Stay With Me

The beta just about doubled in 48 hours. 345. Technically it has up to 72 hours to double, so I was happy to hear that number.

This pregnancy race has crossed three hurdles: positive test, positive beta, doubled beta. The next hurdle will be an ultrasound in about two weeks. We should be able to see heartbeat(s) then and know if we have one or two in there.

I still have queasiness and light cramps that wax and wane, growing fatigue, and some food aversions (I normally survive on grilled chicken... just about the only meat I ever eat... and the thought of it makes me want to vomit... suddenly it seems so slimy and icky).

But, I am very happy to feel under the weather. I am blessed.

When I sought parenthood, it seemed like I could never be "lucky". It seemed like everyone around me was able to have kids, and nothing would work out for me. I felt entitled to be a parent. Why not me?

Now, I have guilt that friends I have made on this journey are still waiting. Waiting for a positive IVF cycle, waiting for a positive embryo adoption cycle, waiting to be chosen by a birthmom. Why are they left behind? Why did this work (so far) for us? I am not sure I deserve such a gift.

A rollarcoaster is really the best analogy for this journey. Steep inclines, fear, the out of control feelings, ups and downs, twists and turns, those moments of thinking, "Why did I get on this ride??", not knowing when it will come to an end. 

My mind is blown every time I think about this. The baby(ies) is/are tiny specks of cells but they are growing more every day. They have all the DNA to determine what they will look like and who they will become (in part with their environment, of course). They were lovingly created in a lab, were frozen for over 7 years, were shipped to my clinic, and suddenly they became ours.

I hope they stay with us.

Pinching Myself

I almost have to pinch myself.

I'm pregnant!!

My hcg was 176, which is on the high side for this point in the embryo's(s') development. The more important thing than a good number is that it doubles within two days.

It almost feels harder to wait two days to see it double than it did to wait 12 days for the first test.

My friend said, "Every wait is harder than the last - try to focus on the joy if each day and that today you are pregnant!!!"

I am trying to take the advice to heart.

I think I accomplished that during the 12 day wait with the embryos. The whole time, I imagined they were doing well and were happy. 

I want to be able to continue doing that so worry doesn't rob my joy. 

I am still cautious. I still want to get past milestones.

But I am starting to feel happy. 

We celebrated tonight with the same place we mourned last time... Chuy's (it didn't taste near as good with intermittent nausea and no margarita, though).  

I'm not superstitious. We already have a 80% full nursery due to being a waiting family for foster care and for domestic infant adoption. Having the nursery has never made me sad.

So I bought a few more baby things to add to the collection. 

352 is sought after number. 

About 42 hours til I know more about our embryos and how they're growing.

A Second Line Changes Everything

My bloodwork tomorrow will be a little anticlimactic. I've been in shock for two days.

I took a test Friday morning, and got a second line. I've never seen a second line. Instead of staring at a stark, white area next to the control line, a light pink line showed up.

What in the heck?!?

Tests yesterday and today showed the same second line, a little darker each day.

This might really be real.

I hoped this would happen, but part of me never expected it would, hence the shock.

I looked at the first test at least 20 times to make sure I didn't imagine it. 

Today the shock has been replaced by nervous excitement.

We hope to see a beta tomorrow of at least 100, if not more, and hope that doubles by by second bloodwork Wednesday.

Even if we have two strong betas tomorrow and Wednesday, there's still about a 20% chance of miscarriage before our first ultrasound around 6 weeks (in about 2 weeks). At 6 weeks, if there's a heartbeat that chance drops to 10%. The chance drops to less than 1% by 9 weeks.

Obviously, anything can happen after those marks. As anything can happen during pregnancy or childbirth or a child's life. There are no guarantees in life; our lives are but a vapor.

There's an 90% chance of having a baby if we can get through these betas and the first ultrasound. That's how I'm choosing to look at it. 

From deep in the recesses of my heart (from youth group circa 2002), the verse Psalm 46:1, "God is [my] refuge and [my] strength" has repeatedly calmed my spirit.

I have prayed if I were to become pregnant, that I would have symptoms to confirm to help ease my mind. I have had queasiness on and off since Wednesday (two days before the positive test). Not much food sounds good, and I can't eat too much. I feel pretty run down and tired, too. 

