study subjects' mothers working with their at-risk children. Half of the parents in the study were visited six times by a social worker who reviewed the video and discussed how to be warmer while setting limits more strictly; the other parents didn't receive such training. The mothers answered questionnaires designed to assess the children's behavior.

"We found clear-cut evidence" that the children with the DRD4 variant "were more open to the changes in their parents' behavior: These children who showed most aggressive behavior without the parent training, displayed least problem behaviors after the training," Dr. Van IJzendoorn said in an email. The study was published in 2008 in the journal Developmental Psychology.

In 2011, Dr. Van IJzendoorn and colleagues published in the journal Development and Psychopathology an analysis of 15 studies involving more than 1,200 children confirming the hypothesis that dopamine-system related genes mark a person's susceptibility to the environment.

Positive Adoption Language, Cont'd

The third entry I made when I started this blog was about positive adoption language. Using positive language takes some conscious thought, but if you make the effort to choose your words wisely, it will become a habit and it will show you value all members of the adoption triad.

Credit for this graphic is that I found it on Pinterest and links back to Attempting Agape. 

I didn't give you the gift of life

Adding An Agency

We are in the process of potentially adding ourselves to the waiting list of another agency. It's another fairly locally based agency. We basically pay an application fee to get on the list, and they will use the homestudy we already have. We will stay with our primary agency, too. This doubles our exposure. There are other ways to do this (like networking websites, word of mouth) that we are not all together opposed to, but adoption is like going to a casino... it involves financial risk, and you have to weigh your risks.

Adding to another agency
Positives: It is a non-profit agency so we don't lose any money if an expectant/birth parent changes their minds. They have a lower amount of waiting families and a higher amount of placements per year.

Negatives: The placement fee (if we get a placement through them) is significantly higher than the agency we are with now.

We're going to make a financial plan to make sure it would be feasible to adopt through this agency, if we were chosen. If we figure something out, we will be sending that application on in.

Adoption Scam

A Madison woman accused of fleeing with her newborn baby after agreeing to give it up for adoption to seven separate families is the newest addition to the Tennessee Bureau of Investigation’s Top Ten Most Wanted list.

Tiffany Lynne Jordan-Johnson, 32, has been indicted on seven felony counts of illegal payments in connection with the placement of a child, six counts of theft and separate counts of forgery and attempted forgery as part of an alleged scheme.

According to the TBI, between November 2012 and March 2013, a pregnant Jordan-Johnson agreed to let seven different families adopt her child after he or she was born, according to a TBI release. She also allegedly began accepting payments from parents and adoption agencies meant to help cover rent and living expenses, although authorities believe she lived in a rent-free, government-subsidized apartment.

Once she met with each family at her Madison home, many of them began purchasing items and holding baby showers for the newborn.

After her child was born in Dyer, Tenn., in April 2013, Jordan-Johnson, her baby, and the youngest of her six other children could not be found. TBI and Metro Police officials are still trying to establish her whereabouts.

Jordan-Johnson has a prior history of misdemeanor assault, the TBI release said. Anyone with knowledge of her whereabouts is urged to contact authorities at 1-800-TBI-FIND. A $1,000 reward has been offered for information leading to her arrest.

Source: http://www.tennessean.com/article/20131101/NEWS03/311010206/TBI-Tennessee-woman-promised-baby-7-adoptive-families

*Note: One of the scammed families commented on the article and has since had a baby boy placed with them. He says they waited 5 years to adopt with four failed adoptions (2 scams). A happy ending in the midst of this sad story.

Long Term Effects of Prenatal Substance Exposure

Go here to hear a free, one hour podcast on long term effects of prenatal substance exposure.

"Evaluating the risk of Prenatal Alcohol and Drug Exposure is one of the hardest decisions adoptive parents must make. Host Dawn Davenport interviewed Dr. Ira Chasnoff, one of the nation's leading researchers on long term effects of prenatal alcohol and drug exposure, and author of a new book on the subject- The Mystery of Risk. Dr. Chasnoff is President of the Children's Research Triangle and a Professor of Clinical Pediatrics at the University of Illinois College of Medicine in Chicago."

Defining Family

Thought of the Day: Sharing genes or a bloodline is not the only indication of family. When we adopt, the child will be "our own".

FMLA & Adoption

If you qualify for FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act) through your employer, adoption must be covered the same as birth of a biological child. This is not legal advice but is a compilation of information I've gathered on the topic.

