The Bad News, Part I

I was cautiously optimistic.

We got to the clinic early, and we were the first ones to go back for ultrasound.

The tech scanned and scanned.

"There is no fetal heart motion today. I'm so sorry".

She asked if I wanted to see the monitor. I did. So she angled the screen back. She showed me how the part that is the baby was still so tiny and there appeared to be a second sac within the gestational sac. That wasn't normal.

We stayed in the ultrasound room until an exam room opened so we could talk to a doctor.

It seemed to take forever. Finally, a doctor came in and said the same thing as the tech. The baby is only 7mm. It grew .5mm or less in a week. He thought what appeared to be a second sac may actually be where the baby and yolk sac are separating from the uterus already.

He offered the same as the first doctor who gave us bad news, "expectant management" (stop progesterone since the injections would cause my body to continue to hold the dead baby... then wait for bleeding) or a d&c. Luckily (?), I already had plenty of time to think about this, and I knew I had to have a d&c for my own sanity.

He said they could schedule me sometime next week.

"I'm sorry, I cannot wait that long. Is there anything tomorrow"? In 19 days, I have gone from scary bleeding to finding out there were twins- one died and one looked healthy to finding out there was no hope for the healthy one to finding out the healthy one was growing and did finally get a heartbeat to finding out the heartbeat stopped and the baby was already dead.

We sat quietly in that room for at least 45 minutes so they could schedule me. I went through half a box of kleenex, and I am glad they spring for the soft kind.

The scheduler tiptoed in. Tomorrow at 2:30 PM. Be there at 12:30 PM.

I let work know I'd be gone a couple of days. I called HR to discuss the procedure since insurance frowns on you having anything done at an out of network facility. I had a call from the surgery center to discuss my health history. I spoke with the nurse who said Dr. K was out of the office but that she would call him. I spoke with the nurse again who said Dr. K was fine with me having a d&c if that's what I wanted. I had a call from the RE's office saying the doctor had to move the time therefore the location and time was changing. Procedure at 8:30 AM. Be there at 5:30 AM.

Everything was a sad blur.

To be continued....