To Come This Far

Most everyone worries during pregnancy, from what I've heard and observed. Nervous for labor pains. Hoping the baby is healthy. A little neurotic with nesting.

I had anxiety to begin with. I always have. A lot of my anxiety revolves around being prepared. I took a two day class, bought three books and a cd, and spent numerous hours making flash cards before my professional licensure test. Vacations can be difficult with me. I want to research and plan for everything. Everyone has a vice- control is mine.

This process to have a child, every step of the way, has challenged me. I have had very little control. I took the medicine and ordered top quality donor sperm. Nope. I perfected a profile book that was literally my heart on paper but it mostly sat at the adoption agency collecting dust. Again and again, doors closed.

This challenged me. And my faith. But I believed the right situation would come.

Finally, a pregnancy. Two great betas. Then an ultrasound with a sac and fetal pole. This was it.

But it slipped through my grasp.

Medical complication after complication for myself and for my husband. Nothing we could do but keep hoping the pain and struggles would come to an end. It was a dark cloud for almost a year.

And pregnancy after loss and fertility treatments and medical complications has not been easy. This trauma programs you to expect more loss. One thought can spiral into certain demise.

The anxiety I have managed for so long became a trap. I went to counseling with a wonderful, skilled therapist. I leaned on my faith. It helped but not enough. I couldn't control the intrusive thoughts, the compulsions to have control, the what-if's, the expecting the worst, the constant researching and obsessing over medical issues.

How could I have come this far, only weeks away from (God willing) holding my son in my arms, and be so paralyzed?

It wasn't a decision I made lightly by any means. The mere anxiety surrounding harming my baby I've worked so hard to bring to the earth was enough to stop me in my tracks.

I came to realize that it wasn't going to get better without trying something else. My biggest priority is the health and wellbeing of my baby, but how healthy was he, really, being flooded with stress hormones?

And how would it be for him to get here and all I am able to do is feed him but obsess was it enough, and lay him to sleep but obsess if he was still breathing? I didn't come this far for that to be my baby's beginning to life. All babies are a miracle, but mine is of course the biggest miracle in my own eyes. There has been trauma with his early days, but he doesn't know that. He doesn't know he had a sister I lost. He doesn't know I had bleeds that made me certain he was dead. All he should know right now is that he is very loved by me, his dad, and our entire circle of family and friends. He deserves that, and so do I.

It was time for me to be ready to fully open my heart to the risks of loving someone. There's no reason for me to expect he will die or I will die (I was to that point, and got a will made in case I did die). All of our lives are but a vapor. I can think of so many instances where God has had His hand on my life. God has done the same, already, for my son. I knew that without a shadow of a doubt, but I couldn't live it no matter how hard I tried, if that makes sense.

So, I started this tiny green pill called Z.oloft. It's typically used for depression but can also help with anxiety. It helps the brain have more steady serotonin supply. Apparently I really was trying all I could, because while the medicine is not a cure... it has markedly improved my anxiety. It takes the edge off. I don't feel as hypervigilant. My pulse doesn't race as bad, and my chest doesn't feel as tight. It's easier for me to use my skills from therapy to help reframe or control my anxiety when my brain isn't a constant barrage of worry.

Anxiety is real. It's not a weakness or something you can snap out of or will yourself not to have or even necessarily something you can pray away (you pray with cancer, but you still take the treatments, right?). Anxiety is a common response to infertility and loss. Reproductive trauma. Trauma changes your brain. Therapy can certainly help, but I can say for me it was not enough on its own. And that's okay. I don't want others to feel alone in their struggles, which is why I share this.

I am so grateful to have the resources to address this on this side of pregnancy. I am hopeful for a safe and beautiful birth and a long, slow, peaceful maternity leave with my little guy. I have fought to see his face. He will be here soon enough, and everything about my life will change. I don't deserve this. I'm so very blessed!

Resolve to Know... You Are Not Alone

 

National Infertility Awareness Week is coming to an end. The theme this year is that, if you are going through infertility, you are not alone. 1 in 8 couples have gone or will go through it. 

My path of infertility is different than the average path. Like I've mentioned here multiple times, I didn't have the month after month of a negative pregnancy test and wondering "what's wrong".  I don't believe that negates my experience, though. I have PCOS and have had limited opportunities to become a parent, all very high stakes emotionally and financially. I sat on the sidelines while dozens of people around me became parents. I've felt the isolation. I've had "the questions and comments", mostly unintentional, but felt the sting nonetheless.

Maybe other than my faith, nothing else in this process has held me up more than the support of people around me. I've chosen to be open with the people in my life about each step, so while I've had times of feeling overwhelmed at the gravity of that fact, I've also been love and supported. I've had cards and flowers and hugs and prayers.

What has really shaped my experience, though, is being apart of a group of people going through exactly what I am, an embryo adoption support group. I have made friends for life. People who can share experiences for such unique challenges like navigating openness and medication protocols and how to tell a child their story and selecting embryos to match with and scary bleeds. People to celebrate victories and truly understand pain of loss. A safe place. An online network to instantaneously connect with "cycle buddies". 

And the great blessing of being apart of a clinic that has transfers lumped together in cycle weeks. I've been able to meet at least ten other couples "in real life". This searing, painful process brings together perfect strangers from across the country to sit at a table, share a meal, and engage in deep and meaningful conversation. You can't explain the instant connection to a stranger unless you experience it. What has torn apart hearts brings hearts together. We get each other!

I've sent cards and leftover pregnancy tests and medication to these friends and rejoiced as they've seen ultrasounds and given birth. I've had a digital pregnancy test sent to me to bring the same joy along with cards and handmade gifts and a shirt to help me embrace my pregnancy and a M.oby wrap so I can get ready for our little one. It's really beautiful to give and receive support.

So if you're feeling alone as you wait to have a family, you're not alone in those feelings! You're not weird and shouldn't feel ashamed for the pain and loneliness and longing. There is hope out there, and you don't have be be by yourself in getting to that place. Open up as you feel comfortable, whether it is to people in your life, to an in-person support group, or even online. It's scary to be so vulnerable, but I have had no regrets. 

In closing, I want to share recent gifts I received from an online friend I've been lucky enough to meet over dinner. She made our baby the sweetest outfits and burp clothes, personalized with his name (his first personalized/monogrammed gifts!) and, of course, a snowflake. We actually "met" twice, both connecting through a Facebook group then in exchanging emails through our adoption agency. She has provided so much wisdom to me and has helped shape our decisions for our son up to this point. I can't wait to see him, put him in his snowflake onesie, and start telling him about his very special journey to get to us! If I had to go down a long path to get to a family, I have to say I am glad it was this one because my heart and life is so very enriched and full!