God willing, we will have a baby or babies in early April!

Praise God from Whom ALL blessings flow! 


[This should go without saying, but if you know me in real life, please do not put anything on Facebook].

Find You On My Knees

After writing the last post, I heard this song, then saw this sky.


But I will find you in the place I'm in, find you when I'm at my end,
Find you when there's nothing left of me to offer you except for brokenness.
You lift me up, you'll never leave me thirsty,
When I am weak, when I am lost and searching
I'll find you on my knees.

Walking a Line

I walk a delicate line.

Between what could be and what might not.

Between what I hope and dream and what may be inevitable.

Between making plans for being a parent and making plans for still trying to become a parent.

Between life and death of a life.

I'm so heartbroken. My friend who has walked this road side by side with me since April found out today their second transfer didn't work.

Why?

I don't understand.

Her embryos thawed in a dish beside mine.

Now, just like that, they're gone. Her embryos are gone and her dreams are gone. 

Will ours live, or will they die, too?

Family Night

The two embryos (with the qualifier "if they are still in there") have continued to have a fun time. I'm sure no one is interested in a play by play, but since I use this blog for my own memory... they helped lead group therapy on collage day, they drank hot cocoa in July (important when your building's AC is cranked up), they took a walk at the park, they learned the value of a dime in thrift store-ing. Unbeknownst to us, tonight was "Family Night" at my favorite local burrito place (same place from this past post), so I think they enjoyed that, too. Maybe next time they will be big enough to enjoy a balloon animal?

I wish I had more exciting things to report. Still tired. Still a little sore from the shots. Still tired of waiting to find out the results, but even more nervous to hear.

I got so tickled today... a coworker today asked what the "turn around" on the transfer was... which had me rolling. This whole thing is really pretty unchartered territory (at least in my social circle). I'm so very glad for family, friends, and co-workers who are there. I am glad I am not alone in this (at times torturous) wait!

Collage in honor of this time in my life

Embyros' Grams doesn't leave them out when it comes to homemade jam!

Weekend in the Life of an Embryo

If one or both embryos are still in there (fingers crossed), they had a fun weekend. They napped, read books, folded laundry, met more extended family, had their first Sunday School and church service, painted pottery, and went to a baby shower. They had a fairly similar run as their siblings in May.

I am 5dp3dt (5 days past 3 day transfer). I feel less tired than last time (maybe my body is finally used to the very high levels of synthetic hormones). I feel crampy but last time it was more sharp and this time it is more dull. I have no clue what that means. My PIO areas on my hips were really tight and full of small knots which made for painful standing, walking, laying down, and sitting down on most chairs. I massaged them with my hand instead of the tennis ball I've been using and that seemed to help because they're much better this morning.

I feel less anxious about the results this time. Not because I'm not dying to know (I am!), but I am not dying to have another negative result. So I would rather hang out in the wait then get more bad news. I won't let my mind flesh out possibilities if this does or does not result in a pregnancy... for now I will just continue to hope and pray it works and try to focus on loving the embryos since they are with me now to the best of my knowledge.

I will include an old and well known hymn that I enjoyed singing yesterday in worship. In my life and experience, all blessings flow from God. Praise be to God for blessing us with our embryos, regardless of what happens (that doesn't roll easily off the tongue... or my fingers, in this case).
Praise God, from Whom all blessings flow;
Praise Him, all creatures here below;
Praise Him above, ye heavenly host;
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.

Desperation

Please, oh please, oh please let this work.

I don't want to lose more embryos. It hurts more than I ever imagined it would to know we've already lost 5. Yes, they are microscopic cells. But they are the smallest of lives, complete with hair color, eye color, gender, likes and dislikes. They are tiny babies that a couple lovingly and painstakingly brought into this world. They are tiny lives that were sacrificially gifted to us.

I look into the eyes of the pictures we have our our donors' two kids. Our embryos' genetic siblings. Our embryos could be them. A blonde haired little girl, a sweet toddler taking swim lessons, signed up for her first year of soccer. A cuddly baby boy with wispy hair, the kind of boy you could scoop right up.

Every part of our lives have been about our embryos. Our time, our finances, our commitment, my body.

These embryos are created in God's image (Genesis 1:27). God knew them before they were even formed (Jeremiah 1:5). He is the Creator who forms them and knits them together. They are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139). 

