Retreat

I've had the last week off since there was some PTO I had that I was unable to use during my maternity leave (thanks corporate America). It was very frustrating at first, but it's turned out to be a nice time of retreat.

Multiple people told me I would need the time to rest. And I have. I worked 7 days in a row prior to the break and had braxton hicks all weekend (days 6 and 7). No more, though, since being off work and away from all that stress.

I had a really long to-do list, and I've finished most of it. I wouldn't call it nesting because the cleaning and organizing are things I typically do anyway (I can't stand clutter).  Past cleaning, I've tried to get things done that I know will need to be done but may be difficult with a baby. Address labels and stamps for birth announcements. Check. Clear memory off phone to make room for an influx of pictures. Check. Order a gift and buy a card for our donor family. Check. Snacks for nighttime feedings. Check.

I've had plenty of time to try to mentally prepare for L&D and having a newborn without strictly worrying and focusing on the negative what-if's (that's about all I've been able to do up til this point). I'm almost fully believing "I can do it" (give birth).

Excitement still isn't my primary emotion- it hasn't been this whole pregnancy. I imagine once he gets here, though, the fear and loss issues will become more background noise since I will be able to look at him and talk to him. He won't be an abstract concept that feels barely in my grasp.

I hope I'm right. I'm ready to be able to enjoy having a long awaited member added to my family and ready to move past struggles and fear. I'm ready to meet the soul that was meant for us.