Moment When

That moment when... you realize your baby is already bigger than the i.Phone 6 in your hand and may nearly quadruple before it's all said and done. People have been doing this for generations. It will all be fine... right?

Why Me,Part 2

Yeah, it may be a little spring-ish for a late summer newborn, but I think this one may be baby's take home outfit. xoxo

I don't take any milestone or step on this journey for granted. My excitement might not be very evident to the outsider eye, but my heart has the deepest gratitude I could imagine. I don't think I love my baby any more than any other mom, but the love I have is certainly different. It's raw. It stops me in my tracks. I'm still in shock. I feel undeserving. A hole in my heart is being patched up and filled. 

Some days I question, "Why me?"  And not the question I've asked out of hurt. Not the why can't I have one single child. The same question asked in a new way. Why has my prayer been answered? There are many others still waiting on their child. Several people I hold very closely to me. It hurts me to know they can't fulfill their longing. 

It pains me to be on either side of this journey. 

Tonight

A long day of busy and stress.

A container of Graeters and the Bachelor via H.ulu. 

A relaxing night. 

Poor baby boy would probably rather be anywhere but the couch partaking in my idea of comfort.

Our little 'cado

He's growing! How someone so little can take up so much room I have no clue. I go tomorrow for a 17 week check up. I'm sure they will  have me schedule our anatomy scan. Cue floods of anxiety! 

Uncle Sam and Embryo Adoption

In case anyone doing embryo adoption (or any other medical treatment) is interested, I wanted to share our experience of itemizing for our taxes. I am NOT by any means a professional, but maybe this can point you in the right direction. 

-We used Turbo.Tax, as we always do. No problems. We did pay $45 for audit protection since we've never itemized before, just incase. The program did speculate that we have a low chance of being audited. 

-Our standard deduction was around $12.5k (married filing jointly). To claim medical, our total deductions (for us things like mortgage and student loan interest, in addition to medical) had to be more than that. We could claim any medical over 10% of our AGI. Once we added up all our medical and subtracted 10% of AGI, we had around $16k. So, it was worth it for us. 

-We tracked medical expenses on a spreadsheet by date and included date, provider name, which one of us it was for, amount, and mileage to appointment (if applicable). As it turns out, Turbo Tax asks for it by category (facility, provider, pharmacy, lab, etc), so we had to divide the spreadsheet up by category. 

-We were not able to claim premiums paid on insurance since our coverage is employer based. My understanding is if you have a private policy, you may be able to. 

-We were able to claim hotels for transfer trips (IRS limited to $50/night) as well as food when we were out of town. 

-We wanted proof of payment in case of audit. For our major services we had throughout the year, we called providers and asked for statements of 2014. It was surprisingly easy. W.algreens required us to show ID and come in person. Everyone else faxed or mailed with minimum hassle. 

-We did not claim anything adoption related such as homestudy or ODAs (open donor agreement). There were random things we found we could claim such as pregnancy tests.

16 Weeks Check In

Just a little check in...

To answer my most frequently asked question of late, no, we don't have a name yet. We didn't think too hard about names until we found out what we were having (why agonize over two names when we will probably never need one of them?)... now it's just hard finding the right name that goes well with our last name, is easy to spell, is gender specific, translates well to adulthood, and is not common but not weird in a small Southern town. Suggestions welcome! :)

Rant- I've gotten multiple times that since we're having a boy, maybe next time we will have a girl. Ahhh. Although we have two embryos left, at this point it's pretty unlikely in my mind that we will be the ones to transfer them for a multitude of reasons. Our family can be complete with one child, I think, and without a girl if that's how it pans out. And besides, we already had a girl. She just didn't make it to the earth. Of course, we reserve the right to change our minds (and we are paying to store the embryos until after the birth and can fully decide)... it's just frustrating to hear this comment.  

Well, it's been 8 weeks since I did one of these, so I guess it's time to give an update on all my ailments- haha!

Baby's size: Avocado

Total weight gain: Last week I was one pound below pre-estrace weight. If I had to guess, I've gained at least a pound or two this week. I feel huge!

Sleep: Tired earlier in the evening and waking up early- hello 5 AM.

Best moment of last week: Seeing our baby on the ultrasound and finding out we are having a boy! And giving the news to our family.

Miss anything: Being able to wear normal scrubs, being able to exercise (I say it loosely- walking on my lunch break and doing pilates at home)

Food cravings: Pizza, any fruit, coffee cake, cinnamon rolls, an ice cold Diet Dr Pepper in a 20 oz bottle (haven't had any since before the transfer but I keep thinking about it- the sound of the lid coming off, the mist coming up from the bottle, the burning and sweetness on my tongue....)

Anything that makes you sick or queasy: As long as I eat pretty regularly, I feel okay. I haven't ventured back to chicken yet but thought today that Z.axby's sounded kind of good- too bad they were closed due to weather, so I couldn't test out my thoughts. I still can't drink carbonation, and I am hesitant around fried foods (my heartburn is totally gone since I stopped the progesterone, but it's in the head).

Looking forward to: Going to the doctor next week- I never knew I would be excited about the doctor! I just want to make sure everything is okay. I know he is growing and I don't have any more bleeding (knock on ten piles of wood). But I don't know that my thyroid, blood pressure, blood sugars, cervix length, and a multitude of other stressors are what they should be. I'm constantly on edge.

The internet says: He is 4.5 inches (feels way bigger) and is getting hair, lashes, and taste buds. He also may be able to start hearing the world around him soon, too.