I Can't Explain

My belly gets a little bigger every day. At first it just looked wider, but now the bump is moving up and is pretty noticeable when I'm not in scrubs. Although, I have to admit that a frequent flier patient at my work asked if I was still exercising and eating healthy, so I guess people who don't know are starting to wonder. I still haven't gained any weight, so I guess it's just my insides getting pushed out.

I had to seek out some maternity underwear due to the aforementioned growth. I was angry, yes angry, that Target didn't have any. I don't want to buy regular a size up. They will roll down in the front and sag in the back, and my current ones leave a line in my belly. What the heck society. Am I the only one who sees this need? 

And that irritation was because I had to, then, go to Motherhood Maternity. I tried their website, but the sizing wasn't clear. I went, and I felt like an imposter there. I'm just as pregnant as any other shopper there, but I felt like I didn't belong, and I rushed in and out. 

It's been about three weeks since my last ultrasound, and by the time we go to the specialty shop to get the big sex reveal on Friday, it will have been almost four weeks. 

I can't explain why I feel the way I do. Other than the night I bled a ton, I never think "what if the baby's heart has stopped?"... Other than when I think about the next ultrasound. My trigger. I start to plan it out in my head. Would the tech notice right away? The baby wouldn't be moving, so I'd notice right away. What would the tech say? Why did I schedule the scan on a Friday afternoon? How will I reach my OB, then? 

These thought are very intrusive. They invade my brain like I imagine a tumor can, weaving in and getting stuck there. 

Why can't I be happy? Why can't I be more excited? I get to see my baby. I will have a video of the movement and lots of new pictures. We can really start planning once we know "boy or girl". But I'm dragging my feet because I don't want bad news. 

I am blessed. God is with me. He has helped me get to this point. I don't understand every "why", but I still trust Him. 

However, those things don't negate my pain and fears. I live in a broken world. Each day is an opportunity to unbury myself and try to heal. 

3.5 years of waiting, the isolation, the home studies, the lost faith in the foster care system, the rejection in adoption situations, the failed IUIs, the failed IVF transfer, the blighted ovum, the miscarriage, the painful realities of medical interventions I fear whether it be the 100s of shots or the two d&c's, the bright red blood at a time you aren't supposed to bleed- it all adds up. It is a heavy weight, much too heavy to dispose of in the amount of time I've had. 

And it will still be there when I deliver. My hope is that it will be much less heavy and won't take away in my ability to enjoy my biggest blessing, this creature I have sought after and fought for. 

Pregnancy is normally a time to get things ready. Thank God we have a nursery already, because it's my heart I need to get ready. 

Shopping Trip

I bought something today for the embryos whom I'll meet not this week but next. Even if the only picture I end up having of them is the one from the day of transfer, it will be put to good use. I'm not a fan of most ultrasound frames that are cheaply made and an explosion of pale pink or baby blue. This one is just right!

And as a side note, while I was perusing H.allmark, I noticed there was not a single adoption, infertility, OR miscarriage card to be found. There were loss of dog and cat, cancer, new home and everything in between (not that those occasions don't call for a card). 

Finally, if anyone is interested in the frame: http://shop.hallmark.com/baby/baby-gifts/already-sweet-sonogram-frame-1FRG7101.html. 

My Story

My poor brain is so sluggish. I have all these thoughts and feelings but it's hard to put them into words.

There are two major reunions/social events coming up within the next two weeks, and I'm not going to either one. I have legitimate reasons why I can't attend. And I would like to be able to go to see some people who would be there.

But part of me is relieved. I honestly do not mind people asking me questions or discussing our situation. I think I'm in a minority with my comfort level of this process. I want to share so other people who may be silently suffering are aware of options. And so no one feels alone. And just because I am pretty excited about this path.

However, I can't stand the unspoken tension of poking questions or looks of pity. Anyone in my social circle "should" have kids by now... or several... or several in late elementary school. And I don't have a child or one on the way or anything. So when you go to these events, it's kinda like a small elephant following you around (maybe I read too much into things).

And while I do enjoy sharing my story, I don't want attention or pity or feeling like I am the trainwreck on someone's Facebook feed. Which is why I shared this blog publicly a few times when I first made it, but I don't put it on my Facebook feed anymore. I feel like if anyone genuinely cares to know what is happening, they follow. I don't just want views when something dramatic happens. My whole heart is all over these posts. I want that reserved for people rooting for me.

I guess all this to say that openness is a fine line. And, this situation is such a lonely place- it's lonely in social settings to not have a picture of my kid or a story to add to the conversation, but it's lonely to be left out of conversations, too.

Maybe one day soon none of this will be a consideration.

Blessings and An Honor

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,

because the Lord has anointed me

to proclaim good news to the poor.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

to proclaim freedom for the captives

and release from darkness for the prisoners

to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor

and the day of vengeance of our God,

to comfort all who mourn,

and provide for those who grieve in Zion—

to bestow on them a crown of beauty

instead of ashes,

the oil of joy

instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise

instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of righteousness,

a planting of the Lord

for the display of his splendor.

They will rebuild the ancient ruins

and restore the places long devastated;

they will renew the ruined cities

that have been devastated for generations.

-Isaiah 61:1-4

I'm still on the brokenhearted side at times, captive to darkness and in mourning. However, I also have blessings in my life that reveal joy, beauty, and praise. I will choose to spend time thanking God for the goodness in my life and the precious blessings I am surrounded by. 

One of the biggest honors I have is being an aunt, both by blood and by friendship. Spontaneous and genuine hugs from chubby arms; holding a warm and peaceful baby; eager goodbye waves from a grinning toddler; a painted butterfly from a preschooler that is on my bulletin board at work; cheering on a lanky boy at a soccer game. 

The kids in my life redeem my emptiness. They can't replace my losses, but they surround me with such wonder, affection, and joy.

"God Won't Give You More Than You Can Handle"

When someone is grieving, it's probably better to reach out even if you're not quite sure what to say (Well, there are some things better left unsaid, like "God needed an angel". But I'll digress..). Yes, it's awkward. It's uncomfortable. But infertility and miscarriage are more lonely than most types of loss. Even a simple "I'm sorry" or a hug or "I'm thinking of you" or a uplifting card can mean a ton.

Not to get on the negativity train, but my Bible doesn't say "God will never give you more than you can handle". No, I am not picking on anyone specific. Thank you to everyone who has loved me through this! I don't want to hurt feelings or put anyone down, I really don't. But this is such a common, trite, (unbiblical) phrase, and I read a really good article about this subject:

Recently, I was going back through my journals and I read words I had written years before: “God, I can’t handle this anymore. I don’t know what to do, but I can’t do this.”

