Grief is like a patchwork quilt. Every piece is different, but it is knit together as a unit. Every day I feel different. Sometimes every hour I feel different. As long as I don't blame myself or God, I let the feelings come and go, even if some are more true than others.
I don't know a word to describe how it feels to have so many varying thoughts coexist in my spirit all at once. I can't fully reconcile them all yet, but within one single day I find myself saying...
I trust God's sovereignty. His ways are higher. I may never understand this but I trust God is good.
I don't understand why God would let this happen. I try to honor Him. I know my righteousness is filthy rags, but I have Christ. And He had the power to heal.
This is a broken, fallen world. God didn't cause this, but He allowed it. I don't know why. I may never know why.
Everything is pointless. I feel sad and weak.
I will choose to see the good things that are still left in my life.
My baby is at peace and never had to experience the painful things of this life.
My baby never got to experience so many wonderful things in life. No laughs or cuddles or meeting family or swinging at the park or going to the zoo.
I almost wish this cycle would have failed from the beginning. The built up hope that vanished is just too much.
I am grateful that for even a few weeks I was really a mom. I saw a miracle, even if it didn't last. A flickering of light that was a heartbeat.
Maybe we have invested too much in trying to be parents. This has consumed 3 years of our lives, and we are empty handed. Maybe we will reconcile moving on.
I can't imagine ever being at peace with giving up on parenthood. Not yet.
Why does this have to happen to us? Why can't we have a complete, happy family like so many others I know?
3 years is longer time of pain than most, but shorter than some. It is possible to continue. My story is not others' story.
I'm scared of another loss.
His grace is sufficient. His power is made perfect in weakness.
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I wish I could take away your pain. I know all to well how hard it is to maintain hope. How hard it is to have your dream of becoming a mom also be you're biggest fear to not achieve. Its so hard and so emotional and no one else can ever truly understand you leaving you feeling so lonely. I have been in this position 5 times. Our last time was when we lost our son at 17 weeks in 2012. I don't know if I'll ever honestly heal. I hear the name we chose for him and it stings.
ReplyDeleteI say all of this in an effort to tell you that you are not alone. You need to take this time to grieve and to feel the loss that has been thrust upon you. But even during the darkest hours, you are never alone. It is a pain most cannot compare or understand- but I do. I wish you didn't have to go through this and I could burden this pain for you. I'm am so truly sorry for your loss and for your heart ache. You are never alone as your guardian angel watches you from above. HUGS!!!
I remember all of those feelings very clearly when we were where you are. It's so hard. My husband and I clung to God's promises in Jeremiah 29:11- He DOES have plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE! Keep trusting!
ReplyDeleteOur 1st transfer was in July of 2010. It was unsuccessful. We went back in September. Again, unsuccessful. We took a cycle off and planned to go back in January. In November, God clearly led us to domestic adoption. We changed our homestudy, made a profile book and got on the waiting families list in January of 2011. 5 weeks later, we were chosen. Our daughter was born in April....9 months after our 1st failed transfer. God knows what He's doing...even when we don't.
Praying for you!