There are so many reasons I want this to work.

Like Hannah, I am praying as deeply as I know how. Hannah prayed ("In her deep anguish Hannah prayed to the Lord, weeping bitterly"): "Lord Almighty, if you will only look on your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life". Once Samuel was born, Hannah acknowledged, "I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him" (1 Samuel).

I know God sees the big picture, He loves me, He is good. I know He gives and takes away. I know waiting helps to develop trust in Him. With that context, I beg him not to forget my family.

Please, oh please, oh please let this work.

My Love

 

I wanted you more

than you ever will know

so I sent love to follow

wherever you go.

It's high as you wish it. It's quick as an elf.

You'll never outgrow it...it stretches itself!

So climb any mountain...

climb up to the sky!

My love will find you.

My love can fly!

Make a big splash!  Go out on a limb!

My love will find you.  My love can swim!

It never gets lost, never fades, never ends...

if you're working...

or playing...

or sitting with friends.

You can dance 'til you're dizzy...

paint 'til you're blue...

There's no place, not one, 

that my love can't find you.

And if someday you're lonely, 

or someday you're sad, 

or you strike out at baseball, 

or think you've been bad...

just lift up your face, feel the wind in your hair.

That's me, my sweet baby, my love is right there.

In the green of the grass...in the smell of the sea...

in the clouds floating by...at the top of a tree...

in the sound crickets make at the end of the day...

"You are loved.  You are loved.  You are loved," they all say.

My love is so high, and so wide and 

so deep, it's always right there, even 

when you're asleep.

So hold your head high

and don't be afraid

to march to the front

of your own parade.

If you're still my small babe

or you're all the way grown,

my promise to you

is you're never alone.  

You are my angel, my darling, 

my star...and my love will find you, 

wherever you are.

You are loved.  

~ Nancy Tillman; "Wherever You Are My Love Will Find You"

Day in the Life of an Embryo: Days 2 & 3

Time is going by pretty quickly since the transfer. We checked out of the hotel and headed home on Thursday, after spending some time visiting thrift shops and an outlet mall near the clinic. I spoke too soon about the shots not bothering me because I'm starting to get pretty sore on both sides. I don't have any big knots or bruising (yet) but it hurts mostly when I walk or sit in an uncomfortable chair (all the chairs at work).

I returned to work today after two days off. It's good to work only one day before going into the weekend. After this weekend, I will work a 12 day stretch which should keep me busy while I wait to find out the beta results.

Things the embryos have done: see the Smokey Mountains, go shopping, eat out, meet some of their extended family as well as our two cats, read their first couple of books, rest on the couch, and put in their first day of work. Not terribly exciting but not too shabby either.

I hope at least one is still in there multiplying. It has been about 2 1/2 days since our transfer, so by now they should definitely be blasts (embryos with a big bundle of cells, over 100). They may be almost ready to hatch out of their shell (they have had assisted hatching, which is, from my understanding, where the embryologist pokes a hole in the shell to make it easier for them to get out since freezing them at an early stage can harden their shells... totally non scientific explanation). This weekend they could begin the implantation process.

I hope they are still growing. I hope they know for whatever time they are with us, they are loved by many people (us, family, and friends). A lot of people are cheering them on and praying for them.

What embryos may look like today

A blast on the tip of a needle: what embryos may look like today

 

 

Embryo in the eye of a needle, for size comparison

Transfer Day Details, Part II

Like May, we traveled to Knoxville on Tuesday night. To kill time, I had the idea to count the out of state license plates we saw. It sparked several serious discussion, such as what the abbreviation for Maine is... took us both a couple of minutes to come to the conclusion it is ME. Upon arriving, we ate at N.ewk's then shopped at T.arget. Yes, T.arget is my happy place. I forgot my hair straightener at home so we had to spring for a new C.hi (darn...).

We headed to the same hotel (third time since January) to check in. Once I started unpacking, I realized I did pack my C.hi afterall. Oops. I decided to keep the new one since the old one is about 7 years old. D feels like it is a likely story that I "forgot" I packed it. Once we unpacked, I started feeling a lot more nervous and tense than last time. I was prepared for an anxious night.