The circumstances in my life had become overwhelming, everything was crumbling, and my world was falling apart.

To be honest, if someone had come alongside me at that point and tried to reassure me by saying, “God won’t give you more than you can handle,” I may have punched them square in the face.

That tired, old phrase often sounds more like a taunt than a comfort. When we are down and out and feeling discouraged, hearing those words can cause us to feel like we are not measuring up. It causes us to ask, “If I am supposed to handle this, then why can’t I handle it?”

The truth is, God never said He wouldn’t give you more than you can handle. There will be times in life when you will feel like you are drowning and there is no one to help you.

The words that are meant for encouragement can often serve to only create discouragement. Worse yet, this phrase can tempt us to ignore our suffering and pretend it’s not there. It can lead us to believe the lie that we can do it ourselves; that we can handle it. Which raises the question, “If we can handle anything that comes our way, then why do we need God at all?”

We need to realize that sometimes we can’t make it on our own.

So, where did the phrase about God not giving us too much come from? To answer that question, we need to go back 2,000 years to a small church in the city of Corinth. The Apostle Paul wrote them a few letters, and in his first letter, he reminded them that all people are tempted and often choose to do the wrong thing. Paul’s warning is tied to the reality of temptation and sin that meets us everyday.
With his warning he also gave a promise. He wrote, “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it” (1 Corinthians 10:13). This is the verse that is so often misquoted.

With regard to temptation and sin, Paul pointed out that we always have a choice: engage in sin or run from it. The promise is that God will always provide a way for us to run from it.

Let’s be clear: Paul was talking about temptation, not suffering.

With temptation, we have a choice, but with suffering we often don’t have a choice.

A few months ago, I sat with a good friend who had just learned of his son’s terminal diagnosis. He wept and said, “I’d do anything to give my life for him.” It was one of the most powerless feelings I have ever experienced. All we could do was sit together and weep.

He did not choose this.

In moments like these we feel ground to dust. Rather than stand and proclaim that we can handle it, we should imitate Jesus.

The night before Jesus was executed, He cried out in the garden, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death” (Matthew 26:38). Jesus told His father, “This is too much for me!”
We see this kind of thing in the Psalms, too. The Psalmists ball their fists in rage, and shout at God, “Why have you forsaken me?” (Psalm 22) In their sadness they say, “darkness is my closest friend” (Psalm 88).

What these verses teach us is that it’s OK to feel like we can’t handle it, like we are going to give up. We can cry out, “My soul is overwhelmed to the point of death.” And when we do this, we find God—the one who, in the person of Jesus, suffers with us.

When we become aware that life will give us more than we can handle, we find a promise: God is faithful to meet us in the mess and in the pain.

When we become aware that life will give us more than we can handle and come to grips with this, we find a promise: God is faithful to meet us in the mess and in the pain.

And when He does, we learn to recognize our constant need to depend on Him. This is why Peter instructs the Church to cast our fears, worries, suffering and pain on God. He reasons we can do this because God cares for us. When life deals us more than we can handle, we can rest in the reality that God can handle it.

But, if we’re honest, even this can seem like a tired old phrase. Because when it really hurts, God can seem so far away. This is where you and I come in. We need each other to move ahead, and we need far more than tired old phrases.

In times when life becomes unmanageable, we need to be willing to walk alongside one another. When we do this, we put flesh and bone on the person of Jesus. We can be with one another in the midst of suffering, helping each other carry the weight. Which means, that we, as the Body of Christ, have an opportunity.

When we are willing to sit in the pain, to walk with one another when life’s path is difficult and to shoulder one another’s burdens when they are too heavy, we become an embodied promise. We become living proof that while life can sometimes be too much, through the goodness of our loving of God displayed within us, we can move forward together (emphasis is mine).

Source: Relevant Magazine  - Michael Hildago

They Get Away With It

I don't understand how insurance companies get away with it. Maybe because there aren't enough people advocating for themselves, so they just do?

 

Men can have viagra and vasectomies on an insurance company's dime, but infertility treatment is a shunned category in the majority of health coverage. I don't see where the functioning of a reproductive system is different than the functioning of a sexual organ, and I don't see where reproductive systems are okay to treat in cases of contraception but not okay to treat in cases of conception (If it matters, I am fully in support of insurance covering contraception, but feel like conception should also be included). 

You Shouldn't Need a Reason for Not Having Kids [repost]

Repost from Thought Catalog by Jamie Berube

"I wore a maxi dress to work today. The frequency in which I wear dresses to work is about once per month. I am more of a jeans and blouse kind of girl. So on the spontaneous day that I wear a dress like I did today, people notice and sometimes talk about it in the same way they might if I showed up with a tattoo on my face. Most days I don’t mind this. Today was not one of those days.

It was mid-morning and I was chatting with a coworker about my decision to go to 7/11 last night for a glazed doughnut (or two) at 11:00 p.m. I ate the doughnuts right before bed (I had had a day, okay?) and this morning when I woke up the first thing I saw was my crumpled up 7/11 doughnut wrapper on my nightstand staring at me, shaming me, and reminding me of my choices from the night before. While I described this narrative to a coworker, we laughed and I put my hand over the middle of my belly and said “oh well, it was worth it.”

A few seconds later I felt a hand on my shoulder from behind. I turned around and there was a middle-aged woman from another department standing there with a big grin on her face.
“What are you hiding under that lovely dress?” she asked. She looked at my coworker and winked. I snickered and replied: ”Doughnuts.”

She didn’t think it was funny.

“Well, that’s not what I was hoping to hear,” she went on to say.

Not again, I thought. It was the hand over the belly. And the dress. Here it comes…

“I was hoping you were showing off a baby bump and you never wear dresses… I got excited,” she explained.

“Haha, sorry, no babies here. Not for a long time. Or ever,” I said, even though my coworker already knew this. She has been asking me about my plans for procreation since I started my job four years ago.

“Well that just makes me sad…” she said solemnly as she walked away.

Right. I forgot. Whether or not I am pregnant should be directly related to how you feel about my being pregnant.

I did not say this out loud. But I should have.

Her sentiments reminded me of something that happened a month ago while at church. An elderly woman with whom I have known for a couple years walked up to me amidst a conversation with a visitor in which I had stated that my husband and I would be celebrating our fifth wedding anniversary this upcoming summer. Upon hearing this comment the woman stated: “Five years already!? Oh honey, you better start popping out your babies now!”

