What Not to Wear

I came up with a swollen summer fashion solution, for today at least. Wear compression socks at home with my nightgown as I clean and lounge in the privacy of my home. 

When I get ready to go to the outdoor function, the socks are definitely a no-go with jean shorts and a tank top- remove socks and wear regular ankle socks with tennis shoes. 

Repeat compression socks when I get home. Minimal swelling, no public judgement. The tall tacky socks go perfectly with my tacky nightgown (cute campers and yard flamingos). D hasn't batted an eye. It works. 

Stuck on a Cinnamon Roll

I might have left work this morning to drive across town and get a cinnamon roll. 

I've been thinking about one for weeks. I drive past a place that sells them every single day. 

It was good... but not great. Kinda like when I became fixated on Diet Dr. Pepper. I just had to have it, but it was a let down. 

Nothing really seems to taste as good anymore (not even Mexican!). 

Dull

I had a very dull, boring appointment today. I didn't even finish signing in before I got called back. The nurse asked if anything was bothering me, and I said nothing that isn't to be expected (nosebleeds, ligament pain, swollen ankles, being breathless and dizzy at all times are unfortunate symptoms that I'm happy to overlook). 

Pee was fine, blood pressure was fine, baby's heart rate was fine. Baby is measuring a week ahead. The doctor is really happy with my weight gain (12 pounds now). He said he wished all patients had pregnancies this healthy. <3 

Music to my ears after so much fear and drama (and to be honest, every overachiever loves to hear stuff like this, even if only half of my health is really in my control). 

So... I love boring. I'll gladly take it! 

I'll keep taking my vitamins and trying to stay active and try not to go crazy thinking of all the scenerios that could happen with giving birth. My anxiety is pretty high at times. Maybe more on that later. 

A Story of Sweets

We went to a frozen yogurt place. I got a small cup (half cake batter and half tiger blood- separated by a divider), but after I finished it still wanted some more sweets. 

I got a second cup and filled it with some gummies and mini marshmallows. Baby wanted them. 

When I paid, the cashier said, "Wow, I've never seen that happen". The total was five cents. (I guess I'm the only weirdo who gets a very light round two minus the fro yo). I already had my debit out because, well, who uses cash anymore? 

She generously dug into the tip jar and got a nickel. She wouldn't let me pay. Of course by then I felt embarrassed so I rounded up a dollar bill from D (I guess old people still use cash. He's got several years on me) and replenished her tip jar. 

Thanks to the generosity of a caring fro yo attendant, our baby quite enjoyed his treats. 

A Little Different

I preregistered at the hospital yesterday. The ask due date, which is understandable, but they also asked if I knew around when I may have gotten pregnant.

"Why yes, I do. November 19th around 1 PM". I should have added the fact that my husband was actually in the next room, too. ;)

Another errand was getting TDAP shots. Like any type A person, I got mine at 28 weeks on the dot (the beginning of the recommended period). D, on the other hand, wasn't rushing to get poked. So, one night when we were eating out I noticed a walk-in clinic next door. Over we went. 

The receptionist was questioning why we were doing it there since insurance wouldn't cover it. I assured her it wasn't covered at my OB office OR the recommended pharmacy I'd gone to so even though we've met our OOP Max for D for the entire year already (thanks foot surgeries)- insurance was still getting out of paying in the way they like to do. She laughed and mentioned he should find some elective things to do this year, maybe even a vasectomy if we were "done"- pointing at my big belly. 

D piped up that he already had one of those several years ago so... Nope... No more procedures for 2015. 

I'm sure this left her wondering. Vasectomy several years ago. Shots for an upcoming baby. Hmm. 

Helping

I'm happy for myself, of course. Blessed beyond measure.

My heart is slowly healing from the pain of the last few years. My heart will never be the same, but I have peace and contentment. Words just can't describe the drastic change in me that seemingly came out of nowhere.

But...

I wish everyone I cared about could be in the same place of expectation as me.

My heart is truly heavy for a few friends... those who have had failed transfers at NEDC and failed IVFs on their own and failed IUIs and unsuccessful months trying to conceive on their own and are just starting out with a fertility clinic.

I guess in hindsight I was waiting, and I really do believe the waiting and barriers led me to where I am supposed to be. To this baby I am having, God willing, in two-ish months. So the timing was for a reason. But the point is- I am here (parenthood), or almost, anyway.

I'm speaking tonight at a local adoption support group about embryo adoption.  I hope I can bring hope and another option to families who are right where I was two years ago. Sitting in a stiff chair at an agency led meeting wondering when "our time" would ever come.

