What a Day!

The morning started out with taking (and thankfully, passing) a professional licensure exam, so I am now a LCSW. Wohoo! 3 hard years of work, and I finally have it. It's so strange to be anticipating it for so long, and I now suddenly have new letters after my name.

I always said I wanted to have my LCSW the time we had kids. I had several delays with the testing process, and obviously have had several delays with the whole kid process, too, so maybe I got what I wished for...

This afternoon has consisted of an email with profiles. Yay, right?? This should compound my joy, but I'm honestly just frustrated. The profiles that were sent to us will likely only afford us a second try, and I want to think further than that. I hope we don't end up with multiple more tries, but I'd like to use our money wisely (as well as just time and emotional energy) in case we do.

The whole embryo coordination was the worst part of cycle #1. The night I wrote the poem, I really was spinning. Logistics and coordination are not my thing. It's like playing checkers or tic-tac-toe. I tend to get overwhelmed. I'm not a genius, but I feel like I'm pretty smart in a lot of areas. But true story: I was a camp counselor in college. I had sixth graders routinely beat me in checkers all summer, and I didn't even try to let them win.

Add in miscommunication/misunderstanding with our clinic... and the fact that I am still "new" to the game and don't full know all the rules and implications of what this fee entails or how to get the "right" combination for us... I could pull my hair out. Not really. But pretty close.

This whole process is really the weirdest thing. Some days it is fascinating and inspiring, and some days it just sucks.

It sucks having to pick a donor. It feels the same way as picking what situations you're open to in traditional adoption. No guess work with most "typical" instances of adding a child to your family. It sucks especially to pick a second donor. We love our current donors. Picking a second donor is acknowledging the truth that it might not work with our current embryos. It sucks doing fertility treatments "long distance". Yes, there are pros of being at a clinic like we are, but it's difficult to have life-changing communication primary by email. It sucks being so jaded. 3 IUIs with an average statistic of 20% success rate + 1 IVF with a 20% success rate. We should be 80% of the way towards a baby (or 94.2% with the situation we were shown for). But some people get lucky the first time, and some people never get lucky. I wonder what the future will hold for us.

These are the things that run through my head and exhaust my mind and heart.