The visitor I was talking to let out a giggle. Before I could say anything the woman continued, “Pretty soon it’ll be too late for you.”

And with that she strutted off to her seat in a pew.

It is time for those who view it as socially appropriate to make comments or jokes about a woman’s plans for child-bearing to understand that it’s not okay. It is also not okay to ask when she’s going to have kids or her reasons why she’s choosing not to. I don’t care who you are — unless you are my husband, doctor, or my best friend of fourteen years, do not ask me or make jokes about my pregnancy status. Or lack thereof. It’s not funny, cute, or kind. In fact, it’s the exact opposite, and depending on whatever my circumstances might be that you likely don’t know about it could be absolutely devastating.

A few months ago I went out with a girlfriend who is consistently one of the most positive and visibly happy people I have ever met. She never seems to have a bad day. I pointed this out to her as a compliment and said I admired her for it. The conversation went deeper and she revealed to me that she’s not always happy, and that her greatest source if sadness comes from not having had kids yet. She explained that she is constantly asked about it and it pains her. She struggles with depression in part because she’s wanted a baby for years but isn’t in a situation conducive to making it happen.
I know another woman who has been married for seven years and trying to get pregnant for six of them. She was told she likely can’t conceive so she has been to infertility treatment clinics for years and had no luck. It crushes her. She never knows what to say when she’s asked about children but confided that the question almost always makes her want to cry.

If someone says they don’t want kids, there is a good chance that there is a reason why that you are not entitled to or need to know. Because that reason is likely not something the woman enjoys discussing.

My husband and I have had the talk and agree that having kids is not a priority for us. Not now, not in six months, and if we so choose, not ever. My plans to give birth to another human life line up perfectly with my plans to work as a back-up dancer for Justin Beiber’s intergalactic tour through outer-space. So as it stands, that equates to never. And you know what? Alongside every other woman who also shares these feelings, we do not need a reason as to why.

Yet all too often, we find ourselves stuttering to justify or explain to other people how we could possibly not want to do the thing you are supposed to do after you get married, that is, make babies, which is a decision that doesn’t fit the favored life script that so many ascribe to and expect of others. Furthermore, when we do try to explain why we don’t want children, it often snowballs into an even more demeaning, presumptuous, and ignorant conversation on behalf of the other person when they say things like “Oh, you’ll change your mind someday,” or, “Sure, you say that now… just you wait a year or two!” But unlike the type of car you drive or whether you wear glasses or contacts or sleep with one partner or five, having kids is not necessarily a choice that you can change your mind about on a whim. Particularly if, like my two girlfriends, it is not a choice you can control.

This should be a no-brainer. But sadly, it’s become a part of the package that is Westernized marriage. If you’re a wife, you’re expected to also be a mother. And if you’re not…well than, what are you doing with a husband and a house and a fresh-out-of-college career if not preparing for your flock of future baby ducklings?

For women, there is hardly anything as inappropriately invasive and ignorant as comments or questions posed to her about her baby-making abilities or parts or plans. Nothing outside of asking her why she isn’t married or why she is overweight, or underweight, or how her menstrual cycle is coming along. I wonder whether people would ever deem it acceptable to ask a woman those intimate and deeply sensitive questions in public. My guess is no.

The reality that such people seem to have failed to recognize or consider is that the process of getting pregnant can be the greatest and most painful source of agony and grief that a woman ever experiences. That’s because she may miscarry — multiple times. And money, an unstable marriage or family, mental or physical illness, lack of support or career decisions could also be factors — the list of reasons goes on.

But the list doesn’t matter. Because the reasons are nobody’s business.

My coworker has no idea whether or not I had a miscarriage last month. She has no clue about the state of my marriage or health or where I am in my life journey. But for women who have dealt with obstacles in conceiving, her comment could have triggered intense sadness and depression and feelings of inadequacy.

Most women understand the intention might be sincere and possibly one of excitement about the possibility of getting to hold your future baby and buy cute clothes and crib accessories for them. But even so, having a baby isn’t about that.

Being a parent is hard. I have incredible amount of respect for parents. I believe the act of child-rearing is among the most honorable and wonderful things someone could choose to dedicate their life to. Parenting requires courage and selflessness and an impossible measure of patience and grace because having a baby is HUGE deal. A lot more so than things like your credit score or sex life or your views on gay marriage. Yet, I doubt a woman from work or church would ask me about those things in public.

My coworker’s comments inspired me to come up with a solution to this problem that works for me and may also work for others who share these sentiments. And the best solution I can think of to get this point across when we are asked about when we will have babies or why we don’t want them is to answer with this simple question: Why do you ask?

If they have the nerve to answer, it’s unlikely the answer has anything to do with the woman who made the choice and is more about them.

Kids are not a foreseeable part of my future. And I don’t need to give anyone a reason why other than because that is a part of what makes me, me. In the same way that motherhood shapes a woman’s identity, so does her choice, involuntary or not, to remain child-free. Period."

Supporting the Waiting Adoptive Family

"Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ. If you think you are too important to help someone, you are only fooling yourself. You are not that important"- Galatians 6:2-3


People come to adoption from different paths and backgrounds. Some families feel a "call" to add to their family through adoption. Others come to adoption after struggling with infertility. Sometimes, the path is a combination of the two. Regardless, adoption is not an easy process. All waiting adoptive families need support and understanding of those around them. 

1. Meet people where they are.
 This probably applies more for families adopting after infertility. Don't shy away from supporting someone who has dealt with infertility, but don't overstep the boundaries they set, either. People have varying amounts of comfort levels of talking about their history and where they are in the process. Don't pry, but if someone confides in you, take their lead in the conversation.

Something anyone can do to help themselves meet people where they are is to educate themselves about infertility. It's a medical condition. It is sometimes caused within the woman's body, or man's body, or both, or can even be unexplained. It shouldn't be embarrassing. 1 in 8 couples experience it.

2. Mind your manners.
I have already talked about some of the rude things people say, but please, whatever you do, do not ask anyone when they are starting a family. It's none of your business, unless they bring it up. The only time you should ask this question is of your own partner. 

Once you've established that boundary, learn some other infertility etiquette. The person in the middle of infertility needs support, not unsolicited advice or trite religious catchphrases.

3. Move!
Any waiting adoptive family goes through emotional and financial pressure. Finding the right agency can be difficult. Homestudies are tedious and time intensive. And the waiting for the child... it's not easy! 

Do something, anything, to support the waiting adoptive family. Whether you pray for them, send a card, give any practical gift to show you care and they aren't alone (flowers, a meal), coordinate a fundraiser. Ask for updates (if they are comfortable), and LISTEN. You don't have to necessarily say a lot (see #2- support is not unsolicited advice or trite religious catchphrases). To me, sharing a burden means saying, "Yes, it sucks what you are going through! I agree with that" vs. saying "It will be worth it in the end".