• To qualify for FMLA, you have to work for a private sector employer with 50+ employees or a public/government employer no matter the number of employees.
• To qualify for FMLA, you have to work at an employer for at least 12 months and have worked at least 1,250 hours in the preceding 12 month period.
• FMLA provides 12 weeks of leave for any adoption. This leave is NOT paid unless you have PTO to use during it or if your employer has some other paid benefit. This leave simply protects your job while you are off.
• This leave covers all types of adoption: domestic, international, and foster care (including placement for foster care, not necessarily just adoption from foster care).
• The time taken for FMLA must be taken within 12 months of placement.
• This time must taken as a continuous block of leave unless employer agrees to intermittent leave (however, if the child has a serious medical need, intermittent leave must be allowed).
• This leave can include time spent for adoption travel, adoption meetings and appointments, and court. 
• Some states offer additional FMLA benefits in addition to the federal requirement of 12 months, so check to see what your state offers. For example, my state offers an additional 4 weeks for a total of 16 weeks for adoption and/or childbirth.

Sources: http://www.dol.gov/whd/regs/compliance/whdfs28.pdf
http://www.dol.gov/whd/regs/compliance/whdfs28B.pdf
http://www.dol.gov/whd/regs/compliance/whdfs28f.pdf
http://hrdailyadvisor.blr.com/2012/02/20/when-supervisors-often-make-an-fmla-mistake-adoption-and-foster-care/#

Communicable Diseases in Pregnancy & Adoption

Note: As I wrote on the drug exposure post, I don't post this to perpetuate any stereotype of a birthmother necessarily having a communicable disease but to educate myself and others since some adoptive situations could involve medical risks and it is important to know risks and diagnostic information. Just wanted to make sure that is clear! :)

As part of the homestudy process, we had to specify if we are open to situations involving medical risks. I want to focus a post on several diagnoses that could be in consideration for an adoptive situation. This isn't substitute for professional medical advice but is a compilation of some research I've found. 

Hepatitis C

-“The overall risk of transmitting hepatitis C to your baby while pregnant or during birth is around 5% if you have detectable levels of the virus in your blood” (Source).

-“There is an increased risk of transmission from mother to baby when the mother is in the acute (newly acquired) stage of hepatitis C infection; is co-infected with HIV; has ongoing injecting drug use risk behaviors” (Source).

-“All babies born to women with hepatitis C will test antibody positive at birth because their mother’s antibodies cross the placenta into their blood stream. Antibodies are like memory cells, reminding the body that it has been infected with a virus or bacteria in the past. These antibodies pass through the placenta to the baby during the pregnancy; however they do not infect the baby with the virus. By around the age of 18 months, around 92-95% of babies will have cleared their mother’s antibodies and test negative for hepatitis C. Therefore antibody testing should only be carried out after the child reaches 18 months of age” (Source).

-“If you are pregnant and have hepatitis C, the chance of your baby being infected with hepatitis C is the same whether your baby is born by vaginal delivery or c-section” (Source).

-Even if a child becomes infected, there is still chance for the rest of the household to remain disease free. “Household transmission of hepatitis C is extremely rare. Fewer than 1 in 1,000 family members or close acquaintances becomes infected each year through common, nonsexual contact with hepatitis C-infected persons. There are many possible ways by which hepatitis C could be passed from one person to another. Because the virus is carried in the blood, it could be transmitted between household members if a mucous membrane (for example, in an eye, the mouth, or the nose) were to come in contact with blood or body fluids containing hepatitis C. Family members sometimes share razors, toothbrushes, or toothpicks, perhaps unknowingly. If an item were contaminated with hepatitis C-infected blood from one person, the virus could be passed to a second person if it were to tear the lining of the mouth or break through the skin. Although these sorts of possibilities are often discussed as potential ways for hepatitis C to infect family members, such events occur very rarely” (Source). 
-Hepatitis C is not necessarily a death sentence. “The stabilization of chronic Hepatitis C, as opposed to the escalation of liver disease, is the predominant determiner of an infected person’s prognosis. Getting tested and diagnosed is the single most important step towards Hepatitis C stabilization. Only upon being aware of one’s Hepatitis C status can someone start to make choices that will help stabilize or cure their condition. Recent advancements in Hepatitis C drugs can lead to a cure in up to three-quarters of infected people. For those who are not candidates or are not successful in eliminating a chronic case of Hepatitis C through pharmaceuticals, there are many approaches that help prevent liver disease progression, such as being completely abstinent from alcohol, eating a liver-friendly diet, maintaining an ideal body weight, getting regular physical activity, avoiding cigarettes and drugs, and relieving stress on a regular basis” (Source)
-5/2014 update: A new and reportedly very effective Hep C medication has been released (Source).



