deciding a fate

I was surprised at the push back from people around me. Not a certain person or conversation in particular. But just an overall sense of “do you know what you’re doing?”

“Won’t that be hard? For you to carry a pregnancy and then hand the baby off?”

And goodness, a third family. This hypothetical third family. That despite an inability to fully describe the hesitation, something A and I solidly felt, agreed on, and never wavered. Our relationship doesn’t make sense to a lot of people, so I guess our repulsion at making our duo a trio wouldn’t make sense to others either.

How do you add a third family, with their own ideas and perceptions of this journey, to an already blossomed relationship that is so right? Will it be a third wheel situation? Will they want as much openness? We have shared good and bad times together and have been fully transparent with each other. We accept the good and the bad in each other. It feels like a family. It is not forced.

Part of me, the logical part, could maybe see picking another family. Supporting them through the transfer. Watching them experience the joy of a child.

But is that my responsibility? Our responsibility?

What about these embryos, if they become children on this earth? If we don’t see them as often (and travel is expensive, and time off from work is already used heavily to maintain the one open relationship we already have), will they feel left out? Will they wonder why they weren’t able to have as close a connection to their genetic family (and even to baby boy) if the relationship doesn’t end up naturally progressing? How is that fair to them? We could find a family close to us, or close to genetic family, but then one party would be left out of more impromptu contact or get togethers.

Things can’t always be equal. Life isn’t fair. But in this situation, these kids’ lives hang in the balance. With one different decision, their whole fate changes. The weight of that is enormous. What is right? What is best?

Not a third family, at least not for us, in our particular circumstances.

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NEDC does not do surrogate transfers, so the embryos would need to journey to Big City.

So I went back to the Big City fertility clinic for some testing. I was worried that the complications I had postpartum may have caused scarring. But nope, a clean bill of health when I had the SIS.

Next requirement- a counseling session. D and I went to the therapist I already see as needed. She gave her blessing to proceeding.

A and I had a phone conference with an attorney in Big City. To explore legal ramifications of surrogacy in my state. It isn’t cheap. But luckily in my state, the laws are supportive of situations like these, and there is the ability to have everything legal taken care of before the birth even happens so everything past delivery is seamless.

I prepared myself for the idea this would be difficult emotionally. I had a traumatic experience last time. And I will be growing this baby or babies and then saying goodbye as they move across the country.