Risk

Many people have asked me why be so open, or open at all. Why tell baby boy about his very unique beginnings. Why invite his genetic family into our lives. "I don't know that I could do that" is the resounding consensus. 

I'm fully his mom. While we don't share DNA, my body built his. I threw up and endured shots and waddled to get him here. He clings to my shoulder when I hold him. His face lights up when I talk to him. I know what he needs, and I do everything in my power to get it for him. When I smile now, it's true, and from within. A deep inner joy. 

He's my baby!

But I haven't always been his mom. He had another mom at first. A mom that hoped and prayed for him. That endured shots, too. That sat in the lobby of a fertility clinic just like I did. 

Love comes at a price. Risk is involved. It can be scary and perhaps a little messy at times. It can be uncomfortable. 

But oh is it worth it! 

Only time will tell how baby boy feels about all of this. I've often thought what he will think as he reads back on these words one day when he is much older. 

Did we do right by him? Were our choices what was best for him? 

So far my heart's only answer is a resounding "yes". 

Beauty for ashes. 

This replays over and over in my heart. 

You can never have too much love. 

During our visit, both genetic grandmas were unsure of what to call themselves. They went out on a limb to meet us but even more to open up and ask what they should be called. 

Baby boy can never have too much love! He can have four grandmas (if his genetic ones feel comfortable with that title, of course... And they do!) Their roles may be different considering the circumstances. But they had the same eagerness to snuggle him as my mom and D's mom. They both got him gifts. It's really not all that different. It's the same core emotions, just working out in a different way. 

So baby boy has the mom who carried him and holds him now. Plus a mom who brought him to life and ensured he had a chance to live. He has a dad who calls him "buddy, buddy" plus another dad who called him the same thing (yes, really!). Plus siblings that dote on him (those are only in Oregon, though). Grandparents who beam with pride. Aunts and uncles, cousins. So much love! 

So baby boy, if you are ever reading this- I'm sorry if this ever seems confusing or weird. (I pray not, since you will grow up knowing your story). All D, I, and your Oregon Family want is what is best for you. We all love you fiercely. We've jumped into openness with no looking back. 

You deserve to know your roots. In our situation, that means to opportunity to know them first hand. 

So I can get past the nerves of meeting your genetic family. And they can get past the nerves, too. 

It's all worth it. 

<3 baby boy- It was a risk to transfer you (especially after losing your sister), but thank God we did. It was a risk for two families to meet, but we're building a heritage for you. 

How I have felt as I get to know baby boy's genetic family. My fears melt away. It's not ultimately about me or them (although we've both been blessed in our own ways). I have to put aside myself for what I believe is best for my child. 

My prayer (one of many) for baby boy

It's possible to have a family tree that intertwines with another. The beauty of adoption!