Luckily, D ran into my friend/her husband whom we met last transfer, and we ended up heading to their hotel room to hang out (just a couple doors down!). It is amazing the connection you can have with someone who is a perfect stranger (other than meeting online and lots of private messaging). She and her husband know better than anyone else in our lives how we are feeling and what we are going through. It was truly a blessing to talk and laugh for hours, and it really took my mind off my worries.

We had breakfast at the hotel with our friends, as well as another sweet couple I met online. Before I knew it, it was time to start the fluids and take the pre-procedure meds. I kept it to about 40 ounces this time (vs. 50+ ounces last time). Ten fewer ounces made all the difference, not to mention when we arrived at the clinic and signed in, we were called back within 5 minutes.

Woah!

Mornings are apparently the golden times to come for a transfer! Dr. Keenan and Carol came to our curtained suite before too long to let us know the outcome of our embryos. Like I mentioned yesterday, one 2PN died in thawing and the two multicells survived and have "good quality".

I never even had to empty my bladder, although it was on the full side. Victory!

The transfer went more smoothly and quickly than last time. I felt much more comfortable and peaceful in the transfer room, despite being inverted and having basically a deluxe pap smear. The solution still stung but felt like a cake walk compared to the uterine biopsy. Before I knew it, I heard Carol say no embryos were left in the catheter (she checks it under her microscope). I slid less whalelishly than last time onto the gurney and headed back to recovery.

I knew the v.alium was really kicking in because my blood pressure went down 30 points between before and after the transfer. My mind was foggy and I remember telling the IVF nurse how glad I was that she was there (she's new) and how it must NOT be a difficult job. My mind just wasn't flowing right!

I apologize to the embryos that their first meal was an egg white Mc.Muffin from Mc.Donalds. I am NOT a Mc.Donalds fan but I was hungry and delirious on the way back to the hotel, and it just seemed right at the time.

I fell asleep almost immediately after getting back to the room. Deep, drooling onto the pillow type of sleep. Text message missing sleep. Sleep with the golden sunshine flowing through the large window and not even noticing. I woke up about three hours later, still feeling foggy but more rested.

Our clinic recommends rest the day of transfer but doesn't require actual bedrest. There's apparently a polar vortex that's brought the most gorgeous weather ever to TN, so we decided to venture out from the hotel. We ate a late lunch outdoors in the gorgeous sun with a light breeze. Next was movie time- the theatre here is awesome- so big, comfy chairs, and prices several dollars cheaper than our theatre at home.

I don't feel anything yet, other than some mild cramping and fatigue. I am definitely doing better on the PIO, because I'm minimally sore. I am happy to have finally met our embryos. For now, we are a family of four (with five in heaven).

Ready for Transfer #2!

The transfer... dark area is bladder, greyish oval under is uterus, white lines below + are where embryos went.

Top: Target trip Bottom: Dinner Tuesday and Lunch Wednesday

Embryos on Board, Part II

Two embryos were transferred. One passed away in thawing. This rounds out the embryos from Family A. Both of the transferred embryos were healthy. Embryo on the top was greater than 8 cells, compacting, and rated 1 (highest). The little one on the bottom was 8 cells and rated 2 (second highest). Here's the picture from my last transfer to see how the embryos compare.

More to come later. I am still pretty groggy from the v.alium and probably from lack of sleep from having a get-together with a fellow adoptive embryo mom and her husband until the wee hours of the night. :) Please pray for our two embryos as well as both ladies I know who had transfers yesterday and today (2 embryos each for them, as well).

A Different Kind of Hope

This time tomorrow, I will be filling up my bladder and taking my v.alium, ibuprofen, and a.lbuterol in preparation for my second transfer.

I'm nervous.

I'm hopeful.

I'm less nervous about the transfer itself. I'm a pro at shots and know what to expect once I get to the clinic.

I'm more nervous about what I will do if this time doesn't work.

Going into it, I really did expect last time would "work".

I'm more hopeful than I was before everything was squared away with our second match.

But this current hope is a different kind of hope than before my first transfer.

Last time, I had a giddy, excited hope.

I bought enough alcohol pads and bandaids to last for a trimester. I wasn't sure I'd need them, but I sure I hoped so.

This time, I'm more jaded, and my hope is more a type of desperation.

