I was cautiously optimistic.
We got to the clinic early, and we were the first ones to go back for ultrasound.
The tech scanned and scanned.
"There is no fetal heart motion today. I'm so sorry".
She asked if I wanted to see the monitor. I did. So she angled the screen back. She showed me how the part that is the baby was still so tiny and there appeared to be a second sac within the gestational sac. That wasn't normal.
We stayed in the ultrasound room until an exam room opened so we could talk to a doctor.
It seemed to take forever. Finally, a doctor came in and said the same thing as the tech. The baby is only 7mm. It grew .5mm or less in a week. He thought what appeared to be a second sac may actually be where the baby and yolk sac are separating from the uterus already.
He offered the same as the first doctor who gave us bad news, "expectant management" (stop progesterone since the injections would cause my body to continue to hold the dead baby... then wait for bleeding) or a d&c. Luckily (?), I already had plenty of time to think about this, and I knew I had to have a d&c for my own sanity.
He said they could schedule me sometime next week.
"I'm sorry, I cannot wait that long. Is there anything tomorrow"? In 19 days, I have gone from scary bleeding to finding out there were twins- one died and one looked healthy to finding out there was no hope for the healthy one to finding out the healthy one was growing and did finally get a heartbeat to finding out the heartbeat stopped and the baby was already dead.
We sat quietly in that room for at least 45 minutes so they could schedule me. I went through half a box of kleenex, and I am glad they spring for the soft kind.
The scheduler tiptoed in. Tomorrow at 2:30 PM. Be there at 12:30 PM.
I let work know I'd be gone a couple of days. I called HR to discuss the procedure since insurance frowns on you having anything done at an out of network facility. I had a call from the surgery center to discuss my health history. I spoke with the nurse who said Dr. K was out of the office but that she would call him. I spoke with the nurse again who said Dr. K was fine with me having a d&c if that's what I wanted. I had a call from the RE's office saying the doctor had to move the time therefore the location and time was changing. Procedure at 8:30 AM. Be there at 5:30 AM.
Everything was a sad blur.
To be continued....
Sunday, August 31, 2014
Saturday, August 30, 2014
What Never Will
There won't be a baby coming in April.
I will never know how this baby looked or what he or she would have been like.
For 45 days, we were together.
And just like that, the baby is gone.
My baby is gone.
Thursday, August 28, 2014
An Untold Story
Formed September 2007
Adopted April 2014
Transferred July 16, 2014
Lost to Heaven August 28, 2014 at 8 weeks, 4 days
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
In His Arms
Our baby has had so many prayers in it's short life, from the time he or she was a three day, 8 celled embryo to now.
"Search for the Lord and for his strength; continually seek him".-1 Chronicles 16:11
Praying tomorrow brings an appointment where we see a baby who is growing well and has a strong heartbeat.
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Chicken Tenders & My Baby
I struggle with intrusive thoughts on a regular, non hormonal basis.
Which is disturbing when they combine with overwhelming pregnancy food aversions.
Currently, I struggle with eating almost any grilled chicken (exceptions are well cooked strips or shreds- must be very dry and preferably in a soup or sandwich so I don't feel the chicken texture when I take a bite).
For some reason today, I got Zaxby's chicken strips in my head about 10 AM. No clue why. No prompting. They were just there, all of a sudden.
All day, it keeps popping in my head. I shudder at the greasy, flavorless coating and the slimy chicken finger piece. Ew.
The picture won't get out of my head, and it makes me gag.
The baby has to be okay, right?
Which is disturbing when they combine with overwhelming pregnancy food aversions.
Currently, I struggle with eating almost any grilled chicken (exceptions are well cooked strips or shreds- must be very dry and preferably in a soup or sandwich so I don't feel the chicken texture when I take a bite).
For some reason today, I got Zaxby's chicken strips in my head about 10 AM. No clue why. No prompting. They were just there, all of a sudden.
All day, it keeps popping in my head. I shudder at the greasy, flavorless coating and the slimy chicken finger piece. Ew.
The picture won't get out of my head, and it makes me gag.
The baby has to be okay, right?
Monday, August 25, 2014
Cautiously Optimistic
What does "cautiously optimistic" really look like?
Is it a 50-50 type thing? More like 60-40 or even 70-30? I'd say for something to be optimistic it has to probably be at least 51-49, but from there, I am not sure.
The dictionary says cautiously optimistic is to be "hopeful about something, but recognizing the problems involved".
I have a burning desire to quantify my future, but it looks like I will just need to wait and see.
Is it a 50-50 type thing? More like 60-40 or even 70-30? I'd say for something to be optimistic it has to probably be at least 51-49, but from there, I am not sure.
The dictionary says cautiously optimistic is to be "hopeful about something, but recognizing the problems involved".
I have a burning desire to quantify my future, but it looks like I will just need to wait and see.
Sunday, August 24, 2014
Psalm 77
I read some Bible verses that mentioned miracles. I really liked this passage of Psalm 77. I think it fits very well. For two days (last weekend), I was too distressed to pray (something that has never happened to me before). I may not be well disciplined to sit down and pray for specific needs like I should, but I always conversate throughout the day with God, and I just couldn't. The words just wouldn't come out.
I feel like, regardless of the final outcome, I saw a miracle on Thursday. I returned to the same well-respected, experienced clinic that wanted to "process" the pregnancy like a miscarriage and saw not only my embryo and its sac growing on the screen but a steady flicker of light from the core of the embryo. A heartbeat.
Anyone can say what they want, but I believe God is the giver of life, and He demonstrated His power to me. I beg and pray that this will continue so the baby can grow to term and come home with us.
I cry out to God; yes, I shout.
Oh, that God would listen to me!
2 When I was in deep trouble,
I searched for the Lord.
All night long I prayed, with hands lifted toward heaven,
but my soul was not comforted.
3 I think of God, and I moan,
overwhelmed with longing for his help. Interlude
I feel like, regardless of the final outcome, I saw a miracle on Thursday. I returned to the same well-respected, experienced clinic that wanted to "process" the pregnancy like a miscarriage and saw not only my embryo and its sac growing on the screen but a steady flicker of light from the core of the embryo. A heartbeat.