HIV
-“A baby can become infected with HIV in the womb, during delivery or while breast-feeding. If the mother does not receive treatment, 25 percent of babies born to women with HIV will be infected by the virus. With treatment that percentage can be reduced to less than 2 percent, according to the March of Dimes” (Source). 
-The risk of prenatal HIV transmission is below 2 % if HIV drugs are taken correctly. “Studies show that treatment works best at preventing HIV in a baby if it is started before 28 weeks into pregnancy” (Source Source2). 
-“Until you know that your baby is HIV-positive or HIV-negative, ask your pediatric HIV specialist if your baby might benefit from anti-HIV medicines. New research shows that putting a newborn on a 2- or 3-drug anti-HIV medicine plan cuts the infant's risk of HIV by 50 percent (compared to using one drug only)” (Source). 

-“If your child has HIV/AIDS, you can take comfort in knowing that there is hope for your child's future. Eighty percent of infected children have a slow rate of disease progression (that means it takes a long time before the disease gets worse). With treatment, children with HIV survive for longer now. There are many adults alive today who were infected with HIV from their mothers at birth and have grown into adulthood. They have a good quality of life because of new HIV drugs, better care, and fewer opportunistic infections” (Source). 

-“HIV cannot be transmitted through casual contact, such  as hugging and closed-mouth kissing. HIV also cannot be transmitted by items such as dishes, drinking glasses, toilet seats, or door knobs shared with an HIV-infected person” (Source)

Co-occuring Hepatitis C and HIV

-“Women infected with both HIV and hepatitis C have a higher risk of transmitting hepatitis C to their baby (transmission rates of 16% have been recorded for mothers co-infected with HIV and hepatitis) than women who are not co-infected” (Source). 

-In hepatitis C positive/HIV-negative women, route of delivery does not influence vertical transmission. In Hepatitis C/HIV-coinfected women, decisions regarding mode of delivery should be based on HIV status (Source).

Syphilis

-“Congenital syphilis is a severe, disabling, and often life-threatening infection seen in infants. A pregnant mother who has syphilis can spread the disease through the placenta to the unborn infant. Nearly half of all children infected with syphilis while they are in the womb die shortly before or after birth” (Source).  
-“About 50 percent of pregnant women with untreated early syphilis end up a baby who's infected. (That's compared to 1 to 2 percent of women who get treated.)"
-“Some babies infected with syphilis whose mothers are not treated in a timely fashion during pregnancy develop problems before birth that are visible on an ultrasound. These problems might include an overly large placenta, fluid in their abdomen and severe swelling, and an enlarged liver or spleen. An infected baby may have other abnormalities at birth, such as a skin rash and lesions around the mouth, genitals, and anus; abnormal nasal secretions; swollen lymph glands; pneumonia; and anemia. Most babies don't have these symptoms initially, but without treatment they develop some symptoms within the first month or two after birth. And whether or not there are obvious symptoms early on, if the disease isn't treated, babies born with syphilis may end up with more problems years later, such as bone and teeth deformities, vision and hearing loss, and other serious neurological problems. That's why it's critical for women to be tested and treated during pregnancy, and for any baby who may have syphilis at birth to be fully evaluated and treated as well.” (Source).

Gonorrhea

-“Gonorrhea is a common STD in the United States. Untreated gonococcal infection in pregnancy has been linked to miscarriages, premature birth and low birth weight, premature rupture of the membranes surrounding the baby in the uterus, and infection of the fluid that surrounds the baby during pregnancy. Gonorrhea can also infect an infant during delivery as the infant passes through the birth canal. If untreated, infants can develop eye infections. Because gonorrhea can cause problems in both the mother and her baby, it is important to accurately identify the infection, treat with effective antibiotics, and closely follow up to make sure that the infection has been cured” (Source). 
 -“If you have a gonorrhea infection when you go into labor, you can pass the bacteria to your baby. Gonorrhea in newborns most commonly affects the eyes, and babies may eventually go blind if left untreated. The U.S. Preventive Services Task Force strongly recommends – and most states require by law – that all babies be treated with medicated eye drops or ointments soon after birth as a preventive measure. If the mother is known to have gonorrhea or the baby has a gonorrheal eye infection, he'll be treated with systemic antibiotics as well” (Source).

Chlamydia

“Chlamydia is the most common sexually transmitted bacterium in the United States. Although the majority of chlamydial infections do not have symptoms, pregnant women may have abnormal vaginal discharge, bleeding after sex, or itching/burning with urination. Untreated chlamydial infection has been linked to problems during pregnancy, including preterm labor, premature rupture of the membranes surrounding the baby in the uterus, and low birth weight.  The newborn may also become infected during delivery as the baby passes through the birth canal. Neonatal (newborn) infections lead primarily to eye and lung infections. All pregnant women should be tested for chlamydia at their first prenatal visit. Repeat testing in the third trimester should be done for women at high risk (Source).

National Adoption Month

November is National Adoption Month. I can't promise to do a post every day, but I will try to do many educational posts this month about practical issues in relation to adoption. If anyone has questions about adoption, feel free to post in the comments section, and I will do my best to address them.