Other milestones: I haven't thrown up in about 2 weeks! Wohoo!!! I've cleaned a bunch of junk out of the nursery- we've had it set up for over 2 years since we were doing foster care and had accumulated way too much stuff. And, I got back into some counseling to help with my anxiety. Anxiety isn't the enemy. It is my body protecting itself (physically and emotionally). I knew my emotions had been through the ringer but really hadn't stopped to think just all my body has been though in less than a year- all the medication and hormones and appointments and transfers and pregnancy and surgeries. I know most of my anxiety stems from some of the traumatic things that have happened a long the way, so luckily I am finding a healthy and effective way to process them.

Wildest Dreams

Now that we found out we're having a boy, we know we have very little to buy. We have a mostly full nursery anyway, and plenty of hand me down clothes from boys born the same season. 

I got a couple new things since C.arters was having a great sale including a cheerful crab bib for a trip we have planned for the beach when little man will be a couple of months old. 

No pun intended, I could pinch myself. It still feels like a dream. 

We will bring a baby home in August, unforeseen circumstances aside. There will be no revoking parental right documents, no reunification plan, and hopefully no painful genetic conditions to be passed on. This will be our baby. He won't be leaving. He will be the greatest gift ever. We didn't know he or his genetic family existed last year. He was in a vial with his siblings at a clinic in Knoxville. Now he's moving all over in my stomach and ready to be apart of our family. In my wildest dreams I never thought this would happen. 

The Stork Is Bringing...

We went Friday for an ultrasound. A little OJ to wake up baby, and dinner afterwards. 

We are having a boy!! He looked great on the ultrasound. He wasn't too into pictures but did wave a few times. His heartbeat remained strong. 

We shared the news with our family through a brunch yesterday- Valentine's Day. <3

I Can't Explain

My belly gets a little bigger every day. At first it just looked wider, but now the bump is moving up and is pretty noticeable when I'm not in scrubs. Although, I have to admit that a frequent flier patient at my work asked if I was still exercising and eating healthy, so I guess people who don't know are starting to wonder. I still haven't gained any weight, so I guess it's just my insides getting pushed out.

I had to seek out some maternity underwear due to the aforementioned growth. I was angry, yes angry, that Target didn't have any. I don't want to buy regular a size up. They will roll down in the front and sag in the back, and my current ones leave a line in my belly. What the heck society. Am I the only one who sees this need? 

And that irritation was because I had to, then, go to Motherhood Maternity. I tried their website, but the sizing wasn't clear. I went, and I felt like an imposter there. I'm just as pregnant as any other shopper there, but I felt like I didn't belong, and I rushed in and out. 

It's been about three weeks since my last ultrasound, and by the time we go to the specialty shop to get the big sex reveal on Friday, it will have been almost four weeks. 

I can't explain why I feel the way I do. Other than the night I bled a ton, I never think "what if the baby's heart has stopped?"... Other than when I think about the next ultrasound. My trigger. I start to plan it out in my head. Would the tech notice right away? The baby wouldn't be moving, so I'd notice right away. What would the tech say? Why did I schedule the scan on a Friday afternoon? How will I reach my OB, then? 

These thought are very intrusive. They invade my brain like I imagine a tumor can, weaving in and getting stuck there. 

Why can't I be happy? Why can't I be more excited? I get to see my baby. I will have a video of the movement and lots of new pictures. We can really start planning once we know "boy or girl". But I'm dragging my feet because I don't want bad news. 

I am blessed. God is with me. He has helped me get to this point. I don't understand every "why", but I still trust Him. 

However, those things don't negate my pain and fears. I live in a broken world. Each day is an opportunity to unbury myself and try to heal. 

3.5 years of waiting, the isolation, the home studies, the lost faith in the foster care system, the rejection in adoption situations, the failed IUIs, the failed IVF transfer, the blighted ovum, the miscarriage, the painful realities of medical interventions I fear whether it be the 100s of shots or the two d&c's, the bright red blood at a time you aren't supposed to bleed- it all adds up. It is a heavy weight, much too heavy to dispose of in the amount of time I've had. 

And it will still be there when I deliver. My hope is that it will be much less heavy and won't take away in my ability to enjoy my biggest blessing, this creature I have sought after and fought for. 

Pregnancy is normally a time to get things ready. Thank God we have a nursery already, because it's my heart I need to get ready. 

My Days

Everyone says the second trimester brings big changes, and I'll agree. I still have queasiness issues, gagging, and occasional throwing up, but my aversions and all day nausea if I don't eat every few hours has faded. I'm still tired, but I'm not a complete zombie by 5:30 PM.

I thought it was too soon to be getting maternity scrubs, but my normally loose, stretchy pants are getting tight. I asked the girl at the store when people normally bought them, and she was kind to say the lady she helped the other day was 3 months. So I don't feel as bad. I'm glad I went when I did because they were out of my size and it takes 1.5 weeks for them to come in. At the rate I'm going I will be desperate for a larger size by then. :) 

8 more days til we find out if we're having a boy or girl. Things will get more real, I think. 

I'm working through my anxiety. It's been a struggle in the past few weeks. I think for so many weeks I was in survival mode, just trying to survive shots and ultrasounds and holding my breath til I saw a heartbeat each time. It's caught up with me now. The bleed has pushed me to my limits and the incident last week brought me back to the place of wondering if I would ever be a parent. 

Fear, doubt, and guilt grip me. I've already had anxiety and panic attacks in the past that I've been able to manage for the most part, but I'm getting some direction now.