Anyone can say what they want, but I believe God is the giver of life, and He demonstrated His power to me. I beg and pray that this will continue so the baby can grow to term and come home with us.
I cry out to God; yes, I shout.
Oh, that God would listen to me!
2 When I was in deep trouble,
I searched for the Lord.
All night long I prayed, with hands lifted toward heaven,
but my soul was not comforted.
3 I think of God, and I moan,
overwhelmed with longing for his help. Interlude
4 You don’t let me sleep.
I am too distressed even to pray!
5 I think of the good old days,
long since ended,
6 when my nights were filled with joyful songs.
I search my soul and ponder the difference now.
7 Has the Lord rejected me forever?
Will he never again be kind to me?
8 Is his unfailing love gone forever?
Have his promises permanently failed?
9 Has God forgotten to be gracious?
Has he slammed the door on his compassion? Interlude
I am too distressed even to pray!
5 I think of the good old days,
long since ended,
6 when my nights were filled with joyful songs.
I search my soul and ponder the difference now.
7 Has the Lord rejected me forever?
Will he never again be kind to me?
8 Is his unfailing love gone forever?
Have his promises permanently failed?
9 Has God forgotten to be gracious?
Has he slammed the door on his compassion? Interlude
10 And I said, “This is my fate;
the Most High has turned his hand against me.”
11 But then I recall all you have done, O Lord;
I remember your wonderful deeds of long ago.
12 They are constantly in my thoughts.
I cannot stop thinking about your mighty works.
the Most High has turned his hand against me.”
11 But then I recall all you have done, O Lord;
I remember your wonderful deeds of long ago.
12 They are constantly in my thoughts.
I cannot stop thinking about your mighty works.
13 O God, your ways are holy.
Is there any god as mighty as you?
14 You are the God of great wonders!
You demonstrate your awesome power among the nations.
15 By your strong arm, you redeemed your people,
the descendants of Jacob and Joseph. Interlude
Is there any god as mighty as you?
14 You are the God of great wonders!
You demonstrate your awesome power among the nations.
15 By your strong arm, you redeemed your people,
the descendants of Jacob and Joseph. Interlude
16 When the Red Sea saw you, O God,
its waters looked and trembled!
The sea quaked to its very depths.
17 The clouds poured down rain;
the thunder rumbled in the sky.
Your arrows of lightning flashed.
18 Your thunder roared from the whirlwind;
the lightning lit up the world!
The earth trembled and shook.
19 Your road led through the sea,
your pathway through the mighty waters—
a pathway no one knew was there!
20 You led your people along that road like a flock of sheep,
with Moses and Aaron as their shepherds.
its waters looked and trembled!
The sea quaked to its very depths.
17 The clouds poured down rain;
the thunder rumbled in the sky.
Your arrows of lightning flashed.
18 Your thunder roared from the whirlwind;
the lightning lit up the world!
The earth trembled and shook.
19 Your road led through the sea,
your pathway through the mighty waters—
a pathway no one knew was there!
20 You led your people along that road like a flock of sheep,
with Moses and Aaron as their shepherds.
-Psalm 77
Thursday, August 21, 2014
Perhaps a "Miracle Baby"
The tech slowly scanned around. She didn't have to tell me to hold my breath this time. I knew.
"We have some growth. And we have fetal heart motion".
Fetal heart motion! What in the heck! There's a heartbeat!
The baby grew 3mm in 6 days, which is still very slow growth; but previously the baby grew 1mm in 5 days last week, so it's an improvement. The baby is still measuring almost a week behind, though.
The heart rate was measured at 106 which is on the slow side but not necessarily bad from what my doctor said.
When I was getting dressed, I didn't feel happy or sad. I didn't feel much of anything other than, I guess, shock. I wish we had a more definitive idea, but obviously I am thrilled to have a heartbeat, be it slow.
The nurse practitioner at the monitoring clinic said, "It could go either way. You can be cautiously optimistic".
I have started to feel calmer and less sad throughout the day. I'm sure the anxiety will rev back up closer to the next ultrasound which will be a week from today.
I know people who say they have a "miracle baby"; I hope that will be the case for us. I hope the little one keeps growing and has a stronger heartbeat by next week!
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Adoption Love Link-Up: Intro
I love Kristen's blog Adoption Love. She's started a monthly link-up. I'm sure some other interesting and encouraging blogs will join, so head over there to check out others' stories.
This month, the topic is an introduction, specifically "How did you become a part of the adoption world, and where is your family in the journey?"
We've had a winding, long path of adoption. After about three years of wedded bliss, we decided it was time for a child. We didn't want a biological child together because D has a genetic condition that is 50% inheritable. He has a great life, but he's been through painful operations and injuries due to his muscle deficits and regularly gets stares from his gait. We didn't feel like it was fair to knowingly bringing a child into a situation with a high potential for health problems when we had alternatives to avoid it.
So, we found a sperm donor who was athletic (important to D) and actually looked alot like D in his kid picture. Some people feel uncomfortable using donor "material" (especially for just one party), but we both felt like it was a fine option for us. To each their own! We did three IUIs with the donor sperm, which were unsuccessful. We found out I have PCOS, so I never ovulated well for the IUIs which probably contributed to our lack of success.
I couldn't fathom doing IVF with donor sperm. I'm not the best ovulator, and if we got all that donor sperm and did a whole cycle, we might not end up with even one or two viable embryos. We have no infertility insurance coverage, so it would be a huge financial gamble. It just didn't feel right. It didn't make sense. Neither of us care anything about having a biological kid. I can honestly say I have not grieved about not having a biological child, so I am lucky in that respect.
After our stint with IF treatments, we went back and forth between domestic infant adoption and foster care. We never considered international adoption because many countries are more strict about medical conditions (eg: some don't allow you to adopt if you have above a certain BMI or have ever used an antidepressant). We didn't want to get into an adoption and be turned down by the country because of D's diagnosis.