I just want to help other people. I guess one of the best ways I can support other people is to provide education on this option. Embryo adoption might not be for everyone, but it was the answer for us, and I'm sure it's the answer for other people who have no clue about it or how it works.

Belly

Today I heard I'm "popping out", "really showing now", and obviously "expecting" to strangers, even in my scrubs. I was around 18 weeks when the first stranger asked me when I'm due, but I guess it's pretty obvious to just about everyone, now.

Yeah, my belly is so big I even burnt my stomach on a hot pan when I was draining ground beef last night and just bumped right into it.

He's somewhere around 2.5 pounds and will be about 3x that come August. Eek.

I'm just glad he's growing away. My ribcage is being invaded, but I can't complain. My 11th embryo can punch my guts all he wants.

Next Phase

Yesterday I had my first ultrasound that I wasn't sick with nerves. I think it was ultrasound number 9 of this pregnancy, if I am counting correctly. Since my baby moves on and off throughout the day, I wasn't worried that they'd scan, only to find a still baby with no heartbeat.

It's still a struggle. I'm excited, but it's in my own way. I'm still pretty reserved and am sure I will be that way til he gets here. There's nothing to program your brain for pain and failure like what's happened to get to this point. And I am okay with it. It is what it is. I'm not guilty anymore. I know I love him more than anything, and I take each day as it comes.

The ultrasound itself was great. I drank OJ ahead of time like they suggest, but it did nothing to get him moving. He was curled up contently almost the whole 30 minutes. My placenta is anterior which makes 3D ultrasounds difficult, and he was using it as a pillow! So he didn't do anything cool like suck his thumb or wave. But he smiled and looked like he was praying at one point and mostly looked sweet. There was one shot that looked like he had a legit mustache, so D is banking on him coming out with one so we can get on I.nside E.dition and maybe even retire early.

Which brings me to where I'd normally share a cute picture. Although 3D is still pretty non identifying, at some point I have to decide when to stop sharing. My child won't be on any public social media for multiple reasons, and blogging is included. I feel like this is a good point to stop with the pictures of him. I may still share non identifying pictures when he gets here. I've also decided not to share his name or first initial here, so I need to come up with a good nickname.

This blog has meant so many things to me. It's captured memories I would have already otherwise forgotten. It's connected me to great folks! It has allowed me to share one path towards parenthood and hopefully has encouraged others who ultimately choose embryo adoption. So, I want to continue it. And I want to continue keeping it public so I can share with strangers or acquaintances who have empty arms but may find them full with a little frozen snowflake.

Little Soul

My little 28 week eggplant. 

I go to the doctor tomorrow. I felt disappointed at first when I saw it on the calendar because I don't want to be weighed anymore. I'm still well within what "they" say is healthy, but at a point it just becomes very depressing. 

My momentary disappointment was, of course, replaced by the compulsion to be checked on. It's comforting to pee in the cup and get my stomach measured and get a Doppler. The fear of loss never goes away, and any reassurance is much appreciated. 

It's weird to be to this point. It's more real to picture I'll finally be a parent. Parenthood has been theoretical for so long, and part of me thought it may never actually happen. I hoped it would, and I didn't want to give up. But nothing would work out, and I was just so exhausted.

I can't get over how blessed I am to have this little soul on the way to my world. 

Random Updates

I squeaked by the three hour test. It was pretty miserable about 30 minutes in. I felt like asking them to fail me. The four blood draws in three hours sucked, but it was worse to feel nauseous and icky. I'm just glad I'm not diabetic. I'm being extra mindful of my carbs, though, just incase. 

I'm now nearly 28 weeks, so I'm 2/3 way through. 

I don't have ankles when I don't wear compression socks. And I can't wear compression socks with shorts. So it's going to be a long (or unstylish) summer! I'm not complaining because it's temporary and all worth it. Just a little depressing. 

Failure

I never fail anything, but I FAILED my one hour glucose test.

Well I guess I had a FAILED transfer, too. 

But really. I've never made a C in my whole life. I took finals in high school when I didn't have to, just to raise my grade. I'm an overachiever. I'm not supposed to fail things! 

I'll have the fun experience Monday of fasting, drinking a bigger bottle of flat sprite, and having four blood draws over 3 hours. 

If that doesn't give me enough to fret about I got a letter in the mail this afternoon from my health insurance about high risk pregnancy case management. What? Who said I'm high risk? Do they send these out to every pregnant person? Is it just because I've been in the ER twice while pregnant? Do I have risk factors I'm not aware of?  And why am I opening the letter on a Friday afternoon one minute before they close? Great. Add that to my anxiety pile.