To Come This Far

Most everyone worries during pregnancy, from what I've heard and observed. Nervous for labor pains. Hoping the baby is healthy. A little neurotic with nesting.

I had anxiety to begin with. I always have. A lot of my anxiety revolves around being prepared. I took a two day class, bought three books and a cd, and spent numerous hours making flash cards before my professional licensure test. Vacations can be difficult with me. I want to research and plan for everything. Everyone has a vice- control is mine.

This process to have a child, every step of the way, has challenged me. I have had very little control. I took the medicine and ordered top quality donor sperm. Nope. I perfected a profile book that was literally my heart on paper but it mostly sat at the adoption agency collecting dust. Again and again, doors closed.

This challenged me. And my faith. But I believed the right situation would come.

Finally, a pregnancy. Two great betas. Then an ultrasound with a sac and fetal pole. This was it.

But it slipped through my grasp.

Medical complication after complication for myself and for my husband. Nothing we could do but keep hoping the pain and struggles would come to an end. It was a dark cloud for almost a year.

And pregnancy after loss and fertility treatments and medical complications has not been easy. This trauma programs you to expect more loss. One thought can spiral into certain demise.

The anxiety I have managed for so long became a trap. I went to counseling with a wonderful, skilled therapist. I leaned on my faith. It helped but not enough. I couldn't control the intrusive thoughts, the compulsions to have control, the what-if's, the expecting the worst, the constant researching and obsessing over medical issues.

How could I have come this far, only weeks away from (God willing) holding my son in my arms, and be so paralyzed?

It wasn't a decision I made lightly by any means. The mere anxiety surrounding harming my baby I've worked so hard to bring to the earth was enough to stop me in my tracks.

I came to realize that it wasn't going to get better without trying something else. My biggest priority is the health and wellbeing of my baby, but how healthy was he, really, being flooded with stress hormones?

And how would it be for him to get here and all I am able to do is feed him but obsess was it enough, and lay him to sleep but obsess if he was still breathing? I didn't come this far for that to be my baby's beginning to life. All babies are a miracle, but mine is of course the biggest miracle in my own eyes. There has been trauma with his early days, but he doesn't know that. He doesn't know he had a sister I lost. He doesn't know I had bleeds that made me certain he was dead. All he should know right now is that he is very loved by me, his dad, and our entire circle of family and friends. He deserves that, and so do I.

It was time for me to be ready to fully open my heart to the risks of loving someone. There's no reason for me to expect he will die or I will die (I was to that point, and got a will made in case I did die). All of our lives are but a vapor. I can think of so many instances where God has had His hand on my life. God has done the same, already, for my son. I knew that without a shadow of a doubt, but I couldn't live it no matter how hard I tried, if that makes sense.

So, I started this tiny green pill called Z.oloft. It's typically used for depression but can also help with anxiety. It helps the brain have more steady serotonin supply. Apparently I really was trying all I could, because while the medicine is not a cure... it has markedly improved my anxiety. It takes the edge off. I don't feel as hypervigilant. My pulse doesn't race as bad, and my chest doesn't feel as tight. It's easier for me to use my skills from therapy to help reframe or control my anxiety when my brain isn't a constant barrage of worry.

Anxiety is real. It's not a weakness or something you can snap out of or will yourself not to have or even necessarily something you can pray away (you pray with cancer, but you still take the treatments, right?). Anxiety is a common response to infertility and loss. Reproductive trauma. Trauma changes your brain. Therapy can certainly help, but I can say for me it was not enough on its own. And that's okay. I don't want others to feel alone in their struggles, which is why I share this.

I am so grateful to have the resources to address this on this side of pregnancy. I am hopeful for a safe and beautiful birth and a long, slow, peaceful maternity leave with my little guy. I have fought to see his face. He will be here soon enough, and everything about my life will change. I don't deserve this. I'm so very blessed!

Hope & Healing

I still don't like ultrasounds. I wish I could get sedation and wake up and know the results. It's pretty sad. I alternate between laying as stiff as possible on the table and wishing I could dart off the table. The pressure is too much.

But I survived, and thank God the anatomy scan couldn't have been better.

Is there a heartbeat? Yes, I see the flicker. Obstacle passed. He's still alive. Whew.

"How's my cervix?" Oh, you think it's strange I'm asking cervix length and know that 4.2 is more than sufficient? I have no real reason to know or care. I'm just that paranoid. And now I have one less thing to worry about... until the next ultrasound, anyway.

Back to the heart. Yep, four chambers (which by the way, I was not expecting to see the heart is such detail- it was pretty cool). Check.

The spine has perfect detail. Each. Little. Vertebrae. Check.

The kidneys are both there. The bladder is there. It empties and fills back up during the scan. The stomach is there and on the correct side (I thought it would need to be in the middle) and interestingly was full of amniotic fluid. Check. Check. Check.

