Now. I choose Now.

I never fully believed stuff like this, back Then. Sure, it sounded good. 

But Now... Now I know how true it is. 

The path takes you where you were always meant to be. 

In this moment tonight. Rocking baby boy. He's just finished a bottle after waking up crying. He shouldn't be hungry yet, but he spent all evening crawling and pulling up and smiling a gummy grin of pride. So that left no time for much milk. 

So I hold his 21 pound, solid frame firmly in my arms. Like I've said before, he just fits. 

As he sucks the last few drops of his bottle, his eyes close. His head twitches and nods back and forth, cradled in the crook of my arm. He's got one hand by his face and the other casually folded behind his head. He's taking slow, deep breaths. He's 7 months, wearing 12 month pjs, and his tone little belly sticks out between the shirt and pants. 

His head nods and twitches some more. His hair is getting lighter. And thicker. It sticks up more on the left side than the right, no matter what I do to it. His skin is soft. His lips are perfectly rounded and at rest. Until he starts "sucking his fake paci". 

If I had him Then, would I notice each detail? Would I appreciate him as much? I'm certain the answer is "NO"! 

If things happened the way I hoped so many times, I wouldn't be here. Now. 

I wouldn't cherish and savor each day with him. The way I am tonight. The way I have done each day since the day in early August when I first saw his little face. 

I wouldn't have endured the amount of pain I did, that widdled me to my very core. That revealed my anxiety disorder. I would be a neurotic, impatient, frustrated mom were I made a mom Then. I'm treated Now. I feel like I can handle anything. 

I wouldn't have the relationships I have Now. My sisters in embryo adoption. Fellow recipients. My son's special genetic mom. (And genetic extended family- he's not an only child after all). 

I hated waiting. I hated the suffering. The sacrifice. The running on a hampster wheel that never seemed to result in anything positive. 

I'm here Now. I'm where I'm supposed to be.