We settled on foster care. It's local. I used to work in that field, so we're familiar with it. The kids are obviously in need of love and stability. Before we were even told we were approved, we were called about a sibling group of 4 young kids. Well, hello. Not feasible at all with us both working full time, driving sedans, and having only one bed and one crib. That's how our experience started, and it continued in a similar fashion. It was very upsetting to turn down each inappropriate referral. We wanted to help, but every single call was for a situation we couldn't parent. Too many kids. Needs a stay at home parent. If the state couldn't listen to us and respect what we were willing to provide, there was no point in us continuing. I had concerns with honesty about the referrals in at least one situation, and that made me uncomfortable with continuing. One of the most important things you can do it take care of someone else's child, and I am not willing to be willy-nilly with that. We also inquired about several young children and sibling groups through Adopt Us Kids website but had minimal responses.
So, we closed our home to foster care. We had visited a local adoption agency back when we were trying to decide between domestic infant adoption and foster care. We went back and ended up signing on with that agency. Continuing our back lack (bad decisions?), the agency's placements came to almost a standstill. In nearly a year, our profile was shown only once (and she didn't even place). Very few placements were made. The director left (and there still isn't one). I know adoptions everywhere are on a downslope... it's socially acceptable to be a single mom, contraceptives and abortions are more accessible, there are lots of programs to help single moms, etc. At the end of 2013, with the rate of placements, it would take 6 years for all the waiting families to have one placement, and the agency kept adding more families!
Not one to sit stagnant, I explored other options for domestic infant adoption such as signing on with other agencies, using private attorneys, or using matching websites. We actually applied for two situations with private attorneys that didn't work out. In the end, we found out about embryo adoption and decided to pursue that. One of the most well known clinics in the country is a few hours away, and there are lots of waiting embryos. My infertility issues shouldn't affect an embryo adoption transfer.
We adopted 7 embryos in an open adoption through our clinic. We've spoken with and exchanged pictures with the genetic family. Openness has been positive for us. We had a transfer in May that was unsuccessful, and a transfer in July that was initially successful but touch and go at the moment. Both embryos implanted; one died; one is behind is development and hasn't had a heartbeat yet.
We hope embryo adoption will be "it" for us and maybe after 3 years of work, tears, prayers, and waiting, we will have a child. Half of our marriage has been consumed with this, we've spent a lot of our savings, and we are only getting older (for the South, anyway).
This month, the topic is an introduction, specifically "How did you become a part of the adoption world, and where is your family in the journey?"
We've had a winding, long path of adoption. After about three years of wedded bliss, we decided it was time for a child. We didn't want a biological child together because D has a genetic condition that is 50% inheritable. He has a great life, but he's been through painful operations and injuries due to his muscle deficits and regularly gets stares from his gait. We didn't feel like it was fair to knowingly bringing a child into a situation with a high potential for health problems when we had alternatives to avoid it.
So, we found a sperm donor who was athletic (important to D) and actually looked alot like D in his kid picture. Some people feel uncomfortable using donor "material" (especially for just one party), but we both felt like it was a fine option for us. To each their own! We did three IUIs with the donor sperm, which were unsuccessful. We found out I have PCOS, so I never ovulated well for the IUIs which probably contributed to our lack of success.
I couldn't fathom doing IVF with donor sperm. I'm not the best ovulator, and if we got all that donor sperm and did a whole cycle, we might not end up with even one or two viable embryos. We have no infertility insurance coverage, so it would be a huge financial gamble. It just didn't feel right. It didn't make sense. Neither of us care anything about having a biological kid. I can honestly say I have not grieved about not having a biological child, so I am lucky in that respect.
After our stint with IF treatments, we went back and forth between domestic infant adoption and foster care. We never considered international adoption because many countries are more strict about medical conditions (eg: some don't allow you to adopt if you have above a certain BMI or have ever used an antidepressant). We didn't want to get into an adoption and be turned down by the country because of D's diagnosis.
We settled on foster care. It's local. I used to work in that field, so we're familiar with it. The kids are obviously in need of love and stability. Before we were even told we were approved, we were called about a sibling group of 4 young kids. Well, hello. Not feasible at all with us both working full time, driving sedans, and having only one bed and one crib. That's how our experience started, and it continued in a similar fashion. It was very upsetting to turn down each inappropriate referral. We wanted to help, but every single call was for a situation we couldn't parent. Too many kids. Needs a stay at home parent. If the state couldn't listen to us and respect what we were willing to provide, there was no point in us continuing. I had concerns with honesty about the referrals in at least one situation, and that made me uncomfortable with continuing. One of the most important things you can do it take care of someone else's child, and I am not willing to be willy-nilly with that. We also inquired about several young children and sibling groups through Adopt Us Kids website but had minimal responses.
So, we closed our home to foster care. We had visited a local adoption agency back when we were trying to decide between domestic infant adoption and foster care. We went back and ended up signing on with that agency. Continuing our back lack (bad decisions?), the agency's placements came to almost a standstill. In nearly a year, our profile was shown only once (and she didn't even place). Very few placements were made. The director left (and there still isn't one). I know adoptions everywhere are on a downslope... it's socially acceptable to be a single mom, contraceptives and abortions are more accessible, there are lots of programs to help single moms, etc. At the end of 2013, with the rate of placements, it would take 6 years for all the waiting families to have one placement, and the agency kept adding more families!
Not one to sit stagnant, I explored other options for domestic infant adoption such as signing on with other agencies, using private attorneys, or using matching websites. We actually applied for two situations with private attorneys that didn't work out. In the end, we found out about embryo adoption and decided to pursue that. One of the most well known clinics in the country is a few hours away, and there are lots of waiting embryos. My infertility issues shouldn't affect an embryo adoption transfer.
We adopted 7 embryos in an open adoption through our clinic. We've spoken with and exchanged pictures with the genetic family. Openness has been positive for us. We had a transfer in May that was unsuccessful, and a transfer in July that was initially successful but touch and go at the moment. Both embryos implanted; one died; one is behind is development and hasn't had a heartbeat yet.
We hope embryo adoption will be "it" for us and maybe after 3 years of work, tears, prayers, and waiting, we will have a child. Half of our marriage has been consumed with this, we've spent a lot of our savings, and we are only getting older (for the South, anyway).
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
Just So Tired
I made it through work today, mostly unscathed. I didn't want to get out of my car when I pulled in the parking lot, but once I made myself get out & go in, I was okay. I was actually pretty productive and kept my composure.