"Yeah, you'd need plenty of alcohol pads and bandaids all right... for a second transfer". And it turns out I'm allergic to those dumb clear bandaids, anyway, so I ended up getting rid of them and buying even more bandaids. Only two boxes this time, instead of four.

Bandaids are a dumb thing to fixate on. But they are a tangible reminder of what my hope looked like then and what it looks like now.

I think u.rban dictionary defines it the best... "jaded: The end result of having a steady flow of negative experiences, disappointment, and unfulfillment fed into a person where they get to the point where their anger circuits just sort of burn out and they accept disillusionment".

It's possible to still hold onto a deep hope in this moment. My foundation is in my faith. That sounds trite, but it's so true.

I hold on to hope that there is a bigger purpose and that something will work out soon.

Oh please, let tomorrow be the start of a new chapter.

Happy Thaw Day Little Embryos, Part II

Today's the day that our embryos will begin thawing for transfer #2 (see transfer 1's thaw day post).

Several people have asked me, "So how many are you transferring?" That's a complex question with an uncertain answer.  

We currently have five embryos: a 2PN (1 day old) and 2 multicells (3 days old) with Family A and 2 multicells with Family C.

The lone 2PN will be thawed today. If he/she survives the thaw, growth will continue til Wednesday to hopefully get the embryo to at least 8 cells (currently 2). I am most nervous for this embryo because last time, of the 3 2PNs thawed, only 1 made it. Our clinic has the highest success rate for this stage of embryo to survive a thaw (80%+); we brought the statistic down (33%).

The two Family A multicells will be thawed tomorrow or Wednesday morning. I thought multicells were thawed day of transfer but last time the multicell we transferred was thawed the day before transfer.

If all three of Family A's embryos survive the thaw, they will be transferred together. If two survive the thaw, they will, likewise, be transferred together.

If only one of Family A's embryos survive the thaw, Family C's embryos will both both thawed. Whoever survives that thaw will be transferred together, thus potential "mixing".

Possible Scenarios:
Three from Family A survive the thaw: we transfer 3
Two from Family A survive the thaw: we transfer 2
One from Family A survives the thaw along with two from Family C: we transfer 3 and get DNA testing at birth
One from Family A survives the thaw along with one from Family C: we transfer 2 and get DNA testing at birth
Only one embryo survives the thaw: we transfer 1
None survive the thaw: They have us transfer anonymous embryos that don't require matching; not likely

We originally did not want to consider transferring three at once. In fact, I was nervous about transferring two when we were originally making our decision. However, the way our embryos are divided and stored, we feel like this is the best option. We don't want to leave the Family A set with one lone embryo, so that opens up the potential for a transfer of three. Family C's embryos will be thawed if there is only one left from Family A, leaving us with another set of three. We wouldn't want to leave the Family C set with only one; not to mention those two are packaged together, so they have to be thawed together.

Who thinks about this stuff when they try to have children? It's crazy.

Ultimately, we trust that what should happen will work out. We trust our doctor's advice. He is pretty conservative in a lot of areas, and although number of embryos transferred isn't one of them, I think that's because this clinic transfers ANY viable embryos no matter the quality (eg: our two cell 3 day old embryo that was lagging way behind) whereas many clinics let poor quality embryos die or refreeze them to sit in a perpetual frozen state.

If I had to make a guess, I say two from Family A survive the thaw and we transfer two.... but I never thought we'd have two embryos die in thawing last time, either, so anything can happen!

Five More Shots Til We Meet

PIO to scale

All my supplies are ready!

My good friend, progesterone in oil (PIO), is back! The first shot is done and out of the way. The most difficult part was re-drawing the areas on my rear end/hip with a sharpie. The left side was tricky; when I moved to the right I noticed a faint bruise still left over from May, so that one was a little easier to discern.

I feel excited doing PIO this time (no more "Psycho" music in my head) because I know I am only days away from meeting our embryos. The possibilities become a little more real. Five more shots separate me from them, and from then on out, they will be with me for the shots.

Yikes, Stripes, Fruit Stripe Gum

After yesterday's scare, I have been researching linings, because googling is the proper response to just about any perplexing situation.

A couple people I "know" online have had successful pregnancies with linings on the thin side. One friend said the doctor told her it was more about having a triple stripe than necessarily how thick the lining itself is.

