better version

God knew what He was doing. 

I had hoped that was the case. 

Hope was not easy to come by. 

And now, I find myself at times just waiting. Waiting for something bad to happen. Morbid thoughts, they are apart of my anxiety. 

I'm so grateful things fell apart the way they did so I would be pushed off my comfortable cliff of constant panic and fear into a mostly peaceful sea. 

I'm still taking z.olft. It's not a tiny colored pill anymore. It's one and a half larger white ones. 

I'm a better version of myself. 

I'm the mom baby boy needs. I can let him branch out- not too much because after all he was not easy to come by. But I can handle the stress of life and all the fears of car accidents or cancer or something happening to him at daycare or me forgetting him in a hot car. The thought still come, but they don't control me. 

There's no real point to this other than to say- I shared when I first started medication. And I'm still taking it and feeling better than I ever have. I am so grateful to have this new brain so I can soak in every day with my baby who is quickly becoming a toddler.