heaviness

The things I was not prepared for.

One being the ethical decisions you have to make in this journey.

Not just any ethical decisions. Complex ones that you can’t necessarily talk to others in your life about.

They are nuanced and layered. Threads of emotion and logic woven tightly together in a pattern that isn’t discernible to others.

Complicated family planning. Decisions that will affect children for the rest of their lives. So much pressure. So much weight. The gravity of it all.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

When we matched, we could only see so far. Everything was hazy. There was a small, shadowy figure at the end of the long corridor. Wearily, we limped along until we arrived to him. The perfect child for us. Complementary of us in every way.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

We should not ask for more, now that we are here. We have what we’ve been looking for. We are parents. It cost us a lot to get here. The price exceeds money. Time. Energy. Emotions. The ability to breathe with a full exhale, not to exist in a state of being on edge.

We want to live in the moment. We don’t want to spread ourselves thin. We want to cherish what we finally have.

If building our family has been a book, we are ready to write “the end”. Close the cover. And begin a new book, maybe titled “Living as a Family: Our Dream”. 

* * * * * * * * * * * *

As I live this dream, and pinch myself each day, a certain sadness weighs on me. I did not expect this.

My heart is full. My baby is perfect in every way. Although he isn’t much of a baby anymore. He’s an affectionate, energetic, curious toddler. Sweet. Smart. Healthy. Handsome. Helpful. Playful. Kind.

But that heavy, hazy irresolution I talked about last spring, it has still been there. Heavier and hazier. It doesn’t make sense to open ourselves up to hurt or loss. Loss of hope. Loss of opportunity. Loss of money and time. So why is the irresolution there?

It’s frustrating. It’s depressing. It does not leave. I can push it out of my consciousness. I can numb myself. But it’s always there. It feels like a dark cloud over me. I don’t like this.

I don’t feel there is a good solution or outcome. Several are discussed. Still, a decision is not made. 

Back and forth. Nothing at all. Waiting. Discussion. Heaviness.

The more I try to not think about it, and let time decide, the more I think about it. It’s consuming, and not in a good way.

I can’t live like this anymore.