Due

Sunday was my due date.

4/5/15.

Sadness and wondering can coexist with gratefulness and hope. 

My current baby doesn't replace my first baby. I was having a girl with one donor family. Now a boy with another. 

It's the way it's meant to be. I don't know that it's good or bad. It's just a loss and a totally different reality. There are reasons I don't know. I don't personally believe she was too perfect for earth or that God needed her. I'm not sure why things happened the way they did. 

But I'm here. And I believe despite the painful realities, God has a plan for my life. And He is still good to me. 

Acceptance. 

I will admit, though, it is easier to swallow when the baby I have now is jerking around and a week from viability. 

Hope. 

Her life still means something to me. We were together a month and a half. I went through things people shouldn't have to in order to be pregnant with her. I honored her memory with a gift to St Jude, and two of my family members honored her with a gift to Make a Wish. Maybe someone else's child can make memories with their family on her account, since she never got to. 

Sorrow and joy.