That set me out on a journey- just what is a triple stripe? What other kinds of stripes can you have?

I found that the stripe is really not a "stripe" at all but is an illusion of a stripe on an ultrasound (see below for my ultrasound from yesterday- look at the area sectioned off by the turquoise lines). A triple stripe (or trilaminar endometrium) occurs when lining edges touch to form what looks like a "stripe" on an ultrasound.

One thing I read online compared this to lips- you can have thin lips that touch or thick lips that don't touch.

I like visualizations, so I started thinking of a familiar visualization... peanut butter toast. Everyone wasn't raised on peanut butter quite like I was, but it's the first thing I thought of.


Meet uterus. It doesn't always have much of a lining, depending on the "season". It is mainly comprised of a muscular tissue called myometrium (the toast, in my illustration).

Sometimes uterus grows a lining (see peanut butter).The body should do this when it is taking hormones like e.strace. Sometimes the lining is thin...

... and sometimes thin linings touch, forming a "triple stripe"... 1) bread, 2) peanut butter, 3)bread... said triple stripe.

Sometimes people are lucky, and the lining is thick. 

Somestimes the lining doesn't touch. There is no triple stripe effect. This is called a homogeneous lining.

Of course, both thick and thin lining can form a triple stripe, and both can form a homogeneous lining, too. 

I am including a detailed diagram for the possibly one other person reading who may be interested in how this actually goes down. 

And now that we've had a biology lesson, let's switch to math. 

What does all this mean for a transfer? Does thickness matter? What about the triple stripe?

Research shows a correlation (not necessarily causation) between lining and successful implantation.  One study I read said a linings at the thin end of the spectrum (6 mm or less) had a 29.4% pregnancy rate whereas linings at the thicker end of the spectrum (up to 17 mm) had a 44.4% pregnancy rate (although it should be noted many studies believe anything thicker than 14 mm may cause problems). Another study "found that live birth rates were 1.9 times lower in women with endometrial thickness of 7-8 mm compared to women with thickness of 9-14 mm, after adjusting for confounding variables" (Source). "The endometrial pattern has been correlated with IVF success rates, with a trilaminar pattern shown to be more favorable than a homogenous luteal pattern" (Source). One study found "a positive relationship between a trilaminar endometrial morphologic pattern with a positive pregnancy test result, successful implantation, and ongoing pregnancy" (Source). 

So it looks like there is a wide range of healthy linings. Thin linings still produce pregnancies, just at lower rates. A triple stripe is ideal, too. 

To end today's lecture, I will leave you with a video that's the first thing that pops in my head when I think about stripes...

Link for mobile readers- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rSTGOyDFPrU&feature=kp

Will 6.8 Be Enough...

It's that anticipated (and dreaded) day... lining check!

I heard the vice president would be in town, so I had no clue how traffic would be. I left with plenty of spare time, just in case.

On the way, I realized I forgot to bring a bottle of water. Part of my anxiety at appointments is the blood draw (I have overcome gigantic shots but I still don't like seeing a needle stuck in my vein... creepy). I always drink a bottle on the way to plump up my veins and help the phlebotomist find them easily.

I stopped at a gas station for some hydration, because I just can't have anyone digging around in my arm this morning.

The guy ringing me up said, "That will be $1.06, unless you just want to spend more!" (Companies hate people like me that put a dollar on their debit card).

All I could do was chuckle when I really wanted to say, "No thanks, I am getting ready to go pay my doctor's BMW payment for the month. I don't need more than this dollar water, buddy!"

I arrived to the clinic in record time since there was, for once, not a single accident, person pulled over on the interstate, or raindrop.

While waiting at the clinic, I didn't feel as nervous as I did last time.

I didn't feel any nerves, really, until I saw that my favorite, ever efficient phlebotomist had the day off and it was someone totally unfamiliar taking my blood. She wrote the paperwork more slowly (she must not do this often... does she know what she's doing??), she had me squeeze the stress ball more, she wiped the site with alcohol more slowly and dried it off (not one swift swipe like my favorite lady)... I tried to avoid a panic. Luckily she got the vein the first time, although I will take ever efficient lady ANY day!

