Stay With Me

The beta just about doubled in 48 hours. 345. Technically it has up to 72 hours to double, so I was happy to hear that number.

This pregnancy race has crossed three hurdles: positive test, positive beta, doubled beta. The next hurdle will be an ultrasound in about two weeks. We should be able to see heartbeat(s) then and know if we have one or two in there.

I still have queasiness and light cramps that wax and wane, growing fatigue, and some food aversions (I normally survive on grilled chicken... just about the only meat I ever eat... and the thought of it makes me want to vomit... suddenly it seems so slimy and icky).

But, I am very happy to feel under the weather. I am blessed.

When I sought parenthood, it seemed like I could never be "lucky". It seemed like everyone around me was able to have kids, and nothing would work out for me. I felt entitled to be a parent. Why not me?

Now, I have guilt that friends I have made on this journey are still waiting. Waiting for a positive IVF cycle, waiting for a positive embryo adoption cycle, waiting to be chosen by a birthmom. Why are they left behind? Why did this work (so far) for us? I am not sure I deserve such a gift.

A rollarcoaster is really the best analogy for this journey. Steep inclines, fear, the out of control feelings, ups and downs, twists and turns, those moments of thinking, "Why did I get on this ride??", not knowing when it will come to an end. 

My mind is blown every time I think about this. The baby(ies) is/are tiny specks of cells but they are growing more every day. They have all the DNA to determine what they will look like and who they will become (in part with their environment, of course). They were lovingly created in a lab, were frozen for over 7 years, were shipped to my clinic, and suddenly they became ours.

I hope they stay with us.