The head measures correctly. Check.

The arms and legs measure correctly. Actually, the legs are quite long. Who in the family is tall? "He gets that from his genetic dad". So check, check.

Baby boy did a few waves. Turned over and back again. Stretched his feet up to his face. Got complimented on his perfect head shape and how well behaved he was for the measurements. Thankfully his aunt was there to coo at him and help him feel loved in that moment.

Now.... it all feels like a dream. My stomach is getting bigger because there is a real, live, growing baby in there. Weird.

Maybe this really will work. Maybe this is where I was meant to be. He must be who I have been waiting for.

16 Weeks Check In

Just a little check in...

To answer my most frequently asked question of late, no, we don't have a name yet. We didn't think too hard about names until we found out what we were having (why agonize over two names when we will probably never need one of them?)... now it's just hard finding the right name that goes well with our last name, is easy to spell, is gender specific, translates well to adulthood, and is not common but not weird in a small Southern town. Suggestions welcome! :)

Rant- I've gotten multiple times that since we're having a boy, maybe next time we will have a girl. Ahhh. Although we have two embryos left, at this point it's pretty unlikely in my mind that we will be the ones to transfer them for a multitude of reasons. Our family can be complete with one child, I think, and without a girl if that's how it pans out. And besides, we already had a girl. She just didn't make it to the earth. Of course, we reserve the right to change our minds (and we are paying to store the embryos until after the birth and can fully decide)... it's just frustrating to hear this comment.  

Well, it's been 8 weeks since I did one of these, so I guess it's time to give an update on all my ailments- haha!

Baby's size: Avocado

Total weight gain: Last week I was one pound below pre-estrace weight. If I had to guess, I've gained at least a pound or two this week. I feel huge!

Sleep: Tired earlier in the evening and waking up early- hello 5 AM.

Best moment of last week: Seeing our baby on the ultrasound and finding out we are having a boy! And giving the news to our family.

Miss anything: Being able to wear normal scrubs, being able to exercise (I say it loosely- walking on my lunch break and doing pilates at home)

Food cravings: Pizza, any fruit, coffee cake, cinnamon rolls, an ice cold Diet Dr Pepper in a 20 oz bottle (haven't had any since before the transfer but I keep thinking about it- the sound of the lid coming off, the mist coming up from the bottle, the burning and sweetness on my tongue....)

Anything that makes you sick or queasy: As long as I eat pretty regularly, I feel okay. I haven't ventured back to chicken yet but thought today that Z.axby's sounded kind of good- too bad they were closed due to weather, so I couldn't test out my thoughts. I still can't drink carbonation, and I am hesitant around fried foods (my heartburn is totally gone since I stopped the progesterone, but it's in the head).

Looking forward to: Going to the doctor next week- I never knew I would be excited about the doctor! I just want to make sure everything is okay. I know he is growing and I don't have any more bleeding (knock on ten piles of wood). But I don't know that my thyroid, blood pressure, blood sugars, cervix length, and a multitude of other stressors are what they should be. I'm constantly on edge.

The internet says: He is 4.5 inches (feels way bigger) and is getting hair, lashes, and taste buds. He also may be able to start hearing the world around him soon, too.

Other milestones: I haven't thrown up in about 2 weeks! Wohoo!!! I've cleaned a bunch of junk out of the nursery- we've had it set up for over 2 years since we were doing foster care and had accumulated way too much stuff. And, I got back into some counseling to help with my anxiety. Anxiety isn't the enemy. It is my body protecting itself (physically and emotionally). I knew my emotions had been through the ringer but really hadn't stopped to think just all my body has been though in less than a year- all the medication and hormones and appointments and transfers and pregnancy and surgeries. I know most of my anxiety stems from some of the traumatic things that have happened a long the way, so luckily I am finding a healthy and effective way to process them.

I Can't Explain

My belly gets a little bigger every day. At first it just looked wider, but now the bump is moving up and is pretty noticeable when I'm not in scrubs. Although, I have to admit that a frequent flier patient at my work asked if I was still exercising and eating healthy, so I guess people who don't know are starting to wonder. I still haven't gained any weight, so I guess it's just my insides getting pushed out.

I had to seek out some maternity underwear due to the aforementioned growth. I was angry, yes angry, that Target didn't have any. I don't want to buy regular a size up. They will roll down in the front and sag in the back, and my current ones leave a line in my belly. What the heck society. Am I the only one who sees this need? 

And that irritation was because I had to, then, go to Motherhood Maternity. I tried their website, but the sizing wasn't clear. I went, and I felt like an imposter there. I'm just as pregnant as any other shopper there, but I felt like I didn't belong, and I rushed in and out. 

It's been about three weeks since my last ultrasound, and by the time we go to the specialty shop to get the big sex reveal on Friday, it will have been almost four weeks. 

