I enjoy different perspectives. My career requires empathy, so it is something I practice regularly and probably already have a predisposition to. I had the pleasure of meeting Jody Cantrell Dyer, author of "The Eye of Adoption" (which happens to be an interesting, funny, and easy read!) In her discussions of her book, she addressed birthparent grief in a way I hadn't exactly thought of. Yes, I already believed it is with great grief (and determination and love) a birthparent makes an adoption plan. I can only imagine the gut wrenching tears when looking at profile books or giving birth or going home empty handed.
Jody talked about the open adoption of her son and her relationship with the birthmother. In the book Jody shares a letter she (Jody) wrote to the unborn child during the adoption process. In part:
"Maybe God is letting me suffer so I will be able to empathize with your birthmother".
In the discussion, she expanded on concept. A prospective adoptive parent may have mixed emotions when seeing pregnant folks or going to showers or being asked questions about the process. However, it is a hidden pain for the most part. No one wears a sign that says "I can't have a baby, and now I have to wait to adopt". Ones close to the prospective adoptive parents may know the struggles, but is not on display.
A prospective birth parent (or expectant parent) probably has those same emotions when seeing pregnant folks or going to showers; for them, this is a constant reminder of their pain, as it is for a prospective adoptive parent. However, as their stomach grows, they have constant questions. "When are you due? What are you having?" Constant reminders of what could be but realistically can't be what they wish it to be. Many people, both loved ones and strangers, judge birth parents. "How can you just "give them away"? If you really loved them, you would make it work!"
I can't imagine that seething judgement. That is much worse than my pain. I am empty handed right now, but in the end, eventually, I will have a child to love and parent and watch grow. I can cook them breakfast every morning and kiss them goodnight every evening. A birthmother will have pictures or letters or occasional visits. That idea is not lost on me.
Waiting is hard, but I will try to learn what I can. If a greater empathy is one thing I can take away, I want to accept that. I pray for our future child's birthmother (and birth family). Wherever they are, and whatever part of the process they are in now, I want them to have comfort and peace.
