turning decisions over to baby boy

The pressure wells within me. It feels like a fiery volcano. Steam building, then rushing for escape.

Maybe I am being very selfish, to want to be financially comfortable. To avoid any more potential grief or loss. To craft this perfect life for my long expected child, not to be interrupted.

I have these walls up. They raised with good reason. Months and years of longing and tears and strife.

But do they have a place anymore in me. In my family. Do they? Be honest.

"My grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in your weakness". (2 Corinthians 12:9)

* * * * * * * *

Back to baby boy. Staring at his soft, perfect cheeks. Like that of a cherub. He gleefully laughs at a show that isn't even all that funny. He is living this life. But by the mere order his embryo straw was placed in the freezer, he is here. He could still be there. My chest is hurting.

* * * * * * * *

Then baby boy turns the tide. I don't think he knows, but he did. He was running away from D. D lunged to catch him and pulled a muscle in his back. He had severe back spasms and found himself at the doctor getting several injections. In pre-blog times, D ended up in the ICU from NASID induced ulcers. Well, thanks to the medication, he wound up with a second ICU trip for ulcers. A week and one blood transfusion later, he was back home.

How does that play into our decision you ask?

In only the most practical of ways. An ICU trip=$$$. So much $$$ that we end up paying nearly $8,000 out of pocket (because this is our yearly max OOP for insurance).

I am at a new job with different health insurance, and this policy covers fertility.

So we have coverage for fertility treatments AND it can already kick in, thanks to baby boy giving D a back spasm and the subsequent series of events.

* * * * * * * *

I can't live with this weight anymore. I've got to make a decision. I have to take action.