I can't explain why I feel the way I do. Other than the night I bled a ton, I never think "what if the baby's heart has stopped?"... Other than when I think about the next ultrasound. My trigger. I start to plan it out in my head. Would the tech notice right away? The baby wouldn't be moving, so I'd notice right away. What would the tech say? Why did I schedule the scan on a Friday afternoon? How will I reach my OB, then? 

These thought are very intrusive. They invade my brain like I imagine a tumor can, weaving in and getting stuck there. 

Why can't I be happy? Why can't I be more excited? I get to see my baby. I will have a video of the movement and lots of new pictures. We can really start planning once we know "boy or girl". But I'm dragging my feet because I don't want bad news. 

I am blessed. God is with me. He has helped me get to this point. I don't understand every "why", but I still trust Him. 

However, those things don't negate my pain and fears. I live in a broken world. Each day is an opportunity to unbury myself and try to heal. 

3.5 years of waiting, the isolation, the home studies, the lost faith in the foster care system, the rejection in adoption situations, the failed IUIs, the failed IVF transfer, the blighted ovum, the miscarriage, the painful realities of medical interventions I fear whether it be the 100s of shots or the two d&c's, the bright red blood at a time you aren't supposed to bleed- it all adds up. It is a heavy weight, much too heavy to dispose of in the amount of time I've had. 

And it will still be there when I deliver. My hope is that it will be much less heavy and won't take away in my ability to enjoy my biggest blessing, this creature I have sought after and fought for. 

Pregnancy is normally a time to get things ready. Thank God we have a nursery already, because it's my heart I need to get ready. 

My Days

Everyone says the second trimester brings big changes, and I'll agree. I still have queasiness issues, gagging, and occasional throwing up, but my aversions and all day nausea if I don't eat every few hours has faded. I'm still tired, but I'm not a complete zombie by 5:30 PM.

I thought it was too soon to be getting maternity scrubs, but my normally loose, stretchy pants are getting tight. I asked the girl at the store when people normally bought them, and she was kind to say the lady she helped the other day was 3 months. So I don't feel as bad. I'm glad I went when I did because they were out of my size and it takes 1.5 weeks for them to come in. At the rate I'm going I will be desperate for a larger size by then. :) 

8 more days til we find out if we're having a boy or girl. Things will get more real, I think. 

I'm working through my anxiety. It's been a struggle in the past few weeks. I think for so many weeks I was in survival mode, just trying to survive shots and ultrasounds and holding my breath til I saw a heartbeat each time. It's caught up with me now. The bleed has pushed me to my limits and the incident last week brought me back to the place of wondering if I would ever be a parent. 

Fear, doubt, and guilt grip me. I've already had anxiety and panic attacks in the past that I've been able to manage for the most part, but I'm getting some direction now. 

Dreading Dopplers

At 12.5 weeks I had my first official OB appointment today. It's ridiculous to me. It's one of my biggest annoyances in this process- that bureaucracy keep my anxious (rightfully so) self from a doctor. It is compounded by being under the care of a doctor across the state so I'm never fully looked at- just bloodwork here and an ultrasound there.

So I went and went with panic I tried to squash. My bleeding is back to how it first was when I was diagnosed with the SCH. Why is it back when my 9 week ultrasound measured it at mere millimeters? Then this morning I had an incident that felt just like water breaking. WTF. 

The nurse practitioner- because I still can't see the OB(!!!)- wasn't concerned with any of it. I know it's not likely to be leaking amniotic fluid at this point but it's still a worry. She swears it's normal. That just doesn't seem right. 

Instead of an ultrasound to check the bleed and check on my fluid, because it makes sense to me, I got a Doppler. My first one. They shouldn't do them on people like me. I was frozen while she wanted all around my lower belly. Wanded. Nothing. Wanded. Nothing. This is pure torture. 

By the time she found the heartbeat, I could only be relieved. No joy. No excitement. Just trying to pick my stomach up off the ground it had sunk so low. I've felt this way in every ultrasound, too. I just want to get through them and know everything is okay. I wish I could coo like the nurse or tech, but I can't. I don't know when the fear will stop. I try to not give into it, but I feel traumatized, just waiting to hear that this baby lost its heartbeat, too. 

For today I'm pregnant. My baby had a heartbeat this morning. I'm taking as best care of us as I know how, and that's all I can do. 

Growing Miracles

Tomorrow is a big day.

The ultrasound.

Is this a viable pregnancy? Will we see a heartbeat? How many sacs will there be?

I fluctuate between trying not to thinking about it, being very hopeful, being at peace, and feeling nervous about being back on the dreaded table with the dreaded ultrasound probe.

"In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. 

So after you have suffered a little while, He will restore, support, and strengthen you, 

and He will place you on a firm foundation".- 1 Peter 5:10