Not Just Being

It hasn't been boring anymore.

The pregnancy is pleasingly boring. But as soon as I decided to speak boredom in my last post, D was admitted to the hospital the next day. More complications from his foot surgery. The doctor is being extra aggressive this time so hopefully his foot can heal up once and for ALL.

If this had to happen, the timing was relatively good. I'm not sick. My SCH appears to be gone. Our baby is just along for the ride. I'd rather not spend PTO at the hospital, but I've been able to read and prop my feet up and rest. I guess this is our very expensive babymoon. 

I've been pushed out of my comfort zone as far as walking. I haven't overdone anything, but I've walked more in the past several days than the past months, which feels great! So I know my body can handle it. 

I haven't had much time to dwell on my anatomy scan later this week. Which is a good thing. I can't change the results so there's really no point in worrying about it. But, this pregnancy still feels too good to be true. I'm waiting for the "catch". 

Quick Update

Just a quick note to let everyone know that we're still hanging in. I really appreciate the concern, thoughts, prayers, and love. My bleeding has slowed down, and I'm hoping it will stay that way. All my bloodwork from Monday came back good except some questionable things with my thyroid. I expect to have more answers on that early next week.

Why

One of my worst fears happened in the Walgreens bathroom last night.

I looked down and saw red. Not spots. Not brown. Just pure, bright red. Everywhere. 

Why? 

I drove to the ER in a fog and walked in, flinching as I was forced to say, "I'm 13 weeks, and I started bleeding really bad" through heavy tears/sobs/weeping. 

(My due date has been moved up since the baby has been measuring three days ahead so I was able to"skip" half of week 12 and breeze right over to week 13- hello second trimester!... In case anyone was wondering where 13 weeks came from).

Go to exam room. Wait. Cry. Meet my nurse who I happen to know, and she sweetly prays over us. Get blood drawn. Wait. Cry. Get pelvic exam. Have the doctor tell me there was no tissue down there so it "isn't a confirmed miscarriage". Get really annoyed at that statement- they could have done a Doppler when I walked in to let me know, but instead they're working backwards- tissue wasn't even on my radar, but now it is. D says she was just trying to be comforting, but I'm not comforted. Wait. Get an ultrasound. I'm very spolied by having so many RE scans. Techs can't diagnose so they normally don't talk, but they do at the RE. They don't other places. This tech knows I'm dying (it's been probably an hour and half and I still don't know if the baby is even alive), so he turns up the sound of the heartbeat. He says he won't do that for just anyone. Wait, wait, wait for the ultrasound to be next in some que for a random radiologist to read it. 

Finally the doctor comes in and says I do have another SCH which is likely the culprit. The growth is on track at 13w1d. The heartrate is in the 150's. I need to be on pelvic rest until I can see the OB tomorrow. 

Which is now today. More waiting. Trying not to worry. 

Dreading Dopplers

At 12.5 weeks I had my first official OB appointment today. It's ridiculous to me. It's one of my biggest annoyances in this process- that bureaucracy keep my anxious (rightfully so) self from a doctor. It is compounded by being under the care of a doctor across the state so I'm never fully looked at- just bloodwork here and an ultrasound there.

So I went and went with panic I tried to squash. My bleeding is back to how it first was when I was diagnosed with the SCH. Why is it back when my 9 week ultrasound measured it at mere millimeters? Then this morning I had an incident that felt just like water breaking. WTF. 

The nurse practitioner- because I still can't see the OB(!!!)- wasn't concerned with any of it. I know it's not likely to be leaking amniotic fluid at this point but it's still a worry. She swears it's normal. That just doesn't seem right. 

Instead of an ultrasound to check the bleed and check on my fluid, because it makes sense to me, I got a Doppler. My first one. They shouldn't do them on people like me. I was frozen while she wanted all around my lower belly. Wanded. Nothing. Wanded. Nothing. This is pure torture. 

By the time she found the heartbeat, I could only be relieved. No joy. No excitement. Just trying to pick my stomach up off the ground it had sunk so low. I've felt this way in every ultrasound, too. I just want to get through them and know everything is okay. I wish I could coo like the nurse or tech, but I can't. I don't know when the fear will stop. I try to not give into it, but I feel traumatized, just waiting to hear that this baby lost its heartbeat, too. 

For today I'm pregnant. My baby had a heartbeat this morning. I'm taking as best care of us as I know how, and that's all I can do. 

Post-Christmas

The baby's first unofficial Christmas has come and gone. He or she got a couple gifts, and I got a funny t-shirt from a fellow EA mom. I've been trying to take her advice to "rejoice and be glad" to heart. I'm slowly coming around. I never thought I would still feel so guarded at 8 weeks.

But I guess the intermittent bleeding and cramps that I'm STILL having don't help matters. I have my third ultrasound on Monday, so I'm hoping the heart is still pumping away and we've had quite a bit of growth (the baby should be about doubled in size from the last ultrasound).

I have flashes of moments that I think maybe this really could work out. It seems like a fairy tale, that a pregnancy would just progress. Maybe our baby is growing and developing and still alive. Embryos can be healthy, can't they?

Sometimes bad luck finally runs out. I've seen two friends waiting painstakingly for an adoptive placement have full arms in the past couple of weeks. They both finally were placed with babies! The sole pregnancy that came from the May transfer is here- sweet twin girls! Maybe I can join their ranks.

I'm ready to be able to have joy. I'm ready to fully open my heart. I'm ready to stop going through the motions of my day- shot, work, chores, shot, sleep, repeat- and be excited!

Another Scan

I wasn't expecting to see our little one again so soon but had another ultrasound this morning due to some bleeding. 

Growth is on track. Heartrate has increased to 153. I had a pocket of blood (not shown in this particular picture) which explains the bleeding. 

So does it feel good thinking I am miscarrying at various points throughout the day? Nope. But my brain can tell my nerves there is a reason. 

Whew.