Still, I am blunted to the world around me.
It takes so much effort to do anything.
My body feels heavy.
I am continuing to try to not overthink things....
But...
I felt tired and queasy today, so hopefully that's good.
But I put two and two together and realized the CRL measurements of my two ultrasounds are pitifully behind, especially the more recent one. So maybe that's foreboding.
All I know is I don't know anything at this point, so it is not helpful for me to brood and fret.
Thursday will bring answers.
Still, I am blunted to the world around me.
It takes so much effort to do anything.
My body feels heavy.
I am continuing to try to not overthink things....
But...
I felt tired and queasy today, so hopefully that's good.
But I put two and two together and realized the CRL measurements of my two ultrasounds are pitifully behind, especially the more recent one. So maybe that's foreboding.
All I know is I don't know anything at this point, so it is not helpful for me to brood and fret.
Thursday will bring answers.
Monday, August 18, 2014
Unhinged
I gave myself today off, so I could figure out the game plan and let it sink in.
When I got up, I emailed the nurse to remind her we'd sure like to know the opinion as soon as possible. Because it had been a looong weekend, after all.
Three hours later, I hadn't heard anything, so I called the nurse. No answer. Rats. My chest was tight, and I felt like my head was going to explode.
I refreshed my email on my phone and saw that the nurse was asking me to contact the monitoring clinic because she hadn't received the results. So not my understanding based on our conversation Friday.
My hackles were up. Uh oh.
I called monitoring clinic and, surprise surprise, got the voicemail. I left a message requesting (again) that the results be sent. As I hung up, I started stewing.
This happens EVERY. TIME. I. HAVE. RESULTS. TO. BE. SEEN. Every time!
I went unhinged.
I threw on some clothes, ran a brush through my wild hair, grabbed a bottle of water. And apparently dropped the apple I was eating onto the pile of laundry I was folding, so I noticed later on. Yeah, I was in rare form by this point.
I zipped to Big City, no traffic at this time of day. As I stormed the front desk, a nurse simultaneously called to let me know she had faxed the results. I begged to talk to her in person, and she accommodated my request. I wanted matters to be in my hands, darn it. I took a picture of the report with my phone and emailed it to Dr K's nurse. With a "woosh" of my phone, I knew it was finally going to be in the hands of my doctor!
I was really worked up and upset. I was going on 75 hours with the news that my baby was probably dead, but maybe not.
I looked over the report and noticed two important facts: 1) They had me at 7w on Friday, when I was really 6w5d 2) They had me measuring at 6w2d, not 6w as I was told.
So I was really measuring 3 days behind, not almost a week as I was lead to believe.
WHAT IN THE HECK?!?
I decided I had just enough time to head across the state to Dr K's office, if I drove straight there. I'd sit in the lobby if I had to, if I still didn't have answers, if the nurse hadn't called me. I wasn't prepared to have another night of not knowing, and I'd assume to just drive there and be a squeaky wheel if that's what it took.
My mom met me to join in on the ride, ready with pitchforks... errr... a deep desire to have some answers.
I felt a la the lady astronaut who wore a diaper and drove all day over a boyfriend issue. Nothing was stopping me. My mom felt a la Terms of Endearment meltdown. I have to admit, both offices were very nice today, but one cross look, and this would have been me!
Luckily, before I got too, too far, I heard back from the nurse.
She said Dr. K noticed right away that the dating was incorrect. He didn't say if the report itself was good or bad but he had enough hope to order another ultrasound for this Thursday. At that point I will be 7w4d. Measuring 3 days behind feels not as scary, and knowing the baby grew 3 days in 4 days (between bleeding ultrasound and scheduled ultrasound) rather than 1 day in 4 days feels so comforting. Now, if only we could get a heartbeat!!
I immediately felt a cool rush after talking to her. There is hope. There is a plan. It sucks to wait til Thursday, but I'd prefer to have the most accurate interpretation so a miscarriage isn't forced on a viable baby.
Several people have told me they have "good feelings" about this pregnancy (before all this mess) including the donors as well as close friends. I have felt that way myself, down in my heart. If we get bad news, I will be resigned to it and will find a way to cope, but I will no longer believe in intuition.
I am fully prepared for bad news. I've been living a literal nightmare for four days now.
But I am pleading for good news.
When I got up, I emailed the nurse to remind her we'd sure like to know the opinion as soon as possible. Because it had been a looong weekend, after all.
Three hours later, I hadn't heard anything, so I called the nurse. No answer. Rats. My chest was tight, and I felt like my head was going to explode.
I refreshed my email on my phone and saw that the nurse was asking me to contact the monitoring clinic because she hadn't received the results. So not my understanding based on our conversation Friday.
My hackles were up. Uh oh.
I called monitoring clinic and, surprise surprise, got the voicemail. I left a message requesting (again) that the results be sent. As I hung up, I started stewing.
This happens EVERY. TIME. I. HAVE. RESULTS. TO. BE. SEEN. Every time!
I went unhinged.
I threw on some clothes, ran a brush through my wild hair, grabbed a bottle of water. And apparently dropped the apple I was eating onto the pile of laundry I was folding, so I noticed later on. Yeah, I was in rare form by this point.
I zipped to Big City, no traffic at this time of day. As I stormed the front desk, a nurse simultaneously called to let me know she had faxed the results. I begged to talk to her in person, and she accommodated my request. I wanted matters to be in my hands, darn it. I took a picture of the report with my phone and emailed it to Dr K's nurse. With a "woosh" of my phone, I knew it was finally going to be in the hands of my doctor!
I was really worked up and upset. I was going on 75 hours with the news that my baby was probably dead, but maybe not.
I looked over the report and noticed two important facts: 1) They had me at 7w on Friday, when I was really 6w5d 2) They had me measuring at 6w2d, not 6w as I was told.
So I was really measuring 3 days behind, not almost a week as I was lead to believe.
WHAT IN THE HECK?!?
I decided I had just enough time to head across the state to Dr K's office, if I drove straight there. I'd sit in the lobby if I had to, if I still didn't have answers, if the nurse hadn't called me. I wasn't prepared to have another night of not knowing, and I'd assume to just drive there and be a squeaky wheel if that's what it took.