Now it was ultrasound time. I settled in for a nice, relaxing ultrasound (yeah right!) and immediately became scared. The ultrasound tech was so quiet and going more slowly than usual (you have to understand, this is a big clinic in a fairly big city, so she measures oodles of uteruses every day... she is efficient, too!). Then she asked me to hold my breath (be more still?).

I popped my head up. "What is it? Is something wrong? Is it 8??"

She printed the pictures and shook her head. "No, it is only about 6.8". She encouraged me to take a picture of the screen to email to my clinic since faxes distort the image and she wanted my physician to have a clear view of my thin (but triple striped) uterus.

Discouragement washed over me.

What if my transfer is cancelled? Why can't my body just do what it is supposed to do? And why can't I catch a break? Why can't something just work already?

Back in my car, I briefly cried into a Sonic napkin from my glovebox and did what I knew would help me feel better... stop at the local Krispy Kreme and get a hot, fresh box of donuts to bring to my coworkers. I don't even like donuts, but I like making people happy, and Podunk, TN doesn't have a Krispy Kreme so gotta take advantage of Big City while I am here.

I carried in said donuts, much to the delight of my coworkers. Then, the rest of the morning crept by to afternoon. Afternoon drug on. It took every ounce I had to focus on my work.

Finally, I heard the results from the nurse... lining 6.8 mm (yep), estrogen at 1,746 (147 higher than last time), and Dr. K is comfortable with proceeding with transfer (apparently likes it 8+ but will proceed with 7 and there's no reason it won't increase .2 by next week).

Whew. That was a close call. 

I also got my transfer time, which is morning this time, rather than afternoon. That means I will probably get to sleep a whole day away this time, rather than half (v.alium made me exhausted!). 

Please say a prayer that my lining continues to build. Pray that the embryos will thaw successfully on Monday and Tuesday, respectively (our embryos are two different stages). Pray for the doctor, nurses, and embryologist who are getting ready for a mass influx of ladies as desperate as me for this to work. Pray for my two cycle friends who also have transfers next week (one is a new friend, and one is a friend I met last time who also had a failed transfer). Pray for our two sweet donor families- one certain our embryos will be transferred (should they survive) and one uncertain if the "back-up" embryos they gifted us will be used or not.

Big gas station splurges on the way to the RE

What a triple stripe 6.8mm uterus looks like... just waiting for some embryos!

Old Journals

 If you can get past the trailing "s's" that look like "g's"... enjoy two ten year old excerpts from an old journal of mine. This is from my last major crisis of faith- high school graduation/college/career. 



The Lord will perfect that which concerns me;
Your mercy, O Lord, endures forever;
Do not forsake the works of Your hands.
-Psalm 138:8
 
‘Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know.’
-Jeremiah 33:3

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
-Philippians 4:6-8

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. 
-Romans 8:28

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him.  
-James 1:5

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will guide you with My eye.
-Psalm 32:8

Being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ.
-Philippians 1:6 

 

Under the Weather

After having a cold in May just prior to last transfer that was still lingering for several days after the transfer,  I got worried that the inflammation and constant hacking could have affected the results.

Since then, I've been worried about becoming sick again this time.

D had a cold about two weeks ago. I quarantined myself and avoided it. A close call!

Then, I started feeling weak last night. This morning, I woke up to a sore throat and full, achy ears.

I'm hoping it's just allergies. I'm slipping in and out of b.enadryl unconsciousness and resting it off.

A run down immune system which would normally be no big deal in a typical circumstance becomes a threat when I'm one week out from hopefully transferring embryos.

The physical toll of a transfer is compounded by the mental toll. To feel, simultaneously, that I need to do everything within my control to give us the best chance of this working but to acknowledge that some parts are out of my control is difficult.

I want to have peace knowing I did the best I could without becoming neurotic.

It's a fine line to walk that you couldn't imagine unless you have been here.

Jogging My Memory

Today was my second day of thrice daily e.strace. I knew it would be tricky to remember it mid-day once I was into my work flow. As I suspected, I was perplexed to hear unusual music coming from my phone at 2 PM.

"Oh yeah, my pill".

I got it out and sat it on my desk til my fax went through and I could grab a drink. Then, I got interrupted and walked to another unit. When I made my way back to my desk about 2:40 PM, it was sitting neatly on my desk.

Oops!

I subsequently set up a back up alarm since time slips away from me and since even when I am prompted, apparently I still have trouble remembering!

