What Just Can't Be

Well, darn. Last night, I had some symptoms come back. TMI symptoms that are indicative that I am still not healed. I was relieved to know I was already scheduled see an RE this morning. Once I arrived, we had a short chat in the consultation room- not much to talk about since the genetic testing has not yet been received. They should be here within the next few days.

Then, we moved to an exam room. Sure enough, the doctor pointed out the black areas in the middle of the screen (inside what looks like a 'C') which are areas of fluid/tissue in my uterus (TMI: read blood and/or clots). He said the report of what they got from the second d&c was that there was no fetal tissue so he believes all the baby/tissue was successfully removed the first time (there was no way for them to know that without a second d&c, and with the symptoms I was having- bad enough for an ER visit- they were apparently too concerned to wait and see).

The RE said there are a lot of paths people body's take after a miscarriage/d&c and that some people have few symptoms, some people have a lot of symptoms, and some people have sporadic symptoms of both degrees (me). All I can do is continue to wait. Wait for my body to heal.

He did say to talk to Dr. K about a SIS after I finally stop bleeding. This will check for any scar tissue or adhesions that would affect future transfers. I do want to be cautious because I don't want to transfer embryos into a hostile environment. But it is annoying to have to pay for yet another procedure. I wonder if it is coded as infertility or complication of miscarriage? That will make a difference, I'm sure.

I called NEDC immediately after leaving the clinic to cancel my consultation with Dr. K. I want to have the full picture before we discuss plan for transfer #3. The soonest I could reschedule for was the 25th. Rats.

I was really disappointed in the outcome of the morning. When can I catch a break? I know nothing more today except my body is taking a turn backwards. It hurts physically. It's emotionally draining. I can't close this chapter. I can't formulate plans. I have to keep reliving the miscarriage. Who knows if we can even go back by November, at this rate? I don't want to wait until January. It makes me so mad. I'm trying to be patient, but I feel so weary. I want to stomp my feet and ball up my fists and scream at the top of my lungs, "It's not fair"!

I feel like there are three categories of people at the RE. First, the waiting room normally has several couples. They might be clutching the stupid brown folder you get when you sign up with the clinic. They are nervous and hopeful: making idle chat, eyes darting around, or trying to look busy on their phones. They still come together because they haven't missed that much work yet. There were several of those couples there today.

There is a second category. I was in the elevator with two of them today. They have been through strife, but it has worked out. For example, they pull off the stupid blue clinic ID bracelets and toss them in the trashcan on their way out, talking about moving their toddlers to beds to make room for the new babies inside them. They may have their partner there for an ultrasound, clutching the beloved black and white picture. I was in this category for one visit. I know the welling joy, deep inside.

Then there is the third category. From both online and "real life", I know I am not alone in this category. You go by yourself because you can't count how many appointments you've been to. There doesn't seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel; if it is there it is very dim. You go through the motions of consultations and protocols and procedures like a robot because there's not much left in you. You don't want to give up with your dreams, but you wish you didn't have to continue on the path to get there. Every day, somewhere, there is a painful reminder of what just can't be.