Swirling Thoughts

The contract (or open donation agreement, ODA) was mailed Thursday and arrived to our mediator Saturday. I have realized that, just like the fact that your bladder plays an important role in having a child, apparently, so does the post office.

I online bank, so I don't generally send much mail. I do enjoy sending pick-me-up cards to people, but I have a book of stamps in my purse for that. However, I have been to the post office more for this adoption process than any of time in my life, I think (except maybe for living at college and having a PO Box). Sending applications, sending documents, sending checks. Who else routinely goes to the post office to have a child? It's pretty humorous!

I should feel more hopeful than I do. I think- self, we have two great donor families and five more embryos, so why is there room for trepidation? Still, I booked the hotel for next month, but I don't feel that excited. I was at least 90% hopeful last time. I can't quantify my hope this time, or maybe I just don't want to.

Prior to last transfer, I thought it had to work because I was so tired, and I didn't know if I could keep going. But here I am. We've rematched and I'm back on medication. The initiative came when I wasn't sure it would.

This time, I feel it has to work because I am afraid if it doesn't, I will cross the line into bitterness and anger. I have felt slighted and that things are unfair, but I haven't really been angry. D has always said I have "the gift of understanding"... which I think is why, in my life, I am rarely angry. I can normally see both sides, see the grey, see the viewpoint behind an idea I disagree with. Whatever the source, I am rarely really angry. Yet, I feel deep anger welling up in me. My faith remains intact, but it's mingling with anger.

Almost a week into the medication, and I feel about the same as last time. L.upron + birth control=a resounding sadness and flatness for me. For a few minutes, I forgot I was on the medication. I thought about maybe starting an antidepressant because, although I have moments of hope or anger as described above, overall I feel a nothingness and emptiness. But then I remembered this is thankfully a temporary side effect of a nasty little shot.

I took my last birth control last night, so if this cycle repeats the last, I will have hot flashes next (pretty scary considering TN is in heat-wave mode right now with such heavy, humid air it knocks your breath away when you walk outside). After hot flashes come water-logged (swollen) fatigue, which is followed by hulk needles and meeting some more embryos. 

Oh embryos. Five embryos in a freezer. Since 2007 and 2009, respectively. Potential lives. Potential dirty diapers and snotty kisses.

I guess there is still some hope.