I have saved all the notes and cards I've gotten during this process (I will put them in a baby book, one day). I appreciate friends, family, and co-workers checking in throughout the process, just to ask if there are any updates (note: that may be too hard for some people to get too many questions- when in doubt, instead of assuming it is too hard and just never asking, just ask how you can best be supportive!). 

I have a whole board on Pinterest devoted to ideas on this topic. 

Thoughtful flowers can be supportive!

Rollarcoaster

Today has been a rollarcoaster. I started the day by heading to the nearest fertility clinic, feeling very optimistic. A 40 minute drive was over an hour in rush hour traffic. An overwhelming sense of dread came as I took the elevator from the parking garage to the clinic. All I associate this office with is disappointment.

It's never fun to get an ultrasound at the fertility clinic. But, how else will they know if the medication is working? The local fertility clinic forwarded my results to NEDC, so I didn't know the official interpretation right away, but I knew the results that my uterine lining was 6.9 mm didn't sound too good. I felt paralyzed on the drive to get my blood drawn and then the drive back to work. I don't understand why this has to be so hard. We just want a child. Just one. We're not picky on gender or how they come to us or what they look like. Is that so much to ask?

There was a problem with my blood draw- I got it done at my employer so it would be covered... but apparently they only do estrogen levels as a send out. I found this out hours after giving the blood, after multiple phone calls to the lab.

By this point, I could've blown a gasket. What will my measurement mean? What will happen now that my bloodwork results will take 2 days instead of 2 hours?? I got a call from NEDC- the estrace worked, but not as well as my doctor would like (wants at least 8 mm). He is confident in the real cycle, he can increase my medication and get a better response. I guess this is why they do "mock" cycles ahead of time.

To add to the highs and lows, I went to pick up my progesterone from the pharmacy, got stuck in the drive through for 45 minutes, and when I finally got to the window, their system was down, so I have to go back in the morning. (Now, I start taking oral progesterone for 5 days along with the estrogen. Then, I will be back to birth control pills til April). 

To keep me busy until then, we are due for our homestudy update (and ASAP, since it needs to be updated before we can be matched with embryos, apparently). So we have the pleasure of filling out more forms and redoing fingerprints, physicals, drug screens, tb skin tests. More errands. More work to prove we deserve to be parents. And, of course, more money.

Clockwise from left: 

I love the interstate to be a parking lot on the way to the doctor.

A trip to the "big city" for my monitoring appointment (view from the parking garage).

Blood tubes- yikes!

My view for 45 minutes. Maybe they can give me the v.alium for the transfer a little early!

Tired

Every day, there's something else to do. Yesterday, it was that I got a letter from my insurance about one of the medications and how I need to switch it to another pharmacy so they'll cover it. Although I don't think the coverage is very much, every bit counts, so I will explore that.

Today, it is that our homestudy with addendum was received by the reviewing agency (yay!), but now there's a big pickle since our homestudy expires right before the transfer. Unless we can get something worked out, this may delay us until July.

Two months isn't a lot in the grand scheme of things, but it is when the process to have a child has drug on so long, and we don't even know if the transfer will work. It is when my career depends on things like making sure I have maternity leave and FMLA. It is when every day is a limbo between a birthmom may pick us and place her child, or may pick us then change her mind, or maybe we will transfer an embryo and it will result in a pregnancy, and maybe we will transfer and it won't. That we can't take a vacation or fix up around our house because we need to save money. That we need to continue saving what we can because if this transfer doesn't work, we will need a plan. That we still don't have a child. That we have an empty nursery and no children to celebrate holidays with and no children to bring to friends' children's birthday parties.

I don't want to have a pity party. I am blessed in so many ways. I trust God knows what is best for us.

But I am tired!

Holidays Can Bring Up Lots of Emotions

Holidays can bring up lots of emotions. Only a lucky few don't have mixed emotions, whether it is missing a loved one who has passed away, there has been a divorce or rift in the family, or our culture's migration of families apart from each other means long travel and not being able to spend as much time as you'd like with loved ones. Here is an excellent article about holiday pain in regards to adoption. Here is one about infertility.

Please spend a minute to pray for birth families who may be missing a loved little one, prospective adoptive families who are waiting for a child, families experiencing infertility, and kids in foster care as well as their biological and foster families. 

Holidays cHolidays are times when families gather to celebrate in traditional ways. Each of these elements of holidays--family, tradition, and recurrence--contributes to the joy. But each can also contribute to stress. In adoptive families, the associations that different family members bring to these elements may create different expectations or more intense feelings.

Our culture has created the expectation of Hallmark holidays. Families are seldom greeting-card perfect, and adoptive families are no different. Yet, during the months and years we waited for our children, the fantasy of our ideal family may have crystallized into a holiday image. I remember one Easter Sunday, a few weeks after my husband and I had filed our application for our first adoption. As we sat at the kitchen table eating breakfast, we watched across the street as a four-year-old girl hunted for colored eggs. All our longing for a child was wrapped up in the joy of seeing a little girl in a ruffled dress and ski parka race around her yard clutching an Easter basket. Is it any wonder that, once we had children, our Easters would include an egg hunt that had never been part of my family tradition or my husband's?

When a ritual carries more meaning for some members of the family than for others, it may cause stress. My husband shared my association between an Easter egg hunt and my dreams of what my family would be like. But what if he hadn't? If he'd made even a casual comment that perhaps the children were getting too old for that sort of thing, it would have struck me as gross insensitivity.

Other aspects of "family" can also cause stress. If extended family members make insensitive remarks about adoption or a child's ethnic or racial group, if they favor the cousins who were born into the family over the ones who were adopted, or if they have little patience for the behaviors of children with special needs-all of these things can cause hurt feelings. Parents don't look forward to spending the holidays biting their tongues, but at the same time, they may not want to disrupt the occasion to deal with the problem either.

For infertile parents, seeing nieces and nephews who look like their parents can trigger feelings of loss they thought they had overcome. For children, the emphasis on being with family members whom they don't see often can remind them that they have a biological family somewhere else. This can be a tremendous loss for children old enough to understand that they have birth relatives, but who have no memory of them. Yet, we hold the hope that the holidays are a time for adopted children to celebrate being part of their new families-not grieve for families they don't remember.