My mom met me to join in on the ride, ready with pitchforks... errr... a deep desire to have some answers.
I felt a la the lady astronaut who wore a diaper and drove all day over a boyfriend issue. Nothing was stopping me. My mom felt a la Terms of Endearment meltdown. I have to admit, both offices were very nice today, but one cross look, and this would have been me!
Luckily, before I got too, too far, I heard back from the nurse.
She said Dr. K noticed right away that the dating was incorrect. He didn't say if the report itself was good or bad but he had enough hope to order another ultrasound for this Thursday. At that point I will be 7w4d. Measuring 3 days behind feels not as scary, and knowing the baby grew 3 days in 4 days (between bleeding ultrasound and scheduled ultrasound) rather than 1 day in 4 days feels so comforting. Now, if only we could get a heartbeat!!
I immediately felt a cool rush after talking to her. There is hope. There is a plan. It sucks to wait til Thursday, but I'd prefer to have the most accurate interpretation so a miscarriage isn't forced on a viable baby.
Several people have told me they have "good feelings" about this pregnancy (before all this mess) including the donors as well as close friends. I have felt that way myself, down in my heart. If we get bad news, I will be resigned to it and will find a way to cope, but I will no longer believe in intuition.
I am fully prepared for bad news. I've been living a literal nightmare for four days now.
But I am pleading for good news.
Sunday, August 17, 2014
Anything Could Happen
I am in a perplexing, draining limbo.
Anything could happen.
I have heard several stories of positive outcomes from situations similar to mine.
I read that if a heartbeat isn't seen by the time the fetal pole/baby is 5 mm, you're pretty much out of luck. I didn't know to ask for a mm measurement at my ultrasound, but the tech said it was measuring around 6 weeks which is about 4 mm from what I've read. So, from my non-medical-professional internet scowling, there may still be some room for error.
The lack of growth is more concerning than the lack of heartbeat, but I also read that ultrasounds at this stage are +/- 4 days, so really the baby might only be one day behind, which would be fairly common for a frozen embryo.
And a tilted uterus can make it more difficult to see an early heartbeat. I have no clue if mine is tilted or not, but I know Dr. K will know since you have such a thorough exam before being "accepted" into the embryo adoption program.
None of this was discussed on Friday. It was pretty much, "The ultrasound looks bad. There isn't much hope" and that was it.
To top it off, yesterday I didn't feel any queasiness... which hasn't happened since two days before I had a positive pregnancy test. Bad? I don't feel as queasy as normal today, but I don't feel as well as yesterday. Good? Could the decrease in symptoms be from the decrease in hcg since I know we definitely lost a twin? Or could it be from losing the second baby?
There's no way to know.
I am trying not to read too much, read int to too much, be too sad, or be too hopeful. The only "safe" route for me is to blunt my emotions and try to distract myself with anything not too draining. We went on an impromptu trip to ATL this weekend. We mosied through the zoo in the perfect weather, went to a movie, and ate out. Next on the list is laundry and reruns of "Say Yes to the Dress". Perfectly mind numbing.
I am dying to hear from Dr. K's nurse tomorrow about his interpretation of the results. I am 7 weeks today. So what will it be...?!?!?
In the meantime, I have to say a heartfelt thank you to everyone who has expressed love and concern. I truly appreciate the thoughts and especially the prayers. I am still struggling, and I know the prayers of my family and friends holds me up (James 5:16). Thank you for praying for me, D, and for our baby. When I started this blog, I figured it'd be a good record for me (and one day a baby) and that a couple of people might read, but I am blessed to have so many loving readers, many of whom are "internet strangers" but connect through our shared struggles.
Anything could happen.
I have heard several stories of positive outcomes from situations similar to mine.
I read that if a heartbeat isn't seen by the time the fetal pole/baby is 5 mm, you're pretty much out of luck. I didn't know to ask for a mm measurement at my ultrasound, but the tech said it was measuring around 6 weeks which is about 4 mm from what I've read. So, from my non-medical-professional internet scowling, there may still be some room for error.
The lack of growth is more concerning than the lack of heartbeat, but I also read that ultrasounds at this stage are +/- 4 days, so really the baby might only be one day behind, which would be fairly common for a frozen embryo.
And a tilted uterus can make it more difficult to see an early heartbeat. I have no clue if mine is tilted or not, but I know Dr. K will know since you have such a thorough exam before being "accepted" into the embryo adoption program.
None of this was discussed on Friday. It was pretty much, "The ultrasound looks bad. There isn't much hope" and that was it.
To top it off, yesterday I didn't feel any queasiness... which hasn't happened since two days before I had a positive pregnancy test. Bad? I don't feel as queasy as normal today, but I don't feel as well as yesterday. Good? Could the decrease in symptoms be from the decrease in hcg since I know we definitely lost a twin? Or could it be from losing the second baby?
There's no way to know.
I am trying not to read too much, read int to too much, be too sad, or be too hopeful. The only "safe" route for me is to blunt my emotions and try to distract myself with anything not too draining. We went on an impromptu trip to ATL this weekend. We mosied through the zoo in the perfect weather, went to a movie, and ate out. Next on the list is laundry and reruns of "Say Yes to the Dress". Perfectly mind numbing.
I am dying to hear from Dr. K's nurse tomorrow about his interpretation of the results. I am 7 weeks today. So what will it be...?!?!?
In the meantime, I have to say a heartfelt thank you to everyone who has expressed love and concern. I truly appreciate the thoughts and especially the prayers. I am still struggling, and I know the prayers of my family and friends holds me up (James 5:16). Thank you for praying for me, D, and for our baby. When I started this blog, I figured it'd be a good record for me (and one day a baby) and that a couple of people might read, but I am blessed to have so many loving readers, many of whom are "internet strangers" but connect through our shared struggles.
Saturday, August 16, 2014
I Wish It Was a Dream
Thursday night, I tossed and turned. I was awake every hour.
Friday, I walked with trepidation into the monitoring clinic with D.
No bloodwork this time, since Monday's results were fine.
Straight to the ultrasound room.
