surrender

One theme that has woven its ugly self into this parenthood journey is guilt. I think that happens to some extent for everyone. “Mom guilt” is a thing. But when mom guilt begins even before pregnancy...  

The best I can compare this past year’s emotions would be to someone who finds themselves pregnant unexpectedly/unplanned. Trying to make peace with the inevitable. Heavy weighted guilt for not being over the moon, at least not right away. Struggling to see how it will all come together. Feeling bad for said thoughts and feelings. Staying a bit reserved and unsure. More guilt. 

Except this is even more complex. I have to sit in this space where I can accept what may be, while the same space requires me to hold my acceptance loosely, because I may not have more kids after all. So I’m prepregnant and may be pregnant next month or may have that chapter fully closed. 

I don’t know if the embryos will survive the thaw. I don’t know if neither or one or both will implant. I don’t know if any that implants would become a healthy baby. 

I have no control. 

Control is my vice. 

This process has been incredibly refining. 

I might show up to transfer, having taken weeks of medication and shots and having ultrasounds, preparing my uterus perfectly... and nothing, if at least one doesn’t survive. They thaw the embryos about an hour before transfer. I will be finding out just as I go along. 

I would never choose a life of this level of uncertainty. But somehow it has found me. 

It has found me trusting. Trusting God that He truly knows best. Knowing that I would have jumped on my IUIs working or so many adoption situations. Knowing that A is the perfect kid for us and I am so glad we have him. In the moment I couldn’t see, but the perfect baby came to us at the perfect time. 

I am surrender my body and my family and my future.