The Impact on Older Children As adopted children reach adolescence, they begin to question what makes them part of a family and sometimes have difficulty believing that they are authentic members of their extended family. Family traditions that are distinctly ethnic may be problematic for the adoptee who does not share her adoptive family's heritage. For example, non-Jewish children adopted into Jewish families may question whether their own religious identity is valid.

Children adopted at an older age may have memories of holidays with birthfamilies, or traditions that aren't practiced in their adoptive homes. And they may have unrealistic expectations that they will hear from their biological relatives at holiday time. Holidays are usually times of indulgence for children, so they may be disappointed if all their wishes don't come true.
Some families find that holidays are stressful because it is difficult to make arrangements to spend time with all the grandparents, aunts, and uncles. Open adoptions add more layers of family; more relationships to negotiate; more expectations to satisfy.

A Time of Mixed Emotions Because the holidays are idealized as times of joyful celebration, people can be surprised that they feel sad, or unsupported if they express that grief. Parents may come home from a family gathering reluctant to admit feelings of loss at not having a child who looks like they do. Children may take to heart the admonition You'd better not pout, better not cry, believing Santa Claus will not come to their house if they are sad.

Claudia Jewett Jarrett, author of Helping Children Cope with Separation and Loss, says the emphasis on "being good" at Christmas can stir up children who believe they were placed for adoption because they were bad. In the book How It Feels to Be Adopted, author Jill Krementz quoted one boy who thought if he was bad he would get coal in his stocking and be sent back to his birthparents.

Children who were removed from their biological families due to abuse, neglect, or substance abuse may associate the holidays with traumatic times. Rather than approaching them with a sense of joyful anticipation, these children may unconsciously associate holidays with disappointment or violence.

How to Minimize Holiday Stress

Acknowledge that holidays can bring up a variety of feelings. Take the opportunity to talk with your children about them. Use stories, like Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer, to discuss how people sometimes feel they don't belong because they don't look like those around them.

Let go of any expectations that your family needs to experience holidays in a certain unvarying way to be a real family. You may find it works better for your family to rendezvous with a few relatives at a ski resort and save the big family gatherings for less emotionally charged holidays, such as the Fourth of July.

Admit that holidays don't have to be "perfect." All the food that grandma used to make might not get made-but you can still have a meaningful celebration. Talk openly with your children about expectations you have for the holidays and how you may change them or let some go. Tell them you feel sad about some of them not being realized. Be sure to take ownership of those feelings so that your kids don't feel they have to make up for what you're missing. The point is to model the reality that holidays sometimes don't live up to our expectations and that we own the expectation.

Sustain a relationship with your child's birthfamily in an open adoption all year long so that the relationship doesn't depend entirely on the holidays. With open communication all year long, and opportunities for contact throughout the year, there may be more flexibility during the holidays.

Examine the patterns of your holidays. Rather than repeating those patterns each year and hoping for a different outcome, change the patterns. Develop rituals and traditions to fit your family, even if they may be different from the rituals and traditions you had growing up or those you imagined your family would have.

Recognize that the human experience brings sadness as well as joy. Children could not experience the benefits of adoptive families without the loss of the birthfamily. Often, adoptive parents would not experience the joy of family without the pain of infertility. Holidays are not failures if they bring both sadness and joy. The abundance and joy of the first Thanksgiving would not have happened had there not been near starvation the previous year. The deliverance of Hanukkah would not have happened without there first being death. A Redeemer's birth would not be celebrated had there not been human failings.

Lois Melina, author of the highly regarded books Raising Adopted Children and Making Sense of Adoption has published Adopted Child newsletter since 1981. Melina's newsletter has gained an international reputation as a trusted resource for adoptive parents. We are pleased that Adopted Child is published exclusively in Adopted Families. © 2001 Copyright Adoptive Families Magazine.  - See more at: http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=26#sthash.OF5rdhNM.dpuf

Holidays are times when families gather to celebrate in traditional ways. Each of these elements of holidays--family, tradition, and recurrence--contributes to the joy. But each can also contribute to stress. In adoptive families, the associations that different family members bring to these elements may create different expectations or more intense feelings.

Our culture has created the expectation of Hallmark holidays. Families are seldom greeting-card perfect, and adoptive families are no different. Yet, during the months and years we waited for our children, the fantasy of our ideal family may have crystallized into a holiday image. I remember one Easter Sunday, a few weeks after my husband and I had filed our application for our first adoption. As we sat at the kitchen table eating breakfast, we watched across the street as a four-year-old girl hunted for colored eggs. All our longing for a child was wrapped up in the joy of seeing a little girl in a ruffled dress and ski parka race around her yard clutching an Easter basket. Is it any wonder that, once we had children, our Easters would include an egg hunt that had never been part of my family tradition or my husband's?

When a ritual carries more meaning for some members of the family than for others, it may cause stress. My husband shared my association between an Easter egg hunt and my dreams of what my family would be like. But what if he hadn't? If he'd made even a casual comment that perhaps the children were getting too old for that sort of thing, it would have struck me as gross insensitivity.

Other aspects of "family" can also cause stress. If extended family members make insensitive remarks about adoption or a child's ethnic or racial group, if they favor the cousins who were born into the family over the ones who were adopted, or if they have little patience for the behaviors of children with special needs-all of these things can cause hurt feelings. Parents don't look forward to spending the holidays biting their tongues, but at the same time, they may not want to disrupt the occasion to deal with the problem either.

For infertile parents, seeing nieces and nephews who look like their parents can trigger feelings of loss they thought they had overcome. For children, the emphasis on being with family members whom they don't see often can remind them that they have a biological family somewhere else. This can be a tremendous loss for children old enough to understand that they have birth relatives, but who have no memory of them. Yet, we hold the hope that the holidays are a time for adopted children to celebrate being part of their new families-not grieve for families they don't remember.

The Impact on Older Children As adopted children reach adolescence, they begin to question what makes them part of a family and sometimes have difficulty believing that they are authentic members of their extended family. Family traditions that are distinctly ethnic may be problematic for the adoptee who does not share her adoptive family's heritage. For example, non-Jewish children adopted into Jewish families may question whether their own religious identity is valid.

Children adopted at an older age may have memories of holidays with birthfamilies, or traditions that aren't practiced in their adoptive homes. And they may have unrealistic expectations that they will hear from their biological relatives at holiday time. Holidays are usually times of indulgence for children, so they may be disappointed if all their wishes don't come true.
Some families find that holidays are stressful because it is difficult to make arrangements to spend time with all the grandparents, aunts, and uncles. Open adoptions add more layers of family; more relationships to negotiate; more expectations to satisfy.