The technician was very quiet. She was probing around more than capturing pictures. She asked me to hold my breath.
I don't think I took a breath for at least another minute.
She said it didn't look good and this wasn't what they wanted to see. She said the baby wasn't growing and there wasn't a heartbeat. She asked me to get dressed so a nurse practitioner could meet with me.
My mind went blank, and my heart turned black.
D and I sat in the waiting area by the ultrasound room, silently waiting. All I could do was stare. Tears were welling in my eyes so I tried to look at a magazine, but it was like reading Spanish.
Then, a doctor (instead of nurse practitioner) came and asked us to follow her. She explained that the pregnancy didn't look viable. She pointed out the yolk sac and how small the fetal pole/baby was. She said this can commonly happen at this stage with genetic abnormalities. She said the results would be sent to Dr. K for him to make a decision about, but that I might stop the medication and wait for a miscarriage or might have a d&c.
What. The. Fuck.
I haven't been angry, really angry, this whole time. I've felt highly annoyed, sorry for myself, and aggravated. But I am angry now.
She said it was obviously a "very wanted pregnancy" so it was sad but the good thing was I knew I could get pregnant.
She said we could stay in the room as long as we wanted.
I wanted to get out as soon as I could. I wanted to run away. I used three kleenex to compose myself and put one in my pocket.
We had to stop at the financial desk to pay for the visit. It felt like an eternity for her to add up the charges and run our card.
I don't remember driving home, because I was on autopilot and crying. Luckily I was driving against rush hour.
I had a baby. He or she was okay on Monday. Now it's not.
I don't know what will happen now. As always, it took forever for the report to make it to the clinic, so Dr. K hasn't even reviewed the measurements yet. The nurse said to keep on my medication and that he would look over everything Monday and let me know what to do. She suspects another ultrasound to check on things, maybe as late as mid to late next week.
So there's a high likelihood the baby has a genetic abnormality which caused it to stop growing. But I don't know. I will keep doing each torturous shot "just in case". I will pray for a miracle, if I can really pray right now, and prepare myself for the worse. I might have to just depend on the prayers of everyone around me for right now.
Friday, I walked with trepidation into the monitoring clinic with D.
No bloodwork this time, since Monday's results were fine.
Straight to the ultrasound room.
The technician was very quiet. She was probing around more than capturing pictures. She asked me to hold my breath.
I don't think I took a breath for at least another minute.
She said it didn't look good and this wasn't what they wanted to see. She said the baby wasn't growing and there wasn't a heartbeat. She asked me to get dressed so a nurse practitioner could meet with me.
My mind went blank, and my heart turned black.
D and I sat in the waiting area by the ultrasound room, silently waiting. All I could do was stare. Tears were welling in my eyes so I tried to look at a magazine, but it was like reading Spanish.
Then, a doctor (instead of nurse practitioner) came and asked us to follow her. She explained that the pregnancy didn't look viable. She pointed out the yolk sac and how small the fetal pole/baby was. She said this can commonly happen at this stage with genetic abnormalities. She said the results would be sent to Dr. K for him to make a decision about, but that I might stop the medication and wait for a miscarriage or might have a d&c.
What. The. Fuck.
I haven't been angry, really angry, this whole time. I've felt highly annoyed, sorry for myself, and aggravated. But I am angry now.
She said it was obviously a "very wanted pregnancy" so it was sad but the good thing was I knew I could get pregnant.
She said we could stay in the room as long as we wanted.
I wanted to get out as soon as I could. I wanted to run away. I used three kleenex to compose myself and put one in my pocket.
We had to stop at the financial desk to pay for the visit. It felt like an eternity for her to add up the charges and run our card.
I don't remember driving home, because I was on autopilot and crying. Luckily I was driving against rush hour.
I had a baby. He or she was okay on Monday. Now it's not.
I don't know what will happen now. As always, it took forever for the report to make it to the clinic, so Dr. K hasn't even reviewed the measurements yet. The nurse said to keep on my medication and that he would look over everything Monday and let me know what to do. She suspects another ultrasound to check on things, maybe as late as mid to late next week.
So there's a high likelihood the baby has a genetic abnormality which caused it to stop growing. But I don't know. I will keep doing each torturous shot "just in case". I will pray for a miracle, if I can really pray right now, and prepare myself for the worse. I might have to just depend on the prayers of everyone around me for right now.
Friday, August 15, 2014
Sad Update
Unfortunately not only was there not a heartbeat, but the baby stopped growing. We have to wait for my doctor in Knoxville to review the results and make a recommendation of what's next.
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Hope for the Best
Tomorrow is a big day. The much anticipated ultrasound to hear a heartbeat. It won't necessarily be "over" if we don't hear one, but it will be a very good sign if we do and will be a cause for lots of extra concern if we don't. Now that we have a measurement from Monday to compare it to, it will also be interesting to see if the baby is growing as it should. And to see if the second sac has "closed up shop" yet.
In the deepest part of my heart, I feel like everything will be okay.
But I still have twinges of nervousness and anticipation.
I want to have this reassurance. I want everything to go well.
But I am still thinking about what will happen if it doesn't, just in case.
Please, oh please, God, please just let this baby be okay and growing.
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
That's What I Said.... Bunny Bread
You may have an embryo on board when the hearty grain bread you usually devour for breakfast isn't palatable and you find yourself putting soft, white Bunny.Bread (and a half loaf, at that, so it stays extra soft) into your buggy. I can't believe my breakfast was just a plain, untoasted piece of white bread (and third piece back in the loaf, so it was fresher).
So far this baby is taking after D. At this rate, I will probably be wanting grape jelly on it next (barf).
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Realizing a Loss
At first I was in shock. We have a baby. No heartbeat yet, but the ultrasound tech isn't worried at this point. With a shift motion, she ripped one image of baby off the strip of pictures and handed it to me. I clutched it carefully.
My initial emotion was relief. The baby wasn't affected by the bleeding. I also selfishly felt some relief to see one, and not two, babies. I would love whatever children I am gifted with, but I have so many worries about twins. I feel bad to say, but I am more comfortable with the idea of a singleton.
