let go (six scenarios)

I asked D what he he thinks is going to happen. With the transfer. He said he didn’t know. I asked him if he has a guess and he says nope. 

“How can you not have a guess?”

He says he just doesn’t think about it. There’s no point. He will wait and see what happens. 

I do enough thinking for the both of us. 

Statistically, we will transfer both embryos and have one baby from it. If you just look at the odds, especially combined with our “poor odds” from 2014. 

But one family is never a big enough sample size. There isn’t so much weight in statistics. 

To pursue this path, you’ve got to open your heart to a certain extent. You think about the embryos. You remind yourself it’s for them, when you’re giving yourself a shot or gaining uncomfortable water weight from the e.strace or driving to appointments and reliving painful procedures (physically and emotionally painful). 

That’s why I think as hard as any outcome will be in its own way, I have the outcomes ranked by easiest to hardest and I play them through my head in some ineffective effort to prepare myself for difficulty: 

1. Transfer two embryos and have one child (*this feels horrible; I don’t wish an embryo doesn’t make it- twins are just overwhelming, and waiting to see what happens would be easier with the doubled odds of two embryos rather than one)
2. Transfer one embryo and have one child (*guilty feelings same as above)
3. Transfer two embryos and have twins 
4. Get to transfer and they both died in thawing so there is nothing to transfer 
5. Get to transfer and one or both survived thawing; transfer and get a negative outcome 
6. Get to transfer one or both with a positive outcome but then a loss (miscarriage)

Imagining the scenarios only makes me more anxious. I feel exhausted and sad and tired but too worked up to rest. 

I’m trying to hard to surrender and let go. Trust God. He knows what is best. He will give me grace for any moment I come to. I don’t need to stash manna. I will wait day by day. 

My heart cries out. Let go.