waiting

I waited only four days between transfer and getting my first positive pregnancy test. I waited five days between my first positive pregnancy test and my first bloodwork (beta). I waited three days between the first beta and the second beta. Now I’m waiting over two and a half weeks for the first ultrasound.

The very telling first ultrasound where there should be a gestational sac, a yolk sac, and baby AND a strongly beating heart.

It’s hard to know what to expect. My first pregnancy, I had “Singleton level” betas doubling nicely and had twins- although one was an empty sac and the other ended up dying. My second pregnancy I had “twin level” betas doubling nicely and one healthy baby (baby boy) by the day of ultrasound. I’m not going to try to guess what will happen. I’m trying to avoid playing any scenarios through my mind. I hope to show up, muster onto the table, and just see!

This wait is so different. It is hard, but it isn’t intense. I have thought what if I’m not pregnant anymore? I’m on progesterone so it’s unlikely I would miscarry even if my baby died. But there are no more reassurances. No more betas. No way to get an early ultrasound.

I even had a dream where I had pain on the left side and told the ER I thought I had an ectopic pregnancy and needed an ultrasound right away. When I woke up, my left side was aching (normal cramping with this process).  As much as my conscious tries to stay busy, my unconscious expresses concern.

I will know by the end of next week. If you are a heartbeat in the sixth week, there’s a 75% chance for a take home baby. I know all the odds, each week and milestone. The scars I carry.