Shock lasted throughout much of the day. It's hard to really get excited or sad or much of anything when something so overwhelming has just happened.An unexpected ultrasound due to complications. Two sacs, but one was empty. Not what I would have guessed. I would have guessed just one sac with a baby.
As the day's events sunk in, I started to feel more sad. To have a gestational sac show on ultrasound, the embryo would have grown to at least 5 weeks. That was last week. Most likely he or she had chromosomal problems that prevented healthy development (see blighted ovum).
Although I ultimately feel more "comfortable" with this outcome, it is still sad. What could have been for that embryo. That if this baby is born, they will grow up without a twin they could have had.
When I am back in the office at the end of the week, I will ask for a picture of the empty sac, too. I hate that the picture is clipped into a cold chart filed away in a room somewhere and not with me.
Monday, August 11, 2014
A Scare...
We went to a baseball game last night. After getting settled into our seats, I went to do my shot. I squeezed into a tiny stall in the humid bathroom and much to my dismay, saw blood. Not what you want to see! I tried to stay calm while I did my "poke" (as my nephew calls a shot). I took some deep breaths, packed up my used syringe, wiped the sweat off my brow, and called D to let him know he'd need to get the car so we could leave.
So many things race through your head. I am lucky to have a great online support group so I am already aware that bleeding is relatively common for this stage, and luckily it was not bright red or a large amount. I teetered between knowing everything was likely okay and sheer terror. A wise friend suggested moving up my ultrasound for peace of mind.
So, this morning my mom picked me up bright & early and we made the commute to the big city. She carefully made it through the rush hour congestion. The clinic worked me right in. I got my blood drawn, then made my way to the dreaded/revered ultrasound room. I undressed waist down, ready to learn more about my embryos' fates.
My favorite tech came in and within mere second was able to show us one sac with a fetal pole and yolk sac (good) without a heartbeat (expected for this point, unless the embryo was just an overachiever) and another sac that was empty. The fetal pole in the first sac was measuring 5 weeks, 6 days which is a couple of days behind but within a healthy range at this point.
A nurse practitioner met with me and believes it is most likely that the empty sac is breaking down and my body is getting rid of it, hence the bleeding. I didn't have any SCH/blood pockets visible on the ultrasound which is positive.
It is sad that the twin stuck around for at least 2-2.5 weeks before it stopped growing. He or she is with the five other embryos, safely tucked away in heaven.
Without further ado, here is baby:
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We will be back Friday to hopefully see a heartbeat.
So many things race through your head. I am lucky to have a great online support group so I am already aware that bleeding is relatively common for this stage, and luckily it was not bright red or a large amount. I teetered between knowing everything was likely okay and sheer terror. A wise friend suggested moving up my ultrasound for peace of mind.
So, this morning my mom picked me up bright & early and we made the commute to the big city. She carefully made it through the rush hour congestion. The clinic worked me right in. I got my blood drawn, then made my way to the dreaded/revered ultrasound room. I undressed waist down, ready to learn more about my embryos' fates.
My favorite tech came in and within mere second was able to show us one sac with a fetal pole and yolk sac (good) without a heartbeat (expected for this point, unless the embryo was just an overachiever) and another sac that was empty. The fetal pole in the first sac was measuring 5 weeks, 6 days which is a couple of days behind but within a healthy range at this point.
A nurse practitioner met with me and believes it is most likely that the empty sac is breaking down and my body is getting rid of it, hence the bleeding. I didn't have any SCH/blood pockets visible on the ultrasound which is positive.
It is sad that the twin stuck around for at least 2-2.5 weeks before it stopped growing. He or she is with the five other embryos, safely tucked away in heaven.
Without further ado, here is baby:
We will be back Friday to hopefully see a heartbeat.
6 Weeks Check-In
How far along: 6 weeks
Baby's Size of: A sweet pea
Baby's Size of: A sweet pea
Total weight gain: Not sure. I shouldn't be worried about weight gain since I'm not eating more than usual, but just the water weight alone already has me nervous.
Sleep: Sleeping fine. Still going to bed early, and taking some naps, too.
Best moment of last week: My nephew climbing in my lap and giving me a hug, all on his own
Miss anything: Nothing new yet
Food cravings: Soft, white bread.. see worries about weight gain haha.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Everything, at least until I force myself to eat
Looking forward to: Ultrasound on the 15th
Other milestones: I almost passed out from either low blood pressure or low blood sugar... I broke into a hot sweat, couldn't hear, my whole body was tingly, and I was seeing black spots. Have to take mornings carefully!
At six weeks, your baby is going through visible changes. Major
developments include the ears, mouth, and nose, and ultrasounds are able
to pick these out quite easily. The eyes and nostrils are also forming,
and they show up in an ultrasound as black dots. Your baby’s arms and
legs look like stubs that are beginning to protrude from the body. The
baby’s heartbeat is an astounding 100 – 160 beats per minute (twice as
fast as yours or mine). The blood is circulating, and the lungs,
intestines, liver, and pancreas are all forming. Your baby is
approximately ¼ inch long, and resembles a lentil bean. At six weeks
pregnant, the baby is able to make its first movements, although these
movements are too gentle to be felt by the expectant mother (Source).
Saturday, August 9, 2014
Opening a Can of Worms
I don't have any reason to doubt, which I am grateful for. I don't have any bleeding (which is very common in IVF pregnancies), and I still have plenty of symptoms.
The pressure is mounting, though.
Being so open has been positive in a lot of ways. Our loved ones are supportive. We've had lots of prayers on our behalf. I work in a job where I have risks during pregnancy that coworkers can help minimize.
However, it's overwhelming at times to have so many people know. The whole world doesn't know, but mostly everyone close to us knows. And everyone we've told has told a person or two, so the information can tend to get out of hand.
Which is fine if we go Friday and everything looks good. There will be a lot of celebration!
I just don't want to have to tell everyone if things don't look good.
I can't think about it too much.
This process comes with so many emotions you could never dream up.