Three more days til my ultrasound and bloodwork!

He Who Is Able

Sheep Introduction Party

I love cotton candy sunsets!

View from my front yard <3

It's sad that the weekend has come to an end. I worked the 4th (hospitals don't shut down on holidays, and while I don't get any holiday compensation, I will be able to take a day off with pay when we go to Knoxville as a comp for working the 4th, so it worked out). That evening, we went to a cookout with family which was a relaxing and fun evening.

Saturday, we went to a local flea market with family, and that evening I took profile pictures for friends with our DIA agency who are still waiting for a placement. Say a prayer for good updates soon for them- they just updated their homestudy for a second time (so going on year 3 of waiting!).

Today, we had church then went to a sheep introduction party hosted by my parents. Yep, you read that right. It might be the first sheep introduction party of the history of time. It mostly involved sitting on the porch enjoying the relatively cool breezy day and eating dessert (homemade ice cream & blueberry peach cobbler). And meeting Clover, Lottie, and Moonbeam- the 3 newest members of my extended family. The only downside to the event was getting eaten alive by chiggers. If that's the worst that happened this weekend, I'll take it!

Tonight I did my last dose of l.upron for this cycle. I am now taking 3 estrogen pills a day. I feel exhausted and swollen, like I figured I would. I'm getting really nervous about my lining check on Friday. What if it isn't thick enough? What if our transfer is postponed until September? It can become paralyzing.

But, there is absolutely nothing more I can be doing than what I am. I have to trust that God knows what is best and what I desire. I trust in my doctor and the medication but only because I believe God can use them. I know it is all ultimately up to Him.

1 In times of trouble, may the Lord answer your cry.
    May the name of the God of Jacob keep you safe from all harm.
² May he send you help from his sanctuary
    and strengthen you from Jerusalem.
³ May he remember all your gifts
    and look favorably on your burnt offerings. Interlude

⁴ May he grant your heart’s desires
    and make all your plans succeed.
⁵ May we shout for joy when we hear of your victory
    and raise a victory banner in the name of our God.
May the Lord answer all your prayers.

⁶ Now I know that the Lord rescues his anointed king.
    He will answer him from his holy heaven
    and rescue him by his great power.
⁷ Some nations boast of their chariots and horses,
    but we boast in the name of the Lord our God.
⁸ Those nations will fall down and collapse,
    but we will rise up and stand firm.

⁹ Give victory to our king, O Lord!
    Answer our cry for help.

-Psalm 20 

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.- Ephesians 3:20

 

Raspberries, anyone...

Eating half a container of raspberries is definitely not the worst part of my protocol. They're delicious! But, it can get monotonous eating plain raspberries by the handful.

So, here are some ways I have incorporated them into my diet:
-My personal favorite, a yogurt parfait (including plain yogurt and a sprinkling of granola)
-My runner up, on peanut butter toast (with wheat bread and, obviously, peanut butter)
-Mixed into hot oatmeal
-In a smoothie (include yogurt, frozen fruit, and even a splash of POM)

Happy 4th, IVF Style

Just a note...

4th of July week becomes a dicey time to buy fresh raspberries (assumed due to the plethora of festive treats involving the red berries?).

 

 

I bought the last of them at the grocery store. Whew, close call.  

Happy 4th of July, everyone!

Signs

Signs.

I don't know how to feel about them.

On the way to work, I saw a hitchhiker with sign strapped to his backpack, "Knoxville" in dark, bold print.

At first, I thought it might be a "sign" that since I saw this on the two week mark prior to going to Knoxville to transfer embryos, maybe that is could be a good omen.

Then I remembered my track record with signs.

Maybe it is a bad sign. He's in a rough spot, after all. He's still traveling. I don't want to keep traveling.

Or maybe it is random and means nothing at all.

You could drive yourself crazy with this stuff.

I also saw a pretty sky. The way the clouds parted and the sun shone out, it almost looked like two angel wings and a glowing face.

Work with me. I know the picture doesn't do it justice. It was the moment of stepping out of my car into the balmy air with a slight breeze and being enamored by the beauty and serenity of it. 

All that to say, maybe I see signs because I still have hope. I won't place my hope in the signs, but I must notice them because I believe there is still a chance something positive can happen.