So Many Losses

I want to preface this to say I don't want to brag, get sympathy, or elevate my experience over others' pain. I just want to share honestly how I feel, through this wild ride.

Any time someone is hoping to conceive, every month that passes can be difficult. When you are doing ART (assisted reproductive technology), it is compounded. The time, effort, money, and energy put into a cycle is immense. When it doesn't work, or even worse, ends in loss, the life drains right out of you.

Obviously the worst thing that happened this cycle is the loss of life, especially the embryo that was, at one time, growing and having a beating heart. I don't mean to minimize that. Our child's life ended. That is by far the greatest loss. And just the chance to bring this baby into the world is worth the losses I will describe, but when my baby died, every sacrifice feels thrown in my face.

There are so many losses, big and small. We have a limited number of attempts at our clinic. Two strikes down. What will happen if we continue to be unlucky? We lost our ties with a special genetic family. We have no more embryos with them. I did everything I could for weeks to build a good lining. Gone. I did 112 shots just this cycle. 92 shots filled with thick oil plunging down to my muscle, every morning and every night. Bruises, bleeding, knots, discomfort. For what feels like nothing. We've used so much of our PTO for appointments- less to spend with a baby when/if we ever have one. We have to do another cycle- draining the little bit of savings we have that I had hoped to be able to use towards having a full maternity leave with very likely my only child. Intimacy with my husband- what's that? The loss of innocence and ability to fully enjoy a potential future pregnancy- dashed, I'm certain.

I don't want to fixate on the negative, but I do want to acknowledge the full gravity of my experience. I'm angry and frustrated and disappointed and sad and lost and tired. I never wanted to be an expert on IM injections or embryo transfers. I just want a baby. Is that so much to ask?