waves

I’m roughly two-ish weeks out from transfer. 

The medication is not as bad as last time (times). I don’t know if it was the stress and pressure creating imagined side effects. I’m sure it helps this time that I am well controlled on mental heath medication, too. Basically, I’m just not feeling the mood side effects at all (irritability, rage etc). 

I do feel the same disgusting swelling on the e.strace. My face already feels puffy. My boobs ache and ache. And the dosing is only going to increase from here... I’ve had a couple headache that I’m sure are from the medication, but nothing horrible. However, I was very moderate on caffeine last time cycling, cause I wasn’t a mom yet and didn’t depend as heavily on it. Now, I’m much more liberal in my caffeine consumption so I’d guess that moderates my headaches. 

And that’s about all I have on how cycling is feeling, mentally and physically. It’s just not that bad. It’s not that noteworthy. 

Emotionally.... I’ve not had a lot of time to feel feelings. I’m changing departments at work so I went from furiously getting everything pristine to hand off to my counterpart to now learning an entirely new job. That pretty much consumes my energy right now. Cycling is in the back of my mind. 

When I do allow myself to stop and feel, it’s pure nerves. I hope my lining is building ok. I’m trying to walk to keep blood flowing. I hope my caffeine use isn’t restricting blood flow. I can’t use s.udafed for my allergies because I don’t want to restrict blood flow. I don’t spend a lot of time with these feelings and thoughts but when I do, it’s hard. There’s self pressure. Mom guilt. 

And the embryos. Any time I think of them, it flashes through my mind getting to the clinic and they both died in thawing. I know this is just my body’s way to protect me. I know it doesn’t mean that this is what I want to happen. Because I don’t. My ambivalence from the beginning of this year has waned. Even if they don’t ultimately end up as babies, I don’t want them to die in a dish. Because they are still small babies. They’re still lives and they are still Baby boy’s siblings. They deserve love for however long I can give it. Gosh the pressure and guilt.  

These are some tall waves when I start to ride them.