A Time of Mixed Emotions Because the holidays are idealized as times of joyful celebration, people can be surprised that they feel sad, or unsupported if they express that grief. Parents may come home from a family gathering reluctant to admit feelings of loss at not having a child who looks like they do. Children may take to heart the admonition You'd better not pout, better not cry, believing Santa Claus will not come to their house if they are sad.

Claudia Jewett Jarrett, author of Helping Children Cope with Separation and Loss, says the emphasis on "being good" at Christmas can stir up children who believe they were placed for adoption because they were bad. In the book How It Feels to Be Adopted, author Jill Krementz quoted one boy who thought if he was bad he would get coal in his stocking and be sent back to his birthparents.

Children who were removed from their biological families due to abuse, neglect, or substance abuse may associate the holidays with traumatic times. Rather than approaching them with a sense of joyful anticipation, these children may unconsciously associate holidays with disappointment or violence.

How to Minimize Holiday Stress

Acknowledge that holidays can bring up a variety of feelings. Take the opportunity to talk with your children about them. Use stories, like Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer, to discuss how people sometimes feel they don't belong because they don't look like those around them.

Let go of any expectations that your family needs to experience holidays in a certain unvarying way to be a real family. You may find it works better for your family to rendezvous with a few relatives at a ski resort and save the big family gatherings for less emotionally charged holidays, such as the Fourth of July.

Admit that holidays don't have to be "perfect." All the food that grandma used to make might not get made-but you can still have a meaningful celebration. Talk openly with your children about expectations you have for the holidays and how you may change them or let some go. Tell them you feel sad about some of them not being realized. Be sure to take ownership of those feelings so that your kids don't feel they have to make up for what you're missing. The point is to model the reality that holidays sometimes don't live up to our expectations and that we own the expectation.

Sustain a relationship with your child's birthfamily in an open adoption all year long so that the relationship doesn't depend entirely on the holidays. With open communication all year long, and opportunities for contact throughout the year, there may be more flexibility during the holidays.

Examine the patterns of your holidays. Rather than repeating those patterns each year and hoping for a different outcome, change the patterns. Develop rituals and traditions to fit your family, even if they may be different from the rituals and traditions you had growing up or those you imagined your family would have.

Recognize that the human experience brings sadness as well as joy. Children could not experience the benefits of adoptive families without the loss of the birthfamily. Often, adoptive parents would not experience the joy of family without the pain of infertility. Holidays are not failures if they bring both sadness and joy. The abundance and joy of the first Thanksgiving would not have happened had there not been near starvation the previous year. The deliverance of Hanukkah would not have happened without there first being death. A Redeemer's birth would not be celebrated had there not been human failings.

Lois Melina, author of the highly regarded books Raising Adopted Children and Making Sense of Adoption has published Adopted Child newsletter since 1981. Melina's newsletter has gained an international reputation as a trusted resource for adoptive parents. We are pleased that Adopted Child is published exclusively in Adopted Families. © 2001 Copyright Adoptive Families Magazine.  - See more at: http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=26#sthash.OF5rdhNM.dpuf

Holidays are times when families gather to celebrate in traditional ways. Each of these elements of holidays--family, tradition, and recurrence--contributes to the joy. But each can also contribute to stress. In adoptive families, the associations that different family members bring to these elements may create different expectations or more intense feelings.

Our culture has created the expectation of Hallmark holidays. Families are seldom greeting-card perfect, and adoptive families are no different. Yet, during the months and years we waited for our children, the fantasy of our ideal family may have crystallized into a holiday image. I remember one Easter Sunday, a few weeks after my husband and I had filed our application for our first adoption. As we sat at the kitchen table eating breakfast, we watched across the street as a four-year-old girl hunted for colored eggs. All our longing for a child was wrapped up in the joy of seeing a little girl in a ruffled dress and ski parka race around her yard clutching an Easter basket. Is it any wonder that, once we had children, our Easters would include an egg hunt that had never been part of my family tradition or my husband's?

When a ritual carries more meaning for some members of the family than for others, it may cause stress. My husband shared my association between an Easter egg hunt and my dreams of what my family would be like. But what if he hadn't? If he'd made even a casual comment that perhaps the children were getting too old for that sort of thing, it would have struck me as gross insensitivity.

Other aspects of "family" can also cause stress. If extended family members make insensitive remarks about adoption or a child's ethnic or racial group, if they favor the cousins who were born into the family over the ones who were adopted, or if they have little patience for the behaviors of children with special needs-all of these things can cause hurt feelings. Parents don't look forward to spending the holidays biting their tongues, but at the same time, they may not want to disrupt the occasion to deal with the problem either.

For infertile parents, seeing nieces and nephews who look like their parents can trigger feelings of loss they thought they had overcome. For children, the emphasis on being with family members whom they don't see often can remind them that they have a biological family somewhere else. This can be a tremendous loss for children old enough to understand that they have birth relatives, but who have no memory of them. Yet, we hold the hope that the holidays are a time for adopted children to celebrate being part of their new families-not grieve for families they don't remember.

The Impact on Older Children As adopted children reach adolescence, they begin to question what makes them part of a family and sometimes have difficulty believing that they are authentic members of their extended family. Family traditions that are distinctly ethnic may be problematic for the adoptee who does not share her adoptive family's heritage. For example, non-Jewish children adopted into Jewish families may question whether their own religious identity is valid.

Children adopted at an older age may have memories of holidays with birthfamilies, or traditions that aren't practiced in their adoptive homes. And they may have unrealistic expectations that they will hear from their biological relatives at holiday time. Holidays are usually times of indulgence for children, so they may be disappointed if all their wishes don't come true.
Some families find that holidays are stressful because it is difficult to make arrangements to spend time with all the grandparents, aunts, and uncles. Open adoptions add more layers of family; more relationships to negotiate; more expectations to satisfy.

A Time of Mixed Emotions Because the holidays are idealized as times of joyful celebration, people can be surprised that they feel sad, or unsupported if they express that grief. Parents may come home from a family gathering reluctant to admit feelings of loss at not having a child who looks like they do. Children may take to heart the admonition You'd better not pout, better not cry, believing Santa Claus will not come to their house if they are sad.

Claudia Jewett Jarrett, author of Helping Children Cope with Separation and Loss, says the emphasis on "being good" at Christmas can stir up children who believe they were placed for adoption because they were bad. In the book How It Feels to Be Adopted, author Jill Krementz quoted one boy who thought if he was bad he would get coal in his stocking and be sent back to his birthparents.

Children who were removed from their biological families due to abuse, neglect, or substance abuse may associate the holidays with traumatic times. Rather than approaching them with a sense of joyful anticipation, these children may unconsciously associate holidays with disappointment or violence.