For example, in a way I keep thinking that I don't want everyone to be disappointed on Friday. But the other part of me feels almost defensive to that thought because I have done literally everything I can do, and if someone in my life is disappointed or sad... well, sorry. I know I can't control this. And I know me having a child is ultimately not about other people but is about me and D. I know no one else in my life probably thinks about it this way, but that's my inclination. I don't know why I battle with myself about this. I guess because I am a natural people pleaser and I overthink things and internalize everything. And maybe concerning myself with how others will feel or what I will say lets me avoid the scary reality that although chances are we will see a heartbeat and have a healthy pregnancy, so much can still go wrong, and a positive early pregnancy could still go either way.
I try to let thoughts like this go. It will be what it will be. Like Dr. K said at the moment of transfer, "It's out of our hands now". It's in God's hands.
I have no idea what is happening inside me right now. And I won't know til Friday morning.
Sunday. Monday. Tuesday. Wednesday. Thursday.
Five more days.
The pressure is mounting, though.
Being so open has been positive in a lot of ways. Our loved ones are supportive. We've had lots of prayers on our behalf. I work in a job where I have risks during pregnancy that coworkers can help minimize.
However, it's overwhelming at times to have so many people know. The whole world doesn't know, but mostly everyone close to us knows. And everyone we've told has told a person or two, so the information can tend to get out of hand.
Which is fine if we go Friday and everything looks good. There will be a lot of celebration!
I just don't want to have to tell everyone if things don't look good.
I can't think about it too much.
This process comes with so many emotions you could never dream up.
For example, in a way I keep thinking that I don't want everyone to be disappointed on Friday. But the other part of me feels almost defensive to that thought because I have done literally everything I can do, and if someone in my life is disappointed or sad... well, sorry. I know I can't control this. And I know me having a child is ultimately not about other people but is about me and D. I know no one else in my life probably thinks about it this way, but that's my inclination. I don't know why I battle with myself about this. I guess because I am a natural people pleaser and I overthink things and internalize everything. And maybe concerning myself with how others will feel or what I will say lets me avoid the scary reality that although chances are we will see a heartbeat and have a healthy pregnancy, so much can still go wrong, and a positive early pregnancy could still go either way.
I try to let thoughts like this go. It will be what it will be. Like Dr. K said at the moment of transfer, "It's out of our hands now". It's in God's hands.
I have no idea what is happening inside me right now. And I won't know til Friday morning.
Sunday. Monday. Tuesday. Wednesday. Thursday.
Five more days.
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
8 More Days
8 more days til we find out with some likelihood if we will have a baby or babies in April.
That seems like a long way away. Luckily we have plans all weekend and almost every weeknight until then. I hope I can keep up with all the running!
I am not feeling very nervous. I don't believe in jinxing, but I almost worry that I will jinx this by not being nervous.
I worry about not being worried enough. What in the heck? I'm sure the actual nerves will come as it gets closer.
Monday, August 4, 2014
It's 6:30 PM, and...
...I just wish it could be 7:00 PM so I could do my shot and lay down. I am beyond exhausted. Last cycle I felt exhausted in my bones, a weird tiredness I've never felt before that was probably half depression. This time, my eyes feel heavy and my brain feels sluggish. My body isn't tired; I just feel the overwhelming need to rest.
I am not complaining. It's all for a good cause.
It's just the slowest 30 minutes of the day!
I am not complaining. It's all for a good cause.
It's just the slowest 30 minutes of the day!
5 Week Check-In
How far along: 5 weeks
By week 5 in your pregnancy, your baby is growing rapidly. By the end of the fifth week, it looks like a tadpole, tail included, and is about the size of an orange seed or 1 – 5 mm in length. During this week, your baby’s vital organs are growing; the heart, central nervous system, bones, and muscles are forming quickly from this point on. Plus, the skeleton begins to take shape. Your baby’s heart is quickly developing, as it begins to separate into four chambers and starts pumping blood. Some ultrasounds will be able to pick up on the heartbeat as early as five weeks. The neural tube, which eventually becomes the brain and spinal cord, begins to form. The placenta develops, and through the placenta and umbilical cord, your baby receives nourishment. The eyes, ears, nose, mouth, fingers, and toes also begin to show (Source).
Baby's Size of: A sesame seed
Total weight gain: 1 lb (I assume water weight from all the hormones)
Sleep: Sleeping fine. Going to bed earlier, though!
Best moment of last week: Getting a positive beta then a doubled beta!
Miss anything: Feta cheese, sudafed (saline spray just doesn't cut it for a cold!)
Food cravings: Nothing... I have to force myself to eat
Anything making you queasy or sick: Grilled chicken, peanut butter
Looking forward to: Ultrasound on the 15th
Other milestones: Got some ginger gum and jolly ranchers which are helping with queasiness.
By week 5 in your pregnancy, your baby is growing rapidly. By the end of the fifth week, it looks like a tadpole, tail included, and is about the size of an orange seed or 1 – 5 mm in length. During this week, your baby’s vital organs are growing; the heart, central nervous system, bones, and muscles are forming quickly from this point on. Plus, the skeleton begins to take shape. Your baby’s heart is quickly developing, as it begins to separate into four chambers and starts pumping blood. Some ultrasounds will be able to pick up on the heartbeat as early as five weeks. The neural tube, which eventually becomes the brain and spinal cord, begins to form. The placenta develops, and through the placenta and umbilical cord, your baby receives nourishment. The eyes, ears, nose, mouth, fingers, and toes also begin to show (Source).
 |
| What the embryo(s) may look like |
Saturday, August 2, 2014
Trusting
I never really considered how I would feel at this point in pregnancy, because it was beyond comprehension to be here.
We have about two weeks until our first ultrasound. There's no more bloodwork or "checking in" until then. As far as I know, we have at least one embryo in there, growing. I just have to trust that's still the case. We may be excited or making plans in vain.
It's part inclination and part forcing myself every day....To put praise above fear. To put hope above worry. This is a terrifying time, and maddening if I let it become so.
I focus on positive mantras: "You know the hopes of the helpless" (Psalm 10:17); "You are my refuge and strength" (Psalm 46:1); "Worry about nothing but pray about everything" (Philippians 4:6); "I am pregnant for today, and I love my baby".
This is the most refining experience of my life. "So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you must endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world" (1 Peter 1:6-7).
Waiting that is totally out of my control is a hot fire to my controlling, impatient self. It will bring patience and trust, and hopefully a baby or two, as well.
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