How to Minimize Holiday Stress

Acknowledge that holidays can bring up a variety of feelings. Take the opportunity to talk with your children about them. Use stories, like Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer, to discuss how people sometimes feel they don't belong because they don't look like those around them.

Let go of any expectations that your family needs to experience holidays in a certain unvarying way to be a real family. You may find it works better for your family to rendezvous with a few relatives at a ski resort and save the big family gatherings for less emotionally charged holidays, such as the Fourth of July.

Admit that holidays don't have to be "perfect." All the food that grandma used to make might not get made-but you can still have a meaningful celebration. Talk openly with your children about expectations you have for the holidays and how you may change them or let some go. Tell them you feel sad about some of them not being realized. Be sure to take ownership of those feelings so that your kids don't feel they have to make up for what you're missing. The point is to model the reality that holidays sometimes don't live up to our expectations and that we own the expectation.

Sustain a relationship with your child's birthfamily in an open adoption all year long so that the relationship doesn't depend entirely on the holidays. With open communication all year long, and opportunities for contact throughout the year, there may be more flexibility during the holidays.

Examine the patterns of your holidays. Rather than repeating those patterns each year and hoping for a different outcome, change the patterns. Develop rituals and traditions to fit your family, even if they may be different from the rituals and traditions you had growing up or those you imagined your family would have.

Recognize that the human experience brings sadness as well as joy. Children could not experience the benefits of adoptive families without the loss of the birthfamily. Often, adoptive parents would not experience the joy of family without the pain of infertility. Holidays are not failures if they bring both sadness and joy. The abundance and joy of the first Thanksgiving would not have happened had there not been near starvation the previous year. The deliverance of Hanukkah would not have happened without there first being death. A Redeemer's birth would not be celebrated had there not been human failings.

Lois Melina, author of the highly regarded books Raising Adopted Children and Making Sense of Adoption has published Adopted Child newsletter since 1981. Melina's newsletter has gained an international reputation as a trusted resource for adoptive parents. We are pleased that Adopted Child is published exclusively in Adopted Families. © 2001 Copyright Adoptive Families Magazine.  - See more at: http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=26#sthash.OF5rdhNM.dpuf

Stupid Things People Say...

I have always heard of people being told to "just relax" or "go on vacation" to get pregnant, but no one has said that to me... until today. Somehow, I wonder how those things would get me pregnant. Should I relax on a fertility center's table in say, Hawaii or Florida, while they implant donor sperm embryos in me??

People, learn when to keep your trap shut. Don't ask people when they are starting a family. It's none of your business and may be out of their control anyway. And please don't give "tips". I shouldn't have to explain that my husband had a vasectomy because he has an inheritable genetic disease that we didn't want to pass on, unless I want to bring it up.

Yes, I have a blog documenting our process, and yes I believe for me it is important to be open because so many people live in shame, isolation, or secrecy when they should not have to. However, sensitive information should be my prerogative to share, not something I am pressured to say when people have no manners.

6 Months of Waiting

Another month has passed with absolutely nothing happening with our profile. Our book is still sitting very lonesomely at our agency. We've been waiting exactly six months since our homestudy was approved. It's been two years since we began the journey to be parents (5 months with the fertility center, 2 months of transition, 8 months in foster care, and 10 months with our current agency).

This month has been discouraging in many ways. Our agency has made so few placements this year and has added so many families that it would take 4 years for just the current waiting families to each receive one placement (For comparison, I think around this time last year when we were researching agencies, the wait was about 2 years based on the number of waiting families and average placements they had been doing).

Things weren't totally still this month, though. We did get a homestudy addendum... or partially, anyway. Our agency added some new situations we are open to, but they left out some situations we were originally open to, and they checked off the box that said we are certified for international adoption. So, the hopefully correct addendum part two should be mailed soon.

This month, I applied for two adoption grants. We should know if we receive them by January. We also canceled our gym membership and switched from cable tv to satellite tv (these two changes will save us about $1,500 over the next 12 months). We are trying to do all that's in our power to be completely prepared when a situation does present itself.

On another positive note, even though waiting is hard and making decisions when there are thousands of paths is exhausting, life is still wonderful. This is my favorite time of the year... and I've indulged in two bonfires, a Halloween costume party, and doing some photography for a dear friend in beautiful fall scenery. I still need to get to Dairy Queen before the end of the month for my beloved Pumpkin Pie blizzard!

4 Months of Waiting

In my opinion, infertility breeds self-centeredness. Part of the grief is asking "Why me?", and it is easy to get fixated on that. I don't blame anyone in that spot for having that reaction, but it can be very exhausting.

I enjoy different perspectives. My career requires empathy, so it is something I practice regularly and probably already have a predisposition to. I had the pleasure of meeting Jody Cantrell Dyer, author of "The Eye of Adoption" (which happens to be an interesting, funny, and easy read!) In her discussions of her book, she addressed birthparent grief in a way I hadn't exactly thought of. Yes, I already believed it is with great grief (and determination and love) a birthparent makes an adoption plan. I can only imagine the gut wrenching tears when looking at profile books or giving birth or going home empty handed.

Jody talked about the open adoption of her son and her relationship with the birthmother. In the book Jody shares a letter she (Jody) wrote to the unborn child during the adoption process. In part:
          "Maybe God is letting me suffer so I will be able to empathize with your birthmother".

In the discussion, she expanded on concept. A prospective adoptive parent may have mixed emotions when seeing pregnant folks or going to showers or being asked questions about the process. However, it is a hidden pain for the most part. No one wears a sign that says "I can't have a baby, and now I have to wait to adopt". Ones close to the prospective adoptive parents may know the struggles, but is not on display.

A prospective birth parent (or expectant parent) probably has those same emotions when seeing pregnant folks or going to showers; for them, this is a constant reminder of their pain, as it is for a prospective adoptive parent. However, as their stomach grows, they have constant questions. "When are you due? What are you having?" Constant reminders of what could be but realistically can't be what they wish it to be. Many people, both loved ones and strangers, judge birth parents. "How can you just "give them away"? If you really loved them, you would make it work!"

I can't imagine that seething judgement. That is much worse than my pain. I am empty handed right now, but in the end, eventually, I will have a child to love and parent and watch grow. I can cook them breakfast every morning and kiss them goodnight every evening. A birthmother will have pictures or letters or occasional visits. That idea is not lost on me.

Waiting is hard, but I will try to learn what I can. If a greater empathy is one thing I can take away, I want to accept that. I pray for our future child's birthmother (and birth family). Wherever they are, and whatever part of the process they are